Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Do I tell her that I think she's a shitty friend or just leave it.

41 replies

Frazzled2207 · 27/05/2021 20:45

Definitely a first world problem so apols in advance for this.
When I was on mat leave 7 years ago I made quite close friends with some local mums and our kids spent a lot of time together. We all moved house since (originally all lived within walking distance) but still live within a few miles of each other. Seen less of each other since kids went to school etc but still met up as a minimum each hols and occasional weekends. Since the pandemic one of them, let's call her Jenny, has been really cagey about meeting up - I think initially she was generally anxious about seeing other people - but we did meet up a few times last summer and that was all great. The other three of us (Jenny always invited but never came) have met up in a kids playground or similar every school hols since (yes bending the rules slightly - pls don't judge) and arranged a while ago that we'd meet up for a proper day out on a certain day next week. We were really keen to get Jenny involved this time and she actually picked the date. She had suggested she would come for our easter meet up but had some excuse or other.

Lots of chat on whatsapp this week regarding when to meet - going to an 'attraction' with the children with paid entry. Jenny has been very quiet on whatsapp. Was genuinley looking forward to seeing her. She whatsapped tooday to say soooo sorry she's double booked and arranged to see her mum and can't see us after all. Also made a point of saying that she's REALLY BUSY every other day in the holidays so sorry hopefully see us next time??? The thing is this is about the fourth time she's 'double booked' - I just can't believe that anybody could do it that often with the same people. Before you ask, her mum lives very close and it definitely is not a case of not having seen her in ages. She was in her garden on facebook yesterday! Her mum is also retired and I know not a particularly busy type of retired so even if she had "double booked" I just can't see how she couldn't move her mum given how complicated it was arranging a day that the four of us could meet. And I'm struggling to see how double booking is even a thing tbh.

Anyway......It's quite clear to me that for whatever reason she just doesn't want to see us anymore. It might be coincidental but until last summer she worked for the same employer as one of the others (not in the same office) and no longer does, so it's a bit easier to 'extract' herself now I guess.

Anyway I'm a bit upset about it really, she was once a good friend. We will no doubt bump into each other in Sainsburys at some point and it will be awkward. My son keeps asking about her son and why can't we meet and I'm not really sure what to say. I do know there are some complicated issues in her family and it might be related to something there but she's told us all these issues in great detail before so if it was something to do with that I'd expect her to admit it.

This is all really longwinded. What I wanted to ask was, do I say something on whatsapp eg 'it's really clear you don't want to be friends with us anymore so please just admit it but it's a bit shitty of you to have double booked once again when you suggested this date yourself, so shall I delete you from the whatsapp group?''. I really feel like saying something like that but I may come across as a bitter cow. Or I could call her and ask her what's up (I haven't called her for ages so this would feel weird). Or just leave it and do nothing and move on.

OP posts:

nancy75 · 27/05/2021 20:48

Call her, there might be something going on she doesn’t want to share on a WhatsApp group. If you call & she’s still weird at least you have tried your best

Rainbowqueeen · 27/05/2021 20:48

It sounds to me like there is something going on.
If you feel like you can approach her out of care and concern I would ring her and say is everything ok. I’m worried about you

If not I’d leave it. A message like that in the app could backfire badly on you

AGirlsGotToDo · 27/05/2021 20:51

I wouldn't say that personally. Just send her a private message away from the group. Ask her if everything is okay. We haven't seen you in a while and have noticed that you are cancelling a lot. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Type thing.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

ticktockriojaoclock · 27/05/2021 20:52

I vote just leave it. She's telling you with her actions that she's happy not to be part of the group, and you'll gain nothing from calling her out except making yourself more cross by making it into a drama.

Original poster

Frazzled2207 · 27/05/2021 20:54

@ticktockriojaoclock

ha I think you're right there. And if I say something stroppy I am fairly sure I will instantly regret it.

OP posts:

Vodkaandballoon · 27/05/2021 20:59

You say you thought of her as a good friend but yet you haven't called her in ages & you're willing to humiliate her in a group chat?. She could have any number of things going on, maybe she can't afford to meet at the paid attraction, maybe she's struggling to get back to normal after all the lockdowns. If you genuinely care about her either call her message her privately to say you're sorry she can't come, you hope everything is OK & you hope to see her soon.

frazzledasarock · 27/05/2021 21:00

Is there any benefit in you messaging her and falling out?

I’d reply something like, see such a shame, DS has been really looking forward to seeing your DS. You could invite mum along? If not really hope to see you soon, miss you.

Or don’t say anything.

The lockdowns have had a funny effect on people. She may just be very anxious or maybe she just doesn’t want to keep in touch any longer, or maybe she’s off about something.

She’ll either eventually tell you or the friendship will fade away.

Not much you can do without it becoming a huge drama. And to be honest in your shoes I’d avoid the drama (it never ends well).

QuitNow · 27/05/2021 21:00

I'd quit and walk away. Tell your son the truth and don't hold the truth off any longer. Maybe she has an illness like the big C. Up to you. If no illness then walk and explain the truth to your son

ThuggeryAffair · 27/05/2021 21:01

It seems pretty clear to me that she's still anxious about meeting in busy places, but doesn't feel able to say so.

NeverMetANiceOne · 27/05/2021 21:01

Honestly I could be your friend - different set up but similar feelings.

I'm trying to quietly remove myself from a friendship group formed around having children. I've realised the other women in the group are not really friends and the relationships do not bring anything positive to my life and cause me distress due to the competition, comparing and judgement.

Your group may all be lovely and I'm miles off mark, but could it be that your friend has reassessed the value of the friendships?

Original poster

Frazzled2207 · 27/05/2021 21:03

@ThuggeryAffair

It seems pretty clear to me that she's still anxious about meeting in busy places, but doesn't feel able to say so.

There might be some truth in that but she is a secondary school teacher so presumably she's had to get over it.

OP posts:

Verysleepymummyy · 27/05/2021 21:04

I would message her privately and say how you’ve noticed she has cancelled the last few get together and that you hope she is ok and your here if she wants to talk.
There could be lots of reasons why she has pulled back. I suffer with depression and anxiety and at times that does make me become what others would think of as a flaky friend. I make plans then cancel them as I’m just not up to it. But I have spoken to my friends and they know the score.
I definitely would not imply to her that you know she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. She may just have a hard time reaching out. It may take a handful of “here if you want to talk” types of messages. Maybe you could try a one on one meet up in her garden?

Original poster

Frazzled2207 · 27/05/2021 21:06

@NeverMetANiceOne

Honestly I could be your friend - different set up but similar feelings. I'm trying to quietly remove myself from a friendship group formed around having children. I've realised the other women in the group are not really friends and the relationships do not bring anything positive to my life and cause me distress due to the competition, comparing and judgement.

Your group may all be lovely and I'm miles off mark, but could it be that your friend has reassessed the value of the friendships?

thanks for your honesty there. Perhaps...I would like to think that there was some genuine friendship between me and her though I agree generally that 'mum friendships' can be quite superficial. I do think it's very possible that she finds one of the others very hard work though (as do I to some extent).

OP posts:

midsomermurderess · 27/05/2021 21:09

No, don't send that message. Keep your dignity.

Original poster

Frazzled2207 · 27/05/2021 21:10

@Verysleepymummyy

I would message her privately and say how you’ve noticed she has cancelled the last few get together and that you hope she is ok and your here if she wants to talk. There could be lots of reasons why she has pulled back. I suffer with depression and anxiety and at times that does make me become what others would think of as a flaky friend. I make plans then cancel them as I’m just not up to it. But I have spoken to my friends and they know the score. I definitely would not imply to her that you know she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. She may just have a hard time reaching out. It may take a handful of “here if you want to talk” types of messages. Maybe you could try a one on one meet up in her garden?

thanks for this. I don't really want to put her on the spot so as you and another poster suggested maybe the best way forward is to send her a private 'hope you're ok' type whatsapp and not necessarily expect a response.

I have other friends who suffer depression but are quite open about it which makes it easier (for friends anyway). Just because she hasn't said that something's up doesn't mean that there isn't anything up.

OP posts:

thisplaceisweird · 27/05/2021 21:13

She's a secondary school teacher you say? Possibly she's so exhausted not just with her day to day, but with the near impossible year she's just been through, that meeting up with 'mum friends' is just too much.
Why don't you step up and be the kind of friend you want - give her a call, say you really miss her, is anything wrong? If she's still odd, then call it a day.

But please no drama. You're a grown woman, don't send PA texts in a group

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2021 21:14

Please don’t send that message, it’s horrible and bitchy. There’s too high a risk there is something signifantly wrong in her life and that’s what’s stopping her. Or she has major anxiety, even if she is a teacher.

But even if she is just quietly extricating herself, she’s being polite about it. There is no need at all to attack and humiliate her.

pinkmagnolias · 27/05/2021 21:16

She’s trying to remove herself from the group and the more you try to push her into meeting, the more relieved she will be with her decision.

As for sending a message asking her to confirm she does not want to be friends - really? What on earth would that achieve. You sound so immature and pushy. I can see why she wants to remove herself. I would do the same.

Flowerclock · 27/05/2021 21:16

All sending a message will do is ruin the friendship with you all. At least if you leave it, but leave it open, there is always the opportunity to resume the relationship in the future.

It could be she has turned into a tin foil hat wearing recluse since covid. Her mum might be ill. She might not like you all very much. He kids might hate your kids. She might hate your kids. Whatever her reasons, she's telling you she doesn't want to meet up, so respect it and leave it as that I'd say.

NeverMetANiceOne · 27/05/2021 21:18

On reflection, if one of the mums in the group I'm removing myself from sent me a nice message to say hi, one on one, I might be tempted to continue our individual friendship... so maybe it is worth a nice message just checking in.

PearPickingPorky · 27/05/2021 21:18

I would message her privately and say "hey, is everything okay with you? You've been cancelling a lot recently and I can tell you don't really want to meet up. Is it the group or is there anything else going on? Hope you're OK"

Or something that effect. And then (maybe depending on what she says in reply) I would set up a new WhatsApp group for the 3 of you, without this friend, so you can discuss your own meetups without an uninvolved audience.

Original poster

Frazzled2207 · 27/05/2021 21:20

@pinkmagnolias

She’s trying to remove herself from the group and the more you try to push her into meeting, the more relieved she will be with her decision.

I agree that message would not achieve anything - I don't think I had any serious intention of sending something worded quite like that I just feel quite disappointed and part of me wants to make a point.

But I know it wouldn't end well.

On a more practical level however it would be much easier going forward (sorry excuse the phrase) just to know that she's not interested and for the other three of us to carry on. I'm not sure why we should waste our energy trying to include her when she suggests she will turn up but actually has no intention to.

As others have said however, we don't know what's really going on

OP posts:

bigbaggyeyes · 27/05/2021 21:20

I might drop her a text or ring and just check everything is ok. Lockdown has affected people in lots of different ways, she might be struggling and anxious.

If she still insists on making excuses just let the friendship drift

partyatthepalace · 27/05/2021 21:23

Or you could act like an adult and not like a bitchy 13 year old and ask her privately if everything is ok. And whether she says it is or it isn’t, you could be nature enough to realise that perhaps she is behaving oddly because there is something up she can’t/won’t share and leave her be.

Give it a go. Adulting can be fun!

KindChick · 27/05/2021 21:25

Everyone is different, I know in the past I used to so look forward to meeting friends and got organised and then much nearer the time I would become anxious, over think it and then spend ages coming up with a suitable reason as I just couldn’t face it. I was fine if it was just me and one friend but not a small group. It could be something similar, we never ever know what’s going on in people’s lives so don’t judge as as you have commented just reach out directly or even suggest a catch up just the two of you for coffee and see if that works.x

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread