Doesn’t want the baby but wants us to work

[Welshlamb29]

Please be kind I’m already in bits

To cut a long story short I have been ‘dating’ a good friend for the past few months. He has always made it clear he doesn’t want any more children and I respect that. Well I have since found out I am pregnant. It wasn’t planned of course, I’m on the mini pill and I’m not ready for another baby myself, but I have decided to keep the baby. He is being supportive in his words but he has adamantly said he does not want to be involved in raising the baby, but that he really wants us to work. I must admit I am heartbroken as I have recently admitted to myself I have fallen for him hard, which I rarely allow due to permanently having my guard up after DV. Part of me hopes it is the shock and he will be ok with it over time, but I’m upset he is essentially asking to be with me but ignore his own baby? Of course my baby will always come first, there is no question of a doubt. Can anyone give any words of wisdom to help me stay positive please? Has anyone been through this and he did have a relationship with the baby? I know most of you will say to dump him and concentrate on the baby, of course that’s my goal, but I don’t feel ready to give up on him if there’s a chance he might change his mind.

Before I met Dh, I was with someone like this.

He said, “I wouldn’t necessarily stop seeing you just because you had a baby.”

It would have been his baby too the utter dickhead. He was told to fuck got there and then because Jesus Christ, what a thing to say. It showed me who he really was as a person and also just how stupid he was.

(I miscarried at 7 weeks).

And the “funny” thing about that ^^ situation is that he never knew I miscarried. We had no mutual friends etc. After he walked out the door he never contacted me again, this was 23 years ago, I didn’t even have a mobile phone then! I’ve often wondered what he thought happened.

The very fact that he is suggesting this means he is not a good man. Opie it sounds to me like you need to do some more work on your boundaries if you think about this for even a second.

How cruel and unusual to date the mother but ignore your own child, that would mess anyone up for life.

You need to get your head around being a single parent. Sounds like he has no plans to see this child at all, this will be difficult for you as he has a relationship with his other child.

He's trying to manipulate you into abortion. Whatever you do, do not stay with that man.

Sounds like a shit to me.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Do you want the baby if he disappears tomorrow, you never see him again, he never pays a penny in child support and you’ve got 3 on your own? That’s the possibility you need to be working with.

Neither of you wanted a baby. You’ve hardly been dating long. So you can see why he’s not jumping for joy. If you’re very sure you can do it alone then crack on and dump him, you won’t have the time for a casual boyfriend with your hands full of 3 kids and providing everything they need.

Obviously entirely your choice but why are so keen to have a baby in these circumstances?

All of this. Perhaps it's because he's quite hands on with his 3 year old and has her each weekend that he doesn't want another. I don't think he's acting well by saying he wants nothing to do with any potential baby, but I also can't blame him for not wanting another child when it's a casual relationship with 3 children already between you.

What do you think will be the impact on you and your DCs if you end up raising another baby alone? Because you have to assume that will be the outcome.

He said be didn't want another child, I don't think it'll do you any favours to cling onto hope that he will change his mind.

Well, you've both laid your cards on the table. I think you could end it now or you could say that the relationship ends when the baby arrives and continue as normal until then. I think that's what I'd do. I'd make it clear that no relationship with him will be possible once the baby arrives unless he's willing to be involved (what single mum of a newborn has time for a relationship anyway?)

He may change his mind in the interim but I wouldn't hang my hat on it if I were you.

How’s that going to work you’ll be exhausted and there’ll be a baby there when he visits!
Agree with other posters he’s in denial, he also doesn’t sound very nice. I hope he comes around and is just in shock. But you need to be prepared that perhaps he won’t come around and in that case you’ll be raising three children on your own, financially and emotionally.

He’s shown you who he really is.
Either way the relationship has ended.
Now you need to decide how to proceed with this pregnancy.