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I'm everyone's agony aunt and I can't cope anymore

26 replies

BobbleToggle · 18/05/2021 17:46

As the title. (Name changed for obvious reasons). Ironically I have very few friends, but a lot of people who come to me when they have a problemnor need a shoulder to cry on. These are not people who I socialise with but people I've got to know on the school run, old school friends and most of all family. My Mum messages me throughout the day to talk about her DM (my Grandmother) who is in a care home. It's very stressful and I try and give support and so on. She'll then video call me in the evening to say how stressed she is and she doesn't hold back on the drama. My best (only) friend is currently having chemo (Although coming to the end of it now and things are looking more hopeful) so I can't offload on her (again she leaves me around four or five voice notes a day about her stuff). There are other people but I'm not sure it's useful to list them all here??
I'm so utterly tired. I'm extremely and painfully lonely as my marriage is pretty much for appearance only and we never talk (there are issues). For various reasons I haven't ever really 'lived' (so it's always a bit odd that people seem to want my opinion, given that I haven't had much experience of anything at all). My children are pretty amazing although my eldest is becoming like his father which is proving tricky.
Where does an agony aunt go in her time of need? Anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
FiveGs · 18/05/2021 19:11

I'm sorry you're feeling that way Bobble, it is exhausting and I do empathise. I'm in a similar position and whereas I feel in one way it is a bit of an honour to be someone's shoulder as it shows they trust you to open up, it can (and does) get very draining. This coupled with an unhappy marriage is bound to make you feel wrung out.

I'm not sure I can give you much in the way of solutions, as I download to my patient DH (and cats!) but find going to the gym a good release - slamming a 4kg medicine ball at the wall is remarkably therapeutic when you just want the world to go away.

Flowers for you.

BobbleToggle · 18/05/2021 19:45

Thank you for replying @FiveGs. Yes I am struggling as due to injury I am finding I can't exercise at all right now and it used to help me sort of discharge the negativity if you know what I mean. But that's a good point. I'll have a look on YouTube and see if there's anything at all I can do.

OP posts:
Dunairbeanat · 18/05/2021 19:56

I understand this as often find myself in this position. In the last year I have felt myself withdrawing from some people although I will always try to help but am ill myself and a full time carer.
I am a private person and rarely discuss my problems or feelings with anyone.
On a lighter note I did consider changing my answer machine message to "leave your moan after the tone" Smile

Shareddriveagghh · 18/05/2021 20:32

I understand completely. Myself and one of my sisters are just like you to the point that people in a queue in the post office would openly chat about all manner of personal things.

It can be draining, all I can suggest is to try and steer conversations more your way.

Idontknowanymore05 · 18/05/2021 20:44

Big hugs. Even counsellors have someone above them to off load too. Please don't wear yourself down by taking on everyone else's problems. Take some time for yourself, put yourself first by either turning your phone off or not looking at it for a few hours a day. Become less available to these people and they'll get the message.

5zeds · 18/05/2021 20:58

This happens to me in waves and I find it so hard. It’s important to realise that if you stop people will just move on to someone else.

Sometimes I would find myself so exhausted by others problems only to discover they had told me and then hone on to have a lovely day.Sad

BobbleToggle · 19/05/2021 10:21

Thanks for replying, yes I think making myself less available is probably the answer. It's tricky as I am quite lonely.
How rude or a bad idea would it be to just be upfront with people? I can't think of a "good" way of saying "if this conversation is going to be negative or if you're looking for advice then I haven't got the capacity to offer any right now". I've tried being upfront with my DM but she doesn't get the message. I don't want to turn people away who might need help but on the other hand I feel at the end of my rope as it is.

OP posts:
ButtercupSquash · 19/05/2021 10:27

Try to shoot first? I mean offload about your mother to anyone who is prone to seek your advice. They may be flattered or they may leave you alone.

AlohaMolly · 19/05/2021 10:31

I could have written your post, right down to the marriage (although we aren’t married) being for show. Mine isn’t quite as bad but DP is appalling at emotional support and I have learnt not to approach him for it. DM is very dramatic and everything is about her. I am also quite lonely but seem to attract people who want to offload.

I’ve ended up contacting a counsellor and I live for those sessions. It’s expensive and I can’t continue with once a week for much longer, but I’m getting so much out of them. Is that a possibility for you?

Leafy12 · 19/05/2021 10:37

I am the same, and have also stayed being the listening ear due to my own loneliness. I started to feel that I was then using people as much as they were using me and that felt shit. I have stepped back and am having therapy. I still feel lonely but now am not prepared to give someone space who leaves me with a bigger load ( resentment and anger normally) than they walked in with, if that makes sense. Good luck OP.

lavender4636 · 19/05/2021 14:01

*I could have written your post, right down to the marriage (although we aren’t married) being for show. Mine isn’t quite as bad but DP is appalling at emotional support and I have learnt not to approach him for it. DM is very dramatic and everything is about her. I am also quite lonely but seem to attract people who want to offload.

I’ve ended up contacting a counsellor and I live for those sessions. It’s expensive and I can’t continue with once a week for much longer, but I’m getting so much out of them. Is that a possibility for you?*

This applies to me too. I feel incredibly lonely. I am planning on receiving talk therapy/counselling in the coming months so good to hear it has been really beneficial. Not sure what I am going to do longer term due to the expense of it but it really is what I need.

I also feel guilty off-loading my stuff onto others. I feel like I'm carrying really heavy bags of accumulated stuff and weighed down by it all. I've got a teen in the mix who is using me as a verbal punchbag...I experienced a traumatic childhood and struggling with it all.

Icancelledthecheque · 19/05/2021 14:38

Do you think you’re a people pleaser?

I used to be, but I saw a therapist for a while who made me do a complete 180! Only give what you’re prepared to, and that’s it.

My attitude now is that I don’t listen to whinging. I will help, if you’re prepared to help yourself, but if you just want to drag me down with your constant moaning, rather than actually trying to change things for the better then I’m just not interested.

SamusIsAGirl · 19/05/2021 15:55

I used to be seen as a tower of strength, a shoulder to cry on and someone people would seek out when they were down. I have AS and thought that most of these people were my friends. I had very few and school and also had some co-dependant people pleaseking tendency.

Then I had a messy breakup and a close relative having a life-altering injury and those I gave the most to gave me....nothing. I wasn't a friend more a mirror. Unevenly yoked.
Now I have boundaries and they aren't in my lives. I'm not saying you are in the same position I was but perhaps you need to be honest and set boundaries - say 'I can't take this right now, there is so much that is happening to me - come back later'. Or do you share much with them. Do they ask out of you or is it a case you only volunteer stuff during a conversation without being asked?
Either way, watch closely for their reaction if you ask for some headspace from them.

BinocularVision · 19/05/2021 16:10

It sounds like people-pleasing to me, especially as you explicitly say that you are lonely and worry that making yourself less available as a shoulder to cry on will impact on your friendships. They're not healthy friendships if your role consists entirely of being everyone else's emotional outlet, and it sounds to me as if you have embraced the role of the being the communal agony aunt because you feel that's all you have to offer in friendships.

I think you need to take back some control of the conversational space. Do the talking yourself. Complain (or be enthusiastic about) your own life and problems. Do you, for instance, confide in anyone about the state of your marriage, or your worries about your child turning into your husband?

As a cautionary tale my mother is like you. All her 'friendships' take the same shape someone ill, in need, in crisis, vulnerable etc venting to her with no reciprocity. In my mother's case, she prefers it, because surrounding herself (entirely unconsciously) with people who are needy or in trouble in some way makes her feel needed.

She can't see it, however, and she's bitter and lonely in her late 70s, because she has no friends who phone up and ask how she is or invite her to dinner or to do something fun, because they only see her as a semi-invisible person to vent to, like the Samaritans. Her typical social interaction is a phonecall which she will always answer, even if it's in the middle of dinner or late at night, and which will consist of an hour or more of her saying 'Yes' and 'I see' and 'That's awful' and 'Poor you' with long silences when the other person vents.

She is completely baffled as to why I have good longterm friendships when I don't make myself generally available as a shoulder to cry on.

Don't become my mother. It's a very lonely place to be.

Leafy12 · 19/05/2021 16:26

@BinocularVision

It sounds like people-pleasing to me, especially as you explicitly say that you are lonely and worry that making yourself less available as a shoulder to cry on will impact on your friendships. They're not healthy friendships if your role consists entirely of being everyone else's emotional outlet, and it sounds to me as if you have embraced the role of the being the communal agony aunt because you feel that's all you have to offer in friendships.

I think you need to take back some control of the conversational space. Do the talking yourself. Complain (or be enthusiastic about) your own life and problems. Do you, for instance, confide in anyone about the state of your marriage, or your worries about your child turning into your husband?

As a cautionary tale my mother is like you. All her 'friendships' take the same shape someone ill, in need, in crisis, vulnerable etc venting to her with no reciprocity. In my mother's case, she prefers it, because surrounding herself (entirely unconsciously) with people who are needy or in trouble in some way makes her feel needed.

She can't see it, however, and she's bitter and lonely in her late 70s, because she has no friends who phone up and ask how she is or invite her to dinner or to do something fun, because they only see her as a semi-invisible person to vent to, like the Samaritans. Her typical social interaction is a phonecall which she will always answer, even if it's in the middle of dinner or late at night, and which will consist of an hour or more of her saying 'Yes' and 'I see' and 'That's awful' and 'Poor you' with long silences when the other person vents.

She is completely baffled as to why I have good longterm friendships when I don't make myself generally available as a shoulder to cry on.

Don't become my mother. It's a very lonely place to be.

Gosh, that's a sobering story. Thank you. My mother has told me in the past we all need to be needed. I am beginning to see that is bollocks.
BinocularVision · 19/05/2021 17:11

It is sobering, @Leafy12. I suppose my point is that I'm not saying 'Nasty people taking advantage of my poor, well-meaning mother!' because I can see that my mother is absolutely complicit in the situation.

A happy, confident person with no major problems codes to her as 'someone who has no need of me', and you can actually hear her switch off.

5zeds · 19/05/2021 17:41

@BinocularVision oh lord we’re all your mother! Shock.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 19/05/2021 17:46

I completely sympathise. One member of my family is suffering greatly with MH problems and although they don't talk to me, I hear the fall out from other family members.

Separately (other side of the family) my mother treats me as her unpaid therapist and has done since I was barely out of childhood.

I wish I had an answer for you op.

Current advice is to "talk to someone" about your problems but what if you are the one who is always doing the listening, often to several people? It's quite exhausting.

Cowbells · 19/05/2021 17:51

Make space in every conversation with your mum for your own issues. When she calls, sometimes take the initiative and say: Mum I am feeling so down and stressed at the moment. I am always supporting other people and no one ever supports me. I just need to talk to someone.

Do this every time at some point in the conversation and she will either call less frequently or give you mutual support. I learned the hard way people never ever ask. You have to tell them.

Cowbells · 19/05/2021 17:53

If you can afford it, maybe you could book a therapist. If you can't afford it, you might benefit from the brief 6-week online free therapy that NHS offers which at very least might help you set boundaries and learn to state what you need.

MutteringDarkly · 19/05/2021 17:54

In my occasionally bitter experience, the only way to stop this is to take your control back. Think about what refills YOU and build that regularly into your day/week. It might be exercise, sitting somewhere beautiful, listening to favourite music...whatever. Anything that is just for you, and makes you feel a bit restored. When time is short, even ten minutes a few times a day can help.

Step 2 is limiting what you listen to. Some people you can just meet or speak to less. With some people family that's harder, so if you can't be honest with them, at least be honest with yourself "I'm always drained after listening to Auntie Joan when I take her shopping - so what can I put in my diary for straight afterwards to help me recover?"

You know the old saying - people are either drains or fountains. The drains leave you exhausted, the fountains fill you back up. You need a few more fountains in your life!

Finfintytint · 19/05/2021 17:59

It is utterly draining. I’m a retired Police Officer but in a new temporary role where my colleagues use me to vent and sort out every issue in their private lives - from traffic issues to historical child abuse. They seem to offload their trauma onto me.
I do offer advice but to be honest I’m dealing with my own shit and could do without it.
I’m very tempted in true Mumsnet fashion to say, fuck it , log it with 101 Grin

Leafy12 · 19/05/2021 18:06

[quote 5zeds]@BinocularVision oh lord we’re all your mother! Shock.[/quote]
Yes we are!

Justmuddlingalong · 19/05/2021 18:14

I interrupt with an "I'm fine/knackered/feeling unwell/pissed off, if you're ever going to ask." It's usually enough to stop the onslaught of the usual overblown drama i'm about to be hit with. I also highlight that I've given advice numerous times to their non issue, it's been ignored so to stop asking.

SamusIsAGirl · 20/05/2021 11:04

Wish I had thought of interuppting someone when in full moan with 'Thanks for asking'. MIght have got more leeches out of my life sooner.