Not being a martyr but know that kids will be better off if I'm doing things with them rather than DH

[Isthisacanofbeansorworms]

I often see mums here being accused of mummy martyrs but is it not the case sometimes that some DHs will simply pop the kids in front of the tv for hours with some sugary snacks, something which the mums could just do themselves anyway if they wanted downtime? I know that there's nothing wrong with a bit of tv and unhealthy food but often you know it's going to be more harm than good, like if they've had trouble sleeping or are going through an adjustment

I know that I feel I can't simply "leave DH in charge for the day" because the only ones who would miss out are the kids (and maybe me later) who would be bored and emotional. And nobody would learn from it because DH would never understand that was a problem. He is actually pretty involved, does bedtime for DC1, cooks and we are otherwise equal partners so no need to LTB but I'm absolutely the default parent. He'll quite openly admit he puts his needs for sleep and relaxation etc first whereas I'll put the kids first (within reason, as they also need a sane and functioning mum) and I don't think that's being a martyr but the right thing to do!

I'm not sure what the answer to this is on a society level but do feel sympathy for mums accused of martyrdom. This doesn't apply to the competitive martyr mums, which is a separate thing altogether!

I have had this in a slightly different way in that my DH is much more lenient with DC than I am. And it annoys me a lot of the time because it is harder to stick to boundaries and it's so much easier - in the short term - to say yes all the time.

@Kokosrieksts

Yes, I understand you! I feel like my husband uses tv time when he is with the toddler so when I get back from my activities I don’t have the lazy option left anymore.

I've seen this before on here as being called 'using up the slack'.

So in each family there is a certain amount of slacking off that's ok: easy microwave meals, leaving the kids with the TV for a morning, not brushing their teeth before bed, doing the minimum homework etc. A lot of men use up all this 'slack'. Every time they make dinner it's a ready meal, they don't make the kids brush their teeth, they let the kids do minimum homework. Now the mum can't have any of this 'slack' because the kids teeth would fall out, they'd be unhealthy, they get in trouble at school. If one parent is using the slack all the time then the other parent never gets any slack. They have to do the hard things each and every time. It's not fair.

But you’re literally setting this up so that he gets worse and worse with them, and they become less and less able to engage him. He’s not harming them, kids don’t need constant engagement (I actually think this is behind a lot of the issues many kids have when older), so just let him get on with it