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Original poster

How can I help my DP, his eating is out of control

33 replies

needhelpformydp · 04/05/2021 07:06

I really don't know what to do.

DP has put on 10 stone since we met 5 years ago, 15 stone- 25 stone. He has never been slim and always enjoyed his food.

But this is out of control. I need to get him help because he is in complete denial.

If I call our doctor can they advise me? Or does it have to be him who calls- because he won't.

We have 2 young children. He snores and stops breathing in his sleep keeping me awake most the night. He is in 5 grand debt because of his takeaway habit. He only knows how to have fun with the kids by feeding them rubbish.

We have had many conversations about it.

He plays football once a week and sometimes goes for a 10 minute run around the block. I'm worried this might give him a heart attack or something.

OP posts:
mdh2020 · 04/05/2021 07:30

You can’t help him - as with any other addiction, he has to want to do it himself. My husband gained loads of weight and I discovered he was eating Cornish pasties on the train home from work , then coming home to eat dinner. He waits for me to go to bed and then makes cheese sandwiches. He lost over 2 stone when he was seriously ill and seemed very happy with his new look but put it all back on. You definitely need to take control of what your children eat or they will end up with the same issues.

Arbadacarba · 04/05/2021 07:37

It sounds as though he has sleep apnoea. The doctor won't talk to a third party but if you can get him to go on that basis, it's likely they'll tell him he needs to lose weight.

You mention takeaways - when is he eating them? Are they in addition to his normal meals, or instead of? If you could get him simply to cut out or at least severely moderate the takeaways that would be a good start. If you (by which I mean both of you sharing the task) can home-cook the foods he takes away instead using healthy ingredients - e.g. home made burgers, curry, pizza or whatever it is he has - you will soon see a difference.

MagpieSong · 04/05/2021 07:42

I’d have a conversation about how it’s an addiction and encourage him to see a counsellor experienced in eating issues. His gp is unlikely to discuss it, but you could encourage him to book a health check - lots of GPs are a nightmare to get an appt at though. I’d be very honest and say I was concerned his behaviour was negatively impacting the children and could cause lifelong issues as well as being concerned for him. See if as a family, you can stop buying certain things when shopping and eat healthily together. If you can, suggest walks to start with and then a different exercise you could all do together (or at least you two). You may have done these things already, but the other thing to do is seek counselling support yourself to help you find and decide the best way to handle it.

Original poster
needhelpformydp · 04/05/2021 07:46

He definitely has sleep apnea.
We joined a new doctors recently and they told him he needs to loose weight. He also got his covid vaccine quite quickly and was in absolute denial it was because of his weight. He is 31.

I am not a great cook, neither is he. But I do try to make things he likes. Last night I made a roast dinner which he likes, he said he will heat it up later it was too early to eat. He waited til I went to bed and bought a takeaway. This kind of thing is normal.

I am a SAHM , and last month he couldn't pay me the money for food shop. So I had to take it out of my savings. I looked at his bank statement and he had spent £1000 on new clothes- bigger size I guess. Yesterday Alexa notified me of an order coming and it was men's shapewear 🤦‍♀️ I asked him what it was and he said it's a vest to wear under his clothes. I looked at it when it came and it's literally like women's shapewear. He can't even fit comfortably into XXXL.

Bloody hell I don't know what to do

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 04/05/2021 07:46

You need to talk to him about sleep apnea and get that checked out by GP.

What is he doing about the debt?

Original poster
needhelpformydp · 04/05/2021 07:48

He is doing nothing at all about the debt. He just started a new job which pays really well, however I can just see him wasting the money. He is out of control

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 04/05/2021 07:52

I think I would give serious consideration to going back to work. You are in a financially vulnerable position here.
What is the situation regarding housing ?

TheProvincialLady · 04/05/2021 07:54

His weight, eating habits and health are his own concern.

But. Teaching the kids unhealthy food addiction behaviours, keeping you awake with his snoring, being unable to support his family because of his out of control spending, and being (I guess) very unattractive to you sexually are issues that absolutely do affect you and you have a right to protest.

I would tell him that he either gets professional help for his food addiction now, and stops wasting thousands of pounds on food that is literally killing him, or he leaves. And I would mean that. Just imagine what your life is going to be like in 10 or 20 years, if he even lives that long.

MayIDestroyYou · 04/05/2021 07:54

You write partner, not husband.

And you have no access to shared money for food?

I hope your savings are a significant amount - otherwise you'll be in shit if he dies prematurely of a heart attack or similar, brought on by his excessive weight.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 04/05/2021 07:55

You can't fix his food addiction.

However if he's getting into debt and you're a SAHM then I would be looking to get back to work as soon as you possibly can.

You're not married so you're incredibly vulnerable and if he can no longer afford to pay the rent or the bills, how will you be able to house yourself and the DC?

RampantIvy · 04/05/2021 07:59

The doctor won't talk to a third party but if you can get him to go on that basis, it's likely they'll tell him he needs to lose weight.

DH has had a stroke. He also has sleep apnoea. We don't know whether the stroke casued the apnoea or the apnoea caused the stroke.

Either way, it is very important your DH sees his GP about the sleep apnoea.

Re not being a good cook - get yourself a couple of really good cookery books. There are loads of resources online that have delicious and simple recipes - BBC Food, YouTube tutorials, food pages on Facebook, watch TV cookery shows by Jamie Oliver and Mary Berry. Anyone can learn to cook well.

KateMuff · 04/05/2021 08:01

He's bingeing on food and seems to be spending in an unregulated way. I'd be very concerned about your financial position and security OP.

Original poster
needhelpformydp · 04/05/2021 08:02

We are not married
We own our house joint
His income covers everything and then what is left after bills and food etc we split. So I can save my own money. He isn't difficult or tight (because he has no respect for money)
If he dies, my mortgage will be paid off from insurance.
This was the first time he has ever left me without my share of the money

I love him, and care about him. So I want to help but when it's explained like it's the same as any other addiction, I completely understand that it's out of my control.

OP posts:
picturesandpickles · 04/05/2021 08:04

Oh dear, this is a big issue if it is getting you into debt.

Could you go back to work? Also you need to reverse the finances - so he has access to his own spending money but not all the household bills money. You shouldn't have to live like that but short term the priority should be making sure you have access to the money you need for the family.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 04/05/2021 08:05

But his income is no longer covering everything. Don't spend all your savings subsidising his overeating, it puts you in a really vulnerable position.

nimbuscloud · 04/05/2021 08:05

What happens if he has a stroke and is unable to work?

MayIDestroyYou · 04/05/2021 08:06

It's almost Summer. You scarcely need to cook - particularly if trying to control weight gain in the family.

Organise a weekly veg box, choosing mostly salad vegetables. Base meals around them.

Really, if he truly loved you, he would have handed over his cards and all financial management to you - and stopped carrying enough cash to buy takeaways when he's out.

If he's in denial about everything, your future together does not look bright.

nancywhitehead · 04/05/2021 08:10

The people saying it's completely out of your control to help him at all are wrong.

You can't make him lose weight, of course, and it isn't your responsibility or your failing if he doesn't. But gentle encouragement from a partner CAN be helpful. If he is ordering shapewear then he is aware he has a weight problem and it sounds like he's not happy with his weight, so on some level, he does want to change - that's your starting point.

Can you sensitively talk to him about the shape wear and the issues he's having with his body image? You need to be very careful in the way you broach it with him but sometimes a supportive conversation can enable someone to admit to feelings that they've been bottling up.

He has to have his own breakthrough and realise that he wants to lose the weight, but you can support him to have those little breakthrough moments. Just make sure he knows it's because you care about him.

What a difficult thing to be going through though, it must be horrible when you cook him a roast dinner and then he orders a takeaway :( There's definitely a problem there, just broach it kindly and openly and see if and how you can help. Good luck.

PaulGallico · 04/05/2021 08:13

Sorry you lost me at the shapewear.

Original poster
needhelpformydp · 04/05/2021 08:14

@PaulGallico that's Made me laugh. When I heard it on Alexa I thought he had bought me some for my birthday and was really pissed off 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
needhelpformydp · 04/05/2021 08:15

@nancywhitehead thank you

OP posts:
EspressoExpresso · 04/05/2021 08:15

Does he have a will? If not I'd be taking him down the solicitors to make one

Original poster
needhelpformydp · 04/05/2021 08:18

Thank you everyone for your helpful comments.

I am really lucky to have a family home I could comfortably and happily go back too. I also have a job I could go back too, it's just not what I want. My childcare costs would outweigh my wage and I don't think i could get a better paying job.

I am very upfront with him about his weight and he is not shy in taking about it. It's not an uncomfortable conversation either.

OP posts:
Original poster
needhelpformydp · 04/05/2021 08:18

@EspressoExpresso that is a great idea

OP posts:
PaulGallico · 04/05/2021 08:19

ExpressoExpresso - me too. However as he didn't ea the roast dinner and the takeaway I think there is hope.

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