Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

[LemonRoses]

Only rude for males to wear hats inside.

[EssentialHummus]

As a young adult I was invited to a friend's family home and replied with "Yes I'd love that, can I bring [new boyfriend] too?"

At the time what was going through my head was that the dinner (a religious festival) was a really special and important one and I wanted my then-BF/now DH to experience it, but I think about that now and go five shades of red.

The host agreed but never invited me again.

[JulietMadeChutney]

@HeddaGarbled

Don’t take all of the lovely runny end of the Brie/Camembert/other lovely runny cheese. Take a slice along the length so that other people can have a share of the best bit. I learned this after getting told off at a slightly posher than I was used to dinner party.

I only found this out a few years back - and it supposedly holds true for all cheeses - not just the runny ones. The middle of the cheese - which tends to be the pointy bit on a wedge - is called the "nose" and is generally the best bit of a cheese....hence you are not supposed to cut the nose off - as it means you are hogging all the best bit for yourself.

Of course it means it is an utter ball-ache trying to cut a thin slither off!

[HarebrightCedarmoon]

I never heard the white dress at a wedding thing until MN, I went to dozens of weddings in the 00s with guests in cream and white and no-one batting an eyelid about it. Some of my friends wore cream and white to mine in 2004 and they look lovely - they clearly aren't wearing a bridal gown. I wore a cream trouser suit and black shirt and hat to a friend's wedding before. I will continue to ignore that one.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

Plump
Yes, that's what I mean, great to be polite and ask, but encourage some sort of thought.
You know when young kids in school have to say, "Good morning Mrs Jones", or whatever, they clearly aren't even thinking about what they're saying, let alone giving a shit whether Mrs Jones is here or there.
Polite, maybe, pointless, definitely.

[HarebrightCedarmoon]

What I used to find really difficult was office etiquette. Closed office door, someone having a meeting. How important is your message and do you need to interrupt them?

[IHaveBrilloHair]

@JulietMadeChutney
With cheese you are supposed to follow the line so it stays the original shape as much as possible.
I get around that by not sharing mine, I've even been known to bite the nose right off

[overnightangel]

Please could someone explain the double dipping thing?

[SeanChailleach]

No hats indoors rule for men is like leave your weapons at the door - a man wearing a hat is protecting his head, which suggests he might be going to start a fight.
I grew up with this and the "women must cover their hair" rule, which mainly applied to church.
We were taught all the manners and etiquette for England and other countries. In some places it's seen as greedy to eat with a knife and fork, you have to cut up the food and eat with the fork. In lots of places you eat with the fingertips of the right hand only. Chinese and Japanese chopsticks have different rules. Mostly it's rude to burp, but in some places, allegedly, it's polite.
My mum gently taught us all the rules. Some of my aunts used to scream at us and sneer at my mum if we made mistakes such as eating soup with the dessertspoon. (Soup goes on wide shallow soup plates and is picked up with the far edge of the spoon so as to cool it down without blowing on it, which is obviously hazardous these days.)
We grew up with so many rules, but we never learned how to make people feel comfortable and enjoy themselves.

[KillingMeDeftly]

I put the knife and fork down together neatly, tines upwards, at the 5.25 position and was publicly reprimanded that it should be the 6.30 position. I was in my 50s.

I'd be finding some new friends @TheDogsMother. How rude!

[Nannewnannew]

I was always taught, as a child, to never interrupt when people are talking. That seems to have been forgotten about now by most people-apart from me! I sit waiting to say something and then, when I do, somebody hijacks the conversation- or maybe they find me just plain boring! 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

@IHaveBrilloHair

The knife and fork one in the wrong hands is silly, but I'll admit to inwardly cringing when people don't use cutlery properly.
Dd used to tell me to shush when I'd watch CDWM, and yell, "knife like pen", at the TV.

Yes me too. Holding cutlery is obviously a dying art.

I think it’s because it’s one of those things you’re taught to do properly and then it’s really noticeable if people aren’t taught it.

I always wonder if people who hold like a pen notice the people holding it differently too though?

[Hollyhocksarenotmessy]

It's interesting how upper class manners are supposed to trump working class manners. I was raised to say pardon instead of what, and what still sounds incredibly rude to me. Other people find what polite and pardon, well, lower class rather than actually rude. This is just snobbery. Why are we supposed to aspire to being upper/middle class instead of working class? Why is is it 'better'? It's a value judgement on people's worth/culture. It's not better to be upper class/middle class, it's just different.

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

My parents didn't drink alcohol (no particular health or religious reasons, they just didn't drink it) so I didn't know until I visited a friend's house and was offered wine, that you didn't start drinking it until the host did. I was given a glass of wine and took a sip before the friend's aunt was ready and she made a comment that I'd had a sip. I guess it's the same as food when you wait to start, but you don't generally wait to have a sip of lemonade or orange juice, so I hadn't realised there was a difference with alcohol!

As for rounds in pubs, I don't think that it is good manners to have expensive drinks or meals and then expect the person having one course and tap water to chip in equally with everyone else.

[NotImpossible]

What is considered 'good manners' can vary depending on the company (otherwise people wouldn't ' not realise' until they were older. Personally, for me the height of bad manners is pointing out another adult' s 'lapse' to them. Yes, this has happened to me. It's crap and I've always thought less of the person who does it.

[PassGo]

I realised nobody went anywhere in the day without taking cake / chocolates / biscuits.

This seems quite new to me. I was surprised when someone brought biscuits when they came round for a coffee. It isn't meant to be a formal occasion and bringing food seems like overkill. Better if you eat my biscuits and perhaps offer me one of yours if I come round for coffee.

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

@Seainasive

I seriously had no idea you’re not supposed to wear a white dress to a wedding. I wish someone had told me. Its 20 years ago now and I still cringe about that one.

That's only on MN. I wore a cream dress (albeit with a pattern) on it to a wedding two years ago and didn't see anyone looking askance at me. In no world could I have looked like I was competing with the bride. And it was sold in the wedding guest section of the Phase Eight website!

[WeWantAMackerelNotASprat]

@overnightangel double dipping is when you get a crisp/breadstick, dip it in the hummus and then put the bit you've bitten back in so adding your saliva to the dip!

[MindtheBelleek]

@overnightangel

Please could someone explain the double dipping thing?

You have a Pringle/carrot stick/corn chip in your hand. You dip it into the communal bowl of hummus/salsa/guacamole and take a bite. There is still half of the Pringle/carrot stick/corn chip left, so you dip into the communal bowl again, complete with traces of your saliva/lipstick/whatever, which makes the communal bowl unappealing to others.

Or you do what my MIL does, which is to help herself to the communal hummus with her knife to spread it on her bread, then lick the knife to clean it before returning it to the shared bowl for more. A really good, thorough lick.

DH talked to her. She got very cross and said we were being ‘fussy’. We. never eat anything shared now.

(She also believes its ‘good manners’ to cover restaurant food in salt and pepper before tasting it.I have never fathomed why, but suspect it’s to do with nerves and thinks it looks like confident savour-faire. Which in fairness is less annoying than my own mother’s belief that it’s ‘polite’ to pretend to waiters for several minutes that you’re far too full for pudding when she has every intention of ordering one — she just thinks you shouldn’t look eager as it’s ‘greedy’... )

[NewMatress]

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe.

I have never left my half full bottle of alcohol at a party, and I am not about to start. I don't care if its bad manners 🤣 my dp went to a Christmas work night and left nearly a whole bottle of vodka. I was horrified! I don't even drink vodka!

If you listen to MN it's shocking of your hosts not to provide all the drink, so you're no worse than them

MIL took great delight in explaining (loudly and publically) about not cutting the nose off the brie to my mum. Mum might have got it wrong but I know whose manners were worse and it was 20 years ago but I've never forgiven her

[IHaveBrilloHair]

@Thewinterofdiscontent
Maybe they think they're holding it correctly?
Minding you HKLP is nothing when you watch Americans eating with cutlery.
I watch a lot of US food vlogs and just boggle, it looks so uncomfortable, it's not remotely efficient and I can't believe how each individual hasn't figured it out.

[Tarararara]

@polyglot Could you elaborate on the salt 'code'? Are you saying you would turn to the person next to you (closer to the salt) and say 'would you like the salt' and they would say '' and offer you the salt?

This is a really interesting thread. I'm now au fait with the majority of these, but it was a steep learning curve at university (formal dinners), workplace dinners and weddings.

[PremierLynn]

I never knew about placing my cutlery together on my plate when I'd finished eating, until I was an adult!

[PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat]

It is really galling to watch a beautiful board of expensive cheese being mauled by people chopping off the nose, especially as it would be worse still to say anything about it!

[IHaveBrilloHair]

I don't double dip my own food, because I won't eat the whole tub at once and I don't really want to keep a tub of my own festering saliva in the fridge.