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Original poster

Would you class this as cheating?

43 replies

RollinOnARiver · 12/05/2021 23:22

Texting for 8 months, once a week at the least. Sometimes about mundane things, sometimes sexual.

Telling her he “fancies” her but also in the messages saying he would never leave his wife and family. Sharing photos with eachother including family days out.

He says it’s just fantasy, and that it’s not cheating because nothing has actually happened.

OP posts:
Cornishandproudofit · 12/05/2021 23:23

Of course it’s cheating! He’s taking the absolute piss out of you OP, he really is. You deserve so much better

PurpleDaisies · 12/05/2021 23:24

Does it matter what others think?

Are you prepared to be treated like that?

Ambo21 · 12/05/2021 23:24

It is a betrayal of trust.
Not acceptable.
Dressing it up in fancy words and phrases doesnt change that fact.

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Original poster
RollinOnARiver · 12/05/2021 23:30

@Ambo21

It is a betrayal of trust. Not acceptable. Dressing it up in fancy words and phrases doesnt change that fact.
You’re right it is a complete betrayal. I guess I was trying to justify it in the fact he hasn’t actually met her and it’s all just fantasy to him, but I know they’ve talked on the phone and they’ve waited until I’ve got to bed to do so.
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/05/2021 23:39

Ugh, yes of course it's cheating. He's waiting until you go to bed to chat to her and tell her he fancies her? And from her POV her self-respect must be on the floor if she's chatting to a man who's saying he fancies her but he wouldn't leave home for her.

What do you think you'll do?

Mylittlepony374 · 12/05/2021 23:42

I would pack my husbands bags for that. and change the locks. Sorry he's done that to you.

Thelnebriati · 12/05/2021 23:43

It sounds like an emotional affair, and yes I'd consider that cheating.
Developing a significant relationship like this is a stupid thing to do if you are invested in your marriage.

UnFringed · 12/05/2021 23:46

Yep cheating

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2021 23:50

Of course it's cheating. Don't allow him to gaslight you into thinking it's not.

Original poster
RollinOnARiver · 12/05/2021 23:54

@HollowTalk

Ugh, yes of course it's cheating. He's waiting until you go to bed to chat to her and tell her he fancies her? And from her POV her self-respect must be on the floor if she's chatting to a man who's saying he fancies her but he wouldn't leave home for her.

What do you think you'll do?

I found out yesterday, left his iPad on but I’ve had a suspicion for a few months, he tells me all ties are cut. And I agree about her self worth but she is 28!!!!! He is 44! I’ve had a lot of gin and I’m so angry right now. I don’t think I can go back but our children are 10 and 8.
OP posts:
BriocheBuns · 12/05/2021 23:56

You don’t have to physically meet in person to cheat, messaging is cheating in my opinion even if they’ve never met x

dollypartonshirspray · 13/05/2021 00:03

Yup, that is an emotional affair

Idontknowanymore05 · 13/05/2021 00:12

Unfortunately yes. I'm so sorry.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 00:21

Ok, I’m the first to say it is not cheating to text flirty messages once a week to a woman you have never met, never will meet and both parties are aware he is happily married.

It’s on par with porn use imho. Unacceptable,, but not cheating.

Pyewackect · 13/05/2021 00:28

Inappropriate maybe but if he’s never met her then technically I guess not. I’d try and make any decisions with a clear head. People on here will tell you that kids are pretty resilient when it comes to divorce but it totally fucked me up as a child. I ended up living with my grandparents, thankfully.

Original poster
RollinOnARiver · 13/05/2021 00:30

@PlanDeRaccordement

Ok, I’m the first to say it is not cheating to text flirty messages once a week to a woman you have never met, never will meet and both parties are aware he is happily married.

It’s on par with porn use imho. Unacceptable,, but not cheating.

It’s not only that though, whilst I think it’s something that could breakthrough my trust the reason it’s entirely just broken it all is the fact that he shares photos of family trips away (our kids!!!) she messaged him saying happy birthday to one of them a few weeks ago so she knows their names.

We went to our holiday home where we don’t have WiFi and he had messaged her that night saying he had missed talking to her.

Again, nothing has happened in person and I don’t think he wants it to although I think she does. He says he will not leave his family, and he’s very much in remorse now. I just don’t know.

OP posts:
wingsnthat · 13/05/2021 00:31

Yeah I would

He’s taking you for a fool

If she wanted something physical, he would speed over there at 100mph

H2OConnoisseur · 13/05/2021 00:34

I would classify it as cheating. If my partner was having text/phone/video sex with someone else, it's over for us. Why would you want to be with someone who has essentially checked out of the relationship?

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 00:41

Ok, so sharing pictures of kids and such sounds like she is a female friend, but the boundary of simple friendship was crossed by flirting with each other. That’s what makes it unacceptable to continue the long distance friendship they have struck up. The fact that they have admitted they fancy each other. So yes he should absolutely end the friendship. It would be unacceptable for him to continue contact.

But since nothing has happened, and there’s no actual intent to hook up expressed, to my mind, it’s not cheating or intent to cheat. It’s simply a friendship that has crossed the line and should be ended to avoid temptation to cheat.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 00:54

If she wanted something physical, he would speed over there at 100mph

This is purely speculation and unhelpful. You don’t judge people by the worst case scenario that could occur, you judge people based on their actions.

H2OConnoisseur · 13/05/2021 00:56

It's not just flirty messages though, it's sexual messages. And that's just what the OP knows. This goes beyond the realms of simple friendship. Would your DH be happy if you were sexting a man, telling him you fancy him, and sneaking away at night to make calls to him? I seriously doubt he'd be ok with it so why should OP?

Cornishandproudofit · 13/05/2021 00:57

nothing has happened in person and I don’t think he wants it to although I think she does
I find this quite naïve. What on earth makes you think he doesn’t want anything more but she does? After he’s told her he fancies her ?

merrymelody · 13/05/2021 01:00

I'd wonder (and certainly ask him) how he'd feel if the situation were reversed, ie you were the one sharing intimate texts with someone else.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 01:07

@H2OConnoisseur

It's not just flirty messages though, it's sexual messages. And that's just what the OP knows. This goes beyond the realms of simple friendship. Would your DH be happy if you were sexting a man, telling him you fancy him, and sneaking away at night to make calls to him? I seriously doubt he'd be ok with it so why should OP?
Was this directed at me? If so, please read my posts closer. I’ve never said OP should be ok with it. I have said several times that it is clearly unacceptable. I just don’t think it reaches the threshold to be considered cheating.
H2OConnoisseur · 13/05/2021 01:18

Was this directed at me?
If so, please read my posts closer. I’ve never said OP should be ok with it. I have said several times that it is clearly unacceptable. I just don’t think it reaches the threshold to be considered cheating.

That post came out harsher than I intended it to, and I apologise for that. I guess I just (perhaps wrongly) assumed that you were insinuating that OP should be ok with it as it wasn't (in your opinion) cheating and thus (this is my inference which may be off the mark) wasn't 'that bad'. I do acknowledge though that everyone has a different threshold as to what constitutes cheating and that different people have different tolerances for different behaviours.