I'll just bullet point the shit that has led me to this point.
Massively abusive childhood.
Pregnant as a teen, my child died aged a few months.
Mother told me she forgave my 'affair' with my stepdad but couldn't forgive me allowing my child to die. This was when I found out she knew I was being raped from age 9.
Abusive marriage and kids in quick succession. I was a teen, him in his 30s.
One of my children with my ex died horrifically and painfully.
This caused me to break free from my ex.
I cannot maintain friendships and I cannot maintain relationships at all.
I cannot get close to people.
Lived alone through cancer, thankfully free now but have multiple health repercussions from it and I cant work anymore, I've worked all my days.
I feel useless, no job, not long split up with a, now, ex (2 years together) and he was pretty bloody awful a lot of the time to me. No friends, and I push away anyone who tries.
I adore my kids, I live for them and them alone.
I want to be able to have normal friendships and relationships and be a happy person with good boundries, but I have never had any guidance.
Everything I've ever done its been alone and I'm just exhausted from it all.
I want a mum, a mum like I am to my kids. One who's there for me to moan to or advise me or just listen when I rant one.
I guess I'm just hoping for some advice, a kick up the arse or just someone to even acknowledge I've been dealt a shit lot in life and maybe some advice to move forward I suppose, thanks for listening 