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Original poster

Doesn’t want the baby but wants us to work

36 replies

Welshlamb29 · 21/05/2021 20:39

Please be kind I’m already in bits

To cut a long story short I have been ‘dating’ a good friend for the past few months. He has always made it clear he doesn’t want any more children and I respect that. Well I have since found out I am pregnant. It wasn’t planned of course, I’m on the mini pill and I’m not ready for another baby myself, but I have decided to keep the baby. He is being supportive in his words but he has adamantly said he does not want to be involved in raising the baby, but that he really wants us to work. I must admit I am heartbroken as I have recently admitted to myself I have fallen for him hard, which I rarely allow due to permanently having my guard up after DV. Part of me hopes it is the shock and he will be ok with it over time, but I’m upset he is essentially asking to be with me but ignore his own baby? Of course my baby will always come first, there is no question of a doubt. Can anyone give any words of wisdom to help me stay positive please? Has anyone been through this and he did have a relationship with the baby? I know most of you will say to dump him and concentrate on the baby, of course that’s my goal, but I don’t feel ready to give up on him if there’s a chance he might change his mind.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2021 20:44

Why wasn’t he wearing a condom?

How far along are you?

He’s been pretty clear. It sounds like he’s saying you need to have an abortion in order for him to keep seeing you.

He obviously can’t pretend there isn’t a baby if you’re determined to go ahead so you couldn’t keep dating.

Most people wouldn’t be thrilled to have a baby on the way after a few months. That’s why you were taking the pill. That’s why you both should have insisted on condoms. But you’re here now and while you don’t want to hear you’ll have to split up what possible other option is there?

Do you both already have kids?

Bancha · 21/05/2021 20:45

I’m so sorry, this sounds awful. Only you can know what he means, if you ask him! If he thinks he can be with you and have no part in raising his own child... well I feel like it would be impossible to even have feelings for someone who would suggest anything like that. That’s really shocking. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thinkaboutthings · 21/05/2021 20:46

Eh? How would that work? In a relationship with you but without the baby?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy

EastWestWhosBest · 21/05/2021 20:48

Oh that’s tricky.

He wants to have his cake and eat it really.
Either you separate and he sees the baby every so often or you have a relationship including the baby.
You can’t have a relationship but he doesn’t have anything to do with his own child.

daisychain01 · 21/05/2021 20:49

This will sound harsh, but it sounds like you're both in denial.

You think he doesn't want to be involved with the baby due to shock - no, he's always told you from the start that he doesn't want any more children.

He doesn't want to be involved with the baby as he is in denial that you're having it, and thinks you can just carry on as normal, as if the baby doesn't exist.

You both need to get realistic very quickly that you have baby on the way. You'll be involved because you're having it. He can either choose to stick around or move on, but either way he needs to take his responsibilities towards that child seriously with financial support and hopefully involvement in building a relationship with him/her.

Original poster

Welshlamb29 · 21/05/2021 20:50

I think he wants to come over as if there isn’t a baby or that it isn’t his so he doesn’t have to put the work in. He has said I should have the baby because he can see I really want it, but he doesn’t. No mention of abortion. He has a 3 year old with his ex wife. I have a 10 year old and 9 year old. I’m only about 5 weeks gone. He’s been ‘perfect’ up to this point but realistically I know any man who is willing to ignore their own flesh and blood isn’t the man they appear to be. I just couldn’t do that to my baby knowing their dad doesn’t want them but comes over anyway. I just don’t know where to go from here.

OP posts:

FourTeaFallOut · 21/05/2021 20:51

@Thinkaboutthings

Eh? How would that work? In a relationship with you but without the baby?

Eh, how's that going to work? What's he going to do? Take you out on dates and pretend the baby isn't his?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2021 20:52

Whether you keep this baby or not, the relationship is over. That's the reality. Now you have to be sure you are able to handle another baby on your own.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/05/2021 20:54

It’s pretty clear you can’t keep seeing him. What he’s suggesting is an absolute toxic nightmare of dysfunction (pop over for sex and a chat, deny the existence of his baby).

DenisetheMenace · 21/05/2021 20:55

How the hell does he expect you to “work” if he wants f all to do with his child?

If he was so concerned, he ought to have taken responsibility for contraception himself.

The whole “wanting us to work” is his not so subtly manipulative way of trying to force you into a termination.

Namechange1067949 · 21/05/2021 20:59

@Welshlamb29

Well done op for recognising all of this and putting you and your baby’s needs ahead of this mans You’ve obviously had a difficult history, but please don’t get yourself trapped or taken advantage of by this man who wants everything on his terms.

If you want the baby you should keep the baby, but you should do so knowing you are going to walk away from this situation with him

MargosKaftan · 21/05/2021 20:59

This relationship is dead in the water.

So do you want to have a 3rd dc on your own or do you want to abort?

ViceLikeBlip · 21/05/2021 21:05

You have to make your own decision completely independently of him. You can't terminate in the hope that the relationship will "work". You can't keep the baby in the hope that he'll come round to it.

Do what you actually want to do, and if things do end up working out with this guy then that's a bonus.

Ps if he really means he wants to come over and shag you, and ignore the child? That's not someone who would be in my life. Fwiw if you have this child, then he's legally responsible, whether or not he "chooses" to be involved 🙄

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2021 21:07

Is having another child, without a partner, what's best for your existing children? That should be your main point of concern.

Flowerclock · 21/05/2021 21:07

Tell him it cannot work if he does not accept his child.

What is his relationship like with his three year old? Why do I get the impression he was similar towards his ex with them?

Original poster

Welshlamb29 · 21/05/2021 21:18

Thanks everyone it’s just what I needed to hear to get some strength to deal with it

He’s great with his 3 year old he has her every weekend, that’s why I cannot understand how he’d ignore his own baby knowing how much his daughter means to him whether you want another baby or not you just have to be a responsible adult and get on with it

OP posts:

DietC0keandLime · 21/05/2021 21:23

I know he didn't specifically say he wanted you to have an abortion but I feel like that ultimately would be what he wanted and he is/will be trying to emotionally blackmail you into having one.

He doesn't sound like a very nice man.

Akire · 21/05/2021 21:32

He wants to pop over and see you and have relationship ie sex but he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby or any future babies? If you have decided to keep the baby then all credit but you need let him go. Unless there is a chance he will change his mind. You want to be able to move on with the rest of your life, you can’t if you in some strange relationship with him. You can bet your bottom dollar he ditch you as soon as something better comes along.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2021 22:12

Do you want the baby if he disappears tomorrow, you never see him again, he never pays a penny in child support and you’ve got 3 on your own? That’s the possibility you need to be working with.

Neither of you wanted a baby. You’ve hardly been dating long. So you can see why he’s not jumping for joy. If you’re very sure you can do it alone then crack on and dump him, you won’t have the time for a casual boyfriend with your hands full of 3 kids and providing everything they need.

Obviously entirely your choice but why are so keen to have a baby in these circumstances?

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 21/05/2021 22:33

@Welshlamb29

Thanks everyone it’s just what I needed to hear to get some strength to deal with it

You seem to be clinging on to the idea that he'll come round.

He won't. You need to face the fact you'll be doing this alone.

A pp was right in the fact that you need to consider how this will affect your existing 2 children and factor into any decision what's best for them.

Returnoftheowl · 21/05/2021 22:39

@Aquamarine1029

Whether you keep this baby or not, the relationship is over. That's the reality. Now you have to be sure you are able to handle another baby on your own.

Absolutely this. He's clearly not the man you thought he was. He can't have a relationship with you but pretend the baby doesn't exist.

You need to do what's best for you and your older children.

Carbara · 22/05/2021 00:27

’their dad doesn’t want them but comes over anyway’
So the ‘coming over’ would presumably be for sex, whilst discarding the new kid, and you as the mother? Appalling.
Having his existing kid ‘every weekend’ is fuckin pathetic, by the way. Deadbeat. Put all thoughts of this sperminator out of your mind and consider your future as a single mother, how all aspects of that would work. This bloke is phenomenally stupid and repugnant, hope he figures out how to use condoms, for his next girlfriend.

EnglishRain · 22/05/2021 00:35

I agree with the poster who says what's best for your 9 and 10 year old. Is raising a third child single handedly going to be in their best interests? Before you have any children it's about you and the baby you're pregnant with. But you have two other children to consider here too. You can't bank on this bloke being around for financial or emotional support, you have to bank on doing it completely alone, whilst also parenting your other two children.

Maggiesfarm · 22/05/2021 00:56

@Aquamarine1029

Is having another child, without a partner, what's best for your existing children? That should be your main point of concern.

Yes, that 100%.

Op, you are only five weeks pregnant.

Regularsizedrudy · 22/05/2021 00:59

He’s knows what he is suggesting is totally mental and unworkable, he’s just hoping you’ll have an abortion but won’t say it. He doesn’t sound like a nice man. If he was adamant he didn’t want more kids why didn’t he wear a condom?

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