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Original poster

It's 16 years today I lost my lad.

71 replies

Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 04:29

Hi all,
Long time lurker. Yoni Brian, Sistine Chapel screamer and Korean Nan etc.

I don't know really why I'm posting. I think I just need to unload.

It's 16 years ago today that I gave birth to my boy. I was 17. My boy was born at 32 weeks, he was 2lb 5oz and had Down syndrome. My lad fought as hard as he could but only lived for 20 hours. I miss him, it really hurts. More today than ever before and I can't explain why. I want my boy here, I want to kiss and cuddle him and I want him to know that he is my entire world.
I have a stepdaughter now, she's 11 and a pain in the arse but absolutely incredible, she makes me laugh on a daily basis but I want my boy.

OP posts:
tartantroosers · 16/05/2021 04:34

It's heartbreaking to read your post and I'm so sorry you lost him. Just wanted to say that there will be many other people along to offer a shoulder but it's the small hours of the night which bring things home isn't it. He will always be with you.

Idontknowanymore05 · 16/05/2021 04:34

Just wanted to send you hugs. He's looking down at you and he knows he is your entire world ❤ I had a twin stillbirth, so I know the pain. ❤

Are you planning on doing anything for him today to celebrate his birthday? Xx

SuperSleepyBaby · 16/05/2021 04:37

Thinking of your lovely little boy.

That must have been so hard especially for a 17 year old to deal with.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 16/05/2021 04:37

I’m so sorry about your boy.

Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 04:42

I don't celebrate his birthday normally, I usually go to see him in his resting place quietly but I find that I get myself ridiculously emotional and then I feel ashamed. There are only two days that get me, Mother's Day and his birthday. I can never sleep the night before his birthday and I'm always snappy and horrible on the day. My husband (not his dad) is fantastic and truly wonderful, but I can't stop wanting to hide in bed all day sniffing the first babygro he ever wore. The smell is all but disappeared now. I just want to hold him once more. I'm having therapy for various issues and my boy is one, I just wish I didn't feel like I wanted to be beside him in his plot.

Thank you both for replying x

OP posts:
Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 04:50

Thank you Super, I was a stroppy, horrible nobhead then and my mum would've been the most amazing support if I'd let her in but no, I decided to be a complete tit and labour alone. Once I finally delivered him the midwife took him away to clean and weight him and I tightly closed my eyes! I didn't want to look in case he looked like his abusive father! That all changed when he cried for though, I snatched him out of the midwife's arms and held him tight! Mother's instinct is amazing!

OP posts:
Greenbks · 16/05/2021 04:51

I’m so sorry, the smell thing got me. I often wish I had something of my son with his smell on it that I could snuggle and fall asleep to. He was healthy but very premature and therefore not able to survive and hadn’t developed a smell by then.

Do what you need to do today, stay in bed cuddle his grow.

17 is very young to go through something like that, it almost broke me when I went through it last year at 29, so it must’ve been incredibly difficult. I’m glad you’re getting therapy now, it can help and I hope that it helps you.

Your boy only ever knew your incredible love, you are his mum and he is your boy, you both will
Always have that.

I’ll be thinking of you both today and send you & your lovely lad all my love and support.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/05/2021 04:57

Sending hugs and warm wishes.
I’m glad to hear you have sought therapy, it’s an incredibly hard thing to go through. There are support groups too, if you think that might help you.

He sounds like an absolute trooper, just like his lovely mum. Flowers

Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 05:05

I can't believe that you are all being so lovely. Thank you so much. I felt like I can open up here because it's anonymous, however if you recognise in real life then please don't out me because I need this.

The first year was hard. More difficult than I ever thought possible. I found simple things like washing and dressing a struggle but I've got better at coping as time has gone on to the point in the past few years I've just nodded at my resident robin, or acknowledged the white feather that has appeared from nowhere. I wonder if it's because it's his 16th today that I'm having a massive wobble.

He was wonderful, he smelt just like a newborn, me and a bit like the alcohol cleaning wipes they use before cannulating

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 16/05/2021 05:12

I'm so sorry OP. To go through that at any age is so hard, but at 17 you were a child yourself.

You have a right to grieve in whatever way you want. Would it help to tell us a little bit more about your wonderful son?

Thinking of you

Cheeseistheanswer · 16/05/2021 05:17

I’m so sorry OP. Thinking of you and sending you lots of love. It’s completely understandable to feel emotional, spend today however you need to. And if it helps to talk, tell us more about your little boy. 💐

Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 05:35

I'd love to tell you about him!

His name is Keston (again, if you recognise me then please allow my anonymity)

When he opened his eyes they were huge and a real sea green colour, he had Downs
syndrome so his facial features were altered somewhat but he was still utterly gorgeous.

He was so tiny at birth, slightly longer than my hand but he didn't half a set of lungs on him - I was in a private room due to the consultants expecting him to die before or immediately after birth but when he cried he was louder than the babies on the ward!!

Once I'd finally opened my eyes and held him the midwife gave me a tiny bottle to give him but warned me he probably wouldn't take it, approximately 3 mins later I asked if she had another one as he drank the lot!

I changed him and put a tiny little nappy on him and he was dressed in a grey baby grow with blue and white fluffy clouds all over it and a white hand knitted (by me!) cardigan.

He spent a lot of time sleeping and I was given the option from the consultants to pump him full of medicine and have him go into surgery to repair his hole in his heart and also to do experimental surgery on his kidneys, or I could withdraw treatment and enjoy the time I had with him. So I chose that option, I question myself lots on my decision but it was right for us both at that time.

OP posts:
Tickledtrout · 16/05/2021 05:57

Oh OP your mother's love for Keston shines on.
I am so sorry for your loss and for your pain and will be thinking of you and him today Flowers.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 16/05/2021 06:06

Keston sounds like an amazing little boy. I've not cone across the name before but love it. It sounds strong and unusual so absolutely the right name for him.

I'm so glad you got to hold him and feed him. And that he wore something made by you. In his short life he knew he was loved.

Reinventinganna · 16/05/2021 06:11

Keston is a beautiful name. I’m really sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 06:17

It's a town in Bromley but I didn't know that at the time! It supposedly has has roots in old English and also Scandinavian countries. I didn't have a name for him whist he was in utero, I also has no idea what I was having until he arrived! My wonderful, talented and simply special midwife was Irish and I said the name Keston jumped out at me once me and him had locked eyes and she said "Keston is an Irish name, it means strong and by that I mean a wheelbarrow" to be fair to her she had been solely looking after me for almost 15 hours at this point and was sat on the end of my bed massaging my feet! I will never forget her kindness, I sometimes wish I could bump into her at the supermarket so I could hug her!

OP posts:
HurryUpBetelgeuse · 16/05/2021 07:57

Oh love, I am so sorry for the loss of your gorgeous boy. All he ever knew was love.
[Flowers]Flowers

EssentialHummus · 16/05/2021 08:02

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Thinking of you today Flowers

flashylamp · 16/05/2021 08:04

I'm so sorry OP, I never know the right thing to say, but I want you to know you are in my thoughts Thanks

Imtootired · 16/05/2021 08:05

Rest In Peace to your lovely baby and I’m sure he could feel how loved he was xxxx

Cheermonger · 16/05/2021 08:06

So sorry for your loss. Your love for Keston shines out through your words and he will have known how loved he was. I am virtually holding your hand through today x

Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 08:12

I'm tearing up because of all your kindness, he got a death certificate due to being alive into the next day. I had a small funeral for him but he didn't travel in a hearse, instead he travelled in a family limo on my knee. I didn't want to be parted from him on his final journey. The funeral directors were amazing, because he was a baby I didn't have to pay for their services, we have since used them as our first choice for our dearly departed family members as they were so kind.

I've never missed him and reflected quite as much as I am doing today. I think 16 years of shock have suddenly hit me. I'm never going to see him again and it's not fair. I miss my baby and I would literally move mountains to have him in my arms for just one more minute. Everything hurts.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/05/2021 08:13

I'm so sorry you lost your lovely son. Have you ever thought of getting in touch with that midwife again? She will remember you and it might be really healing for you. 💐

Lotsachocolateplease · 16/05/2021 08:13

It’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel however you like. Today will always be a difficult day for you. You will never forget your beautiful baby boy and that time in your life that was life changing for you.
I’m so glad you had a wonderful midwife with you. I’m so glad you got to hold your baby, dress him, feed him and spend some time with him.
And I’m so glad mumsnet exists for you, to anonymously speak freely and get support.
Look after yourself today. Do what you need to do and remember Keston, your beautiful boy.
Flowers

Alexapissoff · 16/05/2021 08:18

You made such a brave choice for your baby. Your love for him shines though and you sound like a remarkable woman Flowers

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