How do people just carry on? Tw for multiple things.

[Ughineedakickupthebutt]

I'll just bullet point the shit that has led me to this point.

Massively abusive childhood.

Pregnant as a teen, my child died aged a few months.

Mother told me she forgave my 'affair' with my stepdad but couldn't forgive me allowing my child to die. This was when I found out she knew I was being raped from age 9.

Abusive marriage and kids in quick succession. I was a teen, him in his 30s.

One of my children with my ex died horrifically and painfully.

This caused me to break free from my ex.

I cannot maintain friendships and I cannot maintain relationships at all.

I cannot get close to people.

Lived alone through cancer, thankfully free now but have multiple health repercussions from it and I cant work anymore, I've worked all my days.

I feel useless, no job, not long split up with a, now, ex (2 years together) and he was pretty bloody awful a lot of the time to me. No friends, and I push away anyone who tries.

I adore my kids, I live for them and them alone.

I want to be able to have normal friendships and relationships and be a happy person with good boundries, but I have never had any guidance.

Everything I've ever done its been alone and I'm just exhausted from it all.

I want a mum, a mum like I am to my kids. One who's there for me to moan to or advise me or just listen when I rant one.

I guess I'm just hoping for some advice, a kick up the arse or just someone to even acknowledge I've been dealt a shit lot in life and maybe some advice to move forward I suppose, thanks for listening

I'm sorry. Life is so very unfair

Life has kicked you an awful lot. You probably need to unpack all the things that have happened with councelling and find a way to learn to trust people again 💐💐

None of that is ok OP.

Places for much needed support:

napac.org.uk/
Therapy
EMDR treatment for trauma
Stately Homes thread on Mumsnet

Sorry for the awful things that have happened to you op..

I think you are amazing to have gone through all that and be able to break the cycle of abuse and be a loving mother to your children. Of course you feel you can't trust people with all the horrible things that have happened and never having a healthy example to look up to. From what your be written I think you deserve a clap on the back for courage and perseverance.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice OP but just wanted to send you a big hug and congratulations for your strength in being a great mum to your kids who will love you more than anything

Fuck me. The fact you are a loving mother after you have gone through so much shit shows how strong you are. No wonder you dont want people to get close. Go easy on yourself- you've done so very well.

Have you had some counselling? Xx

Thank you so much.

I've never had anyone in my life tell me I'm doing ok, they have either rejected and hurt me or I've pushed them away.

My children adore me, I'm very lucky, they are all growing fast and one has moved out already (amazing job and own place and a long term, loving relationship and still a teen, just) comes back often to eat and we chat regularly between times too.

The others are doing really well too.

They only have me (family wise) which I'm really sad about.

I just feel tired I guess, just wondering when will it get better, when will things go right, how will that even happen at this point.

Sorry, I'm just in a rut and unable to get out if it just now, I just can't see how life will improve.

I tried counselling once, but it really wasn't for me. I hated it, opening up about so much trauma was awful, and where do I even start.

Its just tiring and relentless at the moment.

Wow - your mother is a massive bitch. Unbelievable.
I'm really sorry about the loss of your two babies. That's terribly sad and the fact that you're still here, trying hard for your surviving children, is awesome. I don't know if I'd be able to carry on after that.

Its taken a long time for me to realise it was her, not me.

My children passing various ages where she turned a blind eye to various things has been really difficult but also made me realise it was all her.

Who let's a fucking naked 50 year old in bed with their 9 year old for 'cuddles' or let's him film a 12 year old naked in the bath or buys, what I now know to be, utterly inappropriate nightwear for a kid on their husbands say so.

If it hadn't been for my kids I likely wouldn't be here, after my first child died I was on self destruction mode and the only thing that saved me was getting pregnant again.

Thanks for listening

So sorry for what you have been through. You sound very strong and your kids are lucky to have you.

That’s exactly how I carry on: for my kids. And I haven’t been through even half of what you have.
Ps. I think you’re amazing.

Wow, you have been through multiple trauma - far more than most people could ever imagine.

The fact you've survived and have great relationships with your kids is testament to what a wonderful person you must be.

I'm not sure of any answers, but I do urge you to seek professional help to work through the trauma, when you feel able to. I hope you find someone you gel with sooner rather than later.

Please be kind to yourself, you sound so strong. x

That is a lot, OP. A shed ton of stuff. No one should have to bear even one of those. I'm so glad you've had the realisation that it's your awful mother and not you to blame.

It's hard to make friends when you're so burdened. You can feel like it's hard to get close because it's too much to tell and what if they can't handle it?

Do you have any aunts or cousins you could try to get closer to? If you have wider family who aren't shitty like your mum it might be a place to start looking for the friendship and support you need and deserve.

You say you have tried to make friendships that don't stick. I hope over time you can build a few good friendships. One or two people who have the EQ and character to listen about your past and be proud of you for coming through this with your surviving children. A few who maybe don't need to know everything but are good for a cuppa and a giggle. It's hard and sometimes it takes time.

Despite your health issues maybe you could join a group of some sort? Crafty or charity or something...? Are you able to exercise?
Much love OP, you are incredible. I'd be your friend

I'm so sorry these things happened to you OP.

You sound like a really strong, brave person and an amazing mum.

I can't imagine what it's been like for you so I don't know if I can give advice. All I'd say is maybe try again with the professional help, if and when you feel ready. As hard as it is, it might be a case of finding the right person who can help with the right style of counselling. You deserve to feel better.

Best wishes to you x

You can be your own mum, many therapists say this. Talk to yourself as you imagine a loving kind mum would. I wont go into my past but we can overcome it. Affirmations are good. Theres a lot of these on the net. Be proud of yourself as a mother, and having nurtured your kids. Buy a present for yourself now and then, send yourself a bunch of flowers. Think positive vibes when you start thinking of the past.x

You are not alone OP.

You came through all of those experiences with your heart intact. Incredible.

Do you even begin to understand how great you are?

In all honesty what’s helped me the most is medication. I’m on a combo of 2 anti depressants that work well together and it has changed my life. I thought counselling was shit. All it did was churn up the past and make me feel worse. I can’t go back and change it and I can’t change how I feel about it. I have a right to be upset and angry for the things that happened (like you I had a mother who turned a blind eye to abuse amongst other things). Also had some traumas as an adult. I personally found that looking back isn’t helpful. Looking forward isn’t always helpful either if you can’t see much good on the horizon. This is exactly where the medication has helped me. I don’t know how it works but it allows me to “live in the moment”. I don’t dwell on the past and I don’t fear the future. I feel calm and content. I’d love to be able to tell you that other things have worked but I’m early 50s now and I’ve tried many things and medication has been the answer in my case. I’m still “me” but a happy and relaxed me.

The one thing that has helped outside of that is my relationship with my DC. I didn’t always get it totally right when they were growing up. But we have a really strong bond and knowing I have been the mum to them that I never had has helped. Over the years my hatred towards my mum has turned more to pity. She’s a bitter, mean and selfish woman. Even now in her 70s! She could have had a loving family around her but she’s got no one and only herself to blame.

A final thing I’d say is a bit of a cliche, but do you have any pets? I’m also crap at romantic relationships, to the point where I no longer want one. I know in my heart that if one more person hurt me I’d be finished. I also just genuinely don’t want the hassle! So I got 2 cats and I found it has fulfilled that need for some affection and they’re good company.

You have had he'll and come through it. You are some woman!
CBT counselling is more about going forward than looking back. You can learn strategies for the future.
I think the suggestion of a pet is good as you will receive unconditional love.
But overall remind yourself of what a warrior you are.

Look up the Crappy Childhood Fairy she has similar issues with therapy and has videos about integrating abuse without having to talk about it (eg EMDR can be done without discussing the memories out loud).

Just regarding counselling/ therapy, I've had nothing like the awful experiences you did but still have some things to make peace with. Tried one counsellor and couldn't open up. There was nothing wrong with her, she just didn't feel like the right person for me so I've tried another and it seems to be going well. It might be worth 'shopping around' a bit to find a good match if you wanted to try counselling again. These are very personal and traumatic things to discuss and it's only natural you wouldn't be able to open up to just anyone who comes along.

Also, are you making time to do things that make you happy, hobbies, seeing friends, writing a diary, getting some fresh air, in amongst being there for the kids?

And I'm so glad you've realised that none of what happened to.you was acceptable, excusable or in any way your fault. Those things are so clearly not right and you deserved protection xxx