To feel I have nothing else to give now....feel terribly guilty as a result?

[Livingtothefull]

This is my 3rd attempt at posting...am trying to put it into words.

I have been working from home since lockdown started last year....the first few months I had disabled DS at home whilst working which was hugely stressful. Fortunately he is at his special college now.

I think I am good at my job and usually the feedback I get is good. But I am really struggling right now. I am finding the workload really difficult to manage, worked 2 hours late trying (failing) to get on top of it.

Today I sat down to work and I couldn't do anything. Literally, just couldn't. I felt I couldn't cope with the emails and couldn't contemplate responding to them. I felt numb and nauseous at the thought of them, at the thought of how much there is to do - felt that 'there is no way of getting on top of the work so why even bother trying?' I left things hanging that I really should have dealt with.

I feel so guilty and such a fraud - taking my salary & not doing a proper job. My manager has no idea, she thinks I am doing a good job and coping well.

I can't talk to my DH about how I am feeling, he has a stressful job of his own and does if anything more than his share of caring for DS. (DS has profound physical and learning disabilities so we are never 'off duty' even when not working - no down time for us. We are worried about/trying to plan his future too).

Absolutely no way I can fail to cope as they both need me - I am not depressed I don't think just stressed out of my mind. I have a chronic health condition (epilepsy) and recently have been getting seizures in the night, have posted about them elsewhere.

I can't talk to my family as some of them are very vulnerable themselves. We have regular catchups during lockdown when we all tell each other that everything is fine and we are coping well.

So I don't know where to turn and how to make things better, the things I am facing seem so colossal. I have booked a session with a counsellor tomorrow so will see if that is helpful - but I don't think I need 'fixing' just the things around me and they can't be fixed.

Is there anything else I could do to improve things? I am so sorry to complain on here, I do want to be positive and stay well but I know how fragile mental health can be.

I understand your situation as I've been through similar and think that the only way you can alleviate stress is by talking to work.

I would honestly tell your manager you are struggling at the minute and need a bit of help. I had to do this in January when I was really struggling. I find it hard to ask for help, so I wrote an email explaining my situation and the difficulties at home. My manager was really good about the whole situation and work let me make some changes to my work schedule, which is the only reason I managed to get through the first few months of this year.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Honestly I think you've done really well to keep going so long.

I really think you should consider talking to your GP with a view to being signed off with stress for a period. That would give you some head space to recharge and hopefully you could have some respite whilst your son is at college?

I know it is hard to do, but I'm sure you would look compassionately on someone else doing the same in a similar situation x

I'm sorry op that sounds hard and I get where you are coming from. In the nicest possible way you will end up depressed if you can't alleviate some of the stress. I think your epilepsy seizures would be good to bring up with your employer. I suffer with migraine, stress etc. and I think the total blank/whiteout at the computer is all connected i.e. a continuum of stress. I really notice it i.e. I have some time off and feel great then a few days back and I am carrying this horrendous mental weight.

One of the things I've started to do is not try and push myself on-have a walk, have a break, have a longer lunch. I also am trying not to work in the evenings but have a quiet hour in the morning set aside for things that spilled over from yesterday.

Would time off benefit you?

Sorry to hear things are so tough for you at the moment. It would be a good idea to be honest with your manager.
It can be easy to procrastinate in front of the computer and not actually achieve anything.
Can you do a 'to do' list and break things into manageable chunks?
9-10 read and reply to emails. 10min break then 1 hour doing something else. Just small chunks of time focussing on only one thing. Crossing them off a list is proof to yourself that you are getting through things.
I hope it helps talking to the counsellor tomorrow.

I have 2 kids with complex needs and I am also on the go 24hours a day. Sleep is in short supply and this last year has been brutal. Being stuck at home for the most part of a year shielding with no respite or support has been exhausting. But I don't work as well so hats off to you for coping as well as you have.
Do you have any overnight respite at all ? A night or two of good sleep helps massively.
You sound burnt out to be honest. Can you get signed off work for a week or two and sleep in the day when your son is at college ? Or book a premier Inn for a couple of nights It is time to look after yourself now without any guilt. I think being able to switch off for a while helps so much .
I really hope you can get a break to relax and recharge. It doesn't help any but I really know how you feel and you are not alone x

Have you seen your GP about your seizures? Are you zoning out during the day?

Thank you all so much for your responses. I really appreciate you sharing your own stories....I know I am not alone. I completely get how hard it has been flapjackfairy caring for DC with special needs, without any respite available during lockdown. Having down time is a huge struggle...but need to find it somehow.

I think you are right that I need some time completely away. I do have DS half term coming up so will need to be here to care for him. I will try to explain to my manager but I find it hard to phrase the message, I don't want to sound over dramatic, I am really struggling at the moment to articulate anything. Even on this post I am struggling.

I know I need to organise my time better, but atm I can't, I feel as if everything is slipping away from me.

I am on medication for seizures Thelnebriati so have seen my GP in the past, but they seem to be getting worse again. I am scared to go to sleep often in case I have another one. It is the most horrible feeling...I wake up and can't remember what I did the day before, sometimes blood on my pillow if I have bitten myself during one.

Please see them asap, they might need to change your meds or increase the dose, and tell them how you feel about work. It might be linked to or made worse by the seizures. 💐

Covid and the lockdowns have had a huge impact on people. I was determined to be resilient and not complain etc but it has totally hit me the last few weeks. I am procrastinating about the massive amount of paperwork l am behind in and barely dragging myself around. And l have no responsibility as my children are grown and gone.
Your situation sounds so stressful. Can you get your GP to sign you off for a spell? Even your disturbed sleep will be adding to that tiredness and stress. If you go right down your ds will suffer too. So if you are slow to access help for yourself do it for him. Take that much needed break.

Thank you so much. I am off to sleep now but will think hard about what I need to do as I need to take care of my health. I think seeing my GP is a good idea as is talking to my manager....though how to phrase this without coming across as overly dramatic/self pitying.

This situation has affected us all I think, more than we even know. Other members of my team have been suffering so I am very conscious that I don't want to put pressure on others.

Well I haven't started work today and called in sick....had a panic attack overnight and felt that I just could not face opening one email let alone replying to one. It is bizarre, I just can't get my head together.

I feel so guilty now....I don't know why, my attendance record is actually good so why do I feel like this? I just feel that I need to keep going in order to stay motivated and by taking time out and being unable to cope I am admitting defeat. I need to stay on track from DS sake and by breaking down I am letting him down.

I will get a GP appointment but not sure what they can advise. Maybe some meds will help? I am not sure counselling would help as feel it is the things around me that need fixing, as much as me.

I spoke to my GP on Tuesday and he said he'd started to see a lot of people with burn out that needed signing off. He felt that now over a year into the pandemic people were reaching their limits. I've had to take next week off sick with stress, it's the first time ever but there's been such a lot on. Ironically it's been partly caused by covering for a colleague who went off sick before Christmas and wasn't properly replaced. I just wanted to send you a handhold.

That is interesting BigGreen that your GP said people are reaching burn out now, I have had a few people mention the same. I suppose everyone has their limits, we can keep going for a while through adverse circumstances but not indefinitely. I am sorry you haven't been well and do wish you all the best, hope you feel better soon.

You arent letting your DS down by ringing in sick to work. You are giving yourself a break from one stressful thing in your life (work) so that you can try to regain some strength so you will feel some bit better for the time you spend with your DS.

For your work, dont feel guilty either. You usually have a good track record so they will know that there must be something significant that has made you actually call in sick, even if you havent told them.
A week or two off work might be good anyway - you might be able to go back with a clear(er) mind and not feel as snowed under after a rest.

Thanks so much Thesagacontinues, that helps me feel a bit better about missing work. I went to sleep really early last night (it was still light) but then woke up with a splitting headache. Of course DS was up with the larks so I had to get up regardless....took ibuprofen and felt better later. DS opened the front door and was trying to flee the house - on his bottom as he can't walk - so it was fun trying to get him indoors whilst nursing a sore head, both of us in pyjamas.

Half term holiday now, the joys!

I spoke to a counsellor pm which has helped me feel better...he said the same as you did, that I shouldn't feel guilty about missing work.

You're under an incredible strain. How old is your son? Are you able to access any support for him? Is there anything you and your husband can do to make sure you each get some time on your own each day, even half an hour to go for a walk, even if it's in the dark or first thing in the morning?

Thanks HollowTalk, my DS is 20 but has a mental age of about 4 so has severe learning & physical disabilities. He can't be left alone even for a moment.....during the week he goes to an adult centre which helps and is good for him as he enjoys it, though is home at weekends.

We do get carers when we can so all being well we will have them over at least part of the half term....though it has been tougher during lockdown as many of DS usual carers don't want to do it. I don't blame them as they are concerned for their own & families' wellbeing. It can't be just anyone, there are 3-4 people we can call on who know DS and are aware of his personal needs.

The worst time was during last year's lockdown as we couldn't get anyone so I had to work from home as well as care for DS. But we are not alone, much of the usual care disabled people receive has been suspended or drastically reduced during the current situation.

DH works mostly in the office as is a key worker, so leaves very early in the morning (6am). We try to make the most of our evenings though.

Last day of the long weekend today and I am DREADING TOMORROW. I feel I am having a huge crisis of confidence and good faith, and nobody in my rl has an inkling. I am so used to not being a burden on anyone.

I was feeling (very unfairly) a bit upset anyway as the wider family wanted to arrange a get together occasion and to organise this in a place with very poor accessibility...it just wasn't on their radar when selecting it. I do want to go and see them but being out and about with DS is a strain, nobody seems to be aware of what a huge ask it is.

It is my fault for not explaining it better though I sometimes try. I do tend to make a joke too much about things that in reality are incredibly stressful. It is all part of my strategy of being relentlessly positive about things - largely it works until, all of a sudden, it doesn't work any more then it backfires as suddenly I am not coping, and people can't be expected to keep track of that.

But even things like accessible disabled loos are an essential when out and about, for someone who is doubly incontinent and in a wheelchair who can't go to the loo unaided. Most people joke about our having to do multiple cleaning jobs on DS, and we laugh along because we feel it is the only thing we can do; but it is not a joke actually, it is a horrible chore.

Although I am guilty sometimes of contradictory messages, I would still like people to figure out themselves that a converted 17th century town house likely to have multiple uneven floors, no lifts and stairs everywhere, in a street with cobblestones, is not an ideal venue for us with our wheelchair-bound DS. A charming venue for an evening out for most people; an absolute nightmare for us.

Hi OP I have no experience of a child with disabilities but I felt I wanted to reply.
I’m amazed that you’ve kept going for this long. You obviously put yourself at the bottom of the list priority wise. I understand why but you need some respite. I totally agree about seeing your GP, maybe get signed off with stress. I know you don’t want to put that burden on your co workers but honestly, you will be off for longer if you don’t look after yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You will not be able to care for your son if you have a breakdown.
And stop hiding how you feel, especially with family. I really feel for you but things have to change. I hope you feel better soon x

Thank you frustrated, will consider getting signed off for longer alternatively will talk to my boss tomorrow about getting some leave. It really goes against the grain to prioritise myself and it feels odd - I am not saying this to boast btw, I am anonymous here so am just saying what is true. And putting oneself at the bottom of the priority pile is not a thing to be proud of in any case.

It is really hard to put into words how I feel about all this, or even to think straight. I am so used to holding in how I feel, am worried that when I start talking about myself it will all come out wrong. I sit and chat and joke and laugh during personal/work Zoom calls, sometimes I catch myself doing it and contemplate what a good actress I am, how cheerful and carefree I must look.

Glad to hear you're considering getting signed off for longer . Sometimes just plodding on is our coping mechanism. But something has to give. I suffer with depression so I can understand part of what youre going through

Thanks frustratedashell, I am sorry you have to manage depression. Every coping strategy has its limitations; when I can't be resilient any more, I try to be steadfast and plodding on regardless is the best there is.

I'm in a similar situation because of different circumstances. I have just been signed off by my GP after speaking with a psych. Never thought I'd be in this position but here I am. It's just that all of the past year of stressors have combined to overwhelm me. I'm booked in for a few more psychologist sessions and will be using the time to reset and plan to avoid the stress again!

I am sorry that you are also having a tough time Run247, I think the past year may have been harder on many of us than we even know. I do hope that you get the support you need in managing the stressors you are facing.

Op, you sound amazing, genuinely.

I support people in my role but feel pushed to breaking point myself after the year we've had. Totally identify with the acting thing. Just want to go and sit by a pool on my own for a week. Nobody needing anything from me. Bliss.

Be kind to yourself. I hope you have a really supportive manager and that this passes quickly.