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Original poster

We had a chat. Should I tell him I want to try for pg?

27 replies

ChattySuue · 02/06/2021 12:25

DP and I are new ish, under a year. He’s 40 soon and I’m 35. I desperately want a family but never met anyone I felt that way about. I feel this way about DP.

I guess I do the usual things you’re supposed to do when you meet someone...ie I don’t talk about wanting to crack on with it all, although I made it clear from the start that I wanted a family and so did he.

Last weekend we were a bit tipsy and the conversation came up about kids. He said he was pretty much ready for all that. I probed a bit and said what so you’d just go for it even in a new ish relationship like this? He said if it happened he would be fine with it and happy as long as he was happy with that person, he would want to make it work. I was taken aback as although he’s always said he wants all that, he’s never expressed that it mattered to him a lot and that he was ready now. The thing is it was said abstractly, sort of in the context of us (we are quite loved up at the moment so it felt like it was about us) but he didn’t say explicitly ‘let’s try now.’

Basically I want to be with him and want a family with him. I felt this before he had this chat but didn’t want to say as I didn’t want to scare him off! Maybe that was silly.

Should I say I want to do this? Should I leave it a little longer? I’m 36 in December and do often feel panicked but I don’t want to ruin what we have by being full on as it really is the best relationship I’ve ever had.

OP posts:
PixieDust28 · 02/06/2021 12:27

Well he has told you he is ready he doesn't need to literally spell it out.

If you're ready, go for it.

Champagneforeveryone · 02/06/2021 12:27

At 35 it's not like you have the luxury of time is it? Ask him, if he says no then you know where you stand. If he says yes then you're giving yourself the best chance possible

Original poster
ChattySuue · 02/06/2021 12:28

@PixieDust28 he didn’t say to me ‘I think we should try’ though. It was like a general chat. I don’t know it was strange. I didn’t expect it. I was delighted obviously but he didn’t clearly say ‘let’s try.’

OP posts:

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Original poster
ChattySuue · 02/06/2021 12:28

@Champagneforeveryone if he says no then what do I do? I’ve opened up a conversation that puts pressure on us. If I leave it a bit then it may be more organic?

OP posts:
SageGreenKitchen · 02/06/2021 12:31

Have a sober chat with him. If you know each other is “the one” then lots of people don’t wait. If he is the one you should be able to have an open chat with him about if now is the right time for both of you moving forward. You do things quicker as you get older, I.e. kids and moving in together than you would as teenagers meeting.

Original poster
ChattySuue · 02/06/2021 12:34

@SageGreenKitchen I wouldn’t have mentioned it yet, I’m only thinking about it because of what he said. I don’t want to scare him off. He wasn’t drunk when he said it and he was very clear he would be happy about a child.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/06/2021 12:38

I’d leave it a while longer yet, dating for less than a year is barely anytime at all.
I’d not want to just “make it work”.

Original poster
ChattySuue · 02/06/2021 12:40

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss that’s my thought but I worry about age.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 02/06/2021 12:42

@PixieDust28

Well he has told you he is ready he doesn't need to literally spell it out.

If you're ready, go for it.

I disagree- I think he does have to spell it out. It is a huge decision, and there should be absolute clarity on both sides.

He said he wants kids, now. So surely the missing bit of the puzzle is if he wants them with you
😊

ShirleyPhallus · 02/06/2021 12:44

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d leave it a while longer yet, dating for less than a year is barely anytime at all. I’d not want to just “make it work”.
This is nuts, sorry. If you’re serious about a future with someone you should be able to talk to them about that future.

To be blunt, your age could be an issue here and if you leave it another year and then find out he doesn’t want children you’ll kick yourself.

Have the conversation now. If he doesn’t want kids then you can move on and find someone who does. If he does, then happy days.

Do not do yourself a disservice by being all coy about what you want

Coriandersucks · 02/06/2021 12:44

But if you don’t have a proper talk with him how is it going to be organic? You need to know and it sounds like he’s ready so hopefully it’s just a formality. If it’s a no then, whilst painful, surely it’s better you know now so you can decide on your next steps?

NoSquirrels · 02/06/2021 12:44

I think we overthink all this. You’re 35, he’s 40. You’ve made it clear from the beginning you want a family. He says he’s ready. You’re really loved up and it’s a great relationship. What more do you realistically need/want in the timescale before your fertility declines?

Be brave! “DP, you know the other weekend when you said you feel ready for kids now? Well, if you meant it then so do I - I love you and if you’re truly ready then I’d love to have a family with you.”

NoSquirrels · 02/06/2021 12:47

He wasn’t drunk when he said it and he was very clear he would be happy about a child.

And he’s with you, right?

So he doesn’t need to say “I’d be happy about a child with you, Sue” unless you think he was talking about knocking up a random...

Have the chat, woman! He’s opened up the conversation already.

zafferana · 02/06/2021 12:48

Hmm difficult one, because on the one hand you shouldn't really hang around at 35, but on the other it sounds like you're not really 'there' yet in this relationship. Personally though I don't think I could just leave the subject hanging for months and if you do that maybe he'll think 'Wow - I laid my cards on the table there and she's clearly not in a hurry', when in fact you are. A good level of communication is essential in relationship. If you think he's the one you should be able to talk about this stuff, even if at the end of your next conversation you both agree that you'd like to give it another few months or whatever until you either start to try or make a firm decision. You know he's serious about wanting a family, you're serious about wanting a family and neither of you is getting any younger. TBH, I'd bite the bullet, if it were me.

VioletCharlotte · 02/06/2021 12:48

It sounds like he's open to starting a family, but I think you need to have a sober conversation and explore how you both really feel about the future. Do you live together currently? If so, I'd say that should be the first step, also discuss finances, your feelings about marriage, etc. It's not very romantic I know, but you need a five year plan that you're both signed up to (I'm speaking as someone who's learned from making the mistake of just jumping in and having children without a plan!)

YoBeaches · 02/06/2021 12:54

I dont think age is an issue, you've got time. Rather than just think about having a baby- what are your logistics like? Where do you live, have you moved in yet? What's your financial situation? What happens if it doesn't work after baby is born, do you have your own support network?

Having a child puts stress on even the best relationships. Do it too soon and you might not make it and your tied to this man for the rest of your life. You need to talk more pragmatically about your lives together as individuals, not just about making a baby - that's the easy part.

knittingaddict · 02/06/2021 12:54

He said if it happened he would be fine with it and happy as long as he was happy with that person, he would want to make it work.

I may have read this wrong, but doesn't that sound a bit hypothetical. I think it does need spelling out to the op that he meant that he was at that place with her, otherwise it sounds a bit too general and abstract.

dorothypotts19996 · 02/06/2021 12:57

well, I say if you want a baby, tell him, you never know if he feels the same way unless you ask.

-Pepper

2bazookas · 02/06/2021 12:57

He said if it happened he would be fine with it and happy as long as he was happy with that person, he would want to make it work.

But that sounds as if he's speaking/thinking/dreaming about some other potential mother, some other relationship in the future sometime

. NOT ABOUT YOU AND HIM IN THIS ONE. Red flag.

ChangePart1 · 02/06/2021 13:00

Oh gosh, I think at 35 and 40 you don't have to worry about making sure it happens 'organically'! What does that even mean? You hope you mutually just drift into a surprise pregnancy?

Take charge OP of your own fertility, you want a baby, you're getting older, you're with a man who seems to want one too, have the conversation! Tell him you'd like a child and if things continue to keep going well between the two of you set a date to start trying. Personally I'd be more inclined to wait until you've been together 18m and living together for at least 6m, that seems like a good compromise between not rushing it and not delaying unnecessarily with your ages. But you can set a date to try and that gives you both time to feel how you're going to, plan, start saving, back out if you realise it's not right, but you're not sat mute for months or years on end hoping it 'just happens'.

I can never understand people being so passive and anxious about asserting their own plans when it comes to having children, it's one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make if it's important to you. Then again I told DH on our first or second date I was ready for kids and planning to start trying in 2/3 years either alone or with the right person, I didn't want to get into anything pointless with an expiration date, I was ready for kids and only interested in dating someone who felt the same.

knittingaddict · 02/06/2021 13:01

@2bazookas

He said if it happened he would be fine with it and happy as long as he was happy with that person, he would want to make it work.

But that sounds as if he's speaking/thinking/dreaming about some other potential mother, some other relationship in the future sometime

. NOT ABOUT YOU AND HIM IN THIS ONE. Red flag.

My thoughts entirely. They sound like the words of a classic commitment phobe.
PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 02/06/2021 13:05

If you can’t talk to him about starting a family then how will you ever actually get round to it? He’s an adult. You shouldn’t have to worry about scaring the horses.

toto23 · 02/06/2021 13:09

I just found out my DH wanted kids about 5 years before me! He was ready and I was 100% not, he left it until I was the one that brought it up in conversation.

Biscuitsneeded · 02/06/2021 13:17

What are your contraception arrangements currently? A conversation about where to go with that might be fruitful. EG "DP I'm thinking about coming off the pill to give my body time to readjust before any decisions about children"... or whatever is appropriate. He can then either say, oh yes, good idea, or Oh God no I'm not ready for that!

WouldBeGood · 02/06/2021 13:20

Definitely just say to him. You’re better to know now at your age.