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Original poster

Not liking people based on the way they look.

41 replies

Rootsmanouvre · 19/05/2021 14:50

I went to school with my DH and his sister (sister 11 months older so same school year) and met him again aged 25 and married him. We are now all 40.

I’ve always got on well with his sister but I didn’t really know her (or him) at school. I remember chatting to her a couple of times, perfectly nicely but we weren’t friends.

We were taking about our formative years the other day and DSIL said “well you were a bitch at school” which took me aback as I really wasn’t. I asked her what she meant and she said “of course you were because you were skinny and pretty, I’d still think you were a bitch now if you hadn’t married DB”. She was laughing, like it was totally normal to dislike someone based on how they look.

This is not a boasting thread, I don’t think I’m skinny and pretty now, certainly not when I was a spotty insecure teenager. I wasn’t especially popular, I had a close group of friends but was mainly quiet, shy and academic.

It just shocked me that she perceived me to be a bitch as she perceived me to be skinnier and prettier than her. Is this a thing? I’ve seen threads from people saying they’re not liked as they’re too pretty and there was a lady in the press sometime back saying she was but honestly, I thought they were deluded!

Would you ever not like someone judge purely on how they looked?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 19/05/2021 17:34

It's definitely a thing, and teenagers aren't known for their reasonable behaviour.
The bitchy clique at my school all dressed a certain way, all had the same make up, same bags, and they were unpleasant to anyone they thought wasn't cool enough. If I saw someone in another year group dressed like that then as a teen I'd have assumed they were similar to the cliquey girls in my year.

Bluntness100 · 19/05/2021 17:36

Say what? How is it a compliment to say that someone “was a bitch” (and the reason that they were a bitch was that they were attractive)?

I think you maybe need to reread as you’ve misunderstood. She didn’t just say she was a bitch, she said she was a bitch becayse she was skinny and pretty. Thr latter part being the compliment.

RickiTarr · 19/05/2021 17:37

[quote BinocularVision]@RickiTarr, I mean, I agree it's completely skewed logic and deeply shallow, but what she's saying is that without knowing the OP during her schooldays, the SIL decided she was a bitch out of sexual competitiveness because she was so pretty, and that, had she not got to know her subsequently because the OP married her brother, she would probably still think she was a bitch because she's still so pretty.

The same way you do hear some women I used to be amused at how often it happened at a baby group I used to bake for saying to one another 'I hate you, you can inhale a brownie and never put on an ounce!' or 'You bitch, I saw you going into the hairdressers the other day, and your hair looked better before it was done than mine does afterwards!'

It's kind of 'I hate you because you've got something I want' -- and the 'compliment' is in exposing that unspoken impulse of envy ('I wish I had your hair/figure/job/whatever') to the person.[/quote]
Okay, but accepting she thought that way as a youngster, I still find it completely sinister that she repeats it unabashed - as though it makes sense even - at 40.

Also there is a difference between the “I hate you, you can eat and eat and not gain an ounce” open joking that you describe happening at NCT, for example, and the poisonous culture of women hating and denigrating each other behind each other’s backs (which I absolutely recognise and know does go on). The latter is really nasty, jealousy-driven thing.

RickiTarr · 19/05/2021 17:38

@Bluntness100

Say what? How is it a compliment to say that someone “was a bitch” (and the reason that they were a bitch was that they were attractive)?

I think you maybe need to reread as you’ve misunderstood. She didn’t just say she was a bitch, she said she was a bitch becayse she was skinny and pretty. Thr latter part being the compliment.

I think you’re demented if you think that is a genuine compliment in that context. It’s nasty.
OldkermitSippingtea · 19/05/2021 17:38

@LolaSmiles

It's definitely a thing, and teenagers aren't known for their reasonable behaviour. The bitchy clique at my school all dressed a certain way, all had the same make up, same bags, and they were unpleasant to anyone they thought wasn't cool enough. If I saw someone in another year group dressed like that then as a teen I'd have assumed they were similar to the cliquey girls in my year.
I didn't read it like that or like the post above. If that was it, then I understand that sort of 'compliment'.

Maybe that where I'm going wrong because it sounds different to me from the usual I hate you, you're perfect (meaning I really don't hate you. I just think you're perfect)...or you look like you'd be a bitch because of x,y,z.

Susannahmoody · 19/05/2021 17:39

How on earth is that a compliment?!

OldkermitSippingtea · 19/05/2021 17:43

It's a very subtle difference that shows what she really thinks, which to me says she hates what OP looks like out of jealousy but because she's married to her brother now, she can deal with it.

LolaSmiles · 19/05/2021 17:45

OldkermitSippingtea
I've no idea how it was intended in the OP's situation, but teens definitely do judge others based on appearances and probably still hold those views as adults because our teen memories are through that lens.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/05/2021 17:50

Yes, it's a thing, it happened to me for years.
Someone who was supposedly my friend but we got to a certain age and she made my life hell.
We are actually friends now, and I've come to realise she is a very insecure person with a lot of problems, but as a teenager I was so insecure and just thought it was because I was so pathetic and unlikeable.
It wasn't until we were having a drink with other friends one day and she said something similar about me always having been the pretty one in the group that it clicked that maybe she had been jealous of me and that's what triggered the bullying.
My mum always used to tell me that but obviously you just think your mum is trying to be kind and has to say that because she's your mum.
My ds said similar to me recently, that he hates himself because he is ugly and weird and everyone stares at him. Ds is actually a stunner and everyone has told me that since he was a toddler, so I'm guessing someone has been picking on him a bit. He is adamant that's not the case but I just can't see why he would feel like that to the point he was actually crying.

BinocularVision · 19/05/2021 17:58

@RickiTarr, I agree it's skewed, unpleasant and comes from a bizarre gendered internalised value system based on women's bodies, but it makes 'sense' to the SIL and her type of woman. That the SIL who doesn't sound that bright almost certainly intends it as a genuine compliment doesn't make it any less unpalatable.

OldkermitSippingtea · 19/05/2021 17:58

@LolaSmiles

OldkermitSippingtea I've no idea how it was intended in the OP's situation, but teens definitely do judge others based on appearances and probably still hold those views as adults because our teen memories are through that lens.
Yes I know I agree with your post that it happens. I was just saying it sounds different from what OP describes. The one you described says someone looks like they'd be but not that someone is. I can say it would be the same if she said OP "looks like she'd be a bitch because she's pretty/slim and pretty/slim girls are usually bitches". But maybe that's what she meant.
LolaSmiles · 19/05/2021 18:17

I see your point, and the difference now OldkermitSippingteaSmile

Original poster
Rootsmanouvre · 19/05/2021 18:31

I think she meant I presumed you were a bitch because (she thought) I was prettier/skinnier. Perhaps she’d had a bad experience?

She is a very insecure person but I thought that had come as she got older as she hadn’t managed to get a career, or married or have kids. All perfectly valid lifestyle choices but not what she hoped for. She frequently tells my DH that she is jealous of him and his career and family but she’s mainly just teased me for being with her brother! Which again make her sound really immature but she is a bit like a 40 year old teenager tbh.

I’m not going to give it anymore headspace but I do think it’s really sad that women feel able to judge other women purely on their perception of how they look.

OP posts:
kittycat863 · 19/05/2021 18:45

Sounds to me like she was kind of giving you a compliment...that you weren't actually a bitch (and still aren't), even though she felt jealous of how pretty and skinny, etc. you were. Or at least seems like she perceived it to be a compliment.

Piepinkie · 19/05/2021 20:13

Your sister in law obviously has issues.

Take it as a compliment and forget about it.

oldwhyno · 20/05/2021 12:11

@OldkermitSippingtea Insecure for sure, and also I'm picking up a touch of Aggressive.

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