Why is it ok for others to be quiet/shy but not me?

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I have always been quite shy/quiet/reserved. However, I have improved a lot. At work I am a little reserved and prefer to listen more than I talk but I still engage with lots of conversations and have good relationships with my colleagues (some I would even class as friends). I can speak up in meetings, ask for help, etc as and when needed.

Despite all this I still get the "you're so quiet" comments that make my heart sink as they prove all my attempts at being more outgoing aren't enough.

A senior at work has mentioned it to me several times. Once when I actively engaged in a conversation with my colleague and he came over and changed the subject and then remarked that I'm very quiet (despite happily chatting away as he walked over), and the next time I was sitting alone in the office when he walked over and said "you're so quiet"? He once also said I'm so quiet he forgets I even work here. I smile and make small talk with him so it's not like I sit there completely silent when he walks in.

I have several colleagues who are also quiet and he never, ever says it to them. It's a pattern I have seen before at university and school where my quietness will be commented on but not others'. I don't understand why.

Ugh, people are idiots. That’s all.

When someone brings it up can you say something like, yes I am fairly quiet and often people feel a bit threatened by that, especially if they’re insecure. There’s an interesting book called ‘Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking’. Would you like me to forward you an Amazon link for it?

They’re being dolts. So rude. Carry on being who you are. Sounds like you’re socially confident, just reserved.

I experienced this throughout my life and always felt hurt, thinking that the person saying it was indirectly calling me ‘boring’. It used to play on my mind and I would feel incredibly self conscious in social situations.

When I reached my thirties, something in me almost snapped - I no longer cared whether people found me ‘boring’ or thought I was quiet. I saw things differently, perhaps they were the boring ones. Why should I be the one to talk, why should I keep the conversation flowing. I am by no means confident, but some unknown reason I just no longer care.

I am not sure how old you are but all I can say is (and I know it’s very easy for me to say) don’t take these comments to heart. It is rude for anyone to point out aspects of your personality that don’t fit with their view of how you ‘should behave’. As long as you are comfortable and happy in yourself try not to worry what others think. Keep being you and if they don’t like it, screw them!

Yes some people feel threated by people who speak only when they have something to say. I am one of those people who is considered quiet, aloof and haughty. I have even been told that I think I am better than others! In reality, I am just getting through life and minding my business - 'not gossiping or bad mouthing others'- but somehow this is a problem. Why????? I hear you. It is ok to be us.

I have several colleagues who are also quiet and he never, ever says it to them

Anything different about them? Age, sex, seniority?

I always had this at school, and totally identify with what you said about your heart sinking when people point it out. Sometimes the more people mention it, the more quiet you become, as it makes you self conscious. Sometimes people just feel a bit awkward around people who are quieter so I guess they’re saying it because they don’t know what else to say. Annoying but try not to take it personally. It’s their awkwardness really rather than yours

In different jobs over the last 10 years people have said the same things about how I am at work. It happened again recently in a completely new setting. I was so upset ! But then I decided I guess there is something about me that makes their observation true and that makes them think it is ok to tell me about it. I am going to have to own it and not let it bother me. It isn't anything I am doing that is terrible, just an observation. I think it says alot about those who think it is ok to comment too and take note of that for future reference.

Hi OP this has been my experience too. All through school and into adulthood (I'm almost 40). Sadly I haven't yet fully got to the point of not caring what others think, although I often tell myself to!

In the work situation it is particularly difficult because it can feel like a criticism of how you do your job or interact with colleagues. I had this on a 4 month appraisal into one job and it felt devastating.

In general, 'Why are you so quiet?' is a very annoying question, although I find usually it comes from genuine interest albeit slight ignorance because it's really not the way to get someone talking. It really does make your heart sink especially when you feel you've been doing well in a social situation. And i find that my voice goes very feeble whenever I'm asked, all confidence is gone. What answer are they expecting?!

I've found that friendly extroverts bring me out of myself. I usually have more of a problem with people who are perhaps a little bit shy or introverted themselves but function well around most people so maybe don't see themselves as the quiet person. They come into contact with someone more introverted or shy and the conversation is stilted, so they might question why that person isn't talking, not realising that they too are a fairly shy personality, not the outgoing type who will keep talking regardless.

On the other hand, some extroverts just can't understand how/why someone would be quiet, and that can be hard to deal with. That's when you feel like saying 'why are you so loud?' But that would, of course, be kind of rude to point out someone's personal trait.

Next time (now I think about it) I might just say 'I'm not so quiet when talking to a friendly extrovert' and see how that goes down.

Very much easier said than done, but I echo the advice about not caring at all how quietness is perceived by others. And have a few replies ready, so you can calmly answer without feeling flustered or criticised.

The people saying this to you are being a bit rude. Their problem, not yours.

With this man in particular, I would guess that he fancies you.

I am a teacher and we aren't allowed to use the word "quiet" because of its negative associations. Which i both find sad and understandable.

I was painfully shy up until my mid twenties. I am still an introvert, but can cover it better now. But i will also feel socially anxious.

I have lived in a lot of countries and found the uk to be least tolerant of introversion. Don't know why - maybe less empathy in general? But I live in Scandinavia now. It is no issue here, which i love.

With this man in particular, I would guess that he fancies you.

That sounds like a possibility. Is he annoyed that you won't talk to him like he wants and is taking as a form of rejection? He is a rude twat anyway.

I was wondering if you are attractive and/or have a look that appeals to others. People expect you to open up them because they are interested in you. Then they insult you when you don't play along. Sadly people usually just ignore others that they aren't interested in, which could be why similar "quiet" people you know don't get insulted.

@Peacelillyhippy

With this man in particular, I would guess that he fancies you.

That sounds like a possibility. Is he annoyed that you won't talk to him like he wants and is taking as a form of rejection? He is a rude twat anyway.

I was wondering if you are attractive and/or have a look that appeals to others. People expect you to open up them because they are interested in you. Then they insult you when you don't play along. Sadly people usually just ignore others that they aren't interested in, which could be why similar "quiet" people you know don't get insulted.

Yes, he sounds like he's claiming your attention rather often. If it's only him, I'd conclude that this is him not you. If you're quiet but obviously helpful and good-natured - maybe in actions, emails, whatever conversations you have - I'd agree other people may find you approachable in ways others aren't.

But I absolutely hated it, as a teenager, when people did this to me - particularly after I'd made a huge effort in an uncomfortable situation. I remember thinking I'd navigated a residential week with 20 complete strangers successfully enough, only to have one of the leaders take me aside and advise me to be less quiet and shy at the very end.

So, extroverts - if you want to get quiet people talking, maybe try an easier subject than their shyness!

@AtrociousCircumstance

Ugh, people are idiots. That’s all.

When someone brings it up can you say something like, yes I am fairly quiet and often people feel a bit threatened by that, especially if they’re insecure. There’s an interesting book called ‘Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking’. Would you like me to forward you an Amazon link for it?

They’re being dolts. So rude. Carry on being who you are. Sounds like you’re socially confident, just reserved.

Haha I like this answer. I'd probably leave out the last part about forwarding amazon link.

OP it's nice to work with quiet people who are relaxed and confident and don't need to interrupt every silent moment... I wouldn't let this individual change your behaviours.

Hi OP, I too get this comment a lot. For some reason it’s always men who like to point it out! I know what you mean about your heart sinking, especially when you try hard to join in the conversation. I wish people realised how draining it is for introverts to keep up with conversations and to ‘banter’ with others. If anyone asks me the dreaded ‘why are you so quiet’ or states ‘you’re so quiet Penny!’ I just respond with ‘that’s just my nature’ with a smile and continue with what I am doing. I used to try and laugh it off before, but as previous posters have said, it completely knocks your confidence and sometimes it shows.

Just keep doing what you’re doing, there’s nothing wrong with being quiet

People commenting that you're quiet sounds like an observation or conversation starter to me, not a criticism. In fact, I think a whole lot more people should consider being quiet haha.

Also, I don't think you have any way of knowing what is said to others who are also quiet or shy unless you are around them all the time.

Next Time I'd simply reply to him well they do say that empty vessels make the most noise and then I'd walk away 😅😅

People who are quiet are generally good listeners. That's an incredible skill.

I had the 'you're so quiet' feedback and replied that I prefer to listen and so I can really learn, understand and implement what's required. .I'm happy to ask short questions and can be chatty in a social situation if it's small groups. I do recognise that it's hard for others to be with someone who doesn't do their fair share of conversation so I do push myself.

But my Grandad always said never forget 'empty vessels make the most noise'

Quiet ppl annoy the fuck out of me because you have to work so much harder to make conversation. Be shy at home. In social settings and professionally you'll be more likable if you make more effort

How is it a conversation starter? What would you expect someone to say in response?

“Speak fitly, or stay silent wisely!”

I was sitting alone in the office when he walked over and said "you're so quiet"?
Should you be talking to yourself?!

You could say yes because Im working right now, thats what you pay me for.
Or you just interrupted our conversation. Did you not see my mouth opening and closing as you crossed the room.
Or you could wind him up and say Im listening to the voices in my head with a
Or you could say yes I am.
Or and?

I used to get that a lot and feel your pain. I'd usually make a joke of it if people commented - "it's the quiet ones you've got to watch" etc. As I got more established at work, I noticed that even though (or maybe because) I might not say much in certain settings, when I did say something people tended to listen. Once I noticed that it gave me more confidence and I started to lean into it. Now others actually comment on it too and I've totally embraced it. Quality over quantity and all that!

I am the opposite, I am a talker and a pretty strong extrovert.

Over the years I have had to learn to stop talking so much, when I meet people who are 'quieter' I have realised that I need to shut up sometimes and allow space for others and to be comfortable with silence.

It has taken me a long time to do that. And I regularly meet extroverts who will happily tell me they hate silence and are not comfortable with it and always try and fill the gap. In doing so they end up dominating the conversation and not listening to others who need more time /space to express their thoughts.

So, I think this is 100% the issue and problem of the extrovert. They have to learn to be better conversationalists, to be better at stepping back. It is not your issue, it is theirs.

Do you avoid looking people in the eye.
Not saying there's anything wrogn with this but is this why people make the 'so quiet' comment to you and not others.
Or do you always look people in the eye but don't comment.
Or do you have pink and purple striped hair and stunning outfits so stand out from the crowd - but you don't behave as people would expect you to.

Just wondering why people say this to you.
Or do you have a quiet voice.

Eurgh, I've had this all through my school and working life. I am shy but I also believe in speaking when you have something relevant or important to say, not just to waffle on. I'm quite direct and this surprises people. When I told my employer I was pregnant, they told me to be more open and share more. Uh, why? I share with my colleagues who are friends.

Be proud of who you are and don't think you need to change for anyone. People can feel threatened by quieter people. It's just the same as asking why they're so loud and obnoxious!

I think it depends. My dh is shy and quiet and it really annoys me sometimes now we wfh closely together. I have to constantly ask him to repeat himself and if he was a colleague I'd have given up and only spoken to someone else when I needed something as I'd have felt rude asking so many times.

He thinks he's speaking normally but he's not. It can barely be audible some days.
He also mumbles. The mumbling infuriates me. He's nice and friendly and does try to join in a conversation as a group but it's excruciatingly painful watching him stop a flowing conversation with his quietness.
There's nothing really wrong with it unless it hampers communication though. I think in the U.K. it's a very important skill to have to be able to communicate confidently and effectively.

As soon as my dd was old enough she was in speech&drama lessons learning how to present herself and talk. Being confident and louder has gotten me many a job and denied dh jobs with his mumbly ways. He's always surprised when 'personality' is the issue when he doesn't get the job.
Saying this perhaps some jobs are more suited to being quiet? If this is affecting you it may be worth considering moving workplace.