Oh god.. another terrible bedtime

[LittleBridge]

I’ve just lost it (again) with DS10. He’s knackered, but just won’t bloody settle down. He usually needs 10 hrs of sleep or so but he wakes early around 6 most mornings so I try to get him into bed for 8, and then we either read together or he has some time to read by himself. Lights out by 8.45 usually, 8.30 sometimes. Trouble is he just resists it. It’s infuriating (to me) and I also find it difficult to switch off until I know he’s asleep. I think he’s always slightly sleep deprived. I’ve always done a good bedtime routine with him, right from when he was tiny, but he just won’t/can’t switch off. Gets up, messes about in his room, turns his light back on when I’ve gone downstairs, reads, will try to come downstairs to say he can’t sleep, wants today good night to the cat, needs water etc etc etc. I’ve explained he’s not missing anything.

I’m exhausted with it, night after night, and feel so trapped and depressed by it as it feels like I get no time to myself (single parent).

What can I do? I’ve tried everything (well it feels that way) - praising good bedtimes (at age 10?? Is this normal? ), cutting screen time, shouting . Tonight I just lost it really and this obviously makes me feel much worse. Sad and upset for both of us. It’s having a negative impact on our relationship.

Thinking back, Cubs (8-10) ended at 7.45pm and scouts (10-14) at 8.45pm. It seemed late to begin with but soon became the norm.

My 10-year-old DS goes upstairs at the same time as his younger sister, at 7.30pm. While I'm putting her to bed, reading to her etc he'll play a bit (no screens after this time, just good old-fashioned playing on the floor!) and at some point will brush his teeth and get into his pjs. I have to nag him to have a shower when he needs one though! His sister is usually in bed by 8.30, then I say good night to DS who may still be playing or reading in bed by then. He knows lights out some time around 9.30-9.45pm but I'm not strict and I know he'll turn them off when he's too tired to read any more. He's always up around 6.30am and raring to go.

Hope you find a solution soon OP - I'm inclined to agree that you should try pushing bedtime back a bit though and leave him to his own devices a bit more.

My 11 year old wakes at 6 without fail. Always has done, we don't need an alarm clock! His bed time is 8pm. One of us goes with him and he reads to us, we read to him. Lights out at 830-845, stay with him until he falls asleep. Usually I read something on my phone whilst playing music. He's asleep by 9.

I have a 10 year old and if he gets up at 6 (which he does a few times a week for music and sport) he normally is in bed by 8/8.30 the following night. His “ideal” (ie if allowed to self regulate) would be sleep between 9.30-7.30 but this doesn’t work as we leave for school at 7.45!
He goes up for a shower around 7.30, potters about, reads for half an hour and lays down around 8.30/9 on school nights.

My 10 year old (and 11yo) go up to bed at 9pm.

I read to the 10 year old then move on to her sister. Youngest is usually asleep by 9.30/9.45. I have to say I love reading to her, there were a few years where I couldn't due to work so we both missed out. We're reading some Terry Prachett at the moment.

The 11yo, we chat about her day and sometimes she comes and does her homework on my bed. So I suppose really her bedtime is closer to 10pm. She definitely reads for a while.

Both wake up cranky for school (7.15), but get over it with breakfast. I let them sleep in at weekends and they are both up around 8.

I don't sweat it because I can remember being their age and reading by torch light until 10 or 11pm.

I think 9-9.30 is okay, but I think getting into bed to read and having that wind down is normal. I know that around age 10-11 activities start to go on later. I remember a bedtime shift to later times around that age.

I would be careful to start to make this a issue, he is heading towards adulthood and learning to sleep without support is a skill. If they are in bed reading it's relaxing and resting.

Mine are 9 and 10 and I generally send them upstairs (or they tend to just go) between 8/8:30. They can watch TV until 9 if they want as long as teeth/face are done. I pop up at 9, take their remotes just in case put the lights off and leave them. They both love using the Libby app (on their fully screen timed/locked down) phones and listen to audio books. Generally both are asleep not much after, although I know the younger one sometimes sneakily reads which I love.
They both get up at 6:30, very rarely later and have always been early risers.
Works for us. Some days they might seem tired after school, but they self adjust and take themselves up to bed earlier.

I would definitely try pushing bedtime back a bit OP. Sadly this is the age where you do start to say goodbye to your evenings a bit!

I would also agree with trying a morning shower if he’s an early bird. An evening bath or shower can make some DC a bit hyper.

I would not go down the route of lying with him till he’s asleep though. I genuinely can’t believe people would suggest to do this with a ten or eleven year old child. Pottering around upstairs whilst they get ready, yes. Lying in their bed with them or sitting in their room whilst they go to sleep, no.

My 10yo (with ADHD) is awake by 6.15 and could no more manage scouts/swimming etc to 9.30 than fly. As a treat the other day he was up until 9 with his cousins and was absolutely wiped out for a couple of days. Bath at 7.15, reading 7.30-8 with me, lights off at 8 with ocean sounds playing, asleep by 8.30, otherwise life is just miserable.

My 10 year old goes up about 9-10 depending on what's going on. He washes, brushes teeth and straight in bed. He can read if it's 9pm, but not if it's 10. I don't hear anything else from him after he's gone up.

My 10 year old goes up at 7.30. We do bath if it's a bath night, then I read to him in his room then he's allowed to play for a bit. He does have a TV in his room but on school nights I take away the remote so he's not tempted to watch anything. On weekends and school holidays he is allowed to watch TV until 10pm. On school nights his bedtime light is on a timer so he is allowed to play in his room until the light goes out a half nine.

He does really struggle to fall asleep but doesn't bother us, he just puts an audio book or some music on. He is ASD though and it took us while to find a routine that works. Most school mornings I have to wake him up and he is tired but this is literally the only routine we have found that works for him.

My 10 y old has adhd and doesn't really sleep; sometimes he's still awake after 11. His bedtime is 9 and on a week night he can read until 9.30 when he turns his light off and tries to sleep. Tbh I'm not bothered what he does do long as he stays in his room and is quiet.

My 10yr old ds goes up to brush teeth/get ready for bed about 8/8.15ish, then we read to him and his sister, who is 8. They both then go to their rooms and read etc until they want to go to sleep, they don't have a set time. 10 year old is usually asleep by 9.30. He gets up anytime between 6 & 7am. I'm quite lax about bedtimes, as long as they aren't being noisy! Ds shares with his 5 yr old brother, so can't really dick about as the 5yr old tells him off 😂 5 yr old is usually asleep by 8.15. My eldest does need his sleep, so if he's stayed up extra late reading he tends to be asleep earlier the next night.

@FATEdestiny

WTF *@worriedandannoyed*? No need to be so rude.

My now 11yo has tonight been swimming training 8pm-9pm. Home for about 9.20pm. He's been doing it for more than 2 years.

Scouts (boys aged 10) runs 7.30-9pm. Guides (which my DD was attending when she was 10) 8pm-9.30pm.

Now sure why you think my childrens actual real life is "rubbish"?

Only just seen this comment.

Of course I'm not saying your child's life is rubbish, it's great to have hobbies.

But when you insinuated that her child was missing out by going to bed at 8pm that's a pretty nasty comment! My kids do plenty of clubs and still go to bed at a decent time. Her child is NOT missing out!!

@malikaqi

Offer to let him stay up a bit later in return for being more independent at bed time.

Why does he need to be more independent? He needs to go to sleep but reading together is lovely.