No contact from friend in 4 months. End of friendship?

[Maria53]

Thinking about when the friend re-emerges - if he ever does.

I've been friends with a man for 15 years, im in my late 20s so from teenage years. Always platonic & I have long considered him to be one of my best friends.

Since first lockdown, we have spoken twice. I now haven't heard from him in 4 months - can see he is active on social media so not dead in a ditch. I feel hurt and I miss my friend.

This happened a couple of times before about 7 years ago. He became very flaky, cancelling meet ups multiple times. At the time, I said I thought the friendship had run its course due to its one sidedness & he begged me to reconsider, said he would make it up to me etc. For the next 5 years or so, he was a much better friend. Supported me through illness, we went on holiday with mutual friends and partners.

He knows I live alone and I find it upsetting that he can't be bothered replying during this year in particular. I'm now wondering how to respond if he does come back to me. Should I just let this friendship go?

@sonjadog

I think with most of my oldest and closest friends it can easily go months between when we speak. Some of them I probably speak to twice a year. To me it is a sign if how safe and comfortable we are in the friendship that we don't have to be in continual contact. Over long periods of time friends drift together for a while, apart for a while and then back together again. I think that is the natural flow.

A few months is nothing. This year has been hard on everyone's mental health. Maybe he is also struggling and finds making contact difficult at the moment? Maybe he has other stuff going on in his life that has his full attention? Maybe he feels you should have reached the stage after 15 years that you can go periods without contacting each other? I don't think he has done anything wrong here. I think your expectations of long term friendships might need to be adjusted.

I don't know the answer to these questions but they are worth considering. Something may or may not be going on with him.

And to another PP, I fully understand this year has been difficult for everyone. I don't think partnered people realise just how bad it has been for single or people who are isolated. I think friends should reach out to their friends in this situation every so often - I do it and think others should. I have a few friends I have consistently done this for and vice versa.

The suggestion that I'm 'needy' - I don't think my friends would describe me this way as I don't put demands on their time and friends frequently contact me to meet up. But I have to wonder what friends are for. Are us single people just meant to be the low maintenance friend who doesn't rock the boat too much, who doesn't speak up at all when they are struggling? Because imo that is not real friendship.

In my friend's case, he has regretted losing friendships in the past due to not keeping in touch. He tends to turn away from talking about problems whereas I feel a greater level of closeness with those friends who talk to me and offer the chance for me to do the same. I hope he is ok but as PPs have said I will need to reframe this friendship entirely.

From your posts, TBH, you do sound a bit needy, and I wonder if you're not completely over your breakup yet. I don't mean that as a dig - when my longest relationship ended, even though it had gone to shit at that point, it took me years to fully get over it. It's only been, what, a year or so for you? If you're still feeling overly sensitive about your single status, that's normal, but it's also not your friend's fault.

FWIW, I'm also single and isolated and have also had a shit year. A really shit year. But I recognise that I'm often too exhausted to speak to people and engage with their problems, because this year has beaten me with a stick. Anyone who hasn't met my 'friendship expectations' over the last year has been given a free pass by me, because I'm sure I've let down other friends in similar ways. The pandemic has been tough, and time hasn't felt linear and consistent.

Stop forcing contact with a friend who for whatever reason doesn't have the headspace to engage with what you're after right now. Try another friend.

Don't write anyone off at this point - we're all dealing with a lot. It's normal to step away from certain friendships temporarily and then later get more involved again. That's why it's important to foster lots of friendships rather than relying on just one.

I know you're hurt but the world doesn't revoke around you. Your entire post is quite me, me, me and I don't mean that unkindly but you are talking about what you have been doing, how you feel, how the experience has affected you with no thoughts to how he may be feeling or if he is struggling. Some people cannot reply to messages when they are really suffering mentally and as you've said you have suffered throughout the pandemic, it isn't hard to think he may have too.

If I was in a friendship similar, I too would step back as he has.

@ode2me

I know you're hurt but the world doesn't revoke around you. Your entire post is quite me, me, me and I don't mean that unkindly but you are talking about what you have been doing, how you feel, how the experience has affected you with no thoughts to how he may be feeling or if he is struggling. Some people cannot reply to messages when they are really suffering mentally and as you've said you have suffered throughout the pandemic, it isn't hard to think he may have too.

If I was in a friendship similar, I too would step back as he has.

Also this isn't the time for a needy friend to be texting or messaging. He will have enough to cope with. If you care about him as much as you claim to respect his need for space.

@ode2me I think posters should think twice before labelling someone needy. It is actually very unkind and uncalled for.

We had a normal conversation the last time we spoke. I have not spoken to him about my mental struggles or asked for more of his time.

I am not feeling sensitive about my 'single status' apart from the fact single people were largely forgotten about during this pandemic. There have been plenty of articles and conversations around that.

@mariemare what I do agree with is that if anyone should be given a free pass with rubbish communication maybe it is this year. But at the same time I've seen people living alone struggle and even commit suicide. No wonder people are afraid to reach out to their friends - because doing so makes them 'needy'.

I'm sorry that you've found the last year tough OP. I'm single and have actually found lockdown easier knowing that everyone has had to buckle down and not go out. Not just me 'billy no mates' on a regular Saturday Might sound crazy to you but that's how I feel. The point is, we're all different. I find your posts needy and have never in my life had a conversation with a friend about how often they do/ don't want me around. The conversations you talk about with this male friend sound more like the conversations I'd expect to take place if you were in a relationship not just friends.

Maybe he finds you too intense? Maybe the friendship has run its course - you shouldn't have to chase someone to be friends with you. Maybe you need to stop overthinking it? Maybe you could come to the conclusion that he's not a great friend and you'd rather have people in your life that add to it rather than take away?

Personally I wouldn't waste any more time on his behaviour or why he does what he does. It's not making you happy so just draw a line under it and move on. If he gets in touch fine. If he doesn't that's fine too. Maybe he be doesn't want to get in touch as he knows you'll want an explanation and he can't face it?

There's so many variables. Just surround yourself with like minded people and keep yourself happy.

I have noticed that the pandemic has turned me into quite an antisocial person who doesn’t really enjoy talking to others at the moment. I blame all the staying at home for making me this way. Perhaps your friend is the same.

@just

Woops sorry.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn I can see why people might think I'm 'intense' from this thread. But I have not been intense in the friendship. The last conversation we had was pretty normal.

I won't ask for an explanation if and when he gets in touch. He is an adult, I'm an adult.

I am struggling with my mental health at the moment. I haven't talked to any friends or family about how I am feeling - so responses to this thread telling me I am needy is quite upsetting. I'm going to take time to work on my mental health and try to forget about this. Thanks for the replies.

I hear you Op. You need to try and relegate him, at least in your own head, to being a friendly acquaintance. He's clearly not up to the type of friendship you want from him. I've had this issue with a male friend too. I relegated him (not ghosted) and he then stopped me one day in the street outside my house and had a huge go at me for not talking to him anymore. Said he missed our chats etc. It was quite confusing for a while because I genuinely thought I must have made a mistake and he did want to be my friend. Then I realised over the last couple of years that actually, it was always on his terms. We never met up socially and I am a good listener and probably pumped up his ego a bit. I got very little out of it. It's never been the same, I wave and say hello but that's about it.

I'm sorry that you're struggling. And I'm sure no one - me included - wants to make things worse for you.

Please don't let this friend give you any more upset. Concentrate on yourself - don't worry about what support he has/hasn't given you over the last year. He's really not worth all this angst for you.

Keep talking OP if you need to. We're listening and want to help, not make it worse.

It's not about reaching out though, is it? It's about repeatedly reaching out to the same one person who has made clear that he cannot engage. He hasn't explained why, and I understand that makes it harder to accept. However, you said you had other friends, and I imagine he knows that too - you're not completely isolated. Give your mate some space and focus on other people for now.

I think it's really unfair to imply that people like your friend who won't give you the amount of attention you think you are owed are to blame for people competing suicide. Someone who completes suicide does so for their own reasons, and it's unfair to shift that responsibility on the people around them, who probably feel awful enough as it is.

Again, I'm sorry you're struggling, and I appreciate it must be difficult to hear that your account of things makes you sound needy. But you know what? None of us are living our best lives right now. There's something a little bit off about all of us, so you're in good company with that. At least by understanding what's off-kilter with you right now you can address it. Many of us are walking around lashing out without understanding what about our behaviour is whack. Self-awareness is a gift. Uncomfortable as hell, but a gift nonetheless.

I hope you manage to reframe things in your head and to spend more time getting comfortable with who you are are as a person. It's really hard to find your own identity again after surviving a breakup - I'm not sure how I would have fared with a pandemic thrown on top of that, to be perfectly honest. You've had a really difficult year, and if the worst people can say about you is that you're coming across slightly needy, you've done well.

Has he perhaps got a girlfriend who isn't keen on him having female friends?

I know how much it hurts, been there before myself.

I’ve been single most of my adult life and I wonder if you’re looking at couples a little unrealistically now. Relationships can be hard work at the best of times and can consume a lot of our energy and in the last year where there hasn’t been much energy maybe his relationship took all the energy he’s got.

It hasn’t automatically been easier for couples than single people. I should imagine it’s put huge strain on some relationships. In some ways it’s easier to not be living with a partner throughout this crazy year.

It’s also true that people in relationships are often not looking for the same degree of intensity or caretaking from friendships that perhaps you are. I’m single but I’ve neglected some friends because I haven’t felt like chatting on the phone or endless messages. It’s been knackering at points in the last year and just coping with work and my son and parents has taken all the energy I’ve had.

Not everyone sees things in the same way and I used to have very firm ideas when I was younger about what people should do, how friends should act etc but it was really because that’s what I thought I would do and who says what I would do is best and is what I think I would do a good basis upon which to judge people?

I’ve found people a lot easier since accepting people have different standards and ideas and respecting that. Also just having compassion for the fact people are mostly doing their best and liberally giving the benefit of the doubt

Hi everyone and to @TheHoneyBadger whose advice was great and I reflected on over the past week. I am still young and don't have fixed ideas about what friendship should look like. I'll try to be more open minded about it. I was just reacting out of the thought of losing an important friendship.

My friend has now been in touch, apologising for going quiet. He suffered a bereavement due to covid, found it difficult to cope and had to get help.

It was nothing to do with me at all. So yes - there is a lesson in there for me.

Every day is a school day I find.

Hope both he and you are ok.

I'm pleased he's been in touch and that his withdrawal has been explained. You are not at all needy but sound like a caring and empathetic friend to me! It may be that he withdrew from a lot of connections and leant totally on his partner for support during the bereavement? Anyway, you know he's OK and hopefully you'll be able to meet up soon - friendships do evolve and it may be that this one will take more of a back seat from now on which is a bit sad but it is what it is.

I did wonder if perhaps he was also struggling and in need of support. It seems that was the case.