Do women struggle more than men to accept step children?

[LumpEmTogether]

Was having a conversation about this the other day and interested in people's thoughts.

I know there is a lot of 'you sound cold, detached, horrible' and so on in response to a lot of step parenting threads but is it actual just human nature rather than the individual not being a nice person?

I know it's not all, but in general do you think that biologically/ instinctively, women find it harder than men to accept step children? Especially when those children don't need mothering, i.e their Mum is around and involved. Is it programmed into us in some ways to 'reject' children who don't need a mother in us.

I personally think the issue is two fold, one being as above and the second a societal pressure of what women should do when it comes to children, not just their own.

I genuinely believe from real life experiences and reading on here that in general (again I know not always), step father's seem to have a much easier job and also seem to accept the situation more easily than women do.

I don't think it's necessarily a case of you haven't given birth to them so therefore you can't accept them. No one can deny that you can absolutely love adopted children as your own for example, but the fact that these children typically already have someone in the role of mother, does this make a difference do you think on an instinctive level.

I've seen stepfather treat friends children (what I consider) badly many times.
I think their inbuilt instinct is to look out for themselves and the fruit of their own loins, first and foremost.
I have also known men who are jealous of the attention given to their own children.

I get the same impression as you, OP, in general. My own circumstance has been horribly different, with SM behaving as though I were dead rather than the averagely great mum I am.

SM went fully for the Mary Poppins role from day 1 and still at it 7 years in, along with having her own DC recently. I don't know her so have no idea what her motivations are, though I speculate at times about her instalife/need to impress her DH/many past years with an unfulfilled desire to be a mum.

It's been a v steep learning curve for my sense of self, that's for sure, and my place in my DD's life is not what it was.

Step dads get to be more like the cool fun uncle. They're praised to the skies because they take the kids to football or turn up to do their share of teenage lift clubs. Perhaps they spend time bonding over play station.

They are never expected to take on any real responsibilities and they are seen as heroes if they take an hour out of their weekend to "help out"

Step mums, from what i can tell, are expected to step into the mother role for the step children in terms of thinking, planning, organising but they do not get any input into actual parenting. I'm constantly surprised on here when step mums are doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping for their step children but aren't allowed to comment on behaviour or take part in decision making.

I know a lot of great stepdads and also stepmums. My DS has never known life without my DP as we got together when he was very young. My DP absolutely treats him as his own and I’ve often thought that I wouldn’t have been so readily able to accept a child that wasn’t mine. I don’t think I would be a great stepmum - I don’t feel I’m that great at being an actual mum! My DS also has a great stepmum, so I don’t know how evenly it’s split but I take my hat off to anyone that does it.

@Triffid1

Step dads get to be more like the cool fun uncle. They're praised to the skies because they take the kids to football or turn up to do their share of teenage lift clubs. Perhaps they spend time bonding over play station.

They are never expected to take on any real responsibilities and they are seen as heroes if they take an hour out of their weekend to "help out"

Step mums, from what i can tell, are expected to step into the mother role for the step children in terms of thinking, planning, organising but they do not get any input into actual parenting. I'm constantly surprised on here when step mums are doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping for their step children but aren't allowed to comment on behaviour or take part in decision making.

They also get the blame for anything that goes wrong and expected to pick up the slack if the SC's parents are useless.

I don’t think step Dad’s have it easier at all. 50:50 access is vanishingly rare and it’s far more common for Dad’s to only see their children EOW and maybe one day during the week after school. So Step-Dad‘s generally end up living with the children and help to raise them but Step-Mum’s just spend a few hours at the weekend with them if that...

That’s generally speaking, I know some step-mum’s do far more than that. My friend is a Step-Mum and also has a child of her own with her DH and I admire her so much. She genuinely loves her stepchild like her own and because she’s a SAHM, most of the legwork falls on her. They do have 50% access so she does a lot for him including driving 60 miles to do the school run.

I don’t think I could be a step-mum. It may be irrational but I’m glad DH’s only children are also my children. I don’t think I’d have wanted to be with him if he already had children with someone else.

step father's seem to have a much easier job and also seem to accept the situation more easily than women do

I wonder if evolutionarily-speaking, men are “wired” to be providers and so don’t mind sharing resources. Women are “wired” to seek out the best male to provide for THEIR offspring. Another women’s choice spring is essentially reducing the available resources.