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Original poster

My 8 year old is asking to have friends over but I don't know how to ask!

35 replies

painfullyshywhy · 18/05/2021 05:40

My 8yos friends are all having sleepovers and days out together and trips to eachothers houses and I feel so awful that I didn't make friends with any of the other parents so now my child is missing out.
I want to ask the parents but I am painfully shy and worried about being rejected. We live in a high-rise flat so I'm worried that the other parents won't think its safe (fair point as we are over 10 floors up) and I'm worried that they won't want their children to mix with 'the poorer child'
DH won't ask even though I think it'd be easier for him if they said no because he doesn't have to do the school run every day.

Does anyone have any tips? Or insight on how to help my child socialise afterschool with friends. He has been pestering me and I know the reasons are because of me not him. I don't know what to do

OP posts:

Original poster

painfullyshywhy · 18/05/2021 05:41

Its not even 6am I've stayed up thinking about it.

OP posts:

runningpink · 18/05/2021 05:44

Can you give him a wee note with your phone number to pass on to the friend. Then his mum can make contact?

Or could you arrange to take his friend with you on a day out somewhere? Then you don’t need to worry about your house.
(It wouldn’t bother me what sort of house you lived in)

Original poster

painfullyshywhy · 18/05/2021 05:49

I was thinking day out but then I think 'would they trust me?'
and thats very nice that you wouldn't judge but there is a clear divide of the people who live in the lovely houses and the people who live in a grimey flats.
I had lots of head tilts and 'oh dear' s when I let that one out of the bag.

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8 year olds Families

beingsunny · 18/05/2021 06:11

Do you have a 'class parent'? Or a 'class list'?
Our primary does a class list that the class parent shares (with permission) with the rest of the class parents. It has phone/email for each person alongside the kids names.

That's pretty much how I organise play dates for my some with kids who's parents I don't know.

Just start with a quick text, DS has asked if yours can come over after school/join us at the park on such a day.

We also set up a class WhatsApp group, it's handy in primary as kids can't arrange these things themselves. Also handy for reminders about non uniform days

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/05/2021 06:15

there is a clear divide of the people who live in the lovely houses and the people who live in a grimey flats.

Not to the kids. DD thinks her flat-living friends are massively rich and privileged because they have, variously, a TV in a bedroom, they get 'proper' ketchup, and embarrassingly because the flats are mostly better kept than my house. Oh and one of them gets tons of Christmas presents. Unlike the mean parents in DD's house.

I just say to DD, "get Vivians mum's or dad's number if you want a play date". Suggest the park and mum or dad can come along if they're worried. All by text so it's less embarrassing. Often Vivian's mum will say, "oh Hazel, Vivian is always talking about her" or something.

YesILikeItToo · 18/05/2021 06:21

Text
Keep focus on kids - ‘Ds would like Timmy to come and play. Could he come on Tuesday?’
Propose something clear and specific - ‘If you could drop him over at 3pm, I would give them fishfingers and bring him home by 6pm.’

MaMaD1990 · 18/05/2021 06:34

Just catch them at school and say "X would love for Yto come over for a sleepover, is he free next week? Here's my number if you want to give me a call later on for a chat and to organise it". If it means anything, I'd think nothing of where you lived but it would be nice to chat on the phone if I didn't know you. I wouldn't stress too much over it.

TheFuckingDogs · 18/05/2021 06:38

How about when there’s some decent weather suggest you do pick up after school of your dc and chosen friend and do a low key picnic in local park/playground as a first meet up? Can be local ish to their house and yours and tests the water a bit?

justanotherneighinparadise · 18/05/2021 06:38

I have the same age child and he does mainly have play dates with children whose parents I know. However if I really wanted to organise it without talking to the parent I’d put a small card with the request and contact details in my child’s bag and ask the child to pass it to the child who could pass it on. Then I’d see if a received a text or message.

midnightstar66 · 18/05/2021 06:43

My DD's are the poor kids or a single mum, i was the favourite in years gone by as the only sahp they were terribly keen for me to host play dates on Monday holidays when school clubs weren't on etc. Honestly I don't think anyone will care, make sure the ones you ask are the play daters though as for all the parents who happily wave their dc off there are some that don't allow their dc out their sights

picturesandpickles · 18/05/2021 06:44

I'm another to suggest the park instead, I wouldn't let my 8yo go to the home of a family I hadn't really spoken to (the big house family or the 10th floor flat family would be the same response) so this way you can at least meet someone.

You don't have to have people over, we never did (work) and it was ok. We did do museum trips at weekends etc.

angelopal · 18/05/2021 06:45

I don't know most of the parents as I only do drop off and pick up once a week. She really wanted a play date so put a note with my number in her bag.

Musication · 18/05/2021 06:49

I just get the number from the class Whataspp group and say 'My kid has asked if your kid wants to come for a playdate. We'd love to have them over if it's okay with you'. Then suggest a couple of dates that work. People won't worry that you live in a flat.

OnASwankyMarleyPond · 18/05/2021 06:52

Write a note to a parent and pop it in DS planner, asking the teacher to put in the relevant child’s planner.

It’s unlikely a parent will be up for an independent sleepover, or possibly even a play date, without them first having met you / checked out your home (nothing personal, just basic safeguarding) so I would ask parent and child round for a play date before broaching a sleepover. And don’t take it personally if they say no to a sleepover - child or parent may have anxiety or there may be other factors at play that have nothing to do with you, but they don’t feel comfortable sharing!

Mumdiva99 · 18/05/2021 06:52

Blimey by 8 your child has been at school with them for a few years. Of course kids will want to come to yours. They won't care where you live.

At 5 I did want to go on playmates with my kid at first. By 8 I let them go. What I care about is that the parent communicates with me - e.g. talks to me first. Or gives me a number and we text chat. I want to know address and what time to collect my child. If I am wary in any way I would offer to collect them before tea the first time.
Mine have been to playdates in all places....including the local high rise. They love their friends that live there as much as the friends that love in detached houses or terrace houses. Kids aren't judgemental.

olympicsrock · 18/05/2021 06:55

I wouldn’t consider a sleepover with any parent I didn’t know quite well. I would want to meet them first before dropping off my child for a play date. Meeting in the park or inviting the parent for a coffee the first time they play is normal .

Hockeyboysmum · 18/05/2021 06:55

My ds is 11 and is the poorer kid in his group. We live in council flat and ive given up work as ds2 is disabled. His friends are always at our house. Once your son gets a bit older theyll choose themselves where to go.

daisypond · 18/05/2021 06:56

suggest a meet-up at the park first, then ask the child round to play. Don’t suggest a sleepover until the children have met up several times first. Many parents won’t be keen on sleepovers anyway.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/05/2021 06:57

I’d suggest a play date before a sleepover as most parents would prefer that first off.

Or the park or offer to take a friend to the cinema.

I agree text is the best way.
It will be hardest the first time you try but it will be easier

gottakeeponmovin · 18/05/2021 06:57

Get your child to ask them at school the kids will ask the other kids parents and voila

heyyyall · 18/05/2021 06:57

If I haven't got the parents details I get my child to write note inviting them for tea, out for the day, to a party or whatever. Put my phone number on.
I've had parents message me saying yes and no. I didn't take the no personally and the next week my child was invited there. They were genuinely busy when invited but since I had the reply and phone number I've messaged and arranged thing since then.
It's much easier when you have a phone number and can just text the parent but note in school bag is a good way to start.
I wouldn't worry about where you live. When invited I consider if child wants to go and do I think you would watch her. Danger is potentially everywhere so actual supervision (amount needed depends on age and child) is more important than risk if that makes sense.

barnanabas · 18/05/2021 07:01

Agree, don't start by suggesting a sleepover. I wouldn't have let my kids go on a sleepover where I didn't know the parents a bit at 8 and I think you do risk feeling rejected if the parent you ask is the same.
But fine to suggest park, or a play/tea at your flat. We live in one of the bigger/posher houses in town and I've never judged/made any decisions about my kids' friends based on where they live. And as previous posters have said, the things kids will like about each other's homes are quite random and very hard to predict.

Pommes · 18/05/2021 07:07

Oh, OP. In the nicest possible way, you are overthinking this... your flat will be fine and you sound like a kind, considered, cautious parent (perfect qualities for play dates).

I wouldn't start with a sleepover. My DC is older than your DD and he doesn't have them yet, other than childcare cover when his friend's mum was in hospital and a very close family friend who lives a distance away.

My suggestion would be a note in the bag. "X would really love Y for a play date so
I promised I'd ask. Please send me a text if Y would like to have tea with us one evening.
You are more than welcome too."

Alternatively, a trip out somewhere. Cinema, playground, cafe. Maybe with more than one of your DD's friends. Call it a belated birthday celebration (thanks lockdown) and maybe invite two or three friends, if you can. From there you can meet the parents and arrange further one-to-one play dates.

Now is the perfect timing. Fresh from lockdown, when play dates etc will resume.

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2021 07:08

Op, you need to reframe this in your mind. I mean this gently, but it’s not about you, and it’s not you being rejected. It is also easier for you to ask another mum than your husband,

Kids don’t care where their friends live. The insecurity is yours only. If the kids want to hang out together then it will be a yes.

Ask your child which friend he wants to invite then just ask the mum, say my son would love x to come over for a play date, let me give you my number, let me know when would suit, I will do the school collection

pumpkinpie01 · 18/05/2021 07:14

If you are on Facebook I would add them as a friend and message them via there , that way you will know they have got the message rather than relying on a child to pass on a phone number. Just send a casual message asking if their child would like to go to the park after school one day and maybe tea at yours after

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