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Original poster

Can't be bothered with a relationship

43 replies

SingleDontWantToMingle · 16/05/2021 12:34

I'm mid 40s. Split from DP a couple of years ago.

My friend just asked me if I'm planning on joining dating sites now lockdown is coming to an end.

I can't be bothered. I'm happily single. Nice house, just DD and I. DP has her EOW which gives me time to spend on my hobbies. I work full time, love my job and I'm financially comfortable.

One of my hobbies is hiking, I'm in a hiking group that has been meeting up since last July in groups of 6 (apart from when we've been in full lockdown). There is a man I chat to who has been on several walks in the same group as me. He has suggested that we meet up by ourselves for a walk we both want to do. He is a single parent to 3 children between the ages of 6 and 12 (he's the NRP but has them often - I think EOW and 1 or more nights in the week). I know I'm hugely jumping the gun here but the thought of being in a relationship with him sounds like a nightmare- 4 children to juggle.

Anyone else quite happy being single and has no interest in a relationship? I just can't see what good a relationship would bring to my happy little life. It seems to me that a relationship would just bring a load of hassle with it.

OP posts:

Jongleurterre · 16/05/2021 12:38

It doesn’t sound like there is a spark there and he has a lot of responsibilities with that many children so personally I would pass in him and just enjoy doing what you are doing rather than actively seek out a relationship.

You might bump into the right person tomorrow, next month, next year or never and if you are happy then just enjoy things as they are.

RickiTarr · 16/05/2021 12:41

Anyone else quite happy being single and has no interest in a relationship?

Yes, me too. I think it’s quite common, especially amongst women, but if you say so, people line up to persuade you otherwise. So it’s easier to keep quiet and get on with it.

OhWhyNot · 16/05/2021 12:41

I feel the same

Have had a few flings the were enjoyable but I don’t want them in my everyday life and I don’t want to be dealing with other people’s children

Of course I might meet someone and feel differently

Some people find it hard to understand that others are happy single and I think more and more people are admitting they are happy single

Interested in this thread?

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katy1213 · 16/05/2021 12:42

Sounds like you've got the perfect set-up. I'd be wary in case your friend is looking to delegate his parenting duties - but if you can keep him at arm's length as walking companion and FWB, that would be great. There isn't a man on earth for whom I'd take on three children!

Crinkle77 · 16/05/2021 12:42

Me too. I'm 43 and split up with my partner of 10 years 18 months ago because we were more like brother and sister. I thought after a while I might start to be interested in dating but nope not a flicker. I can't be arsed with the whole dating thing and wondering if they'll call or getting paranoid cos they haven't. Most of all I love having my bed to myself. It's pure bliss after years of having to wear ear plugs cos if his snoring.

Original poster

SingleDontWantToMingle · 16/05/2021 12:48

@katy1213

I can't even be bothered with him as an FWB. He's a perfectly nice guy but I don't want to use one of my DD free weekends to meet up with him, I'd rather go walking with the group.

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleDontWantToMingle · 16/05/2021 12:49

Most of all I love having my bed to myself. It's pure bliss after years of having to wear ear plugs cos if his snoring.

Ha! I got new bedding last week and I thought, I don't want to share this lovely, comfy bed with anyone.

OP posts:

HoldingTheDoor · 16/05/2021 12:50

I have as much desire for a relationship as I do for a dose of the Clap.

I like my space too much. I like not having to answer to anyone. I refuse to tolerate the behaviours that I've seen in so many friend's relationships, and yes I know that good ones exist but I have no desire for one. Perhaps that'll change at some point though I've felt like this for a long time now.

Original poster

SingleDontWantToMingle · 16/05/2021 12:52

I think it’s quite common, especially amongst women

I agree with this. Once the thought of children / more children is gone then I do wonder what the point of a relationship is.

The only thing I can think of is companionship- maybe I should just see what I feel like in a few years when DD is old enough to start developing her own social life.

OP posts:

Jongleurterre · 16/05/2021 12:52

Many years ago when I was 39 I was happily single and had no desire to meet anyone.

BUT, I did find myself blacklisted amongst married women friends as being a single woman and I was not included in some group activities such as dinner parties where couples were invited.

To be seen as some kind of threat was laughable as I had no interest in anyone else’s husband.

However, it got on my nerves with everyone constantly going on about my meeting someone blah blah blah.

So I reluctantly accepted a date and then ended up in a relationship which to be fair was exciting for the first year but then turned into the relationship from hell and I wasted 7 years of my life where instead I could have been perfectly happy if only I hadn’t listened to other people.

katy1213 · 16/05/2021 12:53

Well, that's easy then! Just tell him you enjoy the sociability of walking as a group and you'll see him with the rest of the gang!

Boopear · 16/05/2021 12:54

Oh, this is so me! The thought of feeling obligated to spend my lovely child free EOW with a man gives me the wibbles. Doesn't matter how nice they are - that is me time!

OhWhyNot · 16/05/2021 12:54

Then keep to that

And that’s absolutely fine. You may meet someone you feel lights a spark then again you may not

I was constantly infatuated by someone up until 42ish

I’m sure hormone driven now rarely anyone grabs my attention in that way and that actually quite nice I can just think about ds and I

Are men asked this question so often? no they are not

Original poster

SingleDontWantToMingle · 16/05/2021 12:56

@katy1213

I think there are a few things to unpack but I like spending time with DD on the weekends she is with me but equally I like the time to spend on my hobbies when she is with her dad.

The thought of a man and his 3 kids invading that precious time doesn't appeal.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 16/05/2021 12:58

I’m similar to you OP, I’m almost 40 and have been single for 5 years. I have tried dating and made a few friends but I don’t really want the whole relationship thing. I hike too and have a few other hobbies that I enjoy doing on my own or with a friend, I have 2 teen DD’s which keep me busy and I kind of feel I haven’t got the space or time in my life for anyone else. I enjoy not having to tell anyone where I am, enjoy buying what I like and doing what I like without considering anyone else 🤣

Original poster

SingleDontWantToMingle · 16/05/2021 13:00

@Jongleurterre

I wonder if the social blacklisting changes as we get older. The average age of divorce is 47 for a woman and 50 for a man. I think there must be a big pool of single people in their 40s and 50s.

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleDontWantToMingle · 16/05/2021 13:03

@Jongleurterre

Posted too soon.

I meant big pool of happily single people.

I think (as pp said) possibly hormone driven, at least for women. Also, once the fertile years are over, there doesn't seem to be any point, especially if you are financially comfortable without a man.

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 16/05/2021 13:11

Same here...I have had a few flings the were enjoyable but I don’t want them in my everyday life and I don’t want to be dealing with other people’s children either and cerrtainly not as my own have grown up.
I do sometimes go through periods of wishing there was someone special in my life...a bit of male company.
I do OLD but am not active on it, I will occasionally repond to someone but it is dire with the same line of questioning to respond to.
If it gets as far as texting I find I cannot be doing with someone invading my life and texting me 'good morning' I have obviously been on my own too long and used to doing my own thing.

Original poster

SingleDontWantToMingle · 16/05/2021 13:18

@crimsonlake

Exactly. DD is still quite small but I don't want the attention she gets to be diluted by 3 other kids.

Apart from my niece and nephew, I can't really be bothered with other people's kids anyway.

OP posts:

OhWhyNot · 16/05/2021 13:24

I’m finding as I get older I am far less giving

In your situation 10 years ago I would have wanted to help so probably would have been pulled in to some sort of relationship

Now peri menopausal I’m quite the opposite

I can’t be doing with sharing my energy ds is enough and the cat it’s so empowering to feel this way

Dugee · 16/05/2021 13:27

My sis is similar. I don't think it helps that the quality of men on the market is low.

She finds that a lot of men she dates want to move in straight away - because she has a nice house. So be careful of that too.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/05/2021 13:27

Yes me. I am 30, I've got a DS who is almost 8 and I've been single since he was 10 months old.

I had a stepdad myself when I was younger and it wasn't great so I don't want to force DS into that situation. I'm not interested anyway, I like doing things my own way, I own my own house and don't want to share it with a man.

I do about 85% of the day to day childcare. So I don't have much time to date anyway. When DS is at his dad's house the last thing I want to do is go on an awkward date with someone I might not even like. My free time is precious and I'd rather spend it with friends whose company I enjoy.

crimsonlake · 16/05/2021 13:29

Even if it were an option I would not date anyone who had dependent children.
At this stage in my life I have been through bringing up my children. Likewise when mine were younger I was certainly not going to put them through the nightmare of what blending families seems to be. In fact I would not even consider moving a man in with no ties.
I think you can have fun whilst keeping both separate, but of course you both have to be on the same wavelength.
I always put my children first when my ex left so I guess that is why I am still on my own. Now I simply cannot imagine someone making demands on my time.

Original poster

SingleDontWantToMingle · 16/05/2021 13:30

Now peri menopausal I’m quite the opposite

I've wondered if I'm peri menopausal. I always used to have crush after crush. Now I'm just not interested.

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleDontWantToMingle · 16/05/2021 13:32

I don't think it helps that the quality of men on the market is low.

There are a huge amount of creepy, barely literate men on OLD sites.

OP posts:

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