Not being a martyr but know that kids will be better off if I'm doing things with them rather than DH

[Isthisacanofbeansorworms]

I often see mums here being accused of mummy martyrs but is it not the case sometimes that some DHs will simply pop the kids in front of the tv for hours with some sugary snacks, something which the mums could just do themselves anyway if they wanted downtime? I know that there's nothing wrong with a bit of tv and unhealthy food but often you know it's going to be more harm than good, like if they've had trouble sleeping or are going through an adjustment

I know that I feel I can't simply "leave DH in charge for the day" because the only ones who would miss out are the kids (and maybe me later) who would be bored and emotional. And nobody would learn from it because DH would never understand that was a problem. He is actually pretty involved, does bedtime for DC1, cooks and we are otherwise equal partners so no need to LTB but I'm absolutely the default parent. He'll quite openly admit he puts his needs for sleep and relaxation etc first whereas I'll put the kids first (within reason, as they also need a sane and functioning mum) and I don't think that's being a martyr but the right thing to do!

I'm not sure what the answer to this is on a society level but do feel sympathy for mums accused of martyrdom. This doesn't apply to the competitive martyr mums, which is a separate thing altogether!

I get what you're saying here.

I used to find it frustrating (when the dc were little) that if I was downstairs with the dc and he was having a break, then I'd spend the time getting up, admiring art work, getting drinks etc etc
Dh would settle down with his book and read while they just played round him.

It's not that he wouldn't do what I did, it's that they just didn't ask him.

Now they're older though, they settle down with him to do things like games and I get more breaks. Currently two are still asleep (as is dh-they watched a late night film together last night) and the youngest is on the computer. He dashed through a couple of minutes ago shouting "hello" to his budgies, grabbed a piece of bread and disappeared again.

And nobody would learn from it because DH would never understand that was a problem.

But presumably you have pointed out there's a problem? And that there's a compromise to be made between prioritising your own needs and those of your children? And that you are in fact being a martyr in letting whatever your husband would do with the children get in the way of you having time off. Be your own priority.

I think it’s very sad that that’s how you feel about your husband as a father. You’re basically saying that spending time being looked after him is a detriment to your children. I’m not saying it’s not true - that’s your call to make that judgement. But even if he does just let the kids watch tv I don’t know how beneficial it is for kid to grow up thinking that their dad is unable to take care of them and that mum is the one doing everything with them. I think you need to address this as a family.

My DH wouldn't do that, he'd take him for a massive walk in the park or the beach and then think he was doing good not realising he's a small person and needs a nap. Then I'd be left with an incredibly overtired toddler when I get home haha.

My DH tries, it's been hard with lockdown to find new activities. My toddler is currently petrified of soft play, he used to love it. DH recently introduced him to a tablet so he can watch his favourite nursery songs. I wasn't keen on this.

Trying to find a balance, trying to both be active and entertain a toddler and it's not always easy

I've been guilty of sharing a pack of quavers in front of the telly just so I can have a quick sit down and coffee.

But I completely see what you're saying Op because my dad was the same, if my mum ever (and she rarely did) go out without us, then we were plonked in front of a tv or computer with sweets and fizzy drinks. My dad genuinely didn't see the harm (going back to the 90s) but he's much better with my Ds

I've been guilty of sharing a pack of quavers in front of the telly just so I can have a quick sit down and coffee.

I’ve been guilty of putting Hey Duggee on to have 5 mins peace with a cup of tea - before you know it you’re on your 8th episode and it’s actually been nearly an hour or something

We're pretty similar and would do much the same with the kids if sole parenting - walk, playground, home for TV to recover for all concerned!

My Dh is a bit like that. More so in the winter, now hes pretty good at playing in the garden with them but he doesn't play with toys or craft like I do.

I love doing things with my kids and think a whole afternoon in front of the TV is a waste but I think that about me to. Before kids I'd never waste an afternoon watching tv

I get you op, my dh was always very lazy when it came to the dc, they were safe and fed but he always put his own needs first. I used to work saturdays and he would pretty much leave them in front of the tv, give them hot dogs for lunch and other assorted rubbish throughout the day. Tbf he was a great partner and well able to cook and clean, just not great on the parenting front. It's very annoying always being the default parent and even more galling is that they have a great relationaship with him now that they are grown and remember those saturdays very fondly.

Why would your kids be emotional? It honestly does no harm to let them entertain themselves for a few hours. Many, many parents just a few years ago didn’t spend hours doing crafts/playing with toys with their kids for hours. They just did whatever they were doing and left the kids to get on with it.

Yes, I understand you! I feel like my husband uses tv time when he is with the toddler so when I get back from my activities I don’t have the lazy option left anymore.

Children don't need constant activities and projects. Unsupervised, self-directed play and - yes - boredom is really important to their development.

I agree with pps about dc not needing constant activities and a day in front of the tv now and then is no harm, my dc are proof of that, but him not bothering to engage with them, or not knowing about appointments or their interests or whatever so you always have to pick up the slack is very irksome.

Dh would settle down with his book and read while they just played round him

What's wrong with that?

If you said to DH, take them out and don't come back for, say, 3 hours. What would he do?

Dh is better if I give him direction. But I have also learned that just because I want something doing my way, it doesn't mean it's better.

I have also taught the kids to 'ask your dad' or 'talk to your dad' or 'oh look, your dad's doing fuck all, while I am saving the world. Pester him' if I want peace. Reading trumps phone scrolling, so if I'm reading, all issues are directed to the man on his phone.

oh look, dad is doing fuck all, while i am saving the world. Pester him

Dh would settle down with his book and read while they just played round him
It's a problem if that's all he does. My dh used to be like that and it drove me mad as it's not fair - both parents can't be 100% or 0%. The burden has to be shared.

I understand that you don't know what a man will be like as a parent until after you have a child, but if he is pretty useless as a parent why would you then go on to have more children with him? So nope, I don't feel sympathy for mums in that situation.

I agree with @Pinkblueberry on that this is sad you think your DH looking after the children is a detriment to them.

In addition, I also think it a bit arrogant that you think your children are always better off when looked after by you. Everyone has different parenting styles, so he isn’t going to parent exactly the same as you. Both styles can be beneficial to children.

If he’s neglectful or abusive then that is something you need to address as a family. But if it’s just “different” from what you would do, that doesn’t automatically make it not only inferior to how you parent but an active detriment instead of neutral or a different benefit.

I agree with a pp tbh. Kids do not need to be entertained or kept busy every single hour of every day! What is wrong with them watching TV for an hour or two? Or better yet playing on their own? I think some parents make things harder for themselves by constantly trying to micromanage their kids and no I do not feel sympathy for parents like that. I try to strike a balance. As for your kids being bored and emotional maybe you are a cause of that moreso than your dh because you have gotten them used to always being entertained. Kids ought to know how to keep themselves busy.

I agree OP. And in my case it’s also gps, uncles and aunts. They all want to spend time with the dc but it makes me feel super guilty about letting them have screens and junk food on my watch too.
I know it’s unrealistic to expect it, but I would have so loved someone to step in from time to time and do outdoor activities, healthy meals and make everyone brush their teeth and wash their hair and let me have a break from the responsibility for a few hours. I don’t even have any nieces and nephews that I get to be cool with and it’s wearing being dull, sensible mum all the time.
On top of that I had a food-phobic dc, who would refuse healthy food because df/dh/du/da let him have it smothered in jam or maple syrup.
It’s supposed to be lovely that our family are so interested in the dc, but I dread it too, because I’m the idiot who has to pick up the pieces. They compete with each other to buy the biggest lego sets for ds, but I’m the one dealing with the daily issues of a child with too much stuff who can’t bear to part with anything (asd).
And if I complain or ask them to stop I’m u reasonable, a martyr, etc.

It is what it is. I don’t have the mental capacity to sort it out on top of everything else. But I get where you’re coming from.

The thing is it would really do you good to get out for the day every now and then and see your friends or take a couple of hours to do your hobby and the kids will be fine even if they do end up watching TV. I think you could talk about healthy eating and insist on limiting the junk food but a few treats won't hurt.

I think leaving kids to be bored with the tv off while you are getting on with something is great and totally different to sitting disengaged with them and just changing the channel and telling them to watch something different if they ask to do something for example. Actually DH isn't like that either but he probably would be if left in charge for a whole day!

To be clear, I don't think that my DH spending time with the kids is a detrimental and he's really involved with some things. I don't complain about it either as it's just the way things are but I don't think some mums who post here are trying to be martyrs but just doing the best they can

Tv is a bit of a red herring because there's nothing wrong with it in isolation sometimes and goodness knows the kids probably watch too much with me too! But I do know that if they spend too long sitting about, eating crap with no routine it affects their sleep and behaviour

I think I've phrased this poorly as it's not really an attack on my DH who has plenty of attributes I lack, more a defence of mums who are described as martyrs when they are just doing what they can. I agree there are some who do overdo things seemingly for approval and that is different though it's not my place to judge that I suppose

Honestly your DH might rise to the occasion if he is left to be in charge. I know my DH would often default to me doing things but if left in charge would step up, partly due to nagging by a bored toddler! There's no reason you couldn't give a bit of direction if you are generally the main parent, like say they need a run in the park in the afternoon or they won't sleep and they are only allowed one sugary treat or whatever. I know he's not a babysitter but maybe he doesn't know your rules and routines.