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Original poster

Not liking people based on the way they look.

41 replies

Rootsmanouvre · 19/05/2021 14:50

I went to school with my DH and his sister (sister 11 months older so same school year) and met him again aged 25 and married him. We are now all 40.

I’ve always got on well with his sister but I didn’t really know her (or him) at school. I remember chatting to her a couple of times, perfectly nicely but we weren’t friends.

We were taking about our formative years the other day and DSIL said “well you were a bitch at school” which took me aback as I really wasn’t. I asked her what she meant and she said “of course you were because you were skinny and pretty, I’d still think you were a bitch now if you hadn’t married DB”. She was laughing, like it was totally normal to dislike someone based on how they look.

This is not a boasting thread, I don’t think I’m skinny and pretty now, certainly not when I was a spotty insecure teenager. I wasn’t especially popular, I had a close group of friends but was mainly quiet, shy and academic.

It just shocked me that she perceived me to be a bitch as she perceived me to be skinnier and prettier than her. Is this a thing? I’ve seen threads from people saying they’re not liked as they’re too pretty and there was a lady in the press sometime back saying she was but honestly, I thought they were deluded!

Would you ever not like someone judge purely on how they looked?

OP posts:

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 19/05/2021 14:53

Of.course you shouldnt judge people on how they look, but I believe everyone does. You shouldnt act on it though.

So I guess younger me would decide not to like someone based on how they look, whereas adult me acknowledges that I do judge but chooses not to, act on it. Or I try very hard at least.

Wafflewombat · 19/05/2021 14:56

So rude.

Ilovelove · 19/05/2021 14:57

The problem is that as young people/children we have a developmental tendency to think in very black and white terms. Things are definite rather than acknowledged as merely perception.

When reflecting back on those years it’s very easy to slip into the thought pattern you had back then. Plus loads of people get stuck there and whilst their body ages they don’t necessarily mature.

So, the answer is yes - as a child/teen it is very possible to make made-up judgments about others that stick but are based on very little. We hope as an adult, people are more open, humbled through experience and emphatic.

Ummm..well we hope!!

MindtheBelleek · 19/05/2021 14:58

But presumably she was joking about the shallowness of her teenage judgements about a total stranger? Like when Carrie Fisher's character in When Harry Met Sally is telling Sally about Harry's beautiful new girlfriend, and says something like 'Blonde, big tits -- your basic nightmare.'

OldkermitSippingtea · 19/05/2021 15:09

The problem here isn't that she disliked you based on how you look (I think it's stupid to do but there you go) but that she made it your fault to dislike you by saying you were such a bitch.

I thought being called a bitch was about your actions/words towards someone.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/05/2021 15:18

I make judgements (in the broadest sense, not simply the “value judgement” way) about people based on e.g. how they’ve chosen to dress, and I presume that the image somebody chooses to portray is how they intend others to perceive them. If I’m honest, I probably also make assumptions about people based on their weight; though it doesn’t really occupy a lot of space in my mind. I can’t think of a time where I’ve made an assumption about whether somebody is a nice person or not based on their appearance, you can’t read character at that level from how somebody looks.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/05/2021 15:18

And agree with previous posters, deciding whether somebody is likeable or not based on anything on the outside is pointless.

Bluntness100 · 19/05/2021 15:21

This happens. Some women take an instant dislike to other women if they perceive them as more attractive, or even more successful or wealthier etc, it’s an envy thing and nothing to do with the person on the receiving end of it,

I suspect though your sister in law was giving you a back handed compliment to make you feel good.

MindtheBelleek · 19/05/2021 15:39

@Bluntness100

I suspect though your sister in law was giving you a back handed compliment to make you feel good.

Yes, I think this is probably true -- she was making both a joke about her own teenage shallowness and retrospectively bigging up your looks during your schooldays. She almost certainly meant it as a compliment to you.

Bluntness100 · 19/05/2021 15:40

Yes she was putting herself down and bigging you up. I suspect she’s a nice person or she likes you a lot.

Original poster

Rootsmanouvre · 19/05/2021 15:41

I don’t actually think she was joking saying she’d still think I was a bitch if I hadn’t married her brother. It felt like a dig rather than a backhanded compliment.

I’m probably being oversensitive though. It just made me sad to think that people would dislike someone (& potentially encourage others to do the same) based on assumptions without getting to know them.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 19/05/2021 15:45

Hmm weird, do you dislike Her? She you? Because it’s definitely a compliment so are we missing a back story?

PetuniaPot · 19/05/2021 15:49

I'd just forget it tbh.

Original poster

Rootsmanouvre · 19/05/2021 15:53

We have a rather unremarkable relationship. We’re very different but we’ve never fallen out. No back story. I’ll take it as a compliment 🙂

OP posts:

Toilenstripes · 19/05/2021 15:57

I have bad resting bitch face, so yeah, lots of people have said similar things to me. “I thought you were a bitch, but you’re not!” 🙄 Actually, I am.

HowToBringABlushToTheSnow · 19/05/2021 16:01

Well I guess so. If a person has insecurities about their looks or perceived attractiveness, then being around people they regard as much more appealing in the looks department may well develop into a dislike for that person/s, unfair as that is.

oldwhyno · 19/05/2021 16:01

I judge people all the time. I haven't even seen your SIl and I judge her to be a bit of a bitch herself.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 19/05/2021 16:11

I feel quite strongly that individual women's bodies aren't up for discussion/comment. It goes both ways - a comment about putting weight on can stick, equally a comment about being skinny can make you feel worthless because its reducing your qualities. Bodies age but we are so much more than this. That is what I believe and that is what I am sticking to.

I could probably play it out like I thought it was a joke for an easy life though, I mean its literally not your problem so why make it one.

OldkermitSippingtea · 19/05/2021 17:00

@Rootsmanouvre

We have a rather unremarkable relationship. We’re very different but we’ve never fallen out. No back story. I’ll take it as a compliment 🙂

I actually don't see it as a compliment. If it is, then it's a backhanded one but most importantly it tells me to be wary of her. Calling someone a bitch because you don't like her based in how she looks - a compliment? I must be out of touch on social rules.

OldkermitSippingtea · 19/05/2021 17:01

Based on*, not based in.

RickiTarr · 19/05/2021 17:06

@Bluntness100

Hmm weird, do you dislike Her? She you? Because it’s definitely a compliment so are we missing a back story?

Say what? How is it a compliment to say that someone “was a bitch” (and the reason that they were a bitch was that they were attractive)?

OldkermitSippingtea · 19/05/2021 17:07

@Toilenstripes

I have bad resting bitch face, so yeah, lots of people have said similar things to me. “I thought you were a bitch, but you’re not!” 🙄 Actually, I am.

To me this is different. Looking like you'd be mean/a bitch is one thing, saying you were a bitch (how?) because you had a certain body shape is odd at best.

I also have a terrible RBF and some friends have jokingly told me I look mean sometimes and they'd be scared to come near me if they didn't know me. It's said that way because they know I'm not a mean person at all (I can be though)

OldkermitSippingtea · 19/05/2021 17:09

@oldwhyno

I judge people all the time. I haven't even seen your SIl and I judge her to be a bit of a bitch herself.

Quite.

Insecure is my other judgement of her.

MrsVeryTired · 19/05/2021 17:16

Its definitely a thing, I had a good amount of hassle at school from a group of girls I had never even spoken to, and like you I was relatively quiet and academic. But I was slim and popular with boys, looking back I was nice looking and had a fab figure but my poor self esteem at the time meant I never saw it. Only comfortable and aware of my looks now I'm well over 40 and happy I look ok.

Calling someone a skinny bitch is definitely a "thing".

BinocularVision · 19/05/2021 17:30

@RickiTarr, I mean, I agree it's completely skewed logic and deeply shallow, but what she's saying is that without knowing the OP during her schooldays, the SIL decided she was a bitch out of sexual competitiveness because she was so pretty, and that, had she not got to know her subsequently because the OP married her brother, she would probably still think she was a bitch because she's still so pretty.

The same way you do hear some women I used to be amused at how often it happened at a baby group I used to bake for saying to one another 'I hate you, you can inhale a brownie and never put on an ounce!' or 'You bitch, I saw you going into the hairdressers the other day, and your hair looked better before it was done than mine does afterwards!'

It's kind of 'I hate you because you've got something I want' -- and the 'compliment' is in exposing that unspoken impulse of envy ('I wish I had your hair/figure/job/whatever') to the person.

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