Do I tell her that I think she's a shitty friend or just leave it.

[Frazzled2207]

Definitely a first world problem so apols in advance for this.
When I was on mat leave 7 years ago I made quite close friends with some local mums and our kids spent a lot of time together. We all moved house since (originally all lived within walking distance) but still live within a few miles of each other. Seen less of each other since kids went to school etc but still met up as a minimum each hols and occasional weekends. Since the pandemic one of them, let's call her Jenny, has been really cagey about meeting up - I think initially she was generally anxious about seeing other people - but we did meet up a few times last summer and that was all great. The other three of us (Jenny always invited but never came) have met up in a kids playground or similar every school hols since (yes bending the rules slightly - pls don't judge) and arranged a while ago that we'd meet up for a proper day out on a certain day next week. We were really keen to get Jenny involved this time and she actually picked the date. She had suggested she would come for our easter meet up but had some excuse or other.

Lots of chat on whatsapp this week regarding when to meet - going to an 'attraction' with the children with paid entry. Jenny has been very quiet on whatsapp. Was genuinley looking forward to seeing her. She whatsapped tooday to say soooo sorry she's double booked and arranged to see her mum and can't see us after all. Also made a point of saying that she's REALLY BUSY every other day in the holidays so sorry hopefully see us next time??? The thing is this is about the fourth time she's 'double booked' - I just can't believe that anybody could do it that often with the same people. Before you ask, her mum lives very close and it definitely is not a case of not having seen her in ages. She was in her garden on facebook yesterday! Her mum is also retired and I know not a particularly busy type of retired so even if she had "double booked" I just can't see how she couldn't move her mum given how complicated it was arranging a day that the four of us could meet. And I'm struggling to see how double booking is even a thing tbh.

Anyway......It's quite clear to me that for whatever reason she just doesn't want to see us anymore. It might be coincidental but until last summer she worked for the same employer as one of the others (not in the same office) and no longer does, so it's a bit easier to 'extract' herself now I guess.

Anyway I'm a bit upset about it really, she was once a good friend. We will no doubt bump into each other in Sainsburys at some point and it will be awkward. My son keeps asking about her son and why can't we meet and I'm not really sure what to say. I do know there are some complicated issues in her family and it might be related to something there but she's told us all these issues in great detail before so if it was something to do with that I'd expect her to admit it.

This is all really longwinded. What I wanted to ask was, do I say something on whatsapp eg 'it's really clear you don't want to be friends with us anymore so please just admit it but it's a bit shitty of you to have double booked once again when you suggested this date yourself, so shall I delete you from the whatsapp group?''. I really feel like saying something like that but I may come across as a bitter cow. Or I could call her and ask her what's up (I haven't called her for ages so this would feel weird). Or just leave it and do nothing and move on.

@partyatthepalace

Or you could act like an adult and not like a bitchy 13 year old and ask her privately if everything is ok. And whether she says it is or it isn’t, you could be nature enough to realise that perhaps she is behaving oddly because there is something up she can’t/won’t share and leave her be.

Give it a go. Adulting can be fun!

Exactly.

I don’t understand why you’re go to is to attack and humiliate.

Maybe she is anxious. Maybe she is fed up with people who are like you "bending the rules" and putting her at risk because she has to teach their kids (this last year has certainly taught me a lot about some of my "friends" and their priorities!)

Ask if she's ok but fgs don't be a dick about it and create loads of drama in a WhatsApp group - you're not teenagers.

Tread with caution, it's been a shitty year for everyone. You have been comfortable bending the rules, she doesn't sound like she was. As a teacher she 'had to get over it', no she hasn't she's got through it as best she could
If she manages to meet you,, that's lovely but don't make her feel bad

People have all sorts of shit going on. Currently, my beloved grandad has incurable cancer and my mother is alarmingly ill and going in and out of hospital every few weeks. My best friend knows, but no one else; it's not their business and I'm not that sort of person. It does mean I prioritise seeing my family over other things though.

I'd not send that message. Think how shit you'd feel if there was an actual reason and you'd said that... Go with a more general 'is everything ok? I've noticed you seem to be avoiding meeting up. Here if you need a chat' message instead. She does sound like she's either got some shit going on, or she's trying to ditch your friendship group, but find out which before you kick off at her.

Have you tried to meet up with her one on one? Maybe there's something about the group dynamic (or one person in the group) that makes her uncomfortable.

I wouldn't tell her she's a shitty friend - either say it nicely ("I miss you and I feel like you're trying to avoid meeting up - if something's upset you I'd rather know so we can try to sort it out"), or leave it.

You say she was a good friend.. but you want to send her this?
t's really clear you don't want to be friends with us anymore so please just admit it but it's a bit shitty of you to have double booked once again when you suggested this date yourself, so shall I delete you from the whatsapp group
That's an awful message to send to anyone.
You don't know what's going on with Jenny. Its fair enough if she's worried about Covid.
Perhaps she depressed, worried about her parents, going through a bad patch and too down to meet up. Maybe your message about meeting up have had that edge which makes her worried about the reception she'd get.
It sounds more like you've taken offence but if you can come back from that and ask her if she's OK and would meeting up help or does she need a bit of space and reassure her that you'd still like to see her when she's ready, you might save the friendship.

You can't goad people into being friends with you.

On a more practical level however it would be much easier going forward (sorry excuse the phrase) just to know that she's not interested and for the other three of us to carry on. I'm not sure why we should waste our energy trying to include her when she suggests she will turn up but actually has no intention to

Or you could accept her decision of not wanting to meet up (by telling you she is permanently busy, she can’t say it more obviously other than sending the type of message you are thinking of sending yourself ).

If you really want to say something, send her a text saying - ‘Sorry you aren’t free. Give me a call whenever you are’ and accept the friendship is over and stop sending her messages asking to meet up and even telling her to bring her mum too!

I understand you are hurt by being dropped but you must respect her decision and by doing this, if your paths cross in the future, you will be able to approach each other and say hi.

There might be some truth in that but she is a secondary school teacher so presumably she's had to get over it.

Not necessarily. I have to deal with the public at work, I’ve learned to cope in certain familiar situations, I’m not up for going for a meal with friends, especially as x has a husband that works closely with others, Y sees her mum and sister & her BIL works with lots of people etc etc.

Empathy not your strong point, OP? Unless you're 12 years old.

Why's it on you to delete her from the WhatsApp group?

I'm hoping you really have reconsidered

The OP has now said she wouldn't send that message. There's no need for a pile on or snarky remarks.

thanks for all responses.

To clarify, I would never have sent a message quite like what I originally said, I was annoyed when I got the message initially but I know that wouldn't achieve anything. It is kind of what I wanted to say at the time, but that doesn't mean I would have actually texted that.

I may never know I suppose but it's a bit rubbish to lose a friend without any real explanation. Is a thing that probably happens to many of us at some point or another.

I think broadly ignoring it on the group whatsapp but sending her a separate, supportive and nice message separately is probably the best course of action. I suspect our friendship won't be rekindled but it seems sensible to give it one last shot than kill it off (and potentially the friendship with the other two at the same time).

just dont bother anymore-she picked the date herself then says shes double booked seeing her mum?

has she paid already for the day out-you would just say to you mum cant come tomorrow will be round sat instead or whatever surely

If the dynamics are you meet as 4, or not at all, and she doesn’t like one of you, then she might think it’s easier to step away from all of you.

You may have had a lot in common when you had babies, and she doesn’t have any interest in you now.

Be an adult, and get over it

Maybe she is finding the whole group "friendship thing". A bit overwhelming. I would. Lockdown has had an effect of many people and it could be that's he just can't face the prospect of how it was before covid and doesn't want to go back to that. She might prefer a one on one meet-up.

A similar situation happened to me a few years back. It seems the friendship has fizzled so just let her go.