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Original poster

I don't know what to say to him.

32 replies

thisisbull · 28/05/2021 11:31

One of our neighbours died yesterday she was so so lovely. They have a very young child and her husband is now obviously a mess. I'm very much a practical person but I just don't know what to say to him. Do I go round with some food or ask if he needs anything? She was so young it's just so shitty

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 11:33

I'd put a card through the post slot for now.

Original poster
thisisbull · 28/05/2021 11:34

That's a good idea thank you x it doesn't help that the village shop announced it on Facebook before the family had chance

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 28/05/2021 11:35

Offer specifics - a meal, to cut the grass for them, do some shopping - the things that are everyday but can seem like a mountain alongside everything else.

HollowTalk · 28/05/2021 11:35

That's so sad. Could you offer to have his child for an hour or so if he needs to get things organised? Something for dinner would help, but do you know if he has family who'll be coming round?

MrsAudreyAlfredRobertsOBEHmm · 28/05/2021 11:35

Oh God, that's so sad. I would put a card through the door regardless of how well you know them
Perhaps in a few day, knock and just leave some food on the doorstep.
I don't know, it's so hard

HollowTalk · 28/05/2021 11:36

@thisisbull

That's a good idea thank you x it doesn't help that the village shop announced it on Facebook before the family had chance
That's appalling.
Aprilwasverywet · 28/05/2021 11:36

Practical help. Could you have the dc for a few hours? Maybe calls and visits the df may need to make alone...

MrsAudreyAlfredRobertsOBEHmm · 28/05/2021 11:37

@thisisbull

That's a good idea thank you x it doesn't help that the village shop announced it on Facebook before the family had chance
They did what???? Where they asked to do that?
ZombiePara · 28/05/2021 11:37

Do some meals he just needs to heat up, with a card offering to have the kids if needed. Offer whatever help you can, but dont expect it to be taken up...

All you can do is offer condolences and ensure that if he needs help he knows you're happy to help..

Fucking awful of the post office as well

ZombiePara · 28/05/2021 11:38

*village shop sorry

Original poster
thisisbull · 28/05/2021 11:38

These are great ideas thank you! I'm very much a practical person instead of just waiting to see what to do usually just roll the sleeves up and get helping but it's hard to know where to start sometimes. I think I'll offer to have the dc for a bit and put a note through the door with our numbers on it so he can ask for help when he needs it

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 11:57

@thisisbull

These are great ideas thank you! I'm very much a practical person instead of just waiting to see what to do usually just roll the sleeves up and get helping but it's hard to know where to start sometimes. I think I'll offer to have the dc for a bit and put a note through the door with our numbers on it so he can ask for help when he needs it
I've suffered a massive bereavement. People always say here's my number ask for help but the reality is when you're in that setting, you're paralysed and often can't or just don't want to.

Practically I'd put vouchers through the door to the nearest supermarket or takeaway.

I wouldn't leave meals, either. You never know what their diet is like or any allergies.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 11:58

The other thing that happens is that right after the person dies there's a flurry of activity and helps and then a couple of months later, there's no one.

AmberIsACertainty · 28/05/2021 12:09

When I had a bereavement the worst thing was the people who didn't know what to say, so said nothing. My advice is treat him like a normal person like you would if someone hadn't died. Say hi and talk about everyday things. If he gets upset at something you said don't worry about it. You don't have to make it your mission to avoid upsetting him eg by never mentioning her again etc. People acting like me being upset was the worst thing ever just put pressure on me and made me feel like I had to hide it better. I didn't want a shoulder to cry on and I didn't want to talk about it all the time, but I didn't want it to be a big deal if something upset me and have to make a supreme effort to hide it either. If he wants to talk just listen, it doesn't matter if you don't know what to say. A few kind words and someone not essentially running away the second you get a sniffle makes all the difference.

How to help if you don't know him that well is tricky. Make it low key maybe. Like invite some of the neighbors round for a BBQ and include him. Invite his kids if you're taking yours to the park. Offer to drop his kids to school if his car breaks down. That sort of thing. I'm not sure anyone takes up the "let me know if I can do anything" offers from anyone other than their close friends or family. Though I suppose if you say it they at least know you care.

It's difficult if you don't know someone very well because you don't want to end up their new BFF out of kindness over the bereavement, then realise they're not very nice and you don't really like them. Maybe ask about his family (and her family?) if you want to help, so you can gauge what help he already has and have a better idea what to offer.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 12:11

How to help if you don't know him that well is tricky. Make it low key maybe. Like invite some of the neighbors round for a BBQ and include him. Invite his kids if you're taking yours to the park. Offer to drop his kids to school if his car breaks down. That sort of thing. I'm not sure anyone takes up the "let me know if I can do anything" offers from anyone other than their close friends or family. Though I suppose if you say it they at least know you care.

This is excellent advice.

Original poster
thisisbull · 28/05/2021 12:58

@AmberIsACertainty that's so helpful thank you. I am close to the family a d we do talk a lot it's just I was closer to his wife if that makes sense.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 28/05/2021 13:05

Talk to him, ask him.how he is, say you are sorry for his load. Don't avoid speaking with because you don't have the right words. There are no right words. Cut his lawn, put his bins out or back in. Ask him round for a drink or ask him and his kids round for tea.

joystir59 · 28/05/2021 13:05

Loss not load

FuckyouCovid21 · 28/05/2021 13:22

Personally I'd leave him be for now, maybe just stick a card through the door offering some of the above but I wouldn't knock just yet. Or leave some food you've cooked on his doorstep with a note through the door etc. He probably won't be up for face to face contact just yet.

Lovely that you're thinking of him

Original poster
thisisbull · 28/05/2021 23:39

I asked what I could do and he gave me his child and went to the pub so there's that. He asked me get grandma to pick dc up but she couldn't make it til the morning so they're with us and asleep

Neighbour seems overwhelmed but dc is safe tonight

OP posts:
Nandakanda · 28/05/2021 23:48

That’s brilliant. Well done.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2021 00:29

I'm trying to imagine a bereaved woman acting in that way.

katy1213 · 29/05/2021 00:41

@hollowtalk You've got to hand it to men! There's nothing like out-sourcing!

Original poster
thisisbull · 29/05/2021 00:56

@HollowTalk completely agree!!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/05/2021 01:20

I think that every time you offer to have the children, he will take you up on it, so be very very very careful about that.