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Original poster

Who should make first contact?

27 replies

hellolilly · 28/05/2021 15:07

I'm in need of advice. I made the very hard decision to not be a part of my daughters life since she was 4 (she's15 now). I have remained in the background though she doesn't know it. She has had a lovely childhood and most importantly a stable one with parents who adore her, something she wouldn't have had if I'd been involved. I have grown up, sorted myself out and am now settled, married with more children. The eldest has found her on social media and wants to make contact, something I have absolutely forbidden because I don't want to turn her world upside down again. I've always felt that if she wanted contact she would contact me, that even though I would do anything to be a part of her life, I have absolutely no right to make the first move. Anyway I was reading a post on another forum about a woman who was wondering if she should contact her absent father (I'm a mother) and it was unanimous that the absent parent should make first contact and now I don't know what to do for the best. Should i wait for her or make contact?

OP posts:
TeenMinusTests · 28/05/2021 15:24

Could you write to the parent/adults bringing her up, and say you would like to have more contact, but don't want to disrupt anything, and what do they think.

If she is 15 she will be in y10 or 11 if in England. If y11 she will just be finishing GCSEs so not a bad time to make contact. If y10 I would suggest it should be this summer or wait a year.

Ultimately she is not an adult, and I feel you should go through the people bringing her up.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 28/05/2021 15:29

I'm with @TeenMinusTests I think contact the parents and let them know your eldest has found her on social media and would like to get to know her.

I think reaching out that way means that they can approach it with her and I think it's less likely to cause any drama as such?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2021 15:30

How old is your eldest?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MindTheBumps · 28/05/2021 15:33

How have you been in the back ground, are you in touch with her parents? Are they relatives?

I think approaching them is the best thing to do.

Does she know about you?

What is the age gap between the two eldest?

PegPeople · 28/05/2021 15:33

@AnneLovesGilbert

How old is your eldest?
This is what I was wondering. They don't sound like they are old enough to be searching on social media.

I would leave her be personally. I'm sure she knows her history and it should be upto her if she wants to make contact.

ragged · 28/05/2021 15:44

OP : has old is your eldest that you live with now?

Original poster
hellolilly · 28/05/2021 17:37

My eldest is 13. The two have met, she says she remembers her sister but she was so young I think perhaps it's us talking about her over the years that she remembers. If I do make contact it won't be until she is older and its between just the two of us. The relationship between her parents and I is utterly toxic.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 28/05/2021 17:43

Does she know who you are?

covetingthepreciousthings · 28/05/2021 17:51

In what capacity have you been 'in the background'? I'm presuming she is with family member

Original poster
hellolilly · 28/05/2021 17:52

She was 4 nearly 5 the last time I saw her so yes she knows me and she knows mine and my husbands names so she can find us if she wants. It was always my plan to leave it up to her but I kind of just need a outsiders opinion that that is the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
hellolilly · 28/05/2021 17:55

She's with her father and step mum whose been there since she was a baby. I get sent pictures twice a year but nothing else.

OP posts:
SuperMonkeys · 28/05/2021 18:00

So your other child was 2 when the first was given away?

ConfusedAdultFemale · 28/05/2021 18:04

Tbh it really depends on what circumstances you left her life in, but still kept your other children. It also depends on what you mean by your relationship with her parents are toxic, are they adoptive parents?

Bimblybomeyelash · 28/05/2021 18:21

I don’t think we enough enough of the details OP. From an outsiders point of view it looks pretty shit that you have had nothing to do with her for 11 years, despite being in a stable enough position to raise 3 other children. It’s hard to understand why you have not attempted a relationship with her in this time, and why you have denied her the opportunity of a relationship with her (half) siblings. I can’t see why you would leave it up to her to initiate contact when she is only a child. You left her, and she doesn’t know that you’ve been ‘in the background’ , so as far as she knows , you don’t care and you don’t want contact.

Original poster
hellolilly · 28/05/2021 18:25

She wasn't given she was taken. The decisions I made then would absolutely not be the decisions I would make now but I totally get why you are judging me.

OP posts:
PegPeople · 28/05/2021 18:36

@hellolilly

She's with her father and step mum whose been there since she was a baby. I get sent pictures twice a year but nothing else.
Does she know you get these pictures? If she hasn't had contact with you at all since she was 4 then I really hope she has some say in whst is sent your way.

If she does know then surely she also knows that if she wants to contact you at any point she can so if she wanted contact surely she would have established it by now??

Original poster
hellolilly · 28/05/2021 19:00

I doubt she knows about the pictures and I told her that if she wanted to see me when she's older she can. I was allowed to give her a box with photos ect and it had my phone number that hasn't changed but I have no idea if she was allowed to keep it. Her step mum adopted her so I have no perental rights.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 28/05/2021 19:08

You need to think about what would happen if your 13 year old contacts her.

Miseryl · 28/05/2021 19:19

Leave her be at age 15. If she was over 18 or significantly younger it would be different but she is at such a delicate age. You are an absent parent, however you dress it up. You either couldn't parent her or chose not to, whichever it was, there is no honour or pride in that status.
I speak as the mother of a 15 year old DS with a useless father, as you are a useless mother. In the end, it doesn't matter to them why you haven't been around, the fact remains that you haven't. Wait until she is a woman and fully through puberty. Tell your eldest to wait as well.

Miseryl · 28/05/2021 19:22

Also tell your other child to back off. It's not about her. She is old enough to understand.

PegPeople · 28/05/2021 19:25

@nimbuscloud

You need to think about what would happen if your 13 year old contacts her.
This is a great point. It sounds like your 13 year old knows a lot about her big sister as you've spoken about her so much. However there is a very real possibility that this 15 year old doesn't remember you or her sibling at all.

You need to be aware of the very real possibility that should she get in contact it's likely this will not be a positive experience for your 13 year old and that could have a very detrimental impact upon her, especially if she has built up this idealised opinion of her big sister.

andivfmakes3 · 28/05/2021 19:31

Her step mum adopted her so I have no perental rights.

So you agreed to this - it's just you said she was "taken"? Does your younger child have the same father? Presumably this wasnt done via social services otherwise you'd most likely have had your other child removed too depending on the circumstances?

Castlepeak · 28/05/2021 19:32

You need to speak to her father first. He is the one who has been raising her and he is the one who can tell you if this is a good time to have contact.

GrettaGreen · 28/05/2021 19:41

Even without knowing many details, it's a fair assumption that young girl probably has to carry the trauma of what she went through - her mother either not wanting her or not wanting her enough to right the situation. You need to leave her be OP and tell your other daughter the same. This is not the life stage where she's equipped to deal with this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2021 20:06

You shouldn’t contact her. Your daughter shouldn’t contact her.

She’s only known one family and one mum and dad in 11 years, she doesn’t need reminding right now that you gave her up yet have had the ability to bring up 3 other children.