Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

am i being an unreasonable drama queen?

45 replies

AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 10:43

Looking for a bit of a reality check. Am I unreasonable or he is being a bit shitty?

Me and DP have only been together a few months but it’s honestly been some of the best times I’ve ever had with someone. I am head over heels. He has suggested he feels similar. We have a great time together, want the same things in life and I fancy him something rotten. BUT...he’s not the most experienced with relationships. I’ve had three long terms ones, lived with two. He’s a few years older and never lived with anyone and says he has never told anyone he loved them. He’s just very...withdrawn and quiet really, until you get to know him. It’s not a criticism as I love these things about him but at the same time I often feel like I am dating a teenager when trying to get him to let me into his daily life.

One thing that comes up a lot is that when it comes to weekend plans there is never much clarity with what is happening. He will sometimes text and say ‘are you free this weekend to meet?’ I find this so odd... we are months into a relationship and are exclusive, surely it’s expected we will meet at the weekends?

Then this coming weekend he said he MIGHT go up to see his dad, three hours away. Fine, no issues. He said we could maybe meet on Monday and he might take the day off. Fine, that’s a potential option. We can’t meet in the week generally because of both our work. Anyway...We’ve spoken this week and text etc but no mention of the weekend, no mention of whether he’s decided to go away and see his dad, no mention of taking Monday off...obviously I need to know if I am doing that.

I know I could ask him but I feel irritated really that this is his plan with his dad etc that he said he was going to think about then we’d decide what to do...and radio silence on the topic all week. It’s now Thursday?

I’ve made some other plans for the weekend now but I’m annoyed about it. I don’t feel like we are a team? Am I being dramatic and unfair?!

OP posts:
SunshineSuxx · 13/05/2021 10:46

You're not his first choice, you're just an option.

You're not being a drama queen, you're hurt by his lack of effort.

He's showing you who he really is - up to you if you believe him Flowers

Jongleurterre · 13/05/2021 10:48

Perhaps he is still holding on to the ingrained ways of being single?

Does he refer to you as his girlfriend?

Original poster
AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 10:48

I was worried someone might say that. It’s shit as when we are together he is wonderful. We also speak regularly and he is very respectful, kind, genuine.

I just can’t get my head around this lax approach to seeing each other. I like a lot of certainty though and panic when I don’t have it. That makes me wonder if I am being a bit much and being over the top. We see each other every weekend when it comes to it.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/05/2021 10:49

It's still very early doors. He potentially doesnt want to plan his free time to within an inch of his life, and that should be ok.

I was going to suggest you dont keep yourself free "just in case" but can see that you've already made alternative plans - and that's great!!

If he then mentions meeting up at the weekend, explain that as you and he didnt have anything booked in, you've made alternative arrangements. Then ask him there and then to make plans for the following weekend.

I also dont think it's great to assume this early on that "of course we will see each other at the weekend" as it's still new and presumably you both still have the usual stuff/people that you see at weekends to work around

Original poster
AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 10:50

@Jongleurterre he often says he’s sorry he is rubbish at relationships and that he doesn’t have much experience but he is trying his best etc. He said that in a moment when I said I was confused about his approach to arrangements.

I’m not sure how he refers to me. We both said months ago we were exclusive and in a relationship though.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 10:52

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz thanks for your thoughts! Do you think after six months that should be the case? In my experience after a few months of exclusive dating you pretty much plan your time mostly around each other. That’s not to say you don’t do other things but you always factor that person in? Maybe I am a bit too intense though!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/05/2021 10:54

Oh yes to factoring the person in - but I'd take him mentioning that he may be away this weekend as factoring you in.

"I'll just let OP know I'm probably not around this weekend so she can make her plans around me not being here"

LongTimeMammaBear · 13/05/2021 10:55

Can’t understand why you couldn’t just ask him if he still planned to go see his father and particularly, to confirm with him for you to take monday off from work

Communication is a two way street. Why not take the initiative to confirm arrangements instead of getting upset about this?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/05/2021 10:58

@LongTimeMammaBear

Can’t understand why you couldn’t just ask him if he still planned to go see his father and particularly, to confirm with him for you to take monday off from work

Communication is a two way street. Why not take the initiative to confirm arrangements instead of getting upset about this?

Exactly.

"DP, I know you mentioned probably being away this weekend so I just wanted to check if you would be back in time for a day out Monday, so I can book the day off"

Original poster
AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 10:59

@LongTimeMammaBear yes I could do that. I’m just bemused as to why he would say last weekend that he would let me know and then radio silence on it? Why should I chase him up on it? We’ve had a phone call since then and he didn’t mention it.

I know it is a two way street but I made it clear I would be happy to do Monday or whenever fitted in with his plans to see his dad and even after that he can’t be bothered to update me?

I feel annoyed about it as it seems like disregard for our time together. And because of that I start to think sod it then, we won’t meet.

Aside from this he is the man I always hoped to meet. It’s rubbish.

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 13/05/2021 11:00

Depending on how old he is it could just be that he is very set in his ways and so is not used to planning things with a partner - also that so far he has been able to go and do whatever he wants on the spur of the moment - old habits die hard
If you think he's worth the effort you could train him up lol

Original poster
AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 11:04

@Eviebeans

Depending on how old he is it could just be that he is very set in his ways and so is not used to planning things with a partner - also that so far he has been able to go and do whatever he wants on the spur of the moment - old habits die hard If you think he's worth the effort you could train him up lol
@Eviebeans he always talks about being inexperienced when we’ve had a few glasses of wine. I think that is part of it. It’s frustrating as we are so happy together. I hate sitting wondering what is going on every week though! We do always end up meeting but I think it’s rude to tell me he will let me know about the weekend and then he doesn’t mention it.

I want to ask but also part of me is amazed at what he will actually do..maybe he just won’t mention meeting at all and sail through the weekend casually texting?!

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 13/05/2021 11:09

I know, from a similar situation with my brother, who met someone he really liked (and is with now) but couldn't understand why she got irritated with certain things he did - that it is difficult to change their mindset especially if you have only ever needed to think about what you want to do, want to eat etc
once it has been pointed out to them they soon catch up...

Eviebeans · 13/05/2021 11:10

Of course only you will know if he is worth the effort

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 13/05/2021 11:20

This all seems pretty ridiculous to me. Just ask him. Seems pretty childish to me that you refuse to ask him because he should be telling you. I also found it very strange that you complained when he asks if you are free on the weekend because you think it should be assumed you spend all weekends together. You seem like a lot of work to me. So yes, I think you are being an unreasonable drama queen. Poor guy.

Seeline · 13/05/2021 11:24

How old is he?

Original poster
AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 11:26

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

This all seems pretty ridiculous to me. Just ask him. Seems pretty childish to me that you refuse to ask him because he should be telling you. I also found it very strange that you complained when he asks if you are free on the weekend because you think it should be assumed you spend all weekends together. You seem like a lot of work to me. So yes, I think you are being an unreasonable drama queen. Poor guy.
@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer yes I can be a bit intense and like clarity over things like this. I just think it’s on him to update me now, rather than me chase him.
OP posts:
Original poster
AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 11:26

@Seeline

How old is he?
@Seeline he’s 40, as of last weekend
OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 13/05/2021 11:27

6 months of dating and you think you should pretty much exclusively plan your time around each other and weekends together are the default?

That sound pretty intense for a short term relationship tbh.

By not mentioning something you are pissed off about, you are creating a game he doesn't know he is participating in, and therefore cannot win.

Chill out. Ask him what his plans are. And stop being so intense.

Seeline · 13/05/2021 11:30

SO he has got to the age of forty without having had a serious relationship? I'm not surprised he isn't really aware of how a couple works!

I think you need to clearly explain what your expectations are. I also think you need to communicate a bit yourself. He said he might not be around this weekend, so chase it up. Surely you've had some contact in the past week, All it takes is a Oh, by the way, have you decided what you're doing?

YABU

Original poster
AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 11:35

@Seeline yes he’s never had a serious relationship. He’s dated before though.

I know I should just ask. And I agree with @DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult to some extent.

Guess I just feel if I ask then it’s me chasing him. If he wanted to make sure we’d see each other then surely it would be on his radar to talk about it? I made it abundantly clear I wanted to see him last weekend and he said he would let me know.

So frustrating as we are so great together aside from this.

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 13/05/2021 11:36

If the last year has taught me anything it's that we shouldn't waste time (apart from on here of course)
If you're clear to him about what you want you'll get an idea if it's also what he wants

Arrierttyclock · 13/05/2021 11:39

If he hasn't mentioned it I would just assume he's seeing his dad. I also wouldn't expect to see my boyfriend every weekend after a few months because I'd like to also see my friends and him see his friends.

Original poster
AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 11:40

@Arrierttyclock I feel the same but we cannot see each other in the week usually...

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnnnndT · 13/05/2021 11:40

@Eviebeans yes I know you’re right. I like him huge amounts and miss him. Though I wouldn’t say it in such a clingy way to him!

OP posts: