Feel like I'm having a breakdown juggling everything

[bluepinkchristmas]

I feel stupid writing this because everyone else seems to cope and I don't know what is wrong with me.

I work 4 days in a demanding job (which I mostly hate, but it pays well). I have two DC aged 5 and 1. DH works full time in a senior role. He's great. We don't have much family support as they live a long way away.

For the past few days I've just been feeling this crushing feeling like I just cannot do this anymore. I cannot deal with the daily grind of staying on top of housework, laundry, food shopping, childcare pick ups and drop offs, dealing with difficult people at work, bedtime etc etc. It just feels relentless and I'm so drained.

I woke up this morning and felt so drained. I ended up calling in sick and just spending the day staring out the window. I don't feel like I can carry on and I know I need to make changes but I don't know where to start.

On paper there is nothing wrong, I'm just a busy mum but I'm not coping. Any tips on what I do next?

Talk to your partner. You shouldn't be doing it all aline

You’re not alone in feeling this way. I get what you say that it’s hard to know where to start.

Hating the job is a big part of your problem. It's exhausting to be miserable at work. Are you in a field where it's relatively easy to move? Is the problem the nature of the work, or your employer?

Is your partner sharing the domestic load? Can you buy in help? Your children are at an exhausting stage, it will get better when the younger one reaches 3 or 4.

Talk to your partner. You shouldn't be doing it all aline

He's great to be honest - he probably does about 40% of home stuff and I do 60%, just because he has to work longer hours and I have a day off in the week but he doesn't.

He has done all pick ups and drop offs for the DC today (we usually share them) because he could see how upset I was this morning and that I needed a break.

He's totally amazing but I still feel so overwhelmed

Hating the job is a big part of your problem. It's exhausting to be miserable at work. Are you in a field where it's relatively easy to move? Is the problem the nature of the work, or your employer?

I agree with this and I do need to make a change here but it's just finding the energy right now. I think the problem is the nature of the work - its intellectually quite challenging which I used to love, but frankly right now I'd be happy just doing something process driven. I don't have the headspace for much else! Overall my employer is quite good (as in the overarching policies are quite family friendly) but I don't find the people I work with that supportive and some are downright difficult.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this, I sympathise as have had similar feelings recently with just 1 child! How about booking in a week/a few days off work, have a couple of self care days and then formulate a plan that could make life a bit easier. Get shopping delivered? A cleaner? DH taking one thing off your plate that could lighten your load? Give it a bit of time and see if it helps, if not perhaps see GP as you don't want progressing into a deep depression. You will get there and feel much better soon

Put them to nursery/school and book some annual leave and take a bit of time to just rest and make a plan for what will help - more sleep/less hours/cleaner/no idea but it will be personal to you?

You need to delegate. Do you have a cleaner? Do you allow yourself to order take away one a week or so? Do you have high standards? No shame on outsourcing house work. It kept me sane when I went back full time. Also, allow yourself downtime and relaxation time to recharge batteries. A one year old is incredibly hard work!

How’s your sleep? I have a similar work load although the kids are 3 and 6 and also family are far away. I think it’s been extra tough this year with a grind of working and childcare and not much chance to get away for a break or change of scene. Sounds like you are tired of the drudgery of chores etc - can you sit down with your DH and make a list of how to make things easier? For example we have a cleaner for 3 hrs once a week. I don’t clean outside of that at all! Bar obviously wiping the kitchen sides and table down and sweeping the floor. Laundry I do as and when, we’ve got a heated drier from Lakeland which speeds things up (no tumble drier). We get online supermarket deliveries from Ocado or any big supermarket and I plan a menu based on what is coming. To be honest I don’t find the day to day chores too bad at the moment but everything is much worse when we’re all tired, my 3 year old still wakes in the night and they’re up early so it does feel relentless. Hope things improve!

Bluepinkchristmas I know this is not helpful at all, but I feel like I could've written exactly what you have just written. Im going through something very similar and no idea where to begin with it all.

Sleep is ok to be honest, considering I have a 1 year old! She does get up early sometimes but generally she isn't bad for her age.

I honestly don't know why I'm finding it so tough. I wonder if I should go to the GP but it doesn't really feel like a mental health issue. I just feel burnt out.

@insertcleverusername I'm sorry you feel this way too and I hope we both find some solutions as it is a horrible way to live.

Burn out is real. You need a rest!

Can you buy yourself some breathing space?
Get a cleaner, get a Gousto subscription, take some annual leave and send the dc to childcare.
Burn out is real, you need to be kind to yourself

I think I need to do all of the things people are suggesting, it's just finding the energy to sort it out! I know that sounds a bit pathetic really. For now DH and I are ordering a takeaway and brainstorming what we can do to make life easier.

Please book some leave, or ask your Dr for a sick note for a couple of weeks. This happened to me a few years ago now. After a couple of days off I started applying for other jobs and was lucky enough to get one. It reduced my commute and my stress levels. The children get older and it does get easier but you need to sort things out now. I am glad you have a supportive husband and are getting a takeaway tonight. You need to put yourself first, or you can't look after the others.

You've got burnout/adenal fatigue. It's simply a function of stress hormones and your body needing a break. Please don't think you should be able to just 'handle it'. It's your body trying to force you to take a pause as it wants to recover. This is not a sign of weakness, just the reality that the body can only take so much ongoing stress. Lower level constant stress (exactly like going to a job you hate on top of everything else) is more likely than acute stress to make you feel this way, as acute stress can make you run on adrenaline for a long time.

Definitely do whatever you can to reduce stress & lighten the load. I know it's hard but you won't feel better if you don't take some weight off.

Oh op that sounds tough. It sounds as if you’ve just hit a bit of a wall with everything and that is totally understandable. I had burnout with doing 3 days and just one child so can’t imagine how hard it must be for you.

Second the idea of a cleaner. Outsource whatever you can afford (cleaning, ironing, food shop delivery etc).

Also another thought - you mention childcare drop offs and pick ups - would hiring a nanny make life easier in the long term? My SIL swapped nursery / wraparound care for a nanny and it made life so much easier. I know that’s not a quick fix solution but worth thinking about if you can buy yourself a bit of breathing space.

@bluepinkchristmas

Because it's all too much. You're not alone. It doesn't make you unusual, it doesn't make you deficient, it doesn't make you weak. There is no time for you.

People will have suggestions to help, but I just want you to know it's ok to feel like this. It's understandable.

This was me. I worked in a senior role with a three year old and my husband worked away. I was so unhappy (even though I thought it was what I wanted). I quit (I realise not everyone can do this). Got another job in a less senior role for less hours.

I'm much happier now and will be back when my son is older

Also, please don't underestimate the impact of the year we've all had on mood, mental health and well-being.

Honestly, I feel the same. I have just had enough. Just sitting just now staring into space wondering what to do. DDs are sleeping.
Lots of great advice here, just getting the energy to follow it is a task in itself.
Hope you and DH come up with some ideas tonight and enjoy your takeaway.

Definitely start with a cleaner! I work 50 hrs a week. I have. 6 and 4 yr old and there is no way I could cope long term without them long term. I struggled when they stopped for a couple of months during lockdown. Also internet food shop and delivery should save you time.

What sort of field are you in for work? Would it be Possible for you to change?

@kdubs1981 and @greebosmum, on the work front I think I want to do similar to you. Not sure we can afford for me to quit, but I need to do something less challenging for a few years, ideally fewer hours and fewer responsibilities. Obviously it will be lower paid but I think we can absorb that for a bit. How much of a pay cut did you have to take?

@polkadots2021 i hadn't heard of adrenal fatigue but that describes it exactly!

@flyingpandas hitting a wall describes it exactly

@leonoraflorence hugs to you. It is so hard. I completely agree, I know things need to change but it's getting the energy to make those changes. I think as a PP suggested, taking some leave when the DC are in childcare will be a good start to give me some time to focus on job changes. Realistically it will never happen in the evenings!

I've found the support on this thread enormously helpful so thank you everyone, even if I haven't name checked you.

Ooh I can't tell you about the paycut because I honestly can't remember. I was in the civil service at that time and went down one grade. I was lucky that there was a suitable vacancy. I was also looking at jobs outside the civil service but figured sticking with it would pay off in the long term. There was a loss of income so we had to tighten our belts a bit, but honestly, it was definitely worth it.

Its probably worth getting a health check up, just to make sure there is no underlying problem. Fatigue and general brain fog/feeling helpless is a symptom of

Low thyroid
B12 deficiency
Anaemia
Low red blood cell count
Low or high calcium/parathyroid hormone

All of those can be checked by the GP, but if yours is of the useless variety and you need an act of god to get an appointment, look at Medichecks. Its very simple and you can pick the blood tests you want to do or just do the Advanced Well Woman package (150 pounds). They sign post you to a test center near your work or home and hen put all the results online. You can then take them to your GP if they show anything amiss.

@seatoski that's a good idea. I do have a tendency to have low iron levels. I am already on medication for low thyroid but probably worth checking it is still the right dose.