Why am I like this?! what on earth is wrong with me!

[socials]

Ever since I remember I have always been awkward. I am very very quiet. I just can't relax around people. I don't know how to make small take and I think I make people feel awkward. I'm not rude but may come across that way.
I'm really embarrassed of the way that I am and sometimes just observe others and see how they interact with each other so effortlessly and wonder how they do it.

I have been for cbt therapy as I suspected that I had social anxiety but now I am not so sure. SA is being very self conscious and fearing being judged negatively by others which is me. However there's another whole part to it which is more a fear of it knowing what to say and being awkward. I am not good in groups but much better at one to ones.

I never can relax with strangers / at work and never make friends or be able to chat with people. I can't do it and I don't know what to do. I feel it's too late for me to do anything about it and I don't even know what I can do about it.

I have waffled on far too long- can anyone please advise or relate?!

I honestly don’t think it’s a bad thing to be quiet / introverted / socially shy etc. Some people find loud, outgoing people incredibly annoying.

Do you want to be more outgoing or is it just something you think you should? I’d spend more time fostering your existing relationships and if you want to make new friends, join small social groups with like minded people.

But honestly, you’re probably hugely overthinking it and aren’t coming across as you think you are. You’re doing ok being you!

I'm the same and have just been referred for autism assessment.

I could have written this myself!
I nearly did write it the other day actually.

I can be SO socially awkward. Same as you, I hate being in groups. I can't speak when I'm with lots of people. Sometimes the thought of making small talk fills me with absolute dread. I don't know how to do it, and instead there are long, awkward pauses and I can tell the other person feels awkward or feels I'm a bit weird. I find if I have a coffee, it helps!! Suddenly it makes me a lot more confident and I can babble away. But long term, it's not a solution!

No advice whatsoever.
But watching to see if anyone has any advice.

I am just like this too. The day I found out I was an introvert though and what that meant, completely changed my view on myself.

It's ok to be quiet or to not find chit chat easy.

I am much better with people I know well and I am comfortable with but it takes me a long time to get there. Would you say that was the case with you too?

I am just like this too. The day I found out I was an introvert though and what that meant, completely changed my view on myself.

It's ok to be quiet or to not find chit chat easy.

I am much better with people I know well and I am comfortable with but it takes me a long time to get there. Would you say that was the case with you too?

You say it's not a bad thing but it's all anyone ever says about me in a negative way like it's just so irritating to them.
I've had this from so many people from work / home / family/ school. Usually snide comments. Last job I left I remember the manager said " oh I'm sure you'll fit and you won't be quiet and awkward - you're not like that are you?" Said with a smirk. I could go on as I've had so much of this.

Your manager sounds like a bitch. It has to be better to not say much than to say stuff like that.
But as someone who was very socially awkward - I did get a lot better at small talk with practice. But it didnt come naturally to me - I had to learn it.
The most important thing to remember is that, actually, most people prefer talking than listnening (especially about themselves, I dont mean that in a bitchy way, its just true). So a really good shortcut is just to ask questions - you dont need to be sparklingly witty, or interesting or have fascinating anecdotes. You just need to give other people the chance to be sparklingly witty or interesting and they will love you. There are a few caveats:

1. Obviously avoid asking personal/rude/intrusive questions (If you are just a bit shy you probable will know what is acceptable/not acceptable anyway)
2. It can seem like an interrogation if done wrong. The best way of avoiding this is to be genuinely interested in what the person is saying (And to be fair most people are interesting/have interesting things to say). So view it as a way of enjoying the conversation with someone interesting, rather than "I want to seem sociable so I am going to fire off a load of questions"
3. It is especially good if it involves people helping you out. e.g "where are you going on holiday?" "Spain" "Oh, wow, Ive been thinking of going to Spain. Where did you visit? Would you recommend it?" etc. So not only are they talking about their holiday, they also feel positive because they are potentially helping someone with their own experience. Again - this might sound very insincere, but it doesnt have to be. It helps if you are genuinely thinking/might want to go to Spain at that point. It doesnt have to be fake. But it means you might only say 1 word to their 5 but people will think of you as very sociable, and easy to talk to.

I’m exactly the same and age has helped. I’ve accepted myself as I am and don’t really care anymore! Which makes me more relaxed in general anyway. Just be you and don’t stress about it, we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

What kind of role was it? That's a crap ill thought out thing to say.

When I did Myers Briggs and realised I am INFP it changed everything.

In terms of not knowing what to say, I get that in groups. If we are dicussing something that interests me that's fine, or if I know someone well it's quite soothing hearing mundane things, or if I know I have a reason for getting along with them (close work colleague etc.) it's easier. Work conversations are pretty easy to keep light, on neutral topics like what you did or plan to do at the weekend, food, holidays, television drama, who you want to win Bake Off, fitness, books, remembering someone's children's names and asking about them. Another good one is to read the paper and mention a news story. The art of conversation which I am rubbish at is to let it ramble to different places, so picking up on their last point and asking about it and so on. There is an online group that does Zoom 'Dinner' style conversation meetups, I think it is called Dinner Talk if you want practise.

So sorry for the multiple posts. Ive reported

I was like this when I was younger. It was crippling. I'm 61 now and never notice myself being quiet or shy etc. Hang in there. It's not necessarily a negative. Give a smile and let people know you are not judging them.

Unfortunately, introvertness is seen as a weakness and being an extrovert is the ideal but we have a lot to offer.

Try reading the book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts and appreciate your worth and your strong points.

Autism?

There's a lot of us about.

@BlackeyedSusan

Autism?

There's a lot of us about.

I have considered this but when I've read about it online I don't really think it fits me but it might be. How can you get a diagnosis in adulthood?

@MerryInthechelseahotel

I was like this when I was younger. It was crippling. I'm 61 now and never notice myself being quiet or shy etc. Hang in there. It's not necessarily a negative. Give a smile and let people know you are not judging them.

Yes it is crippling. I'll be 40 soon and just don't think I'm going to improve much at all. It's affected so many aspects of my life. I haven't been able to live the life that I wanted. Just simple things I've not been able to do. My life is so closed because of it.

Ruby0707 yes it takes me absolutely ages to get comfortable with people but even then I might not get there. I also don't like confrontation so withdraw massively around people who are bossy/ difficult people.

My dh is like this. He chose to take sertraline for anxiety three years ago and, while he hasn't become a party animal, it makes his life a little bit easier day to day.

I am really not like this at all. I could make small talk in my sleep. However, I love introverts because they make me feel more relaxed and calm. Try not to focus on what other people are thinking of you, most people are too busy focusing on themselves to notice those around them.

I honestly adore my dh and wish I could be more like him. I have always longed to be quiet and mysterious - some hope!!

GP with a list of why you think you are. Divided into three areas, social, routine, sensory.

Taking time to think about each one. It is possible that you are not autistic and it is just the social stuff.

Things in routine:

I have my way of doing stuff. Upsetting if they are not done right.

Having a mega stress when I have to do stuff out of my routine. Currently trying to breathe through a potential meltdown at the thought of a trip tomorrow.

Like to do things in the right order. Eating tea in the right order.

Sensory seeking or avoiding.
Sensitive to noise, light and light touch
Seek tastes and chew stuff.

My kids are autistic so it is not a surprise.

@BlackeyedSusan

GP with a list of why you think you are. Divided into three areas, social, routine, sensory.

Taking time to think about each one. It is possible that you are not autistic and it is just the social stuff.

Things in routine:

I have my way of doing stuff. Upsetting if they are not done right.

Having a mega stress when I have to do stuff out of my routine. Currently trying to breathe through a potential meltdown at the thought of a trip tomorrow.

Like to do things in the right order. Eating tea in the right order.

Sensory seeking or avoiding.
Sensitive to noise, light and light touch
Seek tastes and chew stuff.

My kids are autistic so it is not a surprise.

Thanks for this. I think it's just the social aspect.

The routines and sensory stuff you talk about is not me at all. It's the social aspect I really struggle with.

Sensory - I'm ok with

What sort of jobs have you had, OP? Maybe you’re in the wrong roles?

I also encourage you to read Quiet by Susan Cain, it’s fascinating.

SA is being very self conscious and fearing being judged negatively by others which is me. However there's another whole part to it which is more a fear of it knowing what to say and being awkward. I am not good in groups but much better at one to ones.

Isn’t the “fear of not knowing what to say” just part and parcel of “fear of being judged negatively”? You’re afraid that by not knowing what to say you’ll be judged. I think it all sounds like social anxiety. Keep going with the CBT! It’s important because CBT teaches you to identify your negative thought patterns and challenges you to overcome them. It seems possible to me that you seeking another, better explanation for your awkwardness is just a way of saying “this will never work for me” ... which is a negative belief limiting you.

You do not have to be the life and soul- there are plenty of roles and workplaces where that’s not expected.

Poor you
I agree with the poster upthread that most people love talking about themselves. I work in a job where I have to meet and get on with lots of people quickly. It helps me to have thought about a question to ask thar they will find interesting. So e.g. "Phyllis likes gardening. I'm going toask for her advice on what I could plant in the dark patch of my garden".

Also- what are your strengths? A lot of quiet people are very reflective and I value that because their input is thought through and genuine, not impulsive. Are you a good listener? Are you a thoughtful friend? Maybe start focusing on the good things you bring to interactions rather than the negatives.
You could also just be upfront abd say "I find social interactions difficult so I'm often quiet and I'm worried it comes across rude. I don't mean to be". If you name what's happening it loses its power over you

This is a really interesting question! How to do small talk.

First, a lot of it is practice.
Second, I think a bit of awkwardness is always normal, even polite, between people.
Third, you have to make an effort even when you don't want to.

Some of the things I say to my kids, who are shy:

• being shy is no excuse for being rude. You have to say hello, goodbye, look people in the eye and answer direct questions.
• never answer with a single word, especially not yes or no. You have to say something extra.

I'm the sort of person who comes across as confident, but inside I have no idea what I'm doing. Certainly, socializing often feels awkward, and rarely leads on to friendship in my case. That's why this question is so interesting to me. What is it for, after all?

I can relate. I don't like the way I am but at 45 years old I've had to accept that I can't change myself. I fake it to a certain extent but I really find it hard. Even reacting in the right way during conversation. Sometimes I know I've reacted wrongly to something someone has said from the way they look! I find it hard to know how to arrange my face into the right expression too, my DH tells me I'm looking at him funny but I'm just trying to get my expression right and failing miserably it would seem. Sorry didn't mean to make this all about me, but it's good to get it out.