am i being an unreasonable drama queen?

[AnnnnndT]

Looking for a bit of a reality check. Am I unreasonable or he is being a bit shitty?

Me and DP have only been together a few months but it’s honestly been some of the best times I’ve ever had with someone. I am head over heels. He has suggested he feels similar. We have a great time together, want the same things in life and I fancy him something rotten. BUT...he’s not the most experienced with relationships. I’ve had three long terms ones, lived with two. He’s a few years older and never lived with anyone and says he has never told anyone he loved them. He’s just very...withdrawn and quiet really, until you get to know him. It’s not a criticism as I love these things about him but at the same time I often feel like I am dating a teenager when trying to get him to let me into his daily life.

One thing that comes up a lot is that when it comes to weekend plans there is never much clarity with what is happening. He will sometimes text and say ‘are you free this weekend to meet?’ I find this so odd... we are months into a relationship and are exclusive, surely it’s expected we will meet at the weekends?

Then this coming weekend he said he MIGHT go up to see his dad, three hours away. Fine, no issues. He said we could maybe meet on Monday and he might take the day off. Fine, that’s a potential option. We can’t meet in the week generally because of both our work. Anyway...We’ve spoken this week and text etc but no mention of the weekend, no mention of whether he’s decided to go away and see his dad, no mention of taking Monday off...obviously I need to know if I am doing that.

I know I could ask him but I feel irritated really that this is his plan with his dad etc that he said he was going to think about then we’d decide what to do...and radio silence on the topic all week. It’s now Thursday?

I’ve made some other plans for the weekend now but I’m annoyed about it. I don’t feel like we are a team? Am I being dramatic and unfair?!

YANBU to dislike his apparent lack of planning, or being second place, whichever it is.

Some people are planners and some are not- "I might visit someone at the weekend" probably means he will see how he feels on the day.
Doesnt mean that he can't change if he wants to, maybe hes just not as into you as you think?

@starfishmummy yes that is my concern really. I’ve only raised it once and he seemed astounded that I thought he wasn’t bothered. He said he was very much bothered and was falling in love with me. But they’re just words not actions.

"He will sometimes text and say ‘are you free this weekend to meet?’ I find this so odd... we are months into a relationship and are exclusive, surely it’s expected we will meet at the weekends?"

Personally I would find it very intense if I had been seeing someone for a few months and they assumed that we would now see each other every weekend. I do get what you're saying about planning your weekend around each other, but I think that'd happen more at the living together stage of a relationship, and it still shouldn't be assumed that the whole weekend will be exclusively together. You both still need friends outside the relationship, and time away from each other, though if it is difficult to see each other in the week then I guess that's different. Do you live some distance from each other? If so then I guess that involves more planning.

@Hobnobsandbroomstick yeah we are about an hour apart. I would be happy to meet in the week but it’s just difficult as sometimes I finish work at 8 so it would be too late to spend time together. That just leaves the weekends.

@AnnnnndT I understand the frustration but really don’t understand how you’re reacting to it. Just ask. It’s not ‘chasing’ it’s asking. I think you’re framing this super negatively and almost trying to catch him out. You’re creating pointless anxiety for yourself.

What will stop you being stressed? Knowing weekend plans. So ask him. If you do t like the answer tell him why. If it happens again, and it’s a big deal to you: break-up. But don’t set traps or play games by testing him - you’re both too old for that self-sabotaging nonsense.

X

Men like to chase. Make life to easy and they just bumble along .
8 is not too late to meet and do pictures or something, but you set that as in stone and he accepted it.
Make him work to see you. If he won't then you know the truth.

@Whythesadface

Men like to chase. Make life to easy and they just bumble along . 8 is not too late to meet and do pictures or something, but you set that as in stone and he accepted it. Make him work to see you. If he won't then you know the truth.

Don't do this. Game playing has no part in a relationship. neither do ridiculous generalisations

Have a conversation about your expectations, and his, and then you'll see how compatible you are for the long term.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

“ Don't do this. Game playing has no part in a relationship.”

Couldn’t agree more! 👏🏼👏🏼

This is not game playing.
If one person is always the one to call or arrange things, the other partner tends to drop their interest level because there is no need for them to put any effort into the relationship. Backing off and seeing how much effort they will input is not playing a game, it's seeing if you matter

Backing off and seeing how much effort they will input is not playing a game, it's seeing if you matter

Or... hear me out here.... you could COMMUNICATE rather than waiting to see, and then, if things don't change after an honest conversation, end things.

Setting a trap without telling them and seeing if they fail is game playing.

I have mentioned it before and said I don’t want to go 2 or 3 weeks without seeing him.

The first time it came up that he seemed to be ok waiting three weeks to see me, I was very calm and just said that’s not what I want, I’d like to see you but if you’re busy then you’re busy. I then left him to it and a couple of days later he suggested meeting and had re arranged things so we could spend time together.

It’s the fact he’s seemingly not made the effort to make the time. This weekend he could see his dad Friday to Sunday and we could have takeaway Sunday night for instance. He just doesn’t like feeling like there’s a fixed plan when he has other things on at a similar time.

When we are together he is fully focused and fully engaged in it all. Even on the phone he will be chatting for hours and he’s interested and caring and great.

It’s just week to week there’s always a question mark over when exactly we will see each other.

He’s away with friends the weekend after this one. So if I don’t see him this weekend then I won’t see him at all for 3 weeks. Maybe that’s ok but it’s not what my other relationships have been like.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I wouldn’t assume that I’d spend every weekend with a boyfriend of 6 months. It’s really important to keep other interests and friends going too.

I’d want a plan though, if you weren’t meeting up, I’d want to plan something else.

If left plans up to my DH we wouldn’t do or see anyone ever
He’s just not a planner and goes with the flow, I like to plan and organise so I tend to make the plans

You sound intense and he sounds very relaxed. Just talk to him and organise the plans & it’ll be easier all round
IF you want to be ‘chased’ he won’t be the person for you, and it’ll cause resentment

I don't even think it's a relationship thing, my two best friends are like this!

We'll agree to get together at the weekend and it can literally get to Friday before either of them commit to a day or time, they'll even say things like "we'll meet Sunday afternoon?" I'll say "what time?" they say "oh let's just decide when we get up on Sunday"

Drives me up the feckin wall but they're my friends and I love them and just have to accept they are not the kind of people who like to be as military precision organised as I am 😂😂

Until something in your situation changes, this is how it works. You can make inroads in the right direction with him, get him to see your point of view, but definitely don't drop him for this! It is a rare man indeed but I know it's worth the wait.

I would find it irritating to not know what was happening. But I'd probably have said, well let me know by Thursday what you're doing so I can make other plans if we're not meeting up. I'd have said this at the point he vaguely said he might go see his dad.

Chasing would be if you were asking him every night.
As it is it appears he mentioned it once, last weekend, and then you haven’t followed up since because you think he should tell you what’s happening. And you’re getting annoyed that he hasn’t. That’s just odd. Ask him. Communicate. It will benefit both of you. And reframe it. You’re not chasing him, you’re confirming his plans so you know what you’re doing.

Been married 30 years so not based on current real life experience, but if DH and I split and I had been dating someone for 6 months I would find it pretty irritating and controlling if they expected me to base my entire social life around them. I have a life and plenty of friends I want to see and I wouldn't want to be joined at the hip. Even after being married 30 years DH doesn't expect me to spend all weekend with him and would check if I am free before making plans.