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Original poster

This isn’t fair !!!

33 replies

Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 09:15

So I’m a SAHM and Dh works part time

I’m responsible for all ‘admin’ everything to do with dc, benefits, bills, hobbies everything plus the household stuff washing etc etc

Dh employed a gardener some years ago and has an accountant plus outsources jobs like getting the car cleaned etc and employed a window cleaner and will get decorators to do painting/builder to do any jobs even small he never does diy etc

I let him know I had booked a cleaner to start this week and he’s said ‘it’s a waste of our money’ and that I should cancel ?? With no solution as to if I do he will do more ??
It’s totally double standards isn’t it ?

OP posts:
HelpfulBelle · 01/06/2021 09:17

It's double standards and financially controlling.

I compromised with DH and we get a cleaner fortnightly. It's a godsend.

JustJoinedRightNow · 01/06/2021 09:19

Suggest cleaning the car yourselves to pay for the house cleaner.

Original poster
Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 09:19

@HelpfulBelle

It's double standards and financially controlling.

I compromised with DH and we get a cleaner fortnightly. It's a godsend.

It’s almost like he feels the services he’s paying for are important and me arranging a cleaner is frivolous
OP posts:
Original poster
Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 09:22

The thing is he’s not financially controlling as I could spend that £30 a week on anything else and he wouldn’t care in the slightest but me getting a cleaner seems to not be ok ?? It’s more like my time is being controlled ?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2021 09:29

Why are you doing everything when he works part time?

Outbutnotoutout · 01/06/2021 09:29

So if he works PT and you SAHP

How much childcare and housework does he pick up?

Original poster
Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 10:03

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why are you doing everything when he works part time?
His hours are part time but he has to travel long distances for his work so that increases him time away from the home hugely
OP posts:
Original poster
Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 10:04

*his

OP posts:
Original poster
Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 10:04

@Outbutnotoutout

So if he works PT and you SAHP

How much childcare and housework does he pick up?

Very very equal with childcare
OP posts:
QueenieMum · 01/06/2021 10:15

My husband was a bit like this (although we'd only ever had a window cleaner previous to that). He thought it was a waste of money - until he saw the results! Once a fortnight we came home to a beautifully clean, tidy house & suddenly it was 'worth it'. It really helped us stay on top of cleaning in between the cleaner's visits.

Cleaning is under rated by those who don't do it. Gardens look messy unless they're regularly tended, houses can look a bit unkempt unless they're maintained with things like decorating. House cleaning is something that just 'gets done'. Until you get a good cleaner! Honestly, both cleaners I've had left my house looking better than we ever could.

Don't cancel. Your time is as valuable as his.

Goodweatherforsnails · 01/06/2021 10:20

How old are your children? If they’re babies/toddlers then you’re being reasonable. Your time is spoken for with children.

If you’re a SAHP to school age children with 30 hours a week of child free time then I think it’s reasonable for him to expect you to be doing cleaning etc rather than paying someone else.

Branleuse · 01/06/2021 10:23

How seriously is he saying it?
Cant you just say no way, im getting the cleaner. Ive thought about it and I want to see how it goes.

He can think what he wants but it doesnt mean hes actually stopping you does it?

Giantrooster · 01/06/2021 11:35

Ha ha, that's an easy one.
Dh cancels all his help and you cancel your cleaner.
Or DH employes who he needs and so do you.
Or Dh employes help for eg 7 hours a week, so you copy and up cleaner hours on a needs basis (to compete)
or simply DH CLEANS Grin. (Cheeky fucker Grin)

Outbutnotoutout · 01/06/2021 12:39

@Giantrooster

Ha ha, that's an easy one. Dh cancels all his help and you cancel your cleaner. Or DH employes who he needs and so do you. Or Dh employes help for eg 7 hours a week, so you copy and up cleaner hours on a needs basis (to compete) or simply DH CLEANS Grin. (Cheeky fucker Grin)
I like this idea 😬😬
loverloverlover · 01/06/2021 12:41

Missing the point but what job does he do that pays enough part time for you to be a sahp and him to hire all that help?!

Xiaoxiong · 01/06/2021 14:57

If he can outsource some of his jobs - gardening, accountancy, DIY, car cleaning, then why can't you outsource some of yours? It's fine if you are splitting chores up between you, but it's not fair if only one of you gets to use family money to buy leisure time by outsourcing jobs.

You should have the same amount of free time to do with what you like, not the same burden/number of chores - especially if he outsources his and you do not!

Whosaidit · 01/06/2021 15:00

I dunno. None of us can know exactly how busy you both are but you say that although he works part time, he travels a lot for work which hugely increases his time out of the house. So he basically like full time? Or have I got that wrong?
Unless I’m wrong, and you are v busy doing other things, I think it’s reasonable for a sahm to do the cleaning instead of having a cleaner

Original poster
Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 15:34

@Whosaidit

I dunno. None of us can know exactly how busy you both are but you say that although he works part time, he travels a lot for work which hugely increases his time out of the house. So he basically like full time? Or have I got that wrong? Unless I’m wrong, and you are v busy doing other things, I think it’s reasonable for a sahm to do the cleaning instead of having a cleaner
Yes his hours away from the house are as if he were full time due to travel Yes I’m a sahm but I have children to look after it’s hard to get enough done
OP posts:
Whosaidit · 01/06/2021 15:36

Well yes op but you haven’t said how old your children are which makes a huge difference.

Original poster
Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 15:41

6 ,3 and 4 m

OP posts:
bookh · 01/06/2021 15:42

And you say he does equal childcare. In that scenario with shared childcare, one working, lots of outsourcing I would expect the one not working, male or female to be doing the house stuff.

Giantrooster · 01/06/2021 15:46

If you can afford it, what's the problem? His work isn't 'righter' work than having dc to attend to. If you can pay to make both your lives more tolerable, why not?

Original poster
Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 15:53

@Giantrooster

If you can afford it, what's the problem? His work isn't 'righter' work than having dc to attend to. If you can pay to make both your lives more tolerable, why not?
Exactly. This is my point . He seems to his outsourcing as necessity and mine as frivolity almost !
OP posts:
Original poster
Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 15:54

@bookh

And you say he does equal childcare. In that scenario with shared childcare, one working, lots of outsourcing I would expect the one not working, male or female to be doing the house stuff.
Equal when he is here

When he’s not here I struggle to get things done round the house

OP posts:
Original poster
Notexactlyfair · 01/06/2021 15:56

I feel like I have to make crappy choices because of it and a cleaner would enable me to have more time at the moment it seems to be
Take dc to park v hang out the washing
Do an activity with dc v hoovering
Etc etc. I’d just like things a little more In order so at least one day a week I know I can just go to the park etc and not still have everything waiting to get done when I get back

OP posts:
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