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Original poster

Do you ever get the ick with friends?

26 replies

AmberPatchouli · 09/05/2021 22:03

Just wondering. I have definitely heard of this in relationships but I have realised I get it with friends too. I can coast along for years finding someone perfectly pleasant to be around, then all of a sudden they do or say something that makes me cringe, and after that: its all I can see.

Its not usually dealbreakers like racism or political stance -although that has happened- more things like being overly loud, arrogant, showing off, being self centred etc. Almost as if I’d been in the glow of a new romance, over looking these things and once I see them I can’t unsee them! Then, ick. Impossible to look past it and move on.

Does this ever happen to anyone else?

OP posts:

WhosThatGirl89 · 09/05/2021 22:11

Not sure if this is the same sort of thing. More like a flaw that drives me nuts. I've got a good friend who is literally late for everything we do. I'm really punctual as I get annoyed if I'm late for anything. I've also been with her when getting ready to go somewhere with dc and she is such a faffer she just takes forever to get out the house. I love her to bits but this is something I really have to bite my tongue over because it really grates on me!

Yellowhighheels · 09/05/2021 22:13

Not a long term friendship but I met a woman, we got on quite well and exchanged numbers with a view to having a cuppa etc. She did not stop texting. Good morning messages early, good night messages late, live, laugh, love type stuff in between. It put me off as much as it would have if a man had done the same. I'm sorry to say I couldn't handle it, didnt want a scene and just faded her out.

Thelnebriati · 09/05/2021 22:18

If you find it happens frequently its more likely to be about you than them, and it might be worth exploring. Do you see your friends as a reflection of yourself? Or do you have a thing about perfection in any areas of your life?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 09/05/2021 22:20

Yes! I have been pondering this very thing today. Mine is a friend who has a talent for turning any conversation topic round to be about her. Now that I've noticed it, I can't un-notice it. My tongue is sore from having to bite it so much today.

romdowa · 09/05/2021 22:24

Yes I worked with a girl and we got on really well. After I left though I found her to be extremely flakey. Would start a conversation and after one or two replies she would vanish, would arrange to meet up or call round and it would never happen. In the end I got sick of it and I've just stopped caring now. There's just no point in trying to maintain a friendship with someone like that. Funny thing is when we worked together she always complained that she struggled to make and keep friends ! Now I know why!

Original poster

AmberPatchouli · 09/05/2021 22:26

@WhosThatGirl89 Yes this happened to me too, I just stopped making plans with them as it felt so rude and self centred.

@Yellowhighheels I know exactly what you mean. I have friends life that too, I tend to keep my replies short and people tend to get the message.

@Thelnebriati that is a very interesting thought. I will ponder on it!

OP posts:

Spied · 09/05/2021 22:27

Yes
A couple of school mum acquaintances started getting quite friendly with me and we'd have coffee.(separate occasions) but when both women started telling me details about being on their periods and about having the shits etc I just couldn't handle it.
Currently ghosting one and completely just cut off the other.

Bluekilt · 09/05/2021 22:31

I found this with a friend over lockdown. She posted multiple conversations that she was having with her children on Facebook. Friend thought they were hilarious, I just found it irritating and attention seeking. It does put me off seeing her now and I don’t feel like the friendship is what it was.

RaRaRufus · 09/05/2021 22:33

YY, I do. I have it rather lots with 'mummy friends', women you are supposed to be friendly with as your dc are in the same class / club / street whatever. It's all pleasant enough until they show you their self-centred and demanding ways. Luckily not everyone, I keep the nice ones close to my heart.

Ick examples:

non-stop gossipy negative talk about other mums. I can't stand this, am bored stiff by it and judge women like this very harshly. Once I realise this about a women, I cannot unsee it and am turned off for ever.
Mums who are unable to say no to their kids and who let them rule the roost while complaining about how entitled her kids are.....
Overly flirty with school dads

Ultimately it comes down to resect in a friendship ideally both people have a friendly respectfully attitude to each other, once you notice they don't really regard you and are on their own selfish trip, it's game over for me.

Original poster

AmberPatchouli · 09/05/2021 22:36

@Spied Gross, that would definitely be the nail in the coffin for me too!!

@Bluekilt Yes social media definitely heightens the ick factor. I was wondering if lockdown had impacted things too actually - made me less tolerant of things that might not have bothered me as much before.

OP posts:

deste · 09/05/2021 22:40

Not really the ick but had to get away before I decided the only way home was a 7 mile walk. She called and asked if I fancied having a look in the local village shops with her and her sister. The first shop what we could look at in 5 minutes could take her half an hour. She stopped at rubber gloves and announced that theses were the best ever. I did say that this was a conversation I ever thought I would have. She then stopped at kitchen roll and did the same there. At that point I decided I couldn’t continue. We went to the next shop where I pretended I was looking in the shop next door and phoned DH to come and collect me. I told him ‘’I can’t do this, you need to come and rescue me‘’ I said I had to go because I couldn’t trust him to do the shopping. They got home three hours later. I would have cracked up if I had stayed. Having said that I do like her but decided I can’t shop with her.

deste · 09/05/2021 22:42

Should say. First shop we could look at in 5 mins.

LuckyMcDucky · 09/05/2021 22:43

I'm not sure if it's the ick tbh, because you don't have to find your friends sexy or attractive...

But, yes, definitely have had it where I've suddenly realised; "hang on...I don't think I like you very much"! Especially with very old friends who I don't see much and who I remember being such fun, but then we meet up and I think, "oh you're not fun, you're actually just really mean about people". Or whatever it might be. Come to think of it, I've had this more with extended family, like aunties and cousins than with friends...

stealingbeauty · 09/05/2021 22:44

No.
If someone starts making the passive-aggressive little put downs and digs then I will stop seeing them or at least distance myself. But that’s an abusive behaviour, so a different thing. I’ve never got the ick with friends but I’ve definitely experienced it in romantic relationships.

MindtheBelleek · 09/05/2021 22:51

I don’t think any of that is ‘the ick’, which is a sudden profound end to sexual attraction, like when your date shows up in a grey leather blouson, farts and says ‘Ooh, pardon my windies!’, or calls you ‘Mummy’ in bed.

The instances above are just people realising their friends are arseholes.

RandomMess · 09/05/2021 22:54

It has happened to me with a long term friend she has to be "right" about everything and I was always concerned she said passed comment on me/my family not as gossip as such but I'm really private and suddenly living in the same small place again I just didn't want to spend time together anymore.

I am sad and disappointed in myself tbh as I'm the one that's changed!

Zoomoff · 09/05/2021 23:04

This has happened to me. Not ick, but just realising that a friend is actually not a very nice person. She's become more and more openly racist over the last couple of years amongst other things. Covid has allowed me to take a big step back. I have to meet with her this week to sort out a couple of things regarding a club we used to run together pre-covid. In a way I hope she asks why I've been distant over the last year, but I'll probably make up some excuses rather than tell her the truth as I'm not a confrontational sort of person.

Anyone told a "friend" why you don't want to bother with them anymore?

OhRene · 09/05/2021 23:07

One of mine slowly started to show her racism. She once said something about Black people smelling weird.
And when Trump popped up and started spewing his shit? She was sharing pro Trump bollocks on her FB. The strange comments about the apparently natural, (and bad by the way she made it sound) smell of black people (wtf?), gave me the ick and even though I don't recall her saying anything else I'd say was racist in our company, I just didn't have an urge to make time to see her anymore.

LuckyMcDucky · 09/05/2021 23:10

The ones I'm thinking of are extended family. No, I've not told them, as I'd have to see them at family occasions, so no, won't be doing that tempting as it is. But I keep it to these occasions only and don't make any effort to have a relationship other than that. These are people like distant aunts and cousins I don't really see even if I wanted to. They still get a Christmas card but it isn't a special one with lots of writing iyswim.

If I've ever cut a friend out entirely, it's usually been because of a proper falling out. So yes, I've told them or they've told me

LaMarschallin · 09/05/2021 23:24

If "the ick" can mean that they make you feel a bit queasy then yes.
I had a friend for many years and I started noticing that whenever she was telling me about something she liked to eat, she'd stick her tongue right out, run it wetly round her lips and make a kind of "SCHLURP!" noise.

It got so bad that I used to try to change the subject if the conversation veered towards food.

Luckily, she got annoyed with me over something else and said she didn't want to see me again.
I think she didn't realise how quickly I'd agree to that and how many times she'd suggest making up and I'd basically say "No, no! I was way out of line; don't want to cause you any more problems".

Obviously, there were other things going wrong but it was her saliva-ridden appreciation of a nice biscuit or whatever that was the final straw.

Even the 😋 emoji reminds me of it and gives me the slight ick still...

MindtheBelleek · 09/05/2021 23:28

@LaMarschallin

If "the ick" can mean that they make you feel a bit queasy then yes. I had a friend for many years and I started noticing that whenever she was telling me about something she liked to eat, she'd stick her tongue right out, run it wetly round her lips and make a kind of "SCHLURP!" noise.

It got so bad that I used to try to change the subject if the conversation veered towards food.

Obviously, there were other things going wrong but it was her saliva-ridden appreciation of a nice biscuit or whatever that was the final straw.

Even the 😋 emoji reminds me of it and gives me the slight ick still...

That does meet my criteria for ‘the ick’, actually. So clearly it can involve platonic relationships, and while it’s a visceral physical response, it doesn’t necessarily involve not wanting to shag the person.

OhRene · 09/05/2021 23:30

I agree that the ick is not necessarily a sexual turning off in a relationship. It can be a shudder or that involuntary frown and curl of the lip when you think of a person who you previously enjoyed spending time with.

H2OConnoisseur · 10/05/2021 00:18

I have a friend who responds to things she doesn't understand with '🤣🤣🤣'. I never used to notice it as our conversations were always pretty light-hearted. Recently though, there was this conversation in our group chat about workplace issues. Someone mentioned that she found out her boss was a subscriber to her OnlyFans BEFORE she was hired and that it made her uncomfortable. This friend then responded 'I'd be flattered 🤣🤣🤣'.

That's just one example of many and now every time I see her name pop up I can't help but be ick-ed out!

Original poster

AmberPatchouli · 10/05/2021 08:26

@OhRene exactly my feelings too!

OP posts:

SelkieBe · 10/05/2021 08:40

Yeh, a relative I'd admired from afar, I thought she was a braver version of me, but in a group of all of our other relatives I saw her attempt to sideline me! She's very competitive, but I didn't think she'd compete with somebody who wasn't competing with her. She love-bombs everybody else in the group and treats me like a ghost! The classic kiss up and kick down. I'm down apparently!

I get the ick now I think, wow, she's not fearless at all, it's just a shell. She's an extrovert who craves validation and I'm an introvert who's a bit more comfortable being just one of the gang, not the centre of attention. She doesn't even dislike me, she's just afraid the others will like me. So I did get ick. I'd thought she was this brave, independent person who didn't care what people thought of her and the absolute opposite is true. Horrible when you see people for who they really are and it's ugly.

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