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Original poster

Curious to see how you would react...

36 replies

Couch2Potato · 03/05/2021 07:29

Nothing major but we have little petty arguments all the time, so curious to see how you would have responded.

06:45 OH is snoring v.loudly, and I'm laying listening so pick up my phone and start scrolling on instagram etc. After 15 minutes, I put my slippers and dressing down on to come downstairs and read my book/watch TV or whatever.

Obviously accidentally stir him..

OH: Where are you going? Sad

Me: Downstairs for a little bit Smile...
kisses him
OH: No cuddle?Envy
Me: No, you're asleep and I'm just listening to you sleep and snore. Smile, I'll see you in a bit.
OH: I'd do it for you...
Me: What's that supposed to mean?
OH: No hidden meaning, you know exactly what it means
Me: Okay... I'll get back in takes dressing gown off
OH: No, I don't want to be your after thought
Me: No, it's fine.
gets into bed and tries to cuddle
Me: Cuddle?
OH: No
I get up
OH: Why do you never listen?
Me: Why are you making me feel guilty? I wouldn't do that to you...
I leave in a huff...

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 03/05/2021 07:37

He sounds like hard work tbh

KinseyWinsey · 03/05/2021 07:37

Urgh. Exhausting. Boring. Hard work.

Is he always such a dick?

Youdontknowwhatyoureonabout · 03/05/2021 07:38

After the
Him “no cuddle”
I generally just say ‘you’re sleeping” or “ shhh go back to sleep”
then I hastily exit. I wouldn’t have a full on conversation and get back in bed. Once I’m up, I’m up.

TokyoSushi · 03/05/2021 07:39

I couldn't be bothered with that!!

Him: Where are you going?
Me: Downstairs for a little bit, kiss

That's the end, off I go, no further engagement!

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 03/05/2021 07:43

Well, he's made sure you can't win, and implied you're unreasonable for doing something normal (going downstairs while he's asleep).

Speaks for itself really.

It's obvs not LTB territory, but if this is regular, I'd want a proper conversation about it. No sulking allowed.

Original poster
Couch2Potato · 03/05/2021 07:49

@MilesJuppIsMyBitch

So, I deliberately left out all the below out to see if I was being unreasonable without the context..

We had a major dispute this weekend, and I went to stay at my parents. Yesterday we had a resolution chat and I basically said to him, one more major conflict and we need to have a serious chat about the future of this.

Over this weekend, I'm sure I have learnt (from googling so obviously not 100%) that he is a covert narcissist.

But when we were in a resolution chat yesterday, he said I was emotional abusing him in some form...

OP posts:
Original poster
Couch2Potato · 03/05/2021 07:50

In short @KinseyWinsey, but I always end up thinking it's my fault.

OP posts:
OrchidLass · 03/05/2021 07:55

Ok with your update (and actually without), have my first LTB on Mumsnet. He's going to be putting you through the ringer, picking silly little arguments for the rest of your life if you don't. Don't put yourself through it, it's exhausting.

Isadora2007 · 03/05/2021 07:56

Obviously there are bigger issues here but I’m not sure why you needed to go. If that was my husband, when he woke up and asked where I was going I’d have said “I was going downstairs as you were asleep- but if that’s you awake...” then I’d either offer to get breakfast together or we’d “cuddle” or watch a show or whatever. If he wasn’t snoring any more then I’m not sure why you still wanted to leave- unless actually you’ve not resolved anything despite your talk yesterday.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to end a relationship though and if it’s hard work or you’re googling whether he’s a narc then it’s probably over.

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 03/05/2021 07:56

Oh dear.

Well, having been in the same position myself, I can tell you what I did FWIW.

I took a massive, loin-girding breath, and decided to take the high road. I was polite, but distant. I didn't react to the sulking, needling or huffing. I took everything he said at face value. I was pleasant.

It was HARD.

The first time he thawed a bit and tried to talk to me, he immediately tried to tell me what I'd done to make him behave that way.

I stopped engaging.

More huffing from him.

He then got angry, and I politely told him I wouldn't engage until he started treating me at least as well as he treats his friends.

The next day, he listened. We booked marriage counselling and (luckily) we got through it.

We still have to work on things, but we're in a good place now.

I don't know if that's helpful, but the counsellor pointed out that both of you need to be willing to engage with the process, and - honestly - some people are so far up their own arseholes (my words Grin) that they never will.

Good luck!

Mumoblue · 03/05/2021 07:58

I’d have told him to sod off after “I’d do it for you” personally. But the whole “no cuddle?” bit would have set me off anyway. Might just be a pet peeve of mine but that phrase sets of my creep alert.

This dude sounds like a lot of effort.

OrchidLass · 03/05/2021 08:03

I’m not sure why you needed to go

She didn't 'need' to go @Isadora2007, she wanted to because her OH was asleep. Why did she have to get back into bed just because be was awake? If she wanted to, fine, but she doesn't need to do that or make breakfast either. She said she was going downstairs, it's not a 'change my mind' situation.

OrchidLass · 03/05/2021 08:03

I’m not sure why you needed to go

She didn't 'need' to go @Isadora2007, she wanted to because her OH was asleep. Why did she have to get back into bed just because be was awake? If she wanted to, fine, but she doesn't need to do that or make breakfast either. She said she was going downstairs, it's not a 'change my mind' situation.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/05/2021 08:03

He sounds like incredibly hard work. What do you get out of the relationship? Is it enough for you to be willing to put up with that?

OrchidLass · 03/05/2021 08:04

Might just be a pet peeve of mine but that phrase sets of my creep alert.

Mine too @Mumoblue

Original poster
Couch2Potato · 03/05/2021 08:07

I think I'm at the point that I know I need to leave to be happy.
And the conversation yesterday was effectively "one last chance" but is delaying a break up.

I just can't bring myself to do it... I don't want to cause heartbreak for him, (or me). I'm struggling with the short term pain for long-term happiness.. and at the end of the day, I do love him... though I dislike him at the same time (is that possible?!)

I know he'd have no where to go... his separated parents don't have the space for him, plus he has two kids from a previous relationship so would need to find somewhere for them every other weekend...

@Isadora2007 FWIW, I would offer to watch a bit of TV or breakfast but he's not a morning person, and I can actually hear him snoring again from downstairs! [grin}

@MilesJuppIsMyBitch Thank you - this does help Smile

OP posts:
MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 03/05/2021 08:09

I'm sorry to hear that Sad

I behaved as I did because we already had a baby together.

Honestly, if we hadn't, I think I'd have left 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Couch2Potato · 03/05/2021 08:10

@Mumoblue THIS!

Yes, totally agree but I hate conflict. Hate it!
And I'm trying to stay calm by not reacting and he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable, but I never see it, until after the conflict.

OP posts:
OrchidLass · 03/05/2021 08:11

OP I was in a relationship with someone I loved very much but we just didn't make each other happy. I had to end it and it was hard but I'm so glad that I did now and he probably is too, we made each other miserable.

Another thing that rings alarm bells for me is that you only had your 'one last chance' conversation yesterday yet he seems to be trying to pick another fight already. It's like he just can't even be bothered to put up the pretence that he's going to try and it's all down to you.

Original poster
Couch2Potato · 03/05/2021 08:11

@MilesJuppIsMyBitch

It's good to hear you made it work, I do want to make it work... but I also know it's time to leave but I just can't.

I've had opportunity, and I've backtracked and changed my phrase so he didn't know that's what I meant.

I find it scary, and would rather he did it. But that's me being selfish isn't it?

OP posts:
OrchidLass · 03/05/2021 08:13

He won't though OP, because you already said that he has nowhere to do. If you want out of this relationship you need to do it or you'll be in this exact situation, or worse, this time next month/year/decade.

whippitwoowoo · 03/05/2021 08:21

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/therapist-uncensored-podcast/id1146941306?i=1000497907646

This is a great podcast about covert narcissism.

KinseyWinsey · 03/05/2021 08:24

I really feel for you. It sounds like it's not even a case of you ever 'winning'.

It's like you'll never be able to be happy because he'll always find something to have a dig at you about.

Are you always on tenterhooks?

Can you leave?

sadpapercourtesan · 03/05/2021 08:30

He's a selfish, manipulative manchild.

If my DH wakes up and sees me up during the night, the first words out of his mouth are "Are you OK, darling?" not "Where are you going?"

And if it transpires I'm going downstairs because he's snoring, he'll immediately volunteer to go downstairs himself instead. Because he loves me, and isn't a selfish arse.

I wouldn't cuddle your OH, he sounds odious.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/05/2021 09:06

You don't need conflict to leave.

Who's house is it? Is it shared rented? Mortgage?

Do you have anywhere you could go? Just back your stuff quietly and leave.