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Original poster

No contact from friend in 4 months. End of friendship?

43 replies

Maria53 · 30/05/2021 23:47

Thinking about when the friend re-emerges - if he ever does.

I've been friends with a man for 15 years, im in my late 20s so from teenage years. Always platonic & I have long considered him to be one of my best friends.

Since first lockdown, we have spoken twice. I now haven't heard from him in 4 months - can see he is active on social media so not dead in a ditch. I feel hurt and I miss my friend.

This happened a couple of times before about 7 years ago. He became very flaky, cancelling meet ups multiple times. At the time, I said I thought the friendship had run its course due to its one sidedness & he begged me to reconsider, said he would make it up to me etc. For the next 5 years or so, he was a much better friend. Supported me through illness, we went on holiday with mutual friends and partners.

He knows I live alone and I find it upsetting that he can't be bothered replying during this year in particular. I'm now wondering how to respond if he does come back to me. Should I just let this friendship go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 30/05/2021 23:53

On the one hand, friendships drift sometimes.

But on the other, this has been the year from hell. I have made an effort to reach out to friends living alone in particular. If he does come back to me with the 'sorry it has been so long' spiel, again - what does this say about me and my sense of self respect if I'm fine with that? I'm not ok with being ignored for long chunks of time barring serious life situations.

OP posts:
Blinkingbotheration · 30/05/2021 23:53

Hmmm - I have a good few friends whom I can go months without talking to. My best friend from Uni I prob only speak to once a year but when we meet up you’d never know!! As you go through life there are times when friendships wax & wane depending on what stage you’re at...true friendships don’t need constant contact to be maintained. If you’ve been ghosted that’s a different matter.

MargaretThursday · 30/05/2021 23:56

I agree with the above.
I have friendships that we may not speak for a few months but when we do it's like we're just continuing from where we left off.

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Relationship problems
HerNameIsIncontinentiaButtocks · 30/05/2021 23:57

Like Blinking, I've got friends who I may not talk to for several years at a time. Geographical issues mostly. I wouldn't be bothered.

You've not said what caused earlier 'flakiness', as you've centred all you've about yourself. Sometimes it's not about you. Who knows what's going on in his life?

Original poster
Maria53 · 30/05/2021 23:57

Any other year I would agreed with this pov @Blinkingbotheration.

But this pandemic year makes me feel differently. My mental health has suffered lately from being alone for so long. I do have other friends but I miss this friend.

An acquaintance who had lived alone killed himself recently - he had been struggling in silence. I'm not feeling as bad as that and I am taking steps to improve my mental health.

But the point is my friend doesn't know how I am one way or the other and doesn't seem to care to find out.

OP posts:
SlB09 · 30/05/2021 23:59

As above. Just to turn it round a little how has he coped? Maybe he's been really struggling through this and found it difficult to reach out etc, have you reached out to him? Could you get in touch and explain how you've felt and maybe talk about it?

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 00:00

Is he with a particular woman at this time, by any chance?

People do tend to grow apart over time, as interests, needs and locations change and as life's demands get heavier, of course. And male-female relationships are extra vulnerable since people most often pair off and their partners often don't like it.

Even friendships that don't end completely tend to change in intensity level through the years. He might want to come together more if his life situation changes or he has more free time or some other change later on. I'd just be sure not to be demanding or try to contact him too much because then he probably won't want to ever strike it up again, if he feels it will be too heavy of an obligation. Sorry you seem to have lost your pal. :(

Stichintime · 31/05/2021 00:00

It does hurt but he's probably got his own stuff going on.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 00:02

Sorry, just read your second post. If you are not okay with him coming into and out of your life over time, then perhaps it's best to just leave it and move on to find new friends instead.

Original poster
Maria53 · 31/05/2021 00:06

Yes, I have reached out to him multiple times now and been met with radio silence since Feb @SlB09

@BigHeadBertha he has been with his partner for several years now. I get along with her and we also keep in touch separately from to time. Last time we spoke she said she looked forward to me visiting again soon.

Maybe he does have something going on. But who can't lift the phone or send a single message to a mate during a terrible year? I split from my partner shortly before lockdown. It has been pretty rough to deal with alone.

OP posts:
RhubarbCustardy · 31/05/2021 00:08

He might be struggling too. Maybe he's so wrapped up in trying to stay up that he can't think outside of that. There may be a perfectly simple explanation? It's hard as I think many friendships have been put to the test. One whom I'd given up on has suddenly started being in touch with me more than before the pandemic. Another who I contacted a lot at the beginning hasn't bothered. It's a weird time.

Original poster
Maria53 · 31/05/2021 00:09

I feel the friendship is on his terms. I think people should check in on their friends during this time particularly.

The friendship is sustained over time because I put up with his flakiness and because we enjoy each others company when we see each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 31/05/2021 00:10

He once disappeared for 2 years in our early 20s. I thought he had ghosted me & therefore grieved the friendship and found closure.

Then there he was! I've no idea if I've been ghosted or put on hold.

OP posts:
BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 00:21

It seems obvious that he does not want contact with you. And especially since he's done this before, it seems he was not as invested in this friendship as you are anyway. There's really nothing else to do but move on and try to make new friends. :(

Original poster
Maria53 · 31/05/2021 00:25

It doesn't really make sense @BigHeadBertha. Since that hiccup in our early 20s (now 7 years ago) the friendship has been consistent and we've taken several trips together. Last one shortly before pandemic. I can't think of anything that would have triggered this.

I have been making new friends and sustaining old friendships too. But no new friend will be able to replace him - I think ends of friendships are worse than break ups at times!

OP posts:
BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 00:41

I agree that ends of friendships can hurt as much as break ups, Maria.

I have left a lot of friendships myself so I feel like I usually kind of get it when someone backs off or leaves. There are two reasons imo, "with cause" and "without cause."

"With cause" is easy to understand and everyone probably does understand it. If you had gotten into a big fight that ended your friendship, for example.

But I think "without cause" is far more common, and can also be more bewildering to the one who is left or backed off from.

By "without cause," I mean the person who is left behind did not commit an offense.

It's more just that we all have very limited time and energy after work and other adult obligations. So it would not be possible to keep every friend we ever had or keep every friendship up at the same level we once did. So friendships ebb and flow over time or end completely. Very, very few friendships last a lifetime, as far as I can see.

I don't think it necessarily means you don't enjoy that person's company, either. You are just not feeling enough of a connection to them where you want to fit them into those limited time and energy slots anymore.

That's how I see it, anyway.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 00:47

I think it would be nice if he at least said something to you, even if just that he had a lot of things going on right now, so you'd know it wasn't something you'd inadvertently done.

But then sometimes people don't like to grant that courtesy if they have enough times of someone who won't accept it, argues, scolds, makes a scene etc., like it's their right to demand whatever level of friendship they want just because they had it at one time. Sometimes I think it's better to just get lots of dogs and cats. :(

Ostara212 · 31/05/2021 00:57

I recently contacted someone who I felt had neglected me, but not on the same scale.

She was very apologetic and I was very sad to hear her say she thought I might be angry with her for not getting the vaccine. I couldn't believe she'd think that of me. I wouldn't have asked that question to anyone either.

You never know what's going on so I think it's worth a shot, unless you feel the whole thing is too much and you'd rather back away.

newnortherner111 · 31/05/2021 07:54

It may be the end of the friendship as it was, and feeling upset is perfectly reasonable. You seem to describe someone who is poor at contacting people possibly. @Ostara212 mentions the vaccine- could this be something to ask about- 'curious to know if you've had the vaccine?', to resume some contact.

Ostara212 · 31/05/2021 10:09

@newnortherner111

It may be the end of the friendship as it was, and feeling upset is perfectly reasonable. You seem to describe someone who is poor at contacting people possibly. *@Ostara212* mentions the vaccine- could this be something to ask about- 'curious to know if you've had the vaccine?', to resume some contact.
Oh my god

No way in hell would I suggest starting the conversation with that!

If I get any of those messages, I'm blocking them.

AnaViaSalamanca · 31/05/2021 10:14

You seem too invested in this friendship. You need to find other friends and a new support system. People drift away especially when at different stages of life. Maybe they prefer to have couple friends. Maybe they are trying for a baby or dealing with an illness or a million other things. Plus during the past year he might have been focusing on taking care of family members.

A lot of people have had time to think and reevaluate their lives over the pandemic too. Personally I have re evaluated a lot of relationships over the past year and have decided to move away from certain acquaintances simply because I don’t have time to maintain all this keeping in touch and prefer fewer but closer friendships

Spidey66 · 31/05/2021 10:29

I'm terrible at talking on the phone. Hate it. I normally message friends to meet up and then talk.

Obviously the past year, I've not been able to m meet up much so it may seem like radio silence as i havent messaged people. I've kept in touch by FB with some of them. Plus of course lockdown was sooo boring, I hadn't anything to say!,

Doesn't mean I don't live my friends, it's just who I am!

Now we're unlocking I've been better.

ElderMillennial · 31/05/2021 10:32

I have friends I haven't spoken to for months but then I know I haven't made an effort either.

Have you been messaging and getting no replies? Or have you made clear you have been lonely due to lockdown and need his support? If not then I'm not sure it's worth ending the friendship over but then again even if you have needed him you don't know what his situation is either. People in relationships have struggled with being stuck in the house and not being able to do normal things too.

sonjadog · 31/05/2021 11:26

I think with most of my oldest and closest friends it can easily go months between when we speak. Some of them I probably speak to twice a year. To me it is a sign if how safe and comfortable we are in the friendship that we don't have to be in continual contact. Over long periods of time friends drift together for a while, apart for a while and then back together again. I think that is the natural flow.

A few months is nothing. This year has been hard on everyone's mental health. Maybe he is also struggling and finds making contact difficult at the moment? Maybe he has other stuff going on in his life that has his full attention? Maybe he feels you should have reached the stage after 15 years that you can go periods without contacting each other? I don't think he has done anything wrong here. I think your expectations of long term friendships might need to be adjusted.

QueenofDestruction · 31/05/2021 11:34

I have at times avoided needy friends when I am struggling and don't have enough to give. You keep on saying how hard this year has been for you and your expectations of others, it has been hard on everyone and we all deal with it differently. But our feelings and how we manage it are not anyone else' s responsibility. It might be healthier if you just let the friendship go.