Please help me set house rules now left school/finished GCSEs

[endofgcses]

DS leaves school at the end of this week having completed "GCSEs".
As he has ASD I have controlled his usage of electronics and he has had to charge them downstairs overnight so he goes to sleep as he absolutely has no self control. I promised after GCSEs he will have phone etc in his room at night if he chooses and he will have to try to learn to self regulate usage.

I want to use this as a time to set some new ground rules as he will be off school from now until college in September so will have loads of time. What would be reasonable to ask him to do. Mainly to improve his life skills as none come naturally to him despite an exceptional IQ. My ideas included - Washing own clothes, strip bed and wash and remake fortnightly, small food shop and cook once a week.
Currently he just does either laying table, load or unload dishwasher, vac on a 4 day rota with siblings.

I plan that all "pocket" money should stop until he starts college as he has plenty of time to do some paid work even if it is just chores for relatives. However money does not motivate him and he doesnt spend it on clothes or going out so that is not likely to work unless he decides he wants a new phone or gadget which has not happened for 3 years. He doesnt have phone contract or any other things we fund.

All suggestions welcome.

You want to suspend his pocket money and get your relatives to pay him for chores, are they on board with that??

Got to be honest, when mine get to that point (next year) I'm not going to expect them to do much at all.

I hope that they go out, enjoy their time with the friends, be silly, mess around and generally make up for having not had that opportunity for the past year (and counting).

At 15/16, I don't think they need to be doing washing or cooking. We grow up quick enough. Plenty of time for that.

Most definitely he should be helping with the laundry, getting his own sheets washed etc. He could be moving out or off to uni in 2 years time and my DCs frequently tell me how ‘cringe’ it is when fellow students can’t use a washing machine! Also think the cooking idea is a nice one - does he like cooking? It’d be a good form of enjoyment for him that is also productive. You could send him off to the shop for the ingredients for that night and then he can cook.

I think you’re definitely making the right decision re letting him have his phone in his room so he’ll have to learn to self regulate and if he ends up exhausted it’s his own fault - they have to learn this at some point! Sounds like your ideas are striking a pretty good balance between freedom and helping out around the house to me OP

I wouldn't stop pocket money. He might be able to earn a bit from chores but he legally can't even begin to get a job until after the end of June.

However it is reasonable to dock pocket money if certain basic household chores are not done.

We had a similar issue with ds (also asd) last year except worse as school ended for him in March. To be honest we did leave him to it to certain extend. The kids are exhausted after their non exam exams.

Ground rules we set were:

Bed made every morning.

Showered, washed dressed and breakfast (ds forgets to eat and it contributes to migraines) by 11am at the very latest. No wandering round the house in night clothes.
All dirty clothes in wash bag every morning.
Sort his own lunch
Help to lay table & wash up (with his sister when she was home last year but she's away at college now)
Strip bed once a fortnight on a Sunday (he has coverless duvets so they are quite easy)
If he makes a mess, he tidies it up

At that age my 'job' was to do as well as I could in school and holidays were holidays. That meant following our own interests, hanging out with friends, travelling from Brum to places like Ludlow, on the bus, just us kids, for a day out. All unsupervised and not relying on family for lifts etc. We learned a lot about life and being responsible for ourselves.

Pocket money was our small share of family money not payment for chores and at that age my Mom increased it a lot and told us to do our budgeting and buy our own toiletries, clothes and school stuff. Same amount every week whether we were in good books or not.

Chores were done because you do your fair share for the family, not in return for money.

As your son has ASD I wouldn't introduce too many different things at once. A small food shop for the whole family seems a bit complex and hardwork if you are expecting him to walk/bus to shops and back. If you drive him its not a task he can learn to be self sufficient in. Maybe just get him to sort his own lunch totally unaided a few days a week? Bed change and laundry seems doable.

I agree a whole food shop might be too much. Ds enjoys walking to the local corner shop and picking himself up a pie or pack of pasta/noodles etc to get for his lunch.

Dd (also asd) mind you was preparing to move away from home to attend college so she was able to do all that and more.

I think you’re going a bit far. Getting him to do some chores fine. But not removing his pocket money and then making him also do chores for others. That’s a bit much. He’s not some form of slave.

I would encourage him to do a bit of cooking, but that would be it. I agree with the approach of @Willdoitlater. DS has survived probably the worst year ever to be a uni fresher, doing washing, shopping cooking and everything else with this upbringing.

I think you should definitely be cooking at 16. In 2 years time he could be going to uni and having to cater for himself. A full week's food shop is probably a bit too much but get him cooking and by the end of the summer set him a challenge to plan a meal for the family on a given budget maybe?

My dd finishes school next week. She has a part time job but I'm hoping she will spend the summer having fun with friends and making the most of the freedom after this last year. She also has done volunteering lined up. I'm going to encourage her to be out as much as possible which also cuts down on screen time.

Very diverse views! If he had worked hard for GCSEs I would be up for him having a rest and fun filled summer but he has never done any homework in 5 years at secondary and has done zero revision this year. Even when someone in his class knows what the paper is for these exams he wont look at those topics. He will not help without some schedule ie would walk past me struggling with something due to ill health absolutely oblivious. Hence my wanting to try to improve his work ethic!

idontlikealdi - My elderly relatives are very very keen to pay him to help them - partly for company and not wanting strangers in and also not wanting to ask me due to my cancer.

Cornish gem - actually nearly 17 and a very slow learner for practical skills so it will take a long time to get the life skills to be able to go to university so I feel he needs to start if there is any chance of his being ready.

If he can’t work then a decent amount of pocket money to teach budgeting.
Family meeting to divide up chores and roster written. ‘We all work/study and contribute to mess so we all contribute to clean up and running the house.’
At that age they did their own washing.
Cleaned their bathroom and rooms.
Cooked one night a week and cleaned up two nights.
Shopped for the meal they were cooking.
Learning to self regulate phone is a good idea.

I think your plans sound good. Helping him learn practical life skills is really important for teens.

I really hate the term ‘ground rules’. Always makes me think of a particularly bossy type of parent.

I never felt the need to have ‘ground rules’ when dds were at home. I suppose reasonable behaviour was more or less taken for granted but the state of their rooms was up to them. If they were pigsties, I just shut the door and didn’t look.

Do you have a child with an asd Gettinglikemymother?

With asd teens you have to set clear rules and boundaries in order to help them. wishy washy won't cut it.

And as for their rooms. Well we moved house just over a year ago and ended up having to spend money on damage in the kids rooms that was avoidable. Not damage fro mbreaking things but from things never having been cleaned properly etc. In our new house which we have paid a lot of money for I expect all rooms to be kept clean and relatively tidy and not attract flies or mice.

Actively encourage them to do stuff out of the house and make sure they are in for 11pm!

Wouldn't change what you already ask but Seriously let them have a bit of fun, holidays are holidays!

Emma - We get all our food shopping delivered so it would just be odd ingredients from a local Sainsbury he can easily walk to - mainly for things he eats that none of the rest of us eat due to issues with food presumably due to his ASD. I was only thinking of 3 or 4 items in one carrier bag - just to get used to going to the shop and looking for something on a list.

Bluntness - anything but a slave!!! I do everything for him whilst battling cancer. He will walk past me struggling and collapsing and be oblivious and he has done no work at school ever and virtually nothing at home and then only under duress such as clearing the table once every 4 days (which consists of moving it one meter nearer to the dishwasher). His 3 younger siblings do a hundred times as much and manage their homework, packing their bags for school, making their own lunchpacks and laying out clothes for school. None of which he can do. I am aware he has ASD but I dont think that can totally account for it.

I am imagining maybe 30 minutes a day until he starts college - he will have no school work or other commitments for 4 months - surely that leaves enough time to have fun?? How does doing one load of washing by machine not hand or popping to the shops once a week stop someone having fun. Most other 16/17 year olds seem to be looking for part time work so he will have far more time for fun than most.

From what you have said in your last two posts I would absolutely be putting ground rules in place otherwise how is he ever going to live an independent life.

Maybe start with 3 chores and once he is doing those properly add another one in and so on.

I would probably choose either cooking or washing to start with. Does he make his own breakfast & lunch independently?

What are you planning to do if he doesn't do his chores? I must be honest this is why I have never linked pocket money and chores together. Adults don't get paid to do the housework. You do it because you live in the house.

@endofgcses can he not get a part time job?

Or even do some volunteering that's all good life experience too.

I would love him to get a part time job but he never spends any money - oblivious to clothes or shopping so has no motivation to do so. He goes out loads and does huge amounts of exercise.

He would never volunteer he lacked motivation to do any homework or school work and refused to try DofE as you had to volunteer.. Agree I dont want link to pocket money/payment I want him to be an adult in the house and just do something/anything to show that! I am thinking cut off access to wifi if he wont do anything over next 4 months - not much else i can think of but suggestions welcomed.

I think you need to decide how you are going to enforce this, which battles you are willing to see through and what you can tolerate in terms of atmosphere in the house, impact on relationships before you embark on any of this. It is fine to say you want to do all of this but what are you wanting to achieve in terms if relationships and positive environment at home. I would have fewer demands and make sure they are achievable rather than lots of things to clash about every day. For me happy relationships are my main priority and hopefully the rest will follow. He isn't going to have sudden change of attitude because you've upped the expectations.

Sleepingdogs - I am not sure how to make it much less and achieve any life skills as the suggestion was just cook and wash once a week and do bedding once a fortnight. It takes him a while to learn life skills so if he just does it once or twice over the 4 months he wont learn. His cooking will be very basic such as pasta with a jar of sauce - at best. There wont be something to battle over every day - maybe twice a week. His far younger siblings regularly do far more especially when I am too ill. What would you suggest for near 17 year old? He has done nothing so far and it hasnt made him happy. Perhaps this might help self esteem and hence happiness. Battles will be hugely reduced as I wont have to coax him to school every day and deal with all the school issues/detentions/SEN etc which took all my effort.

my DCs frequently tell me how ‘cringe’ it is when fellow students can’t use a washing machine

Not sure why that's "cringe". Life is divided between those who read the manual and those who don't...anyone can use a washing machine (after all all you do is bung the stuff in, add washing powder and turn it on - not exactly something you need to "learn") but they only ever use one programme...also, when I went to uni the machines in the launderette were top loaders anyway and we had only had automatics at home.

But I know that MN is divided between those who think you pick things up when you have to and those who think children need to be "taught" everything. I think this generation just look at Youtube videos. Even my 82 year old mother told me the other day that she doesn't look at her recipe books anymore, she just googles what she wants to bake!

However, OP I think you are right that you need some sort of "ground rules". My son finishes A level assessments this week. I won't be on his case except that he must work a few hours a week (he is a lifeguard and there are now jobs available so no excuse) and get exercise (which he does as he swims and does athletics). Pick your battles and what matters.

Not sure why that's "cringe". Life is divided between those who read the manual and those who don't...anyone can use a washing machine (after all all you do is bung the stuff in, add washing powder and turn it on - not exactly something you need to "learn") but they only ever use one programme...also, when I went to uni the machines in the launderette were top loaders anyway and we had only had automatics at home.

Having worked in universities for over 10 years I can confirm there is a big difference between children who have been cosseted and those who have been taught/take it upon themselves to learn basic life skills. Those who don't catch up fast enough find it harder to manage day to day tasks alongside study and are less likely to be asked to join a house share.