Would you mind if your child changed their name?

[Clymene]

This isn't a TAAT but I wondered how other parents would feel about their child changing their name. It seems to be the accepted view that if your child identifies as non binary of trans or similar, they change their name and their parents are supposed to not have any issue with it.

But I think I would and I think a lot of other parents would too. Whether it was to do with an identity or any other reason. There is so much agonising that goes on here about choosing a baby's name or fury when other people mispronounce or misspell that name. And yet parents are apparently supposed to just say OK fine when they're teenager suddenly decides they no longer want their carefully chosen moniker.

As long as they were old enough (I wouldn’t indulge my four year old in that) then I’m ok if they want to change their name, for whatever reason. But I didn’t really do a great deal of agonising, just picked names I liked. If they don’t like them then I think it’s a fairly reasonable thing to expect to be called by whatever they prefer.

I’d prefer them not to because I love their names and they suit them well but obviously if they’re adults, there’s nothing you can do.

I changed my entire name and spent most of my childhood going by different names so it'd be a bit hypocritical if I took an issue with them doing similar -- though far less thought was put into mine which is part of why I changed it.

To me, it's like people who choose to use a different nickname or using the full form when they were raised with a childish nickname, just a step or so farther. Yes, I put possibly too much effort and emotion into it & there may be some sadness, but I wouldn't want my child to use a name they weren't happy with just because it made me happy when they were born.

I might have an issue if they went the whole 'that was never my real name' route which has grown over recent years as it would feel like they seem to need to move forward with their new name by disrespecting our shared past/having to say their father and I were wrong just because they wanted something else or if they referred to the name they were raised with as their "deadname" as someone from a background where naming the dead is very important. Calling a previous name that you don't want someone to use anymore a 'deadname' smacks of an entrenched concept that death should be hidden away and not spoken about, which fits well into some cultures, but it's the opposite of how I try to raise my children to view death and the dead.

My mother also changed her name, she started to use a new one when I was still a child, so it's never been a big thing to me. I was a weirded out when she made it official years later and decided she was changing her middle name too - to the same as my sister's middle name which my sister used to go by and online uses

I’d find it weird. Though my child did insist on being called something else for a brief time as a 3 year old and I played along.

And yet so many women on Mn accept still unquestioningly accept women changing their names on marriage.

when their* teenager suddenly decides they no longer want their carefully chosen moniker

Whether it was chosen carefully or not, it is the individual's name so I really don't see your point. Anyone should be able to change their name without their parents getting offended by it. Whether it is for identity or gender issues or simply because it's a hideous name that they get bullied over. Plenty of examples of the latter too...

@TedHastingsweeDonkey

when their* teenager suddenly decides they no longer want their carefully chosen moniker

Whether it was chosen carefully or not, it is the individual's name so I really don't see your point. Anyone should be able to change their name without their parents getting offended by it. Whether it is for identity or gender issues or simply because it's a hideous name that they get bullied over. Plenty of examples of the latter too...

You should definitely post on baby name threads.

My daughter changes her name almost weekly. For a while she was very determined not to be known by her given name. However last year she spent quite a bit of time in hospital and I explained it's very important her wrist tag, name above bed etc was her 'real' name because they have to know they have the correct person and correct medical records. The same with school and for things like medicine prescriptions and therapy sessions.
I have basically said where you need to be known 'legally' you have to be your given name.
The rest of the time she can be what she wants to be. Not sure what this week will bring. It is only Monday after all.

I'm very surprised my dd hasn't changed her name. She's named after my grandmother and the name is special to me but she's never overly liked it. She had the opportunity last autumn when she registered with Spotlight and her name was not available but instead she decided to use her middle name as her surname.

As teens and young adults all mine 'modified' their name slightly, changing nicknames (e.g. Kate to Katie) or in one case going by the full version when they'd always been known by a shortening (e.g. Jamie to James) - it seemed pretty normal to me going by their circle of friends and a natural part of growing up and asserting their independence from the family. I think in a lot of cases it was their friends that started it, bit eye rolling but whatever - we often still call them by their 'family' name rather than whatever their friends now call them and it's fine (I mean sometimes caused some teen snarling but what doesn't?)

Names are important though, most people choose their child's name carefully and thoughtfully, and like it or not names usually do tell you something about the person, their culture/background/nationality/gender etc. There's quite a lot of interesting sociological research about the importance of naming in 'claiming' a child and giving it its place in the family and society - there's a reason a 'naming ceremony' whether that's a baptism or whatever is a significant event in loads of different cultures and religions, and why a name-change is a common 'initiation' rite whether that's in joining a new religion or even something like why nicknames are important in strong social groupings like the army, biker gangs etc.

So a wholesale, total change of name to something completely different (as opposed to adopting a nickname or 'tweaking' your name) probably does indicate a really significant change of identity - putting aside the gender/trans issues which will no doubt totally consume this thread shortly, e.g. a child of a very religious family called Jacob (or whatever) for very meaningful biblical reasons carefully chosen by the parents, deciding they are now a hippie and to be known as Moonchild - you can totally see why the parents would be confused and upset. Not that it isn't Jacob/Moonchild's right to change both their name and lifestyle as a grown adult of course, but the issue probably isn't really about the name as such but about the whole identity of the child, and not something most people would just nod along with, anyway?

It wouldn't bother me at all. DS was premature and we plucked his name out of a magazine after several days of 'Baby [Surname]'. I do like his name but it wasn't something we agonised over, except for needing to pick something!

I don't think it's that uncommon, at least three of my aunts/uncles went by something other than their given name.

I don't know how I would feel, I'm not overly attached to the names of my DC. But I think it would take time to get used to a new name.

I guess how happy I was about it would depend on the reason and what they were changing it to buy ultimately it's their identity so they should be able choose what they are called.

We chose names that we liked for our kids - neither of us agonised over it though, we like their names but we love them. That wouldn't change.

I’d be gutted. I love DD’s name, I chose it carefully and it has family significance but isn’t quite being ‘named after’ someone as I wanted her to be her own person. I think it’s beautiful and one of my favourite memories is being handed her as she was born and saying ‘oh hello, it’s Xname’ (we didn’t know the sex before the birth and were between 3 names for a girl but the second she was placed on my chest it was obvious she was X and my husband agreed).

All that said, it’s her name and her right to do as she pleases so whilst I would be gutted as I said, I’d respect her choice.

My dd has changed her name. She is 16 and did it by deed poll on her 16 birthday so that her GCSE certificates would be in her new name.

She is non binary and this is the end of 3 years of her working towards it. I don't agree with it, but I have had to think very hard about what is best for her, and that led to the choice to accept and love.

When she decided to change her name, her (old) first name is female. Her middle name has a male and female varient, think Georgia and George. She chose a name based on this which was unisex eg Georgie/Charlie etc.

Over the last year we have talked a lot about names. We talked about why we had chosen her name and the importance of it. Her middle name is actually a family name, so for her to have kept that mattered. Her first name reflected the fact that she has 2 nationalities.

She has taken on board what I said and asked us to choose with her a name from her dad's nationality as a new middle name so that remained part of her name.

I'll be honest. I found it really, really hard. People don't usually change their name. They may choose a nickname or to use a middle name etc, but properly changing their name is not common, especially goign as far as to do it legally. As is said 1,000 times on baby names, your parents got the chance to choose when they named you, now it is your chance to choose when you name you baby. Except if you reject your parents choice, that's not true is it?

But I recognised that it was my issue. I had to go through a grieving process really. My wonderful dd has actually been incredibly kind and thoughtful about the way she has done it, and keeping her family middle name and making it her new name was extrememly touching to me. When it came to the deedpoll, she said that the other option was to get GCSE in her old name and then later get her birth certificate changed in order to be able to change her certificates. She didn't want to do that as her birth certificate represented who she was for the first part of her life.

I have asked her not to use the phrase 'deadname' I have explained why that is so hurtful and not true either, and that there are 20 other ways of saying it which are fine, but deadname really is not. She has respected that.

It has been a bloody hard few years, and the name change has been just the icing on the cake.

I wouldn't, but then my children are adopted so they came to us with their names already so I don't really have a huge attachment to their names.

I know several people who have changed their first names when they went to uni, because they had never liked the name they were given. All three chose completely different names, not their middle name or anything.
I also know someone who changed her surname because she had always planned to get rid of it on marriage, then decided she was unlikely ever to get married. The surname she chose is very striking and memorable.

We all forgot a few times early on, but everyone now calls them by their chosen name, including their family. One of them, we do still talk about as 'S.. you know, used to be called J'.

I wouldn't be at all bothered if my children changed their names. I did spend time carefully choosing their names when they were born but that was MY choice, for me. For all I know they might hate their name or wish to be someone else or identify as another....it's their choice then, not mine.

It probably makes a difference that I changed my own name when I was 17, I did it legally via a solicitor and have a legal document to prove it (useful when my birth certificate says a different name and I have school exam certificates in two different names!)

When I changed mine it was much more about "becoming myself" and choosing who I was, rather than the person my parents had wanted me to be. Parents shouldn't feel rejected, it's a positive sign of growing up and being empowered to be yourself.

I wouldn't be bothered, after all - I have ideas about changing mine occasionally!

I am reminded of the repost in the excellent film Lady Bird.

'What is your given name?'
'My given name is Lady Bird. It is the name I have given myself'.

The comment about medication and other 'official' matters is valid though.

I expect that it may be difficult, confusing and maybe upsetting for a parent to accept that their child wanted to suddenly be known by a different name, for example in the case of the child coming out as non binary. However, many aspects of parenting can be extremely difficult, confusing and sometimes upsetting, and the primary role of a parent, no matter what happens, is to support your child, try your absolute hardest to understand whatever your child is going through, and love them unconditionally. So even if I did have mixed feelings if my DC made such a decision or statement, externally I would support them and respect them 100%. (Haven't seen other thread so don't know what's been said)

I would have no problem with the idea of my DC changing their names.

Yes, I thought long and hard, but ultimately, the name is theirs now, and theirs to change.

i'd worry a bit that i would forget to use the new name and make them all cross. I already muddle up the dog, children and nephews.

I’d hope they were too busy getting on with their life rather than worrying about their name. But if they wanted to change it, it’s obviously their choice. Pronouns though, no.

If my child told me they were trans, I’d get them the help with their mental health that they need.