Do women struggle more than men to accept step children?

[LumpEmTogether]

Was having a conversation about this the other day and interested in people's thoughts.

I know there is a lot of 'you sound cold, detached, horrible' and so on in response to a lot of step parenting threads but is it actual just human nature rather than the individual not being a nice person?

I know it's not all, but in general do you think that biologically/ instinctively, women find it harder than men to accept step children? Especially when those children don't need mothering, i.e their Mum is around and involved. Is it programmed into us in some ways to 'reject' children who don't need a mother in us.

I personally think the issue is two fold, one being as above and the second a societal pressure of what women should do when it comes to children, not just their own.

I genuinely believe from real life experiences and reading on here that in general (again I know not always), step father's seem to have a much easier job and also seem to accept the situation more easily than women do.

I don't think it's necessarily a case of you haven't given birth to them so therefore you can't accept them. No one can deny that you can absolutely love adopted children as your own for example, but the fact that these children typically already have someone in the role of mother, does this make a difference do you think on an instinctive level.

It’s different expectations within the role as well; typically the female is the primary caregiver but when this role is foisted upon an unrelated female, it is a minefield. The easiest way is to step back from the parenting but then you can be accused of not caring etc.

Men - stepdads - don’t have an expectation of being the nurturing role and thus can crack on more easily and with less judgement when they don’t really get involved with direct/primary parenting duties.

Honestly? I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here:

step father's seem to have a much easier job and also seem to accept the situation more easily than women do

Most step fathers will accept a child because their life doesn’t change. The mother continues to be the sole carer, continues to be the domestic lead. A step mother - also continues to be the domestic lead, but with none of the positives that come with it, and many many more negatives.

I actually disagree and notice the opposite, I think women are far far more likely and willing to date men with children than men are to date women with children,(so therefore potentially becoming a step parent) but that’s just an observation.

I also think the opposite. Also, when you hear of horrific things happening to children, the mother is nearly always living with a boyfriend/new partner, not the biological dad.

I'm not saying biological dads never do terrible things to their kids, but having a step-dad makes your chances of being beaten up/abused/murdered more likely.

I think (in my personal experience and that of close friends/family) that the women go into it open minded, willing to accept the step children as their own or close to.. but then are constantly told by DSC's mum (and sometimes DH) that they are not the parent and to stay out of anything even parental-like.

So then it becomes all the drudgery (washing their clothes, feeding them, paying for them) with no control (no rule setting, no discipline, children always come first) and no gain ("you're not my mum!" "My mum says you're doing XYZ wrong", and so forth). It's kind of a lose lose deal so I'm not surprised that it devolves to what it does.

From a statistical point of view, a child is at the most risk of abuse from a non biological male in a relationship with his or her mother.

I'm not sure... I'm always amazed how easily the men I know accept dating a women with kids. And how little it fazes them. Whereas I wouldn't touch a man with kids with a bargepole tbh (despite wanting my own at some point) and I'm not alone in thinking this way amongst my female friends.

@poppycat10

I also think the opposite. Also, when you hear of horrific things happening to children, the mother is nearly always living with a boyfriend/new partner, not the biological dad.

I'm not saying biological dads never do terrible things to their kids, but having a step-dad makes your chances of being beaten up/abused/murdered more likely.

This. It makes it massively more likely the children will be abused. And I've seen some very very poor step-fathering. Including children being removed because of it.

Yes that’s another thing to think about. I’ve read so many cases of children killed by their mothers partner ☹️

Not disputing the fact that men, including those that are step dads are in general more violent etc., but that wasn’t the question asked. That’s where I was coming from anyway.

I absolutely agree expectations have a HUGE influence on how step-parents feel.

Not just the expectations from your partner - which definitely differ depending on whether you're with the mum or the dad - but also the expectations from other people around you, and even yourself to some extent.

Dads often expect a woman, any woman, to be able to step straight in as a caring, loving, nurturing mother figure, and quite honestly a lot of women expect that from themselves as well and then really struggle when it doesn't go that way. You can go into it expecting to be an amazing, Mary Poppins stepmum and then realise that nobody wants that except dad and in fact the children kick out against you trying to get too involved because they already have a mum, and you end up feeling resentful that you're doing so much hard work for kids that aren't even yours for no thanks at all.

Whereas stepdads tend to be lauded just for being kind and friendly to the children, playing the odd game with them or whatever - that's often the extent of expectations which fall on the man, while the mum continues doing the majority of the day-to-day care.

I also think a lot of men aren't as territorial over their children and role as a father, they feel quite confident in their role even when another bloke comes on the scene, whereas for women quite often their identity is totally enmeshed with their role as a mother and they feel threatened by the presence of another woman in their child's life. Which then rubs off on the children, making it harder for the SM to find her place.

@poppycat10

I also think the opposite. Also, when you hear of horrific things happening to children, the mother is nearly always living with a boyfriend/new partner, not the biological dad.

I'm not saying biological dads never do terrible things to their kids, but having a step-dad makes your chances of being beaten up/abused/murdered more likely.

I do agree you see this more from stepdads but would say that's more a reflection on the greater prevalence of male violence towards women and children than it is a reflection on stepmums vs stepdads.

Life doesn't change much for step dads. In general, the mum will still do most of the childcare, housework etc associated with children. On top of that, just being a basic,decent human being is enough to bring step dads to hero status.

For step mums is the complete opposite. A lot of the time they're damned if they do and damned if they don't. Anything but putting the SC first always (which is unrealistic) is akin to wicked step mother. On top of that , in general they're the ones lumped with the childcare, housework etc. associated with the SC.

@PoTheDog

I'm not sure... I'm always amazed how easily the men I know accept dating a women with kids. And how little it fazes them. Whereas I wouldn't touch a man with kids with a bargepole tbh (despite wanting my own at some point) and I'm not alone in thinking this way amongst my female friends.

Because as pointed out, the men don't take over the primary care giving road, but the woman is expected to parent his kids in the reverse setting which, again, is why I, like you would not touch a man with kids with a bargepole back when I was single and childfree and would immediately cut off a man who reeled me in to date and then sprung, 'I've got kids' on me (because I always asked).

Why make your life harder for some bloke? There are billions of them in the world.

I think some women hurt themselves by auditioning as Mary Poppins at the start of a relationship. Then they wonder why the bloke expects this role to increase during the relationship.

I mean there are women doing household chores for boyfriends they don't live with. Insane.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I think some women hurt themselves by auditioning as Mary Poppins at the start of a relationship. Then they wonder why the bloke expects this role to increase during the relationship.

I mean there are women doing household chores for boyfriends they don't live with. Insane.

Spot on there!

My experience is I've picked up (and now dropped) all the domestic stuff. DH is entirely competent so if I went away I'd never get meals in for him. But we've fallen into me doing inside jobs and him outside jobs.

My current role is to make sure everyone knows how to cook, clean, do the washing etc so they all know how to adult properly.

They are 4 teens so time to learn the boring shit. Anyone who leaves their washing basket downstairs and leaves for a week will find it back in their room unwashed.

This week I got them to meal plan and do the shopping. The shopping was a total failure. You'd think they'd never been to a supermarket before.

Stepdads are often seen as heroes for merely living in the same house as their DW's children. Lots of talk of how "He's amazing because he's taken on my children."

Stepmums often end up with most or all of the day-to-day drudgery. Not only are they not applauded for this, they are seen as cruel and uncaring if they hesitate to take on even more of the workload.

The recent thread where a woman was judged harshly for not having her soon-to-be-ex-DP's teenager continue to live with her after the child's father left to be with the OW was an eye-opener.

With myself and dh both having dcs prior to meeting. I think we found it the same to be honest.
He met my ds quickly as in introduced as my boyfriend at the time. But knew him before.
It was a while till I met dsd as her mum understandably didn't want her to meet me as soon. Me and dh were loving together soon.
He always has been great with ds. Even in difficult teens.
I get on brilliant with dsd, altho there has been issue after issue with her dm, it could have easily have gone the other way, however I think it's made our bond stronger.
All the kids get treated the same, in rewards or if needed punishment by both of us. We have the same view on parenting 99% of the time.
If dh feels the need to punish ds for something he's done then he will. Likewise on the odd occasion I have with dsd.
For example no Laptop /Switch etc
I do more in the way of day to day things. I'd for example do dsd washing, ironing as I'm doing it anyway whilst dh at work.
I bath her if she needs help doing her hair etc. Because she prefers me to. I also do most of the cooking, again because I'm a sahm and dh is working 6 days. But he comes in and does what's needed, if anything as I'm a bit of a control freak and like to just crack on with it.

We also have 2 dcs together so I think that helps to have everyone on the same page

Possibly. DH took on my 3 under 7 DCs and has been amazing with them. They love him to bits (30 ish now) and he has been a kind and wonderful stepdad to them. He loves them all and thinks of them as his. I'm not sure I'd have done the same to 3 imaginary children of his. (He was single and childless when we met)

But...he worked away from home for much of the time. And he has never done the mental load bit. He was obliging about picking teenagers up in the middle of the night but spent much time saying Ask your mother to questions. He was cheerful about going on family days out, carrying small children on his shoulders, ferrying them to sports events and he has spent a bloody fortune financially on raising children who are not his, thanks to an Ex DH who paid fuck all maintenance. He has fixed their bikes and cars, done DiY on their houses, and is generally the one whose shoulder they still cry on (I am a brisk, hard-hearted harridan, whereas he is kindly and makes soothing noises).

I suspect that, like everything in life, it's not possible to make generalisations about 50% of the population, or based on stereotypes. It will come down to the individual.

@LotLessBovver

Stepdads are often seen as heroes for merely living in the same house as their DW's children. Lots of talk of how "He's amazing because he's taken on my children."

Stepmums often end up with most or all of the day-to-day drudgery. Not only are they not applauded for this, they are seen as cruel and uncaring if they hesitate to take on even more of the workload.

The recent thread where a woman was judged harshly for not having her soon-to-be-ex-DP's teenager continue to live with her after the child's father left to be with the OW was an eye-opener.

Yes and how stepdad loves the kids as his own and has never treated them any differently from his biological children...much easier when you're not really doing much of the day-to-day skivvying for any of the children, bio or not!

I don't know about step parenting much, but I can certainly see how women might be struggling with the issue of a child who already has a mother in the picture, and how that's perhaps not quite the same for a dad. I think society is geared up with quite fixed ideas about what you have to do to be a mother, whereas fathers' roles are more fluid (sadly, because there are still a lot of absentee dads or dads who see doing things with their children as optional).

I wonder if that makes the territory of motherhood more contested than the territory of fatherhood?

I would disagree, I think stepfathers can be awful to stepchildren out of jealousy as you are evidence that their partner has slept with someone else and created a child. Stepmothers potentially have maternal instincts to draw on at least.

@Rtmhwales has hit the nail on the head for me. I have 2 stepchildren and 1 biological child. And yes I get all the shit parts like washing, cooking, cleaning because I’m a stay at home parent so those are my jobs. But I get no say about any parenting choices (of step children) and their mum is a bit difficult. If I try to be more involved with things then I’m interfering.

Expectations differ for men and women, whether they are step parents or not.

Step dads seem to get gushing praise heaped on them by their new partners and society with all the "my DP is such an amazing daddy to my children. He's there when they're poorly, unlike their actual dad" nonsense. This tends to translate as "my children's father sees them EOW, which I was happy about and my new partner exists in the same house as them more so because I love my DP he becomes de facto amazing daddy of the century".
Equally, the fact dads tend to be NRP creates issues because dad's new partner sees the step children as infrequent visitors, and that causes issues when another baby arrives.
Some dads are happy to push the parenting load onto their new partner, just like some men are far too willing to pass the domestic load onto women. It's a problem of patriarchy.

I might get shot in flames for this, but sometimes I think some parents can be too willing to prioritise their new partner, new relationship, and new family over existing non-resident children. The result is that there becomes an expectation for the new partner and the new child to come first. From threads on here I think too many people think having their own baby blends the family, and don't actually consider how they see the whole family unit operating.