How do you makes friends when you hit middle age?

[midnightiswherethedaybegins]

I’m at a complete loss as to how I make friends. I feel awkward for saying that because it’s often a given that by this age, we have our friendship groups sorted! I’m a headteacher and can’t befriend the parents in my child’s class for obvious reasons. I can’t befriend colleagues even though we get on really well. I don’t have time for hobbies, but would just like a friend to catch up with and do stuff with on the odd weekend or school holiday. Any ideas?

Joined a dowsing group when 60

What's dowsing?

I hear you OP. Some of my closest friends are younger than me, by 20 years sometimes. This is nice and keeps me feeling relevant.

Still it could be months before any of my friends make the first call to check in with me..

I moved to my current location as an adult so don't have old friends or family around me. I have only really made friends through my hobbies e.g. dance class, a meet up crochet/knitting group (not an old lady one!) and some friends through baby groups.

Unfortunately, I think you'll have to engage in a regular group to help make friends. Second meet up mentioned above, as I think this is often for people who are looking at making friends.

If you don't want to join a group try Bumble Best Friend

@romany4

Joined a dowsing group when 60

What's dowsing?

It’s working with a pendulum or rods to tap into your intuition, find water, for health etc

There’s a society british society of dowsers where you can find local groups..ours is an hour away
Here’s the groups on their websites
They are a lovely bunch of people
britishdowsers.org/local-dowsing-groups/

I have made a few new friends through volunteering at kids' activities. This is good because you meet regularly and have a focus but also time to chat/suggest a social or whatever that allows friendships to grow. Also I do open water swimming and can see scope for making friends there but it would require a bit of "putting myself out there" - getting chatting, suggesting we grab a coffee, arranging to do something similar again. I think you have to develop a thick skin and see it like scattering seeds - you don't know which will develop but if you scatter enough some will germinate. Also, if you have social media you can put a shout out "anyone fancy this gig?" And you might get a response from a random acquaintance that you find out you have more in common with than you thought. I have even met people via Mumsnet! Antenatal or weight loss or other long term threads - you get chatting, realise some are local, suggest a meet up, add them to social media and they become part of your circle

Join a WI. Not your nearest necessarily, but one that meets your needs.

I always make friends at gyms, people seem to want to talk to me and I end up spending more time chatting and not enough time exercising. Now I suss out out quickly if I may like them as a friend and arrange a meet up away from the gym. Then I wind it down with the other chatters.

Another vote for the Meetup app.
Or invite me, I love a coffee and a matter

I will have a coffee and chat with you op

I made friends through volunteering. But I always find it amazing how people who go to church, of whatever denomination, seem to be in various groups, social activities etc connected with the church so I would recommend that if you have even a tiny bit of faith!

Do you get on with your depute? Most hts I know are good friends with their depute and other hts. Not sure age range at WI but you seem young to join that. I would imagine you are probably so busy during term time with work and your children you don't have a lot of time for friends- other teacher friends are good as they understand lots of catch ups in the hols and quieter during term time.

I sympathise OP. I have done all the suggestions here bar running groups (health) and have not made one long term friendship... I have also lost some due to lockdown (now see they where just using me before C19)..
I find it hard right now as I am also about to become an empty nester next Autumn.
I have 2 friends I met through work and that is it. They have been cacooning. I would love to have social friends but others seem to have enough friends or more commonly extended family.

I sympathise OP, it's really difficult. Good idea setting yourself the goal of asking people to do things- this is something I'll aspire to do.

Watching with interest. I've moved around the country and tend to find that people I meet already have their own established friendship groups, so we never get close as they don't need me and I don't want to appear to be chasing after them When DS was a baby we lived in an inner-city area and there were no NCT groups for miles, plus I didn't drive. I'm a member of a literary society, but most of the other members are retired and have more time for each other. Book group with lots of wine sounds good!

Hello from me.

I often see terrible sneering on MN about trying to make friends. You get a better reception if you say you are a serial killer with the clap.

I agree that often people are friendly enough, but are “no vacancies” as they already have a group. I got on very well with a woman at work, meeting up for coffee outside work, and she was talking about her upcoming 50th. She was arranging an afternoon tea for her “16 closest friends”. Sadly it appeared I was at best no. 17....

Another time a woman I met on a course asked me to meet for coffee, where she told me she had enough friends but if she had a vacancy she’d be in touch. I was speechless!

And then there was my old very good friend. I went to her new flat only to spy a (naff) photo frame bearing the legend “The women in my life”. I had not made one of the eight slots

It is very hard.

@IrmaFayLear - that's rough! I really hate the 'assertive' Americanized self-help-speak some people come out with. They think they are 'drawing boundaries' and 'taking care of themselves' but often it is just bloody rude.

I'd forgotten about this until reading your post, but I had a similar experience years ago when I got friendly with a woman who lived in the next street - we were both involved in a local charity and now and then we'd have a glass of wine. A couple of times she fed my cat when I was away for the weekend (the charity was actually Cats Protection and she had 4 cats of her own) - no problem if she couldn't do it: I had other people I could ask, and was always clear about that with her. Anyway, I rang her one evening and after chatting for a while, she suddenly took a deep breath (not audibly, but...) and launched into this massive spiel she'd obviously prepared about how busy she was and how she really couldn't make any time for me and I mustn't take it personally. It was just like what you recounted - being told she didn't have a 'vacancy' for me. I felt gutted, it was actually awful, really disproportionate - I was cordiality itself, and we never spoke again.

In similar vein, a very old friend who I'd lost touch with contacted me on Myspace, back when that was a thing. I was delighted to hear from her and emailed her back. In her reply, she felt the need to point out to me that she had 3 kids and a busy life and her best friends all understood that and gave her some space. WTF? She lives in New Zealand now, she looked me up and I replied. I am genuinely quite a reserved person, not gushy or needy. Maybe I overreacted, but I never contacted her again. People seem to be terrified of having their time/space invaded in some way, you need an appointment to make a phone call, it drives me mad!

Virtual glove punch of solidarity, @MrsLCSofLichfield .

People can be so rude and hurtful. And seemingly proud about it!

My friends come from a few groups:

• a small number I grew up with who I’ve been friends with since we were kids
• uni friends
• a small number of friends made through work (I work in a male dominated industry so the girls tend to stick together!)
• friends made through running club and parkrun volunteering

Then there’s people I know through the gym well enough to stop for a chat with in the street sort of level but I wouldn’t generally make plans to socialise with them unless it was an event through the gym

@Irmafaylear that is my experience too. All my friends have closer friends. Im outgoing up to a point, positive, good humoured, supportive! Do i sound arrogant saying that? I am also number 17 at best though! So to speak.
Your post made me smile. 🍷

We need a no.17 club!

We do! 🍷
We are out there. We just need to find each other.

Sympathise OP. It is really hard to make friends as an adult with a demanding job, I also struggle with this. You're definitely going about it the right way though with starting off inviting people.
I don't have an answer for the problem of you being the one who does the organising and arranging, as that task often falls to me too. Could it be that people automatically see you as an efficient professional person and there fore they assume you'll do the planning?

@IrmaFayLear

Hello from me.

I often see terrible sneering on MN about trying to make friends. You get a better reception if you say you are a serial killer with the clap.

I agree that often people are friendly enough, but are “no vacancies” as they already have a group. I got on very well with a woman at work, meeting up for coffee outside work, and she was talking about her upcoming 50th. She was arranging an afternoon tea for her “16 closest friends”. Sadly it appeared I was at best no. 17....

Another time a woman I met on a course asked me to meet for coffee, where she told me she had enough friends but if she had a vacancy she’d be in touch. I was speechless!

And then there was my old very good friend. I went to her new flat only to spy a (naff) photo frame bearing the legend “The women in my life”. I had not made one of the eight slots

It is very hard.

Honestly, I haven't got the time, energy or inclination for new friends, right now at least. I wouldn't actually say this in RL, then again I wouldn't go out for coffee etc unless there was a good reason!