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Is anyone awake? Something unsettling happend.handhold pls. Trigger warning

41 replies

R0tational · 22/05/2021 02:39

Hey. Is there any chance I can talk to someone please. I am feeling a bit unsettled. A guy came over and stuff happened and I didnt want to but went along with it and now feel like I made a mistake. I feel really stupid and naive. He recently got back with an ex. Why did I think he would be ok with a platonic drink. I thought it was just gonna be a chat with someone. I am such an idiot. I just let him get on with it and persuade me. I just made up some rules in my head and didnt cross those. The main reason I didnt want to is cos he has a wife. I pushed him away ("cheeky" come ons) for ages and just felt worn down. I hate that I made that choice under duress cos he was right there. If i had known the even was gonna turn out like that I woukd not have let me in. I met him on a dating app while he was separated. We exchanged just a few messages and he disappeared/ghosted and I wasnt too bothered. But he popped up a few days ago and said he wanted to tell me how some stuff I said made him return to his ex and try again. I literally thought he wanted to just chat. I feel so angry at myself because I should have known better and I thought my boundaries were improving. Please dont hate me for doing something with a guy who is attached. I didnt mean to and I felt ashamed. I did keep saying no at the beginning and then just went along with it. It wasnt rape because I just thought it was easier to go along with most of it. I am so dumb. I wish it wasnt the middle of the night. I am really sorry. I wont let myself in that situation again. I know his place of work and live in a small town etc so I litersally thought he would be ... I dont know... like not try anything on. I thought there might be mild harmless flirting but not this. I am happy cos I didnt let him in me. I am so dumb. Im sorry. Really I am. Its my fault for letting him in and drinking. Idiot. I have sent him a message I dont want to see him again and that I feel guilt. I hope he just leaves me alone and I can put this in the past as a learning experience. Is that OK? Please dont pile on to me. I dont want to be and didnt want to be a OW. That is not ok at all. I wont do that again. By do that I mean put myself in the situation. Please believe me I did NOT think it would escalate like that. The flirting happened and I probably acted like a tease. I only meant it verbally. I did not enjoy the experience and I regret it a million. Please can someone tell me I can be forgiven and move on having learnt my lesson?

OP posts:
Choccorocco · 22/05/2021 06:42

Hi OP I’m sorry to hear what happened. Please do forgive yourself, you sound like a lovely person - it’s him who should be ashamed of his behaviour, both because of his infidelity and his persistence when you told him no. I hope you managed to sleep ok.

I’ve been in a similar situation. I still wish I hadn’t gone along with it (only let him in because he was shouting outside my flat in the middle of the night) but I’m a lot clearer about my boundaries now and I never made that mistake again.

Lots of hugs to you xx

Snorkello · 22/05/2021 06:46

I’m so sorry to hear this has happened op.

I agree with the pp to call rape crisis. He coerced you into a sexual activity when you said no. He should have stopped. They will give you the right support. Coercive sexual behaviour is not okay irrespective of the situation.

There is no judgement here. You shouldn’t have had to go through this. It’s predatory behaviour and it’s not okay.

The fact that women experience this kind of behaviour makes me so mad. It is not on you to validate or justify his behaviour because you flirted. That is not an invite to sex. It’s also not on you if he is going around cheating on his wife, so please don’t feel bad.

I hope you feel better soon. Sending hugs Flowers

RhapsodyandAshe · 22/05/2021 06:49

If you have audio of the lead up, play it to your friend today and see what they think. If they think he sounds like he is coercing you, take it to the police.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

GreenWasabi · 22/05/2021 07:00

Please try not to feel bad, so many of us have been in that situation, you are not an idiot, we are all shaped by our experiences, good and bad, take comfort in the fact that in the future you will be able to recognise when you are conforming to someone else's expectations instead of what you really want.

Guavafish · 22/05/2021 07:43

Sorry to hear about your situation and like everyone had advices to contact rape crisis

UpTheJunktion · 22/05/2021 08:27

I hope you got some sleep OP.

wasnt scared at any point , just wanted to avoid social awkwardness by complying

This has affected so many of us. As women we are socialised to make people happy, in the UK our whole communication culture is to evade and ‘be polite’ rather than calmly be clear about our boundaries.

His marriage / fidelity isn’t your responsibility so don’t feel guilty. But you have made a good and string choice not to sleep with married men on your own terms. Because men who cheat are sleazes, and because they are not available and you have a right to choose not to be a shag.

His fidelity was his responsibility, and respecting your boundaries was his responsibility and he failed.

Men like this do not deserve our delicacy around social awkwardness.

Do not turn this on yourself and blame yourself OP, but what you could take from this for the future is that we do not have to explain ‘no’.

There is no argument against it.

It doesn’t have to be ‘because I don’t sleep with married men’ or ‘because I have my period’ . “No. I do not want to and I do not feel comfort with this. Stop now” said firmly and decisively, not pleadingly.

It takes practice because we are not brought up with these communication skills. Say it out loud now, and again tomorrow. And move forward, don’t look back.

I hope talking with your friend helps you.

Have a good day - this vile creep doesn’t deserve to spoil any more of your time.

R0tational · 22/05/2021 12:44

Thanks for the comfort and kind words. I feel weird and a bit going round in citcles in my head. My friend said I could have avoided the situation by not inviting him around, which I agree with, but makes me want to defend myself because I never indicated any desire for any physical ... anything.
I want to try and move on and forget this somehow but I guess I have to process it.

OP posts:
UpTheJunktion · 22/05/2021 13:06

Hindsight is easy.

Maybe you were looking for company, attention, friendship, the relationship that never was because he got back with his Ex...have a good think about what was going on, just to understand your own self.

But in the end, whatever your thoughts and feelings about inviting him back he had no business to co-erce, cajole, persuade, 'tell' you anything. He was at fault. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

Find your anger, feel angry with him, block him from all platforms and move on.

Good luck, OP.

CausingChaos2 · 22/05/2021 13:27

You said no. It was rape.

You did nothing wrong by inviting him round for a chat, and you couldn’t have changed his actions. He made a choice about what was going to happen. Please speak to rape crisis and don’t blame yourself.

Freyaismyname · 22/05/2021 13:52

This reply has been deleted

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UpTheJunktion · 22/05/2021 14:21

@CausingChaos2

You said no. It was rape.

You did nothing wrong by inviting him round for a chat, and you couldn’t have changed his actions. He made a choice about what was going to happen. Please speak to rape crisis and don’t blame yourself.

She did specify that there was no penetrative sex.

Unless I have read that wrongly.

CausingChaos2 · 22/05/2021 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post.

R0tational · 22/05/2021 16:53

My main error was letting him into my house and thinking I could be a tease (with words) and he would be able to tolerate it and leave it and that.

I did not consent because when he said "touch me", I said no several times. When he tried to kiss me I pushed him away and said no. When he grabbed by breasts and pulled my top up I said NO. I SAID NO REPEATEDLY AND CLEARLY to him. I can only imagine he thought I was playing har to get and said I wasnt and I didnt want to do it. At times he would sit back and then just try again a minute or two later. At some point I obviousky thought it would be easier to grin and best the experience than him getting annoyed at me and leaving with an argument. I exchanged my dignity for peace.

I did not want no string sex. It's just not my thing right now. Who cares what the truth is. Next time any man touches me and theyre getting my wrath and more. Entitled fucking bastarding cunts.

OP posts:
R0tational · 22/05/2021 17:38

Sorry for going on an on about it. It's my way of processing it before I can move on I think.
Not much more to say. Thank you again to everybody. It is comforting to know I can call a helpline although I dont think I need/want that as it was a one off incident where I gave him the power to do what he did. I could have more crossly assertively said no.

I messaged him to say how I felt and all he had was "you're not getting rid of me that easily". After that, I had to simply type again and again "I do not want to be friends" and "please do not message me, thank you for respecting my decision". He is also completely deluded by saying " we are already friends" and "we clicked". Absolute nonsense! We have spoken once and I have spoken to him in a friendly way as I speak to anyone. There was no connection, he is just unfulfilled in his marriage and desperate for attention. Unfortunately I have to explain I am NOT up for that. Prick.

I am not blocking him as I dont want to piss him off. Who know what he would do - he could come round to talk or something.

OP posts:
Darker · 22/05/2021 19:09

If this dialogue continues you must be 100% clear that you don’t want any further contact. It sounds like he exploits any politeness on your part to put pressure on you.

mathanxiety · 22/05/2021 19:22

Since you have told him that he is not to contact you again, you now need to block him on your phone and on any SM he may be able to use to contact you.

If he tries to contact you again you need to go to the police.

Please keep all the texts or emails or messages on the dating app. Don't delete any. You can show them to the police if he tries to contact you again.

This is your only way to protect yourself.
Trying to avoid pissing him off is going to result in you being stalked and probably victimised again. This is an experienced rapist you are dealing with.

The mindset and the pattern where you do anything for peace is terribly harmful to you and you need to seek help in changing it. You must stop running scared of making people angry.

Please, please get help for this - Women's Aid run a programme called the Freedom Programme which will help you understand what's going on here and start making different decisions.

Women's Aid number is 0808 2000 247

BLOCK HIM

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