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Original poster

End of mat leave. Feeling like I’ve made the wrong choice.

45 replies

Redskyyy · 04/05/2021 05:09

Today is my first day back to work. I feel so (disproportionately) upset and that I’ve really made the wrong decision in going back.

Pre-mat leave I had a good, reasonably paid career. I enjoyed the work which was high-pressured and sometimes long hours. Fast forward to now, I feel devastated to be leaving my babies. Once we’ve paid our nanny there will hardly be any money left over. We haven’t done much together thanks to covid and I worry I will regret not spending more time with them. I also don’t really have a job to return to (wasn’t replaced due to covid and my role has been assumed by someone in my team). I don’t have the mental energy to fight for my job. I have been lying awake for the past few nights for hours worrying about work, and know this will continue (this used to happen a lot).

I have a strong feeling of ‘what are you waiting for’, life is too short etc. In a couple of years we plan to move out of the SE, reduce our mortgage so I can work PT or not at all. Would be closer to friends and have a bigger house for less money. It’s a big move but I can’t see sense atm and am struggling to see what we are waiting for.

Wwyd in my position? Please give me a harsh talking to!

OP posts:

Chipsahoy · 04/05/2021 07:49

Give it a try. I’ve done both. Currently a Sahm to my youngest but my older two turned out just fine and we are very close. I worked when they were both little, right up until a couple of years ago. One is a teen.

See how it goes. What you are feeling is normal. If it doesn’t improve then is the time to consider your options. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Part time is a consideration. Or home working perhaps half the time.

MrsWhites · 04/05/2021 07:50

This was exactly me when I was due to go back to work. I felt exactly the same way as you do - my work had covered my role with a reorganisation and I couldn’t think of anything worse than leaving my baby.

I chose to be a stay at home mum and haven’t regretted it at all!

But I agree with what others have said, don’t make a rash decision, I had decided against going back a few weeks before I was due to return. Maybe in your situation since you already have childcare arranged etc you should give it a go for a few weeks and see if you still feel the same?

Original poster

Redskyyy · 04/05/2021 08:07

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the responses.
In answer to a couple of qs...

Yes I have twins. Yes I am married. DH was happy for me to resign if I wanted to, I guess the only sensible reason I am going back (apart from everything that has been mentioned) is that if we ever had another baby I would get mat leave/ pay, and it will be much easier to move eventually/ get a mortgage on both salaries.

I think I will give it until xmas and see how I feel. Annoyingly my company don’t allow compressed hours (I asked) as they ‘expect everyone to work over and above contracted hours as per our contracts’. Going PT will mean doing my FT role in fewer days (I know because I’ve done it before for a few months).

Anyway, I’m rambling. Fingers crossed the first day isn’t too bad.

OP posts:

bunglebee · 04/05/2021 08:23

I'm with everyone else. Go back, take it one day at a time, and see how you feel in three months. Odds are you will be happily settled, enjoying time at work and time at home, and it'll be hard to remember why you were so keyed up. Or maybe not, in which case you can quit then, or ask for reduced hours, or kick your move up the agenda.

Quitting is easy. You can do it any time. It's a lot harder to take back though. Give things time to settle.

bunglebee · 04/05/2021 08:27

Also, it may well be that this specific employer/job is not the one for you as a mother to young DC. But there are a lot of employers out there, and it is way easier to get a good job from the position of already having one. Don't make it this job or SAHM in your head.

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/05/2021 08:57

Go back, keep earning because you never know what’s going to happen in the future. Two wages are better than one.

The most savvy woman I know is a family law barrister and she’s never given up work & she could have.

GameSetMatch · 04/05/2021 09:22

Both are great choices, have a see how you feel in a few days, if work doesn’t suit you anymore then that’s fine, there are plenty of SAHP.

Orangebug · 04/05/2021 10:04

@bunglebee

I agree with this.

Hope your first day back goes well OP!

Starface · 04/05/2021 10:13

Given your update, I would: carry on working whilst also a) looking at alternative roles to maintain some salary with a better work life balance for the mortgage and b) look at your moving goal sooner. Just keep those goals in mind. The early years are tough whilst you shift your family into the position that is right for your family. There are trade offs to be made, and no solution is perfect. You might have to move whilst still working part time and commute for a bit or whatever. It's a hard few years but hopefully you will pop out of it in a few years with a part time job, all the children you want and a lovely house in the right area. And along the way really make the most of the time you still have with your babies. You have lots of time to spend with them in the future, it will be worth a few years of trouble to get into the right place for the whole family. Stick with it.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 04/05/2021 21:27

@bunglebee

Was just coming on to say the same. You have more choices than just your current monster job vs SAHM. Give it 3 months back in this job then, if you haven't settled, look for something less intense.

Original poster

Redskyyy · 04/05/2021 21:45

So, the day was actually pretty dull. There’s a few urgent (and time consuming) things to do but I am going to spend a couple of days settling in first.

Thank you for the responses, I was a bit blinded by emotions. There is a back story to this and I don’t want to drip-feed, but to explain my rush of emotions further...I am very protective of these babies. Their older sister died a few years ago, 3 months after I went back to work.

Anyway, totally agree with the see how it goes/ consider looking for something else if this doesn’t work out.

OP posts:

tinytoucan · 04/05/2021 22:03

I’m sorry to hear about your daughter that will make it feel harder too.

I have just gone back to work and have mixed feelings. On the one hand I think it’s good to be focussed on something else outside of the kids and family, but on the other hand I do feel sad not to be home with my baby, she is going to be the last one. I think your plan of waiting until Christmas to make a decision is a good one. I’ve decided to do 2 years and then think about what I want to do. I do want to work in some capacity, but I think a career change might be on the cards.... although I don’t want to train again so not sure how that will work out!

I hope you’re feeling a bit better about being back now you’ve got day one out of the way.

Milkshake7489 · 05/05/2021 04:15

If you can afford not to work and want to stay home then stay at home with your baby.

Like you say, life's too short .

AntiHop · 05/05/2021 04:24

If you can afford not to work and you're in a happy and stable relationship, the stopping work whilst they are young to spend time with them is totally understandable. Or looking for a part time job.

So sorry for your loss.

ivfgottwins · 05/05/2021 04:45

I have much fought for twins - I have to go back to work when they are 20 weeks - I don't have a choice as I'm the main earner by 3x DH.
But one

ivfgottwins · 05/05/2021 04:48

Sorry typing whilst holding babies 🤣

Was going to say but I love my job - motherhood is amazing but my job is a also huge part of my life.

If you enjoy your job of course that makes it easier - can't you look for an alternative? What about working from home - my twins will be with a childminder but when I WFH I'll be picking them up early

CliffsofMohair · 05/05/2021 06:13

@Redskyyy 💐
I hope you have decent support right now.

RowanAlong · 05/05/2021 06:57

I think, trust your instincts. Could you manage on DP salary if you quit now and looked to move? If not, can you go back but start looking to move house now? In my experience baby aged 1 is when it just starts getting interesting! Good luck.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 05/05/2021 07:49

@RowanAlong

Thing is, though, if every woman 'trusted her instincts' the night before her return from mat leave, there wouldn't be a single mother in a job!

It's totally natural to feel wobbly at the start. For some women, that will translate into realising that they do want to be SAHMs. For others, it will be a temporary blip that settles after a few weeks.

bunglebee · 05/05/2021 09:56

I'm so sorry for the loss of your DD it's no wonder that you were feeling very emotional - I'm sure your lizard brain was freaking out and couldn't help making a correlation between the two events.

I'm glad your first day went OK and I really hope things work out for you and you find the right balance.

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