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Original poster

It's 16 years today I lost my lad.

71 replies

Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 04:29

Hi all,
Long time lurker. Yoni Brian, Sistine Chapel screamer and Korean Nan etc.

I don't know really why I'm posting. I think I just need to unload.

It's 16 years ago today that I gave birth to my boy. I was 17. My boy was born at 32 weeks, he was 2lb 5oz and had Down syndrome. My lad fought as hard as he could but only lived for 20 hours. I miss him, it really hurts. More today than ever before and I can't explain why. I want my boy here, I want to kiss and cuddle him and I want him to know that he is my entire world.
I have a stepdaughter now, she's 11 and a pain in the arse but absolutely incredible, she makes me laugh on a daily basis but I want my boy.

OP posts:
CarolinaWeeper · 16/05/2021 08:21

I am so sorry. Your story has had me in tears and to go through that at 17, as a poster said....you were a child yourself. 16 will be a landmark, heck he would be almost the same age you were when you had him. Your love does shine through and even though he's gone that love never dies. Be kind to yourself today.

FAQs · 16/05/2021 08:22

@Zephyr5 you might be able to track down the midwife, my friend is a midwife and I know many patients stay in her mind and she never forgets them, so sorry for your loss, he sounds gorgeous.

Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 08:22

The midwife was a peri-natal psychiatric midwife - niche profession! She was assigned to me when I was 7 weeks pregnant and I'm not sure the woman ever slept because I could phone her, text her, request a visit all at the drop of a hat and she was there. I was assigned such a midwife due to having bipolar and a lot of bipolar drugs aren't compatible with pregnancy and birth.
I didn't ask her age but she must've only have been 22/23 at the most but she was my absolutely rock! She held my lad before anybody else once I finally gave birth, she told me that I had a Son, and that I should open my eyes to look at him because he was gorgeous, she wasn't wrong. He was perfect. I'm sorry I'm all emotional tonight. I just needed to unload. I know other Mothers have been through similar and they are fine, but today, I'm not okay.

OP posts:
gymbummy · 16/05/2021 08:24

I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful boy. Be kind to yourself, your heart has been broken x

Vebrithien · 16/05/2021 08:38

Your love for you son shines through.

All he ever knew was your love.

Did he have much hair? If so, what colour was it?

Take care of yourself today, you made such a hard choice, as little more than a child yourself.

Elderflower14 · 16/05/2021 08:40

OP... So much being sent to you... I lost my eldest son J when he was born prematurely and lived for two hours.... He would have been 26 now.... Huge hugs...

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 16/05/2021 08:43

I’m so sorry, lovely. What a heartbreaking thing to go through at such a young age. You’ll always be Keston’s mother, and you made an incredibly brave and loving decision to spare your beautiful boy suffering. Flowers

ElderMillennial · 16/05/2021 08:45

OP I'm so sorry. Your posts made me cry. It's not fair. My baby girl died at 40 weeks. She would have been 2 this year. I don't know what to say other than that I have lost a baby too and we are here if you want to talk about your beautiful boy Flowers

Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 08:46

He did have hair! He had a full head of wispy ginger hair, and exactly the same as my hair colour! He also had freckles like me too, only tiny and very subtle but I couldn't help thinking he was like a tiny cabbage patch kid! 😀

I have no idea how to quote but you and baby J are in my thoughts. Losing a baby is just horrific. I can still remember the first day I got home without him, I sat leaning on his cot and cried into clothes that he would never wear. I can't believe I'm still alive a lot of the time!

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 16/05/2021 08:51

Bloody hell, OP, you poor thing. You're incredibly brave to have survived this and your son would be so proud of you. I'm so glad you have a lovely husband, I'm sure having a wonderful SC must be bittersweet at times. Nobody on earth could ever blame you for those feelings of grief. Continue with the counselling - you're doing everything 'right'. Xx

Arbadacarba · 16/05/2021 08:57

I'm so sorry you lost Keston. Your description of him as a tiny cabbage patch kid is very sweet. Flowers

BirdyBee · 16/05/2021 09:00

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy, all he knew was total love from you, you are so brave and incredible, will be thinking of you and your son today xx

Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 09:01

Aside from my therapist, my husband and my mother, I can't talk about my boy to anyone. With my husband I'm worried he will think I don't love his daughter anymore (won't happen, she's a stroppy, high maintenance nobhead 11 year old but I love her. I'll stand by her until my dying day) I tried to talk to my mum about him once, years ago on a Mother's Day, I said I felt sad because I am a mum but don't get a card. My mum replied "How do you think I feel?! He is was my grandchild!" - I think it was probably foot in mouth syndrome but I've just not bothered to try to talk to her again about him. Luckily, my therapist is great! 🤣

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 16/05/2021 09:02

It's very hard op.
My boy was born sleeping at 35 weeks 14 years ago this year.
I think about him everyday i found it doesn't get easier you just learn to cope with the grief more as time goes on .
I'm thinking of you hun 🌷🌷🌷🌷

ThankYouHunkyJesus · 16/05/2021 09:04

I'm so sorry for your loss op. Keston sounds gorgeous and you're incredible for making sure his life was full of pure love. Your boy knew how much you love him. The midwife sounds amazing too. Maybe it might help you to write to her, even if you don't send it.

Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 09:08

Sameboat, you are absolutely right. We never forget and the pain doesn't leave us we just adapt and learn how to miss our babies without it getting in the way of "normal" life. It's things like I was having a cig at my back door at dusk last night and I watched so many bats flying around, virtually skimming my head, eating horribly bitey insects as they should. It's times like that I forget myself and think "oh! I'll call Keston downstairs to witness this brilliance" it's a definite punch in the tit.

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 16/05/2021 09:11

I'm so so sorry. What a huge thing to have had to go through and at such a tender age.

Of course you want your boy. Thanks

Inthesameboatatmo · 16/05/2021 09:20

@zephyr5 , it is little things like that definitely.
I have another son who is now 8 and I often look at him and think would G be like that ,would he look like that ,and at times you cant help it .
But it's a punch in the gut always .
Be kind to yourself, dont blame yourself.
I still blame myself now even though it was nothing I did or could have done, but i couldn't protect him as a mother should

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/05/2021 09:27

I'm so sorry, Zephyr5. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sleep peacefully with the Angels, Keston.

tiktok · 16/05/2021 09:30

You write so beautifully about your son, OP.

We know enough about babies to know they feel love. He would know he was loved and you were near.

Perhaps your mum might be open to talking about him now? Your sadness and loss is hard to experience alone. And though her remark was crass and tactless it does show she felt the loss of your little son, too.

susandsprite · 16/05/2021 09:34

This has made me cry , yours and kestons story is just beautiful and all the tiny details you remember are perfect pure love , you say you have no one to talk to in real life , why don't you come back to this thread every time you wish to talk about him and how your feeling at the time , everyone on this thread already and more will be notified you've posted and come back to be there with you and listen 💕 you sound like an incredible mother to him that will never not be real even if you feel like there is no card on Mother's Day to remind you . We are al involved in your story and background now so we are the perfect people to help you with an ear xx

Original poster
Zephyr5 · 16/05/2021 09:39

Oh I've no doubt my mum felt it too. We have a fantastic relationship now, but she's very matter of fact and would probably tell me that there's a time and place to be sad and 16 years later isn't it!
I just feel so guilty, what if the heart and kidney surgery would've worked, what if I wrote him off too soon, what if he could still be alive with me now. I went ridiculously off the rails when he died, I drank too much, did all of the drugs that I could shovel inside me and was a general nightmare. He wouldn't be proud of his mum then, but I've really straightened my life out now. I have a lovely husband, a gorgeous stepdaughter (who is turning me greyer by the day!), a nice house with a dog and I've got a handle on my mental health issues!! I hope he can see me now and I hope he would be proud of his mum.

OP posts:
CatChant · 16/05/2021 09:46

If the proposed surgery had been anything other than the forlornest of hopes you would have been encouraged to go ahead with it.

As it was, you spared your lovely Keston pain and suffering and ensured he knew nothing but love in his entire life.

I am so sorry. Losing a child is the cruellest pain in the world. Flowers

LivingMyBestLife2020 · 16/05/2021 10:05

I don’t have any other words than what’s already been said but you sound amazing x

ElderMillennial · 16/05/2021 10:06

If the proposed surgery had been anything other than the forlornest of hopes you would have been encouraged to go ahead with it.

This OP.

You wouldn't have made a decision like that without some clear indications from the medical team. Don't feel guilty.

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