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Original poster

Is he doing this deliberately?

29 replies

FictionalCharacter · 20/05/2021 23:27

I work in a small team, all WFH at the moment, and we have a video call twice a week, same days and times. Not a formal meeting but we have a lot to get through in a limited time.

One woman shares work space with her DH who is also WFH but not all the time. Without fail, 5 minutes after we’ve started he makes a phone call and starts talking in a very loud, booming voice. Ridiculously loud, like something from a comedy sketch. We all have to stop talking because it’s impossible to hear her and anyone else. She politely reminds him she’s on a call and he loudly stomps out. Then stomps back again. Every time.

Last week she started joining the meeting from her kitchen or garden. Wherever she is, he appears behind her, stomping and clumping around, talking and interrupting her.

Is he just being inconsiderate? Because it seems to me this is deliberate, either some kind of weird territorial behaviour, or he’s doing it to disrespect her work and show that he’s more important. My DH wouldn’t dream of doing that when I’m on a call.

I’ve noticed in general that female workmates get interrupted by DPs on calls quite often, or the DP wanders around behind them. I haven’t yet seen a male colleague’s DW do this to them.

It’s reminded me of the MNer some years ago whose DH hated it when her friends came round, and used to constantly walk through the room when they were there, muttering comments and making them feel unwelcome.

Is this just rudeness or something more?

OP posts:

IND1A · 20/05/2021 23:29

I agree it’s deliberate and it’s about control.

DramaAlpaca · 20/05/2021 23:32

Yes, that's very deliberate. He's trying to undermine her.

confusedwithschool · 20/05/2021 23:34

I totally agree with PP. It's about control and he is trying to frustrate her for some odd reason.

Some egocentric a.... who probably has a complex because his wife works...

Original poster

FictionalCharacter · 21/05/2021 02:16

Yes, exactly - control. I find him a quite intimidating presence on the screen behind her.

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 21/05/2021 02:33

It's a horrible situation for her. Can the team leader send an email to remind everyone that for professional reasons other members of their household should not be in the same room or interrupting work meetings?

Hopefully she can show him this and point out she's getting complaints about him. Ultimately, WFH has to be carried out to the same standard you would expect in the office and him twatting about in every call must be affecting productivity.

Justilou1 · 21/05/2021 03:24

She must be mortified. I think an email from work could be more sensitively expressed than above... More along the lines of "Are you okay. We have all noticed that your DP keeps following you around wherever you are and you can't seem to escape him. His behaviour seems at best inappropriate, at worst, it's abusive. If you need help, please don't hesitate to contact us. we can get you out of there."

MadMadMadamMim · 21/05/2021 03:42

@Justilou1

Wow. I work as a manager and feel this would be massively stepping across personal and professional boundaries to be telling a colleague her husband is demonstrating abusive behaviour. And saying we can get you out of there! Id be lucky not to be facing a gross misconduct charge, I think.

Justilou1 · 21/05/2021 04:37

Maybe a bit too much, I meant from a friend, not from work officially. It might shame him into not being such an obnoxious arse.
Maybe a message stating that then... ? Can you please stop your DH from strutting around crowing like a cockerel in the background while we’re trying to have meetings? He’s embarrassing himself.

midsomermurderess · 21/05/2021 05:49

While not as jaw-droppingly inappropriate as the first suggestion, the second one is still stepping way over the mark and very unprofessional communication.

Kocduw · 21/05/2021 05:55

How about getting her to mute so she is invoved but it pisses on his interuption bonfire?

Checkingout811 · 21/05/2021 05:58

I get the second response may be inappropriate, but it may also be the life line she needs. Are any of the colleagues close enough to reach out and check she is okay?
I’m speaking from personal experience, she might really need someone’s help.

NewMatress · 21/05/2021 05:59

What ever it is, she could improve matters a lot by using a headset and muting unless she's speaking. Isn't that standard by now anyway?

SylHellais · 21/05/2021 06:23

@Justilou1

Good lord, this is a bit ott and I think it would embarrass her even more. Please don’t email her this.

It reminds me of the MNer in lockdown 1 whose DH kept interrupting the kids’ Zoom classes by making faces and clowning about behind them. It’s annoying, attention-seeking behaviour and in the circumstance above is clearly being done to undermine or distract her. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything you can do from a work perspective apart from make sure everyone is on mute when not speaking. Alternatively, she could use headphones rather than the mic on the laptop and not use video.

Botanica · 21/05/2021 06:27

I think this is a deliberate attention seeking, controlling, undermining behaviour.

There was a thread on here not so long ago where someone's partner did similar every time she had a zoom call for her leisure interest.

Justilou1 · 21/05/2021 06:29

I did specify that this would be coming from a colleague who knows her as a friend, not from bloody HR, btw.
What if she’s not okay?

Botanica · 21/05/2021 06:29

If you're on MS teams you can blur or change your background, and also there's a setting that drowns out all background noise and only detects your voice.

Great for blocking out children, dogs, and inconsiderate partners.

NewMatress · 21/05/2021 06:35

@Botanica

If you're on MS teams you can blur or change your background, and also there's a setting that drowns out all background noise and only detects your voice.

Great for blocking out children, dogs, and inconsiderate partners.

This is a good point and in fact, compulsory when attending meetings from home where I work.

SylHellais · 21/05/2021 06:53

@Botanica

If you're on MS teams you can blur or change your background, and also there's a setting that drowns out all background noise and only detects your voice.

Great for blocking out children, dogs, and inconsiderate partners.

Yes, this! I’d forgotten you could do this. Perhaps ask the whole team to start doing it so she doesn’t feel singled out. She’s obviously aware that his behaviour has been noticed, poor woman. Honestly, why do some men have to be such dickheads?

GoldenOmber · 21/05/2021 07:23

He is doing it deliberately and I’d bet that whatever equipment or settings she tries, he’ll still find a way to clomp in and interrupt her. Poor woman.

picturesandpickles · 21/05/2021 07:56

@Justilou1

I did specify that this would be coming from a colleague who knows her as a friend, not from bloody HR, btw. What if she’s not okay?

You just can't do this at work. All you can do is ask if someone is OK. You can't pass any sort of comment on them or their life.

One thing that could be done is if the meetings are confidential, work could specify that she should be in a room on her own and her screen not be visible (i.e. people shouldn't be behind her). I do finance work that includes salaries os am not allowed to discuss that with other people in the room.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 21/05/2021 09:23

My god. Awful but not for work to interfere or single out. It could be a child coming in constantly etc., some people have limited space at home. Onus on work to make it as easy as possible. I like the Teams suggestion. Unless she is talking she should be on mute.

DownWhichOfLate · 21/05/2021 09:27

Can she go to a bedroom and close the door? Depending on how portable her work computer is.

DownWhichOfLate · 21/05/2021 09:28

Or fashion a work cubicle out of cardboard boxes? . But, yeah, he sounds like an attention seeking dick.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/05/2021 10:19

Can she go to a bedroom and close the door? Depending on how portable her work computer is.

Unless it has a bolt on the door, you can guarantee that laughing boy would 'need' to be in there too - maybe claim he's struggling to get mobile reception anywhere else.

I agree that you have to tread very carefully from a professional/work standpoint, but his behaviour does sound abusive and controlling. You'd expect her to pull him up on it and tell him it has to stop - even apologise loudly to her colleagues at the meeting that her DH struggles with the concepts of 'indoor voices' and consideration for others - but the fact that she says and does nothing does suggest that she might be in fear of him.

After all, if he were a considerate, reasonable sort that she could easily raise it with, she wouldn't need to raise it with him - because he wouldn't dream of being such an arse in the first place.

HollowTalk · 21/05/2021 10:21

If only men like this knew what other people thought of them.

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