Asperger’s or just a Cunt?

[Scautish]

Is this an acceptable question?

I am autistic and find it hurtful, but I think many people think it’s ok to question this.

(This was said to me verbatim - about someone else - a few weeks ago)

Oh my! I clicked because I thought I’d probably want to report your post, just based on the title.

Just staggeringly unacceptable.

I clicked because I thought I’d probably want to report your post, just based on the title
Me too!
Definitely unacceptable OP

Massively offensive, and I'm not usually offended by much!

The only c**t in this situation was the person who said that to you.

Thank you both

There is just so much negativity and I’m struggling with it.

But I know a lot of people will see the thread title and probably agree or “understand the sentiment”. We’re an acceptable target and I don’t understand why.

I’m sorry that someone said this to you OP, that’s absolutely awful of them.

There’s a widespread misconception that autistic people don’t have any empathy (not helped at all by the media..) and people tend to equate this with being cold/unfeeling/other unpleasant things. But of course it is not true for most people and the person that said this is ignorant!

My son has Aspergers and I've had awful responses when I've mentioned it so you have my huge sympathies OP.

The stereotype is awful. Ironically, my son is now pretty empathetic. Certainly, if his little brother is upset over something a bit silly and he thinks I'm not taking it seriously, he will tell me off.

People are just horrible sometimes but it's not everyone.

The autism bashing is rife here too. Any guy behaving like an arsehole and there is ALWAYS someone who suggest Asperger’s.

There are also threads dedicated to how bad it is being married to us.

it leaves me questioning - as I have done all my life - just how awful am I? - when I genuinely don’t think I do anything really heinous. I know that sounds self-pitying (because it is self-pitying) but I’m just so fed up of it. I spend my entire life trying to be the person that society will accept.

I think Sheldon has caused so much harm to those of us with Asperger’s as I think people see that as an accurate representation. I wish more people knew Abed (from Community).

@TeamNegan thank you for acknowledging the empathy myth.

@ForeverInADay thank you.

Completely unacceptable but sadly not uncommon

Oh no. I quite liked the thread title and would have understood the sentiment to be that some behaviour which would be understandable / acceptable from someone with Asperger’s would not be acceptable from a neurotypical person.
Have I completely misunderstood?

However, OP, if someone said that to you, about you, then I think it’s very rude. What was the context?

My son is autistic.
I think he's a saint for dealing with all the shit he has to put up with.

He's extremely empathetic, funny, quick witted, incisive, inquisitive.

He's clever and creative, friendly, always ready to help if he can and very self aware.

He's been called a spastic and a retard by one particular NT child who is a bone fide c**t.

My son is worth at least 100 times more than that particular little weasel.

@PacifyLulu

It was not about me - it was someone I know (A) retelling a story about someone else I know (B- who is a bit of an arse) and they were debating with a third person (C) whether the person (B) has Asperger’s or was just a cunt.

They concluded “a bit of both” apparently.

But even though it is not about me I find it insulting. It seems that neurotypical people who are horrible are just horrible because that’s who they are. But autistic people are horrible because they are autistic. Ouch. I think many think we don’t have feelings. I do.

@JOJ0JO

My son is worth at least 100 times more than that particular little weasel.

He is. And I’m so sorry he has to put up with this shit. I want the world to be a more
Tolerant place for our autistic children.

I took it to mean that someone had a partner who used their ASD to excuse their behaviour when in fact they were just being a See You Next Tuesday and using it as an excuse. I had a colleague who self diagnosed himself with ASD and was really bullying and told us that was why, which we (especially the one who used to work as a clinical psychologist) were doubtful of.
My DS has ADHD. He is very impulsive, is part of his condition. He can also plan elaborate misdeeds. Clever, but not something he can be excused for on account of his condition.

I’d understood it more as a clumsily-worded way of separating the person from trait / characteristic that may be caused by aspergers. So a particular trait that may normally be seen as rude, when exhibited by a person with aspergers, doesn’t mean that person is inherently rude.
The neurotypical person displaying the same trait is the one who is essentially awful.

It's terrible on the internet generally. Just Google 'Cassandra Syndrome' - which btw isn't a recognised syndrome, but was made up by one extremely biased person and has been repeated all over including here.

It feels like almost every 'd'h on Relationships is autistic, a narcissist or both, pretty much always diagnosed by the poster themselves.

Not in the same vein, but it is true that my ex is diagnosed what was Asperger's and now is re-classified as autism, and some of the things he does would be pretty arseholish if he were NT, despite him working hard on balancing his needs with those others. In particular he has some major anger meltdowns, and he struggles hugely with some social events and so won't go - I can see other parents thinking he's a bit of a dick to miss our dc1 having a lead in the school performance, but I know he'll be poring over the video at home, just can't handle the crowds. Some people on here like to ascribe all of it to.personality and I do think that's a bit true - he's naturally a much more self-centred person than my autistic dd, but it is the autism that causes some of these issues, his own traits just exacerbate that (similarly, my dd's extreme empathy makes it far less likely for people to read her as either having Asperger's or being a cunt, but very strong sensitivity has its own personal cost to her, I can see why my ex might have chosen a different path).

Doesn't ever make the question ok.

aspies can be twattish and naughty as well and some traits are bloody annoying. all of us are autistic and we can drive each other around the fucking bend.... but you know that is because we are all autistic, and none of us are cuntish when not approaching or in meltdown.

so yeah, the question was way out of order.

I think it depends on how you take the question.
The person is asking could there be a reason behind the person's behaviour or are they just plain old nasty.

Op doesn't say what the behaviour was. People have campaigned for years to raise awareness, yet when someone uses that awareness they are shot down.

I’m neurodiverse myself and in a relationship with someone with ASD. There is no doubt that some of his autistic traits make him difficult (for me) to be in a relationship with. Women on MN in this position do need space to vent at times when they feel misunderstood or unappreciated by their partner, not gonna lie. I have to repress my needs to be with him (hugs, kissing, conversation, affectionate words for example) but currently it is worth it because he has lovely qualities too. He also means well and tries to meet me halfway, as I do him (work in progress).

Every relationship means compromise. My DP would say my ADHD traits make me hard to be in a relationship with equally. I acknowledge he might have a point

There is a lot of adhd bashing - why is my friend too late/loud/messy/flakey/forgetful/obese/* delete as appropriate. There is still a lot of ignorance about neurodiversity everywhere!

Honestly? Life is messy. Communication and people are complex and chaotic even if NT. Try not to take one individual’s experience of one neurodiverse person as reflecting on all. That way only suffering lies. Also people can say hurtful things in a casual way without realising the effect it has. Your friends sound like the latter.

It is awful and dismissive.
The lines become crossed as unfortunately when a DC has bad behaviour and ASD some people excuse the behaviour.
Both of my DC are on the spectrum.
DD is lovely DS can be a handful but he faces consequences and I know the difference between a sensory reaction and a wee maggot reaction.
Another annoying one is when people with sensory traits suggest they are a bit autistic.
If only not liking demin was the same.
It is ignorance.

So sorry that you were asked that Scautish

Iv too think a lot of that type of attitude has come from the online discussions for NT partners only about NT/Aspergers' couples. 'AS does not automatically mean ARSE' is frequently stated there, small consolation I guess.

There's an awful long way to go before any differences are accepted in NT society. It seems as though fixed ideas and rigidity of thought are not solely the province of the neurodiverse when it comes to relationships, working relationships and general socialising.

I've no answer, usually better education on neurodiversity is the first suggestion, but having seen first hand and read hundreds of accounts about it from other people, it seems any acceptance by the majority of the NT community of anything outside their norms not only isn't understood but the effort to understand it and the desire to understand it is absent.

It’s a difficult one, some behaviours are not uncommon ND traits and can be excused in that situation, but in an NT person are rude and thoughtless. More education means people recognise that those traits can be a product of ASD and want to acknowledge that and accept it, but don’t know if it applies to that person. If it doesn’t, they likely are just an unpleasant person. The way it was phrased to you is awful and unacceptable though

Also people can say hurtful things in a casual way without realising the effect it has. Your friends sound like the latter.

@Sparrowsong

Quite an ironic statement really?

But I’m just wondering why the need to use such derogatory language? Why not Asperger’s or a bit rude/insensitive/arrogant? But cunt is such a venomous description and I think reveals the disregard with which so many view us.

Can you imagine if two teachers were discussing a child who was having trouble reading; “dyslexic or thick as pigshit?”

Or a child who had hearing issues as “deaf or an ignorant little twat?”

Neither of these things would be remotely acceptable. Each child might be displaying traits which are not “normal” but a decent person, an educated person, surely realised there could be underlying issues amd doesn’t immediately offer insults as an explanation?

I’m just asking why the same courtesy is not extended to autistic people?