To feel I have nothing else to give now....feel terribly guilty as a result?

[Livingtothefull]

This is my 3rd attempt at posting...am trying to put it into words.

I have been working from home since lockdown started last year....the first few months I had disabled DS at home whilst working which was hugely stressful. Fortunately he is at his special college now.

I think I am good at my job and usually the feedback I get is good. But I am really struggling right now. I am finding the workload really difficult to manage, worked 2 hours late trying (failing) to get on top of it.

Today I sat down to work and I couldn't do anything. Literally, just couldn't. I felt I couldn't cope with the emails and couldn't contemplate responding to them. I felt numb and nauseous at the thought of them, at the thought of how much there is to do - felt that 'there is no way of getting on top of the work so why even bother trying?' I left things hanging that I really should have dealt with.

I feel so guilty and such a fraud - taking my salary & not doing a proper job. My manager has no idea, she thinks I am doing a good job and coping well.

I can't talk to my DH about how I am feeling, he has a stressful job of his own and does if anything more than his share of caring for DS. (DS has profound physical and learning disabilities so we are never 'off duty' even when not working - no down time for us. We are worried about/trying to plan his future too).

Absolutely no way I can fail to cope as they both need me - I am not depressed I don't think just stressed out of my mind. I have a chronic health condition (epilepsy) and recently have been getting seizures in the night, have posted about them elsewhere.

I can't talk to my family as some of them are very vulnerable themselves. We have regular catchups during lockdown when we all tell each other that everything is fine and we are coping well.

So I don't know where to turn and how to make things better, the things I am facing seem so colossal. I have booked a session with a counsellor tomorrow so will see if that is helpful - but I don't think I need 'fixing' just the things around me and they can't be fixed.

Is there anything else I could do to improve things? I am so sorry to complain on here, I do want to be positive and stay well but I know how fragile mental health can be.

And yes I am not alone in feeling burned out, I know a lot of people around me feel the same...it may be the reason why several people at work feel so needy & demanding, it's not their faults either but I am really struggling to cope with it all at the moment.

My boss is on holiday right now, I did discuss with him how I was feeling and that I would need some time off soon. But yes I feel I need it sooner rather than later.

Of course if I do go off there won't be any 'down' time anyway as I will be caring for my DS.

I dearly wish I could get rid of the feelings of guilt and inadequacy @peridito, they cling to me like limpets. I feel that I just can't face the process of toileting DS, I am leaving it for the carer to do (if he was soiled of course I would do it). I feel like the worst person alive for doing that.

I have been neglecting wider family members some of whom are vulnerable, and I know some of them struggle to understand. I feel awful about it and one day I know I will regret I didn't do more.

I meant to say.....thank you so much for your posts. I agree @Guineapigbridge that I am burning out...I have been hoping that this is just a difficult time that I will come through. Nobody wants to admit (even to themselves) that they are not coping.

I’ve read your posts before and I’m sorry how difficult your life is. I had a friend whose dd has severe learning difficulties. She had converted her house so her dd could live independently with carers but ultimately she ended up finding a residential placement for her and fought for the funding to enable her dd to go there. I know she found it all extremely difficult. I don’t see her much anymore but I’ve bumped into her in town, when she has been taking her daughter out for the day, and her dd is happy in her placement. The friend was also working in a school for learning disabled. I know she felt hugely guilty about relinquishing care of her dd . I was sometimes worried about how she was coping before though and that her care didn’t seem to be safe.
You do need to put yourself first.

Thank you SpringSparrow, I am sorry that your friend went through such a hard time and I think she did the right thing arranging a placement for her DD. It is just overwhelming otherwise. I hope she is in a better place now and she can just enjoy being with her DD now much of the burden of care is lifted.

It is hard to describe how challenging it all is, it is natural to feel guilty as a parent that you can't do it all, however misplaced the guilt is. Speaking for myself though, I am only human and, when I try to do it all, I end up not doing any of it very well and feeling guilty for that.

This morning I am about to start work and just feel overwhelmed, I feel like calling in sick because I just don't feel right. DS has been awake since 5:30 am, so I got up at the same time because he can't be alone. He knocked over his breakfast table deliberately after I gave him his breakfast and couldn't reach his iPad. I am steeling myself to log in and read all the angry, demanding work emails now.

I am not usually like this, I am feeling these days that it is all too much.

How are you doing, OP? I hope there weren't many angry emails but I find that answering such messages a little sternly and explaining that I'm only one human being can help people back off. Not every time, but enough to make people think twice about pushing their stress onto me. You sound such a good person but it's ok to push back a little. Take care of yourself however you can.

First things first, book an appointment with your gp and get signed on sick. This will give you a breather from work and a chance to regroup.
Talk to your boss too, she maybe able to lighten the load.
And talk to your husband, his job and how much he helps out is irrelevant, he's your husband, talk to him.

Finding excuses to not talk to anyone won't help you at all