Oh god.. another terrible bedtime

[LittleBridge]

I’ve just lost it (again) with DS10. He’s knackered, but just won’t bloody settle down. He usually needs 10 hrs of sleep or so but he wakes early around 6 most mornings so I try to get him into bed for 8, and then we either read together or he has some time to read by himself. Lights out by 8.45 usually, 8.30 sometimes. Trouble is he just resists it. It’s infuriating (to me) and I also find it difficult to switch off until I know he’s asleep. I think he’s always slightly sleep deprived. I’ve always done a good bedtime routine with him, right from when he was tiny, but he just won’t/can’t switch off. Gets up, messes about in his room, turns his light back on when I’ve gone downstairs, reads, will try to come downstairs to say he can’t sleep, wants today good night to the cat, needs water etc etc etc. I’ve explained he’s not missing anything.

I’m exhausted with it, night after night, and feel so trapped and depressed by it as it feels like I get no time to myself (single parent).

What can I do? I’ve tried everything (well it feels that way) - praising good bedtimes (at age 10?? Is this normal? ), cutting screen time, shouting . Tonight I just lost it really and this obviously makes me feel much worse. Sad and upset for both of us. It’s having a negative impact on our relationship.

Offer to let him stay up a bit later in return for being more independent at bed time.

he wakes early around 6 most mornings

Does he need to?

@LittleBridge

Genuinely interested in how others put their 10yr olds to bed. I usually go upstairs with him, sometimes chat while he brushes his teeth or he’ll have a shower then I come up when he’s in bed, but we usually read some of whatever book he’s reading. Depending on the time, he’ll either read some more himself or it’ll be good night:lights out.

Maybe I need to adapt things

We used to need to hang around upstairs until asleep. None of my 4 children have liked the idea of being upstairs without a grown up. But that's not much of a problem for DH and I. Either DH has a game of FIFA in the upstairs game room or I watch TV in my room. It's only 15 minutes usually.

As for actual bedtime, it's largely independant by aged 10. Tell him to get ready for bed (ie nightware on, teeth brushed, face washed) about 5 mins before bed. Tell him it's bedtime at the allotted time. Pop upstairs and give kiss in bed. Hang around upstairs for a bit.

I've never bought into the idea of reading in bed (We do reading straight home from school). I personally like the idea that bed us for sleeping only, and so make that association that going to bed only ever means going to sleep.

My 10 year old goes to sleep around 9:30 and wakes like clockwork at 7am. We start bedtime at 8 as she has a younger sibling and we read to her or she reads her own book or she does things like sudoku or Ken Ken’s as she says it makes her brain tired. She usually asks for an abc of things - we give her a topic and she has to find one thing for each letter of the alphabet after we’ve turned her light out. Like sports, vegetables, girls names, boys names etc. It seems to send her off pretty quickly.

I hope you find a solution x

DS is 10 in July, he goes to bed around 9:30pm and is an early riser, usually up by 6:30am. We don't make a big deal about bedtime at all, there is no pressure to go to sleep. All screens are removed, lights out, his audio CD goes on and he doesn't come out of his room unless ill/toilet etc.

We usually don't see him again and he's always asleep when I check when I go up but a very relaxed method works for us (same for DD who is almost 8)

8pm would be very early to start bedtime for us.

My 10 year goes up to clean teeth at 7.15/30 I read till 8/8.15. If I don't read or if I finish early he can have songs from a playlist in his room. He also gets up at 6.15. If he goes to bed later on a school night he can't cope. All kids are different so whilst some children go to bed at 8, others are fine at 10pm. Music works well for us to calm him. Good luck.

Genuinely interested in how others put their 10yr olds to bed. I usually go upstairs with him, sometimes chat while he brushes his teeth or he’ll have a shower then I come up when he’s in bed, but we usually read some of whatever book he’s reading. Depending on the time, he’ll either read some more himself or it’ll be good night:lights out

I just send mine to bed. I don't go up with her. Shower is at 7pm (just be sue we have a schedule for it) then toilet and teeth and into bed at 9:30pm. She reads for as long as she wants.

mine took himself off to bed at that age. I can’t remember what time, just whenever he was tired I suppose. Can’t you just leave him to it and see if he self regulates? A few days of going to bed late and the resulting exhaustion the next day will teach him

yes, tend to agree Lefkr

Doesn’t seem right to just send them up to bed by themselves, to sort themselves out, at 10. Mine still isn’t that keen on going up unless all the lights are on upstairs - he still seems little in some ways.

I couldn't make this an issue. DS went upstairs about 9ish and we made sure there was nothing fun happening downstairs at that time. What he did in his room was up to him, but he never had a tv. Screens were allowed. We would often find him asleep at midnight on a screen. He got up when he fancied, but wasn't to wake us before the agreed time. He went downstairs and watched tv before school. Benign neglect in that regard I think. He lived to tell the tale, excellent grades, normal person.

Doesn’t seem right to just send them up to bed by themselves, to sort themselves out, at 10

Oh please

I mean. I don't do bath story bedtime like a baby but I do take mine up and chat to her while she's getting sorted etc. She likes to read to me for a bit sometimes and I just potter about and maybe make sure she has her uniform ready etc. I like it and she's probably still be pissing about at ten if I didn't chivvy Her along.

I still put my 9 year old son to bed. It’s a nice time to chat and read together. Obviously he gets himself undressed and in PJs by himself but I’m usually on the same floor as him. I feel sometimes people see it as a weakness when someone wants to look after their child. It seems some people feel we should be pushing our kids to be independent from a really young age and you’ve somehow failed if they can’t make their own dinner, tidy the whole house and do their own laundry before they are 7!

My son sounds like yours too. He can be so exhausted and then his head hits the pillow and it’s like ‘ting!’ and his brain just wakes up again. We’ve tried audiobooks, sticker charts, lavender spray, weighted blanket, sleep stories...he just doesn’t go to sleep until about 10 (sometimes much later). I’ve come to the conclusion that’s just him! As long as he’s quiet and in his room I leave him to it.

He has a full on day, gets home at six, but you expect him asleep two hours later? Presumably having eaten dinner, done whatever he needs to do for school, showered etc? I’d say he needs more time to unwind and that moving “bedtime” later might result in an earlier “sleep time” as he might actually go to sleep instead of keeping himself awake faffing. It’s like as an adult, I stay awake later than I ought to to get some “me time” - maybe he’s just doing the same thing.

Difficult to remember... I know I didn't go up with ds by that age.

It's about to be half term. What about taking the pressure right off yourself and giving up on bedtimes for the week? See whether he shows any signs of starting to self regulate?

Seems an early bedtime? My son is 9.5 and also a child who I would say tends to tire.

He goes up to shower between 815 abs 830, I read to him at 8.45 and he goes to sleep at 9. Usually he falls asleep quickly at that point.

He's musing on giving up his bedtime story and has been asking when his elder sister gave up hers 😢 but I hope he'll go on a bit longer!

Might be totally wrong but I wondered if your son wanted more special time with you. I guess if you don't get in till 6, then you're getting supper and he's on his screens or whatever, do you get any special time where he feels cosied up?

I know that bedtime story is that time for my son, it's just me and him etc etc.

I think it's too early as well, I get that you're trying to get him to wind down - but he's not.

My 9 year old gets sent up at 9ish to clean teeth, then I come up and tuck him in. He can read if he wants but generally doesn't and (luckily!) goes to sleep quickly.

I also have 12 year old twins who go to bed at the same time as they have to be up earlier, they share a room and do tend to chat or read for about 40 mins or so, but I leave them be unless I can hear them from downstairs or I go up and they're still yakking past 10.

I agree with @WeatherwaxOn - We have agreed that bedtime is 9 at the latest. Once in their room as long as they're quiet, it doesn't matter what time they go to sleep. Getting up at a set time is non-negotiable though.
Books are allowed, quiet CD.
No tv in the room, no screens/games

Above all though, try not to let it annoy you. Bedtime has the capacity to wind me up like nothing else - I really try hard to disengage when they mess about and just tell them they'll be tired for school if they don't sleep and I won't be held responsible for that.

Same here. I might potter about upstairs while he’s in the bathroom. It’s partly a chance to sort stuff for the morning, like uniform, sport kit etc, and to make sure he does his teeth. Sometimes he’ll read to me, sometimes he’ll read on his own.

I don’t think that’s particularly odd or OTT for a 10 yr old.

DS goes up to bed at 7:45 and gets changed, messes around, does teeth until just gone 8 then I come up and say goodnight, have a cuddle, he likes me to sing a lullaby and then he goes to sleep. Some days he is asleep by 8:20, some nights not until 9 and he is always tired in the mornings so I do think some children need more sleep than others.

Send him to get ready for bed half an hour later than usual. Let him do his own thing for a bit- shower, read, potter around his room. Then come up and have short winding down time with a book or a calm chat. Maybe he just needs some time to himself before bed- if you spend time with him before he's asleep he'll think of things he could do before bed. Let him tire himself out and settle his mind. Does he have a lamp or fairy lights you could put on after a certain time? And make sure his room is tidy-ish before bed.

Some really helpful responses here. It’s useful finding out how others do things.

To a couple of PPs, he’s usually eaten a proper meal before we get home, but he’ll have a snack, then we might watch some tv together for a bit. Sometimes if it’s a nice evening (not at the moment!) we’ll go round the corner to the park. Or he’s got Cubs, which will mean a later bedtime, or cricket or similar.

I’ve got to change something as the current set up isn’t working at all. I’ll push the going upstairs later and try the reading later by himself as long as he stays in his room.

Could the bedtime shower be refreshing him and waking him up?

If he’s up early could he shower then?

Could you try a 9pm bedtime and do mindfulness together or a winddown cd that you both lie in bed and listen to together (you relax in a chair near him) and listen to?

Sorry but full moon can cause this too
My 3 year old fighting sleep until half ten tonight 😢😢

Mine started to self regulate at 10. I do the bedtime routine then it's chill out all you like but don't take the piss. And 8pm is quite early for that age, especially if he's not getting home til 6pm he doesn't get much home time before bedtime!

My DS did football at 10yo and we weren't home til after 9pm then shower, snack, probably into bed at 10.

Mine would definitely take themselves off to bed at age 10. Bedtime was around 9pm and lights out at 10pm. No screens upstairs but they could read. They would wake up at 6.30ish.