Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is anyone awake? Something unsettling happend.handhold pls. Trigger warning

41 replies

R0tational · 22/05/2021 02:39

Hey. Is there any chance I can talk to someone please. I am feeling a bit unsettled. A guy came over and stuff happened and I didnt want to but went along with it and now feel like I made a mistake. I feel really stupid and naive. He recently got back with an ex. Why did I think he would be ok with a platonic drink. I thought it was just gonna be a chat with someone. I am such an idiot. I just let him get on with it and persuade me. I just made up some rules in my head and didnt cross those. The main reason I didnt want to is cos he has a wife. I pushed him away ("cheeky" come ons) for ages and just felt worn down. I hate that I made that choice under duress cos he was right there. If i had known the even was gonna turn out like that I woukd not have let me in. I met him on a dating app while he was separated. We exchanged just a few messages and he disappeared/ghosted and I wasnt too bothered. But he popped up a few days ago and said he wanted to tell me how some stuff I said made him return to his ex and try again. I literally thought he wanted to just chat. I feel so angry at myself because I should have known better and I thought my boundaries were improving. Please dont hate me for doing something with a guy who is attached. I didnt mean to and I felt ashamed. I did keep saying no at the beginning and then just went along with it. It wasnt rape because I just thought it was easier to go along with most of it. I am so dumb. I wish it wasnt the middle of the night. I am really sorry. I wont let myself in that situation again. I know his place of work and live in a small town etc so I litersally thought he would be ... I dont know... like not try anything on. I thought there might be mild harmless flirting but not this. I am happy cos I didnt let him in me. I am so dumb. Im sorry. Really I am. Its my fault for letting him in and drinking. Idiot. I have sent him a message I dont want to see him again and that I feel guilt. I hope he just leaves me alone and I can put this in the past as a learning experience. Is that OK? Please dont pile on to me. I dont want to be and didnt want to be a OW. That is not ok at all. I wont do that again. By do that I mean put myself in the situation. Please believe me I did NOT think it would escalate like that. The flirting happened and I probably acted like a tease. I only meant it verbally. I did not enjoy the experience and I regret it a million. Please can someone tell me I can be forgiven and move on having learnt my lesson?

OP posts:
BasicMadeira · 22/05/2021 02:48

Hey, don't beat yourself up like this. You did something you now regret you are wiser now. That's okay. No one is perfect. Head to bed and if you can give yourself a nice day tomorrow.

Gothichouse40 · 22/05/2021 02:50

From your post, you sound distressed. I would consider talking to an organisation like Rape Crisis, just to get some general advice and for someone to talk to. If you feel really bad phone the Samaritans who will also provide a listening ear. From what I can make out, I don't like the sound of this man. Please do not see him again. Go and make yourself a drink of tea and put a couple of sugars in it. Im very sorry this has happened and that you are very upset. Please take care and do talk to someone, one of the organisations I have named or a very trusted friend. Samaritans are 24 hour service.

PeachMelba78 · 22/05/2021 02:52

We all make mistakes, you have realised that this was a mistake. Sounds like he coerced you to some extent too. Please be kind to yourself

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
R0tational · 22/05/2021 02:56

Thank you for not having a go at me. I dont care about feeling violated to be honest and I dont even care about the rapey vibes, I just feel bad he was married. I literally kept brushing him off at the beginning and then I think I did "tease" him by saying some stuff about partners etc. I thought it was just harmless but dirty talk. Not even dirty talk, just like "oh i had great sex recently". I thought it was just flirting and he would be happy with that and leave. It was after i did that he kept pushing my boundaries. I just let him. I did NOT want him to touch me. I did keep saying no.
God whatever. Idiot. I have learnt my lesson. I just hope his poor wife doesnt ever find out. I shouldnt have put myself in that situation. It was own fault. Some men are absolutely VILE.

OP posts:
Palavah · 22/05/2021 03:03

Please stop beating yourself up about this for now.

You said no - this was rape. Give Rape Crisis a call and have a chat with them about it.

Noone is judging you here.

Palavah · 22/05/2021 03:05

You are NOT to blame for his actions. You are NOT to blame for him doing this whole married. Yes, what he did was vile. That's oj him not on you. You said no.

Journeynotdestination · 22/05/2021 03:06

The fact you feel bad shows what a really good person you are... even though HE is in the wrong you feel bad because he is married. He sounds very manipulative and basically took advantage of you. Try not to beat yourself up, you made a mistake but some people are very good at manipulating others and it sounds like this is what he did.
Wipe the slate clean. Definitely block him OP, he’s bad news. Drink some water, take a paracetamol and go to bed. Wake up tomorrow and put it behind you and know you did nothing wrong. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow and some self care. If you strongly feel he coerced you or you have been sexually taken advantage of then seek advice from a helpline. Don’t feel bad. Try to get some sleep x

PeachMelba78 · 22/05/2021 03:06

Ok you said no, he did it anyway, you have been raped. Please call Rape Crisis as the PP suggested and get a cup of tea, biscuits etc to make sure you are eating and drinking as it sounds like you are in shock which is to be expected.

Blacktothepink · 22/05/2021 03:20

It’s not your fault for letting him in and drinking. It sounds like he’s assaulted you and you didn’t want it to happen. You pushed him away and said no and he carried on regardless.

Blacktothepink · 22/05/2021 03:21

Also the fact he’s married is neither here nor there. The fact you said no is.

subbysammiexoxo · 22/05/2021 03:27

You said no in the beginning just because you 'took it' doesn't deny it being rape , you saying no at any point means he should stop and reevaluate with you report it

Original poster
R0tational · 22/05/2021 03:36

Thank you. I am starting to feel sleepy. I will feel better when I have spoken to a friend tomorrow.

It was like he kept pushing one boundary after another and being bossy "dont pull your top down" , "i didnt ask you to do it, i told you to. etc.. Thank god I was on my period as an excuse.
I wasnt scared at any point , just wanted to avoid social awkwardness by complying.

I will go to sleep now.
Thank you for you thoughts and advice.
I just want to put it behind me.

I'm actually not even dating or lookiing to right now. I have been trying focus on myself. I literally thought it would be a fun deep chat, just a little adventure. Physical intimacy was not on the agenda.

OP posts:
Original poster
R0tational · 22/05/2021 03:39

I said no over and over. Several times. I would be happy for someone to hear the audio to judge me. It was clear. Sometimes I did it politely, other times I told him I to behave, reminded him I dont do this with married men... I said it in lots of ways.

OK. Goodnight.

Honestly thank you so so so much for talking me down.

OP posts:
RoisinL · 22/05/2021 03:42

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s not your fault, so please don’t blame yourself. I hope you’re ok x

GroovyPeanut · 22/05/2021 03:43

I hope you manage to get some sleep OP.
Flowers

MyMajesty · 22/05/2021 03:52

Block this creep. He's the one at fault, not you.
Have a good sleep.

Mandalay246 · 22/05/2021 04:12

Of course you can be forgiven OP. You did nothing wrong, he put pressure on you and you gave in - we all make mistakes. He is an utter creep and you have nothing to blame yourself for. Flowers

OssieShowman · 22/05/2021 04:47

He was in the wrong. He coerced you when you said no. Then went on and on. He has taken advantage of you and forced himself on you. This is not right.

BusterGonad · 22/05/2021 05:01

He took advantage of you, it does sound like sexual assault tbh. You sound in shock.

Inkanta · 22/05/2021 05:02

Hope you're okay OP Flowers He sounds like a right sex pest. Mistakes make us grow.

Darker · 22/05/2021 05:10

It sounds like you have had a horrible experience being pressurised and coerced into doing stuff you didn’t want to do. That’s not ok. It doesn’t matter if you were drinking.

I hope that by the time you read this you’ll have had some sleep and things will feel a bit clearer. Take care x

isthismylifenow · 22/05/2021 05:44

Morning OP, hope you managed to sleep.

He has 100% manipulated you. It does not matter if you were flirting etc beforehand, when the time came you said no and he ignored that.

I think you are in shock, as pp said.

Do not message him again, even if he has replied to you. Block him right now.

It's a good idea to meet up with your friend today as you need to speak to someone irl.

💐

itsgettingwierd · 22/05/2021 05:53

Please stop beating yourself up.

You laid down your boundaries and he kept pushing those. It's hard not to just give in at some point.

And you didn't do anything wrong with regards he has a wife. You aren't married that's his responsibility to be faithful to his partners.

I also agree to speak to Rape crisis or similar. You shouldn't be feeling this bad after a night in with a man and as if you felt pressurised to relax your boundaries.

You're a good person for having those boundaries.

mathanxiety · 22/05/2021 06:31

This man sounds like a well-practiced predator.

I doubt he is married, or went back to his wife after something you said.

That was something that sounded 'deep' just to flatter you and get you to believe he wanted to have a chat.

You should call Rape Crisis and talk over what happened. You didn't deserve it at all. You had an encounter with someone who has raped women before and will do it again.

Bellringer · 22/05/2021 06:35

Hope you are ok today. What a creep, feel sorry for the wife too.
It's a learning curve, honestly if someone took your bag, reserved seat etc you would kick off but somehow we can't be forceful to protect ourselves. No is no, not your fault, put it behind you, or follow it up if you wish. Wish you well

Swipe left for the next trending thread