End of mat leave. Feeling like I’ve made the wrong choice.

[Redskyyy]

Today is my first day back to work. I feel so (disproportionately) upset and that I’ve really made the wrong decision in going back.

Pre-mat leave I had a good, reasonably paid career. I enjoyed the work which was high-pressured and sometimes long hours. Fast forward to now, I feel devastated to be leaving my babies. Once we’ve paid our nanny there will hardly be any money left over. We haven’t done much together thanks to covid and I worry I will regret not spending more time with them. I also don’t really have a job to return to (wasn’t replaced due to covid and my role has been assumed by someone in my team). I don’t have the mental energy to fight for my job. I have been lying awake for the past few nights for hours worrying about work, and know this will continue (this used to happen a lot).

I have a strong feeling of ‘what are you waiting for’, life is too short etc. In a couple of years we plan to move out of the SE, reduce our mortgage so I can work PT or not at all. Would be closer to friends and have a bigger house for less money. It’s a big move but I can’t see sense atm and am struggling to see what we are waiting for.

Wwyd in my position? Please give me a harsh talking to!

No relationship is rock solid. If you give up your career/job how will you support yourself if your partner leaves (and nearly 50% do)? For me that is the over riding reason to go back to work, but I also think that a working mum is a good role model for their children, and you retain financial independence. Your kids will be fine.

This is not the time to make big decisions OP. You are understandably emotional at the thought of going back and in the kindest way possible you will not be able to weigh up the pros and cons clearly in such an emotionally charged state.

You and your babies will be fine today. Go back to work and spend the next few weeks getting settled into your new routines. Get a week booked off in the summer to look forward to and promise yourself that you will review how things are going then.

Go back to work. You'll be fine.

Make up your mind that you are going to do 3 months and then reconsider the whole thing then. You cant judge on s few days or weeks.
There is nothing wrong with moving sooner if that suits you.

I just I started back a fortnight ago after Mat leave ❤️

I love my job but it’s not a forever job and even the first week I cried everyday, I missed my baby terribly and would ask for several pictures a day of him to see he was ok. He was obviously. But fundamentally I enjoy working, so our plans are to reduce mine and DPs hours drastically when DC are in school rather than now when their tiny.

It depends on you though, that’s all that matters here. Your babies will be fine with a nanny, they’re not going to forget you and I’m assuming you’ve chosen well.

Did you enjoy and thrive staying at home with them 24/7? Do you have true financial independence? Do you have a plan for the future, pensions and the like? Are you having anymore babies?

You may feel bad on this day, maybe this week or this month but if you reassess in a months time and see how you feel. Neither your baby or your job will change in that month.

I agree with giving it a try and see how it goes. You can always quit later.

I am going against the grain here, I still hate leaving my kids, they're 3 and 1. If I had the option not to work while they're so young I'd take it in a heartbeat.

Id say keep working I'm afraid. Not what you want to hear and it's hard as fuck but so many good things about working. In the country I live in maternity leave is 13 weeks. It's a good thing overall. Reassess after 3-6 months not days.

Honestly, tonight is not the night to be making big decisions. I'm not going to be harsh, it isn't helpful. I'm going to be kind and gentle, which is generally a better space to be in. I really hope "harsh" isn't your default tone for self talk.

You have just gone back to work after leaving your twins (? It isn't clear from your post). It is a hugely emotional thing going back to work. Your difficulty demonstrates you have built up a great attachment to your kids. This is fantastic for you all. The shift of going back to work can be almost as powerful as the shift of becoming a parent. It is another new identity, becoming a working mother. Take your time with it.

Listen to those emotions as they settle through the shift. Take account of them in your decision making but think a bit more dispassionately about what work and time away means for you and your identity, for you financially, both now and in the future, in various scenarios. I would keep the door open to working long term (stay PT), but it sounds like you plan to do this anyway.

It also sounds like your previous approach wasn't well designed for balance anyway - long hours, responsibility that you responded to with late night worrying. This sounds like partly the role and partly how you manage this. You could work on this. It might be that a change in role would be a good thing anyway.

You say you plan a big change anyway, and ask what you are waiting for. Well, only you can tell us that. What are you waiting for? Is it more money? A certain point in your careers? What? If I were you, so in response to your wwyd, I would need to be clear on this. If there wasn't a compelling reason I would be looking at making that move and finding a new role. In fact, I did move role on mat leave to something that suited better.

Obviously you also haven't mentioned your partner and his position at all. Presumably he also has a view.

Give it two weeks and then decide. If your job role has been outsourced you could probably wangle PT hours there as a compromise to giving up the whole job.

I think go back to work OP. Give it a try and see how it works out - you can reconsider in a few months if it really isn't working out. At the moment this would be a purely emotional knee jerk decision.

You're worried about regretting your decision, but that could happen whichever you choose - there are certainly lots of SAHMs around who regret giving up their career. And that way round it's harder to change your mind later on.

By the way these feelings are totally normal OP!

@Ravenspeckingearly

No relationship is rock solid. If you give up your career/job how will you support yourself if your partner leaves (and nearly 50% do)? For me that is the over riding reason to go back to work, but I also think that a working mum is a good role model for their children, and you retain financial independence. Your kids will be fine.

This 100%.

I know too many women stuck in bad relationships who are unable to leave. Your career is good for you, and a role model for your kids. First few weeks are hard but you get used to it. In terms of finances it is temporary. Couple of years and you won't just progress but fees will reduce.

I really feel for you going back to work after mat leave is hard. My first week back was the first week of lockdown last year and while I'd been off there had been an acquisition so I returned to a new job, new bosses, new team, and everyone assumed my jr was my boss because they'd dealt with him in my absence. So I know exactly how you feel!

I'm not going to lie, it didn't improve overnight and I had a couple of months feeling like there was no space for me and had some "what's the point" moments. Unfortunately me not working wasn't an option.

However I can't tell you, now I've been back just over a year, that I'm thoroughly settled and looking back I feel silly at how upset I felt back then (probably hormones played a part). I do have the odd moment when I feel mum guilt about not seeing my DC because I work so much, but she loves her childcare setting and I'm a more rounded person for it.

Stick with it for a few months at least and let yourself settle in. Like others have said, don't make any big decisions right now. Also, speak to your superiors about your role. If someone else has "taken" yours then ask for new responsibilities and something you can get your teeth into to keep you engaged and busy.

Good luck!

Another thing to bear in mind: while working it will be easier to negotiate PT work with your current or a new employer.

If after 3 months you feel that the hours you are working are too much, you can try to negotiate to go to a shorter week. Very hard to decide in 3 months that you want to apply for a new PT job.

In agreement with everyone else. I'd never leave my financial future down to a partner. You simply never know what the future holds and it's for you to protect yourself and your kids.

Every woman struggles with leaving their children in the care of others. It's perfectly normal. But hopefully in a few months you'll settle back into work and it'll be fine.

Btw- why did you choose a nanny for childcare? It's the most expensive option and in London double the cost of a nursery or childminder

I probably wouldn’t go back. I have just had to drastically alter my plans for this year. I’m in a slightly different and fortunate position of being self employed and able to return to one aspect of my business next year.
If you really hate it stick at it long enough to fulfil the return bit of your maternity pay and to think of/find an alternative. You need financial independence but it doesn’t have to be working full time.
In the short term can you do condensed hours or drop to 4 days a week to have an extra day at home?

I found 1-2yrs old so tough, a toddler is a world away from a baby and it’s nice to get that break.
Equally flexible working/ part time working will be far more beneficial once your babies are that bit older, can do more things, need you around school time etc.

Best of luck op - worst case if you don’t need the job you can quit!

I'd give it a go and then review. I went back to work after a year mat leave with DD (my second DC).

It really wasn't right for her so after six months we gave up and I became a SAHM.

It's easier to make the decision that way around rather than give up straight away.

Don't even think about making a decision like this until at least 3 months after your return, and ideally 6. You need to discover the realities of the next phase in your working life, not work on assumptions about what's happened in you workplace during your maternity leave and not making a decision based on what you think is a tug for home life. You may well find, once you're actually doing it, that adult company has importance.

Your household expenses will rise, so of course your joint income has to meet that, and in the short term you will not have more money for discretionary spending. But you won't need a nanny for that long - keep one eye on the future, and the usefulness of an established salary when that bill is gone.

I'm assuming you're married, otherwise you are making yourself financially dependent with no legal recourse. That is of course your choice, but if you are not married perhaps read some of the threads from women who have been left high and dry and decide how much you want to avoid that. Those women all thought their DP would never do anything like that too.

Plans to move are just pipe dreams until they happen. Don't base a life-changing event now on something that is years away from even beginning.

And do think about wider family financial security - if anything happened to your DH/DP (long term illness, redundancy etc) how would you cope? Two earners rather than one is sensible.

Also, its way easier to negotiate some flexibility (compressed hours etc) in an organisation where you are established than it is to find a new employment with flexibility a few years down the line

Yes, go back to work and give it a try. Remember you are not just working for your take home pay, you are also building up your pension and your experience for future career progression.

I agree with the others that ideally you need to avoid being 100% financially dependent on your partner.

Go back to work as planned but start planning your move now. I went back to a high pressured role with lots of responsibility and it was awful. It may work out for you but often doesn't.

You need to wait. I felt truly awful for 2 months after the end of mat leave, it got better. You need to talk to your line manager ASAP about your work objectives, it should help with the lack of clarity for your exact role.

@Ravenspeckingearly

No relationship is rock solid. If you give up your career/job how will you support yourself if your partner leaves (and nearly 50% do)? For me that is the over riding reason to go back to work, but I also think that a working mum is a good role model for their children, and you retain financial independence. Your kids will be fine.

This ^

Go back to work and see how you feel then. It may be easier than you think. It's not a good idea to give up work altogether. Even a little money is better than none coming in.

Everyone feels as you do when returning to work, it's quite daunting, but we get used to it and enjoy it eventually.

Good luck.