Father of child is horrible to me

[MummaD161119]

Father of my child is so horrible to me, it's really wearing me down

I broke up with him back in November, 2 weeks before our daughter turned 1.

Our relationship has always been toxic, theres been physical abuse in the past until I was pregnant. Emotional abuse and manipulation has always been around.

I had the strength and power of being a mother to break up with him. I still tried to keep the family vibe, had him over for her birthday Christmas easter. And we got on for the most part.

Two weeks ago, (after asking him repeatedly not to for months) he dragged her up by her hands as she resisted. As many of you know this can result in dislocating her elbows/nurses elbow.
Hes done it in front of people where they've mentioned for him not to do that.

Because I was afraid to tell him in person I text him asking him to be careful how he ha dles our daughter. As if he hurt her he would feel awful.

He has always had problem with strong women, he is abit of a woman hater (dont ask why I was with him for aslong as I was)

He went very aggressive and abusive toward me. Making insults and creating an argument saying I was controlling...all because I asked him not to drag her up like that.

Since then he has created a war against me.
I still remained calm and didnt stoop to his level.

Our daughter lives with me always has (we never lived together since I was pregnant)

I still throughout his aggression sent him updates on our daughter through photos and videos.

He would make accusations that I was going to "take his daughter from him"
I said I want her to have a father as I never had one. Which he knows. And I'd never do this.
He carried on going 'mental' at me and Intimidating me.

I spoke to my HV who advised me I was in my rights to not give him access to our daughter if i thought he wasnt mentally sound.

I still dropped her off to his. But the aggression continued toward me, to a point I thought he lost the plot and wasn't mentally stable for her.

So I didnt give him access for a week. Hes due to see her tomorrow (at a public place,)
However shes been poorly and still poorly so may have to stay at home. And I no longer feel comfortable he being in my house.
So he may not be able to see her tomorrow.
And he works until Saturday. Making it two weeks since hes seen her.

So hes kicked off with me yet again, I explained I was doing my best to get her well for tomorrow.
He then would state that I withheld "his" daughter from him for two weeks. I reminded him it was down to his anger and I was in my rights. And I feel he really needs help with his temper. (Hes admitted In the past he has a problem)

Every text I get from him is hostile and sends my anxiety sky high. I'm on edge and really dont want our daughter to think it's ok to treat people like this.

He wouldnt hurt her, but I worry it could be damaging mentally for her.
I'm at my wits end and feel so scared and anxious all the time. And he just plays the victim card and wont ever change.

What am I to do, am I in the wrong?

Why wounds hw hurt her? He bully’s you and you admit he is a woman hater, and he’s already yanked her in order to get her to stand up.

I’ve never understood this attitude of ‘he abused me but he would never hurt my child/children’!

Quick tempered and volatile people can only hold off from their unpleasant behaviour for so long so why wait until he actually does harm her?

Get some legal advice and mediation if you think he would listen.

^^ why wouldn’t he hurt her

Of course he is going to hurt her - again. Wake up.

He will hurt her. Emotionally he will most definitely hurt her.

Stop access. Speak to your HV again. And speak to your local police Domestic Violence unit. Report him.

I really dont think he would ever hurt her physically. He has control of that, he would physically abuse me and say I pushed his buttons, but as soon as I was pregnant I said if he every touched me again I'd take it further, and he never did. I feel that that proves he has that control and was just nasty toward me because I fought back and confronted him alot. He thought and did get away with hurting me in the past. But now theres a child involved and I can take her away from him he never would. His excuse for hurting me was I pushed his buttons and his mother would say this to him too and big him up. I dont think our daughter is at risk there and nor does the HV.
The last time her physically hurt me was december/january 2019. Hes not done it since. I'm not defending him at all. But I'm confident he wouldnt hurt our daughter and wouldn't dare hurt me as we arent together and he knows I'd call the police and not put up with it.

It's the emotional side of things I'm worried about.
Since hes on the birth certificate and theres been no domestic abuse since shes been born I cant use that against him.
I have always been honest with my HV and even social services since I was pregnant and told them everything. Incase anything happened again.

The emotional manipulation still continues even after I finished him. He will get jealous of mine and our daughters relationship and make me feel guilty for it.

He plays the victim alot and I keep questioning myself.

I have spoke to my HV, she says in doing the right thing

As I stopped his contact and when he sees her next I will be there in a public place.
I couldnt do mediation and be in a room with him, it would get heated and he will no doubt twist the truth or lie.

He at not hurt her physically. I stayed with my abuser because I thought that. My dd (now in her twenties) last suicide attempt involved 40 10mg Valium. Each attempt has been due to the way her father as treated her and still treats her when he gets the opportunity.
Protect her emotionally as well as physically and don’t let her see him unless you have some sort of proof he’s getting help and learning how to be a responsible parent.

Two weeks ago, (after asking him repeatedly not to for months) he dragged her up by her hands as she resisted.

Read your own words.

You are living in cloud cuckoo land.

He hurt her in front of you.

She’s very young and he will be alone with her with no one to stop him and no witnesses.

Why subject your child to this?

I have asked him to get help with his anger, and he just says I'm telling him what to say and do and I'm controlling him.
He also says that he just wont pick her up or touch her since hes doing it all wrong, which makes me feel like I'm being harsh or naggy toward him.
But since I told him about not dragging her up by arms hes not had contact and I said it will be in a public place with me supervising. He said he rather see her than not. I asked HV about supervised contact but due to covid the supervising people arent available just yet.

He really gets me questioning myself, I dont wanna take her away from him as I just feel evil.

Things he says to me trigger such anxiety.
I also worry he will poison her against me when she gets older.

I dont want it to go through court or mediation and his word against mine, as I feel just so battered down by it all. I've saved all texts and messages he and I have sent as evidence.

Shes definitely happier with me, I do everything for her, we do arts and crafts messy play. Go out on adventures together. Even when I was pregnant I bought everything for her.

I have stopped his contact for now, but I cant do it forever, i feel cruel and also he will fight me against it.

My head is battered. I ahve nightmares he takes her from me. I couldnt ive without her.

I'm not in cloud cuckoo land believe me. Like I said I've stopped his contact. Theres no evidence jes hurt her, she is fine and healthy and hes on the birth certificate too.

Another reason I stopped his contact was because of his mental state I was scared he wouldnt give me her back, as apparently the police wouldnt do anything about it because he is on the birth certificate.

Please dont be harsh toward me, I'm fragile as it is.

How about the evidence of your own eyes that he hurt her? I’m bowing out now. You are blind to his abuse and therefore no one can help you. Good luck.

It's not enough evidence.
I've asked HV I've communicated it til I'm blue in face and no one has said I can stop his contact because of way he picks her up.

But I have anyway for now.
Yes evidence with my own eyes but jes very good at playing the victim.
Who would I even talk to about way he picks her up other than HV.

I've contacted WIN

Read your posts back carefully. He DRAGGED her up whilst she RESISTED. He has hurt her in front of your eyes, imagine what he might do in private, what if she continues to resist as she gets bigger? I know you've said you've stopped contact, but you need support against his aggression, contact the police DV team and speak to your HV urgently

Ok I do understand what your saying.
She didnt cry or seem in pain as I would of reacted.
He denied doing it and tried to say she didnt resist.
I have spoke to my HV who says I'm doing everything right, and his contact when it starts again will be supervised by me. When he asks for contact alone again. I will Express my concern how he handles her and say I'm not confident you wont do it again.

I have already said this to him in which he said 'I'd never hurt my daughter so dont go there'

Can i stop his contact til he gets help with his anger of it's just toward me, because I'm getting mixed opinions forms services.

Hv said she wasnt going to out a child safety order in because shes with me and safe, and that because hes only showing aggression toward me.

Some people say (which I dont agree with and often from the older generation) that picking her up by the arms does no harm and 'my kids were fine'.

I've blocked him for the time being and wont be meeting him tomorrow.
So be two weeks since hes seen her.

I agree with what you are all saying, I really do

You need to get a residency order (if that's the correct name) to say that your daughter lives with you full time. Since he's on the birth certificate he could just take her and not return her. The police couldn't do anything and you'd have to go to court to get her back which could take weeks.

It might be better to ask for your post to be moved to Relationships. There are lots of knowledgeable women over there who can advise you about dealing with him, contact centres etc.

Thank you how do I move it to relationships, I dont often use mumsnet.

My HV told me he could take her and I wouldn't be able to get her back unless through court. Hes not aware of this however but it just takes one person to tell him. And it's my biggest fear x

OP, call Women’s Aid.

The rest of you - DV isn’t taken seriously in family courts in the UK. There are countless threads on here to show that and I know a few women in my life who were devastated to realise that family court didn’t give a shiny shit about the abuse towards them/their DC.

You can click on the options of your own post and report it. Write in the report that you'd like the thread to be moved to relationships.

Your ex sounds really scary: violent, aggressive, angry. It's no wonder you're so upset.

Thank you for your help and support

He is quite intimidating and knows how to trigger me. I just want my daughter to me safe in all aspects of life and dont want her thinking it's ok to treat people like this.
Unfortunately hes a product of his own upbringing.

Thank you,
This is what my HV has said aswell, there are a few flaws in the system.

Hes on the birth certificate also so that can be used against me,
I had no choice but to put him on the birth certificate he is the father and I didnt want to be spiteful and not have him on it. As it's for her identity too x

@MyGorramShip

OP, call Women’s Aid.

The rest of you - DV isn’t taken seriously in family courts in the UK. There are countless threads on here to show that and I know a few women in my life who were devastated to realise that family court didn’t give a shiny shit about the abuse towards them/their DC.

This. My ex was abusive in every way, he was arrested when he smashed my windows and repeatedly threatened to kill me (recorded phone calls and texts were handed over to the police). The case against him was dropped, the police said there's nothing they could do and only get charged for criminal damages which he paid for the repairs. Twice he has taken DD and not returned her, I had to take matters into my own hands. We did mediation where he acted like an angel and the solicitor told me I wouldn't be able to get a court order as he seemed reasonable. He still has contact with DD, other than going on the run I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I feel for you OP, hopefully you have better luck with the process than me.

If he’s hurt you, he’s perfectly capable of hurting her.

OP he still has control of you but unfortunately you can't see it.

From what you said, I wouldn't trust him around your DD.

I have found that some people will say that the partner who was abusive to them will not be abusive to their child because they feel that by admitting that he could hurt the child he is a bad father which is different to being a bad partner/husband.

It’s part and parcel of being abused that the victim already feels guilty that they got with this horrible person in the first place and now to admit that he is a bad father as well makes them feel ashamed.

Any feelings of shame or guilt are misplaced as you fell for someone in good faith and they turned out to be a nasty bully.

You did the right thing by you and your child by ending the relationship between you and him and now you must use that strength again in making sure he is not alone with your daughter in order to protect her.

Thanks everyone

I've never called him a bad father, because I've never thought of him like that, but he doesn't put her first and is selfish. I do feel when he picks her up by the arms it's done out of spite because it bugs me. Where as it's not a question of it bugging me, it's that I dont want her to potentially get a damaged elbow

Regardless of this his mental state and hostility toward me, the anger and insults are concerning as I am intimated by it and worry he will try and poison her against me. However I am confident enough with my relationship with her.

It took having my daughter and another life to consider in order to end it with him, and although I wish I was stronger earlier back in the days of physical abuse, I dont regret having my daughter with him, because she is a beautiful bright affectionate 18 month old. Everything I do is for her and every wish I make is for her.

I do feel alot of guilt for being with him as poster stated and gullibale to think he would ever change.

I have grown in my mental health and proud of it. I am coming up to 30 and he is 42. But I am emotionally more mature than him I feel.

I feel bad that my little girl doesnt have the perfect family, there isnt much family around. She has my auntie and my uncle and my grandpa on my side. And his father (who I have always got along with, but he doesnt know anything that's gone on that I'm aware of)

I do agree that he has some control over me in some way, but I'm fighting it. And hes losing control which is causing more of his aggression maybe.

I do worry aswell that in mediation he would come across as 'reasonable' and calm. As we have had couples therapy before and he was on his best behaviour. Making me look and feel paranoid