Would you class this as cheating?

[RollinOnARiver]

Texting for 8 months, once a week at the least. Sometimes about mundane things, sometimes sexual.

Telling her he “fancies” her but also in the messages saying he would never leave his wife and family. Sharing photos with eachother including family days out.

He says it’s just fantasy, and that it’s not cheating because nothing has actually happened.

@Cornishandproudofit

nothing has happened in person and I don’t think he wants it to although I think she does I find this quite naïve. What on earth makes you think he doesn’t want anything more but she does? After he’s told her he fancies her ?

Agree. I’m not sure, the messages in the recent weeks are her asking to meet, because he’s promised after lockdown etc but has not met her.

He tells me that was for us, and he was never going to meet her, that’s why I say I don’t think he actually would.

@H2OConnoisseur

It's not just flirty messages though, it's sexual messages. And that's just what the OP knows. This goes beyond the realms of simple friendship. Would your DH be happy if you were sexting a man, telling him you fancy him, and sneaking away at night to make calls to him? I seriously doubt he'd be ok with it so why should OP?

It’s very much explicit sexting when they do sext. It’s been going on since October. But also on the phone too from what I can gather.

What's his reply to her asking to meet?

@H2OConnoisseur

What's his reply to her asking to meet?

He said he needs to wait until half term.because me and the kids are away and he us working. He says to me it was never ever going to happen though just saying it to make her happy m.

He said he needs to wait until half term.because me and the kids are away and he us working. He says to me it was never ever going to happen though just saying it to make her happy m.

Sorry but I don't for a second believe that he was just saying that to make her happy. He wants to meet her — he just hasn't had the opportunity to.

One of my friends had this exact situation. Kids were similar ages.

She stayed with him because nothing physical had happened. She regretted that decision very badly. He was texting the woman because he was looking for something else/unhappy/unwilling to deal with his own mh issues and crap. none of that went away. She finally left him 10 miserable years later and neither of his sons now talk to him. I've posted this before but the year they split I said to his son (also friend of my son's) "Did you have a nice Easter?" and he said "yes we did because John (his dad) wasn't there" I kind of looked at him and he said Pallisers I'm serious. he ruined everything.

If this isn’t cheating I’m sure he’d have no problem finding out in a few months that you’ve ‘secretly’ had expert financial and legal advice but not included him in your plans to safeguard your and your children’s future.

Be angry, don’t be gaslit. He’s not your friend or ally but you need and deserve friends and allies. He’s not putting your children’s needs on his list of priorities.

Really sorry you’re going through this.

Whatever you call it he’s a massive cockwomble & doesn’t deserve any loyalty or forgiveness. She’d be more than welcome to him & I’d be off to find a less sleazy, grubby, pathetic replacement (preferably one with morals) because I’m worth more than that, as are you I’m sure OP.

What a twat! I couldn't stay with him, I really don't think I'd ever be able to forget it.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. That must have awful to find out.

I have to say this situation however it would be interpreted by myself, my husband or others would end my marriage. It's a lack of trust and it's an intimacy with another person that is not acceptable.

Like a PP suggests I would be quietly seeking legal advice and gathering paperwork, shifting money around in the next few days....

You are worth so much more

Yes, it's cheating. Whether you stay with him or not though is a different matter. Get your finances in order in case and then decide if the marriage is worth saving. Good luck.

Yes, I would class this as cheating.

This would devastate me more than a one off one night stand!

The sharing of thoughts and having secret chats using up his time would greatly anger me and cause immense distress.

A man once said to me, ‘If I’m thinking about doing it, I may as well be doing it’.

I would not want to be with someone once the trust has been abused over a long period of time.

If I’m thinking about doing it, I may as well be doing it’.

That idea stems from the Puritan days of England when simply looking at a woman was considered a form of adultery. I don’t really agree with this “meme” and it is unique to British people I think.
To me, there is a vast difference between fantasy/day dreaming and actually putting your dick in another woman. I don’t think they are comparable at all. I don’t think one necessarily leads to the other either.

In addition, if playfully thinking about something is the same as doing it, a lot of DHs would currently be buried under the garden patio per several threads themed that way that regularly pop up on mumsnet. Do we think women who go to the trouble to think and post elaborate fantasies about murdering their DHs are seriously the same as an actual murderer? Or on the path to doing so?

He says to me it was never ever going to happen though just saying it to make her happy
If you believe that, you’ll believe anything. Why is he trying to make her ‘happy’? Why does he care so much about her feelings while showing absolutely no consideration for yours? His wife, the mother of his children.

He’s scum.

He said he needs to wait until half term.because me and the kids are away and he us working. He says to me it was never ever going to happen though just saying it to make her happy

Oh FFS, they have been sexting, she has invited him over for sex, and he has agreed a date and time with her. When you will not be around. If he had “no plans” to meet her, there was no need to nail down a specific date and time. He fully planned to meet her, but you’ve fucked it up for him by reading the iPad and now he is back-pedalling like mad.

OP He was never sexting just to make her happy. He is cheating and has been caught out. He may or may not have already met her and been unfaithful in the physical sense but he certainly has shown intentions of doing so.
How awful.

Why would he need to make her happy? What is she to him that he would make promises to cheat on his wife to her?
I don't really think it matters if it meets the "threshold" for cheating.
If my DH had sexed another woman and presumably had phone sex with her I would be done.
I am not telling you what to do though as I don't have DC and I'm not you.
Try not to think of if as something you have to prove though, if this has broken your trust and killed the love then it has. Doesn't matter if other people think its cheating or not.

Yes it's cheating,but it doesn't matter what you call it. He's lied to you and betrayed you and prioritised someone else over you.