Why is it ok for others to be quiet/shy but not me?

[hgfdfbg]

I have always been quite shy/quiet/reserved. However, I have improved a lot. At work I am a little reserved and prefer to listen more than I talk but I still engage with lots of conversations and have good relationships with my colleagues (some I would even class as friends). I can speak up in meetings, ask for help, etc as and when needed.

Despite all this I still get the "you're so quiet" comments that make my heart sink as they prove all my attempts at being more outgoing aren't enough.

A senior at work has mentioned it to me several times. Once when I actively engaged in a conversation with my colleague and he came over and changed the subject and then remarked that I'm very quiet (despite happily chatting away as he walked over), and the next time I was sitting alone in the office when he walked over and said "you're so quiet"? He once also said I'm so quiet he forgets I even work here. I smile and make small talk with him so it's not like I sit there completely silent when he walks in.

I have several colleagues who are also quiet and he never, ever says it to them. It's a pattern I have seen before at university and school where my quietness will be commented on but not others'. I don't understand why.

This thread has made me think quite a lot because I am rather quiet/introverted and I never get these sorts of comments. I think it might be because my introversion and social anxiety make me over-accommodating to other people. Although I prefer not to speak much, and find things mch easier in conversations with people who are happy to do 80% of the talking, I habitually 'perform', often unconsciously, to fit in with expectations, and this includes talking whenever I think (rightly or wrongly) that is what's expected.

So I wonder, OP, whether you are a fairly resilient, centred person, not overly compliant with what you perceive others to 'need' from you. I wonder whether the people who comment on your quietness are actually unnerved by your self-sufficiency?

In some cases this might be because they themselves are rather introverted and socially anxious, and they may simply be looking for reassurance. Which is fair enough, I suppose:, though perhaps annoying.

But in other cases they might be, well ... they might just be men, and the comment "Why are you so quiet?" might be on a par with the classic "Why don't you smile more?" ie they are requiring you to behave in a conspiciously 'femiine' and placatory way (I do think that 'chatter', especially a particular kind of emotionally sensitive other-pleasing chatter, is placatory, in my case at any rate an attempt to fend off other's judgement or dislike).

It's their problem, not yours.

Personally I think it's really rude when people make comments like that. Why are they commenting and what do they expect will come from it? Seems like they are demanding that you change to make them slightly less uncomfortable with silence?

It's very entitled if you think about it. You are who you are. I'd also question a senior male collegue saying that to a female who is beneath him. It stinks of privilege and I wonder if he'd say it if you were male.

Either way, it is entirely him being unpleasant.

But maybe there's also something about you coming to terms with who you are, and as an introvert in a world that seems geared up for extroverts, that can be quite hard. It's important to be comfortable in your own skin.

I can be quiet in some situations too, and if someone made a comment like this to me I would shrug it off as I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea (no one is!) I know myself and I am happy with how I am, I also have many friends who value me, so it's really water off a duck's back if someone at work makes a comment like that.

Perhaps some counselling could be helpful for you to talk through why this bothers you when people make these comments, and how you can deal with them and feel more comfortable in yourself? It definitely helped me :)

@LunaLula83

Quiet ppl annoy the fuck out of me because you have to work so much harder to make conversation. Be shy at home. In social settings and professionally you'll be more likable if you make more effort

I hope you understand they aren't being paid to make conversation with you. While you may like it when people make conversation with you, they equally like it when you let them think and have some space and silence every once in a while.

Do you ever think about things from other people's perspective? Or is the way you do everything the right way?

It sounds like negging to me!

People have said the same to me in the past. "You're really quiet" or "you're really reserved" - usually in a work environment. It got to the stage I'd smile and say "how do you mean"? and make them justify their statement. Usually it was a group of people chattering about TV or their weekends or similar. Whilst I occasionally joined in these conversations on first meeting them in the day, I really had my focus on doing my job and getting through my projects when I was actually at my desk. Had no problem chatting in a social environment but needed to concentrate on doing my best to get my job done to the best of my ability - which I was paid to do and which my performance review depended. 🌹

@LunaLula83

Quiet ppl annoy the fuck out of me because you have to work so much harder to make conversation. Be shy at home. In social settings and professionally you'll be more likable if you make more effort

Good grief, Luna. Are you sure these people you are so annoyed by actually want the conversation that you try so hard to make with them?

I've had comments like that all through school! It used to really upset me.
The last time someone said it to me was 3 years ago and it was like a kick to the stomach.

It's horrible that you just want to be yourself yet other people make it seem like you have a disease! Just for being a more introverted person.

Now I'm 30 I really don't give a crap about it. I can make conversation, however at times I just don't want to. I want to be left to get on with things alone.
I have loads of hobbies and interests, I'm certainly not a boring person and I won't let anyone make me believe that any more.

Why can't we just say
''yes, I'm an introvert, it's my personality'' or
''I have social anxiety'' or
'' You have introverts & extroverts, I'm an introvert''
Just say it!
We're all different, there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, just that an extravert has come along & noticed & is ignorant enough to say '' you're quiet'' (just that we wouldn't say ''oh, you're loud'' cos we know they're an extravert.) So shoot it right back & embrace it! Why should we feel uncomfortable? you tell him, he'll leave you alone.
It doesn't necessarily stunt us from doing things, ( if in your comfort zone I guess) you got through the interview for the job in the first place.

I think personal comments like that are incredibly rude and ignorant.

Conversely you don't find people saying "you are very loud, you are never silent"?

If they did, it would immediately identified as rude.

He's rude.
Possibly fancies you and in the way of a real twat, can't cope with not getting positive feedback from you.🙄

You could ask "why does it bother you so much?" With a quizzical expression, if he continues to ask.

You also could stare at them as they ask and make THEM feel uncomfortable.

@LunaLula83

Quiet ppl annoy the fuck out of me because you have to work so much harder to make conversation. Be shy at home. In social settings and professionally you'll be more likable if you make more effort

Who’s forcing you to make conversation? How about you be talkative at home and in social settings leave the rest of us alone.

@LunaLula83

Quiet ppl annoy the fuck out of me because you have to work so much harder to make conversation. Be shy at home. In social settings and professionally you'll be more likable if you make more effort

Has it ever occurred to you that being 'quiet' does not necessarily equate to 'making no effort'?

If these comments are being consistently aimed at you in a work context and it's making you feel uncomfortable I'd be inclined to discuss it with HR. It's really not acceptable to make personal remarks at work - it's unprofessional and does not make for a positive working environment.

The only man to say it to me in a professional setting was decades older and made no secret of the fact that he fancied me. It was disgusting but I paid no attention because he was thick as pig shite. I only talk when I have something constructive and meaningful to say. I’m drained by the number of people who literally let diarrhoea flow from their mouths nonstop to cover up how they don’t know much. And many people buy it.

I rather envy people who have this capacity for quiet, who aren't spooked by silence and don't feel the need to fill it. Envy? Maybe 'admire' would be more accurate.

I wonder whether people who attack this personal characteristic resent that someone else has it and they don't. Do they find it threatening?

Luna I think you should see a doctor for the verbal diarrhoea

@LunaLula83

Quiet ppl annoy the fuck out of me because you have to work so much harder to make conversation. Be shy at home. In social settings and professionally you'll be more likable if you make more effort

Fuck's sake. Learn some empathy.

I have these comments too OP, you have my sympathy. Worse one is when people say things like they weren't even sure I was there, and then laugh. Also I think some people talk down to me because I'm quiet, as if I have to be spoken to like a child (I'm 48!!) I get on with my work, I don't waste work time gossiping about rubbish - a good employer should appreciate that surely, not make me feel depressed by commenting on my personality in a negative way every day. I do wish some people would grow up and realise that we are not all the same.

It's incredibly rude to point out to people what you perceive to be their shortcomings. I would turn it back on them, getting them to explain what they really mean and then, after they've insulted you by describing what it is about that they don't like, you just acknowledge that they've expressed an unwelcome personal opinion. A bit like when someone shouts sexual harassment at you in the street and you ask them to repeat themselves. Like this:

Twat: You're so quiet!
You: Sorry?
Twat: You're so quiet!
You: What do you mean by that?
Twat: Well... You know. You don't talk very much, do you?
You: Ok?
Twat: Yeah, like... You're so reserved and you don't contribute to conversations in the office.
You: Oh, do you think? Ok! (Nod and smile like he's a socially inept idiot you feel sorry for.)

@LunaLula83 oh fuck off. It's probably the rude wankers like you that never shut up talking utter tripe that leave the other people any space to even think never mind speak!

Popping in as a person who is probably perceived as quite loud, because when I'm nervous or anxious I talk, to say I LOVE when I walk into the break room and there is a 'quiet' person there, who I can say morning to and then not have to make forced conversation with them for my entire break. I work on the phones, I don't want to pretend to be interested in someone I barely know in my break, I want to be polite and then read my book. More quiet people, please

Also the quiet people I work with have plenty to contribute in say a meeting they're involved in, or on the phone to a customer. It's just that what they say is helpful and needed, and what they're not saying is pointless time wasting stuff. Quiet doesn't mean 'shit at your job'

Benefit of working from home is not having the large office of very loud people discussing love island at great length whilst I'm trying to work 🤣

Thank you all for your replies, they have made me feel a lot better.

I think the main issue is that this is a senior colleague (my manager's manager) saying it and he is a lot older than me (I'm in my 20s, he's probably late 50s/early 60s) so it's just not a comfortable dynamic to be in. I don't feel comfortable around him anyway which makes me even quieter because he can be quite inappropriate although I have noticed he has reigned it in a lot recently.

The other colleagues who are also quiet are also women, similar age to me and working at the same level as me so I'm not sure why I always get the comments from him but they don't.

Perhaps keep a record of these incidents of microaggressions in case you need to report this person.