Father of child is horrible to me

[MummaD161119]

Father of my child is so horrible to me, it's really wearing me down

I broke up with him back in November, 2 weeks before our daughter turned 1.

Our relationship has always been toxic, theres been physical abuse in the past until I was pregnant. Emotional abuse and manipulation has always been around.

I had the strength and power of being a mother to break up with him. I still tried to keep the family vibe, had him over for her birthday Christmas easter. And we got on for the most part.

Two weeks ago, (after asking him repeatedly not to for months) he dragged her up by her hands as she resisted. As many of you know this can result in dislocating her elbows/nurses elbow.
Hes done it in front of people where they've mentioned for him not to do that.

Because I was afraid to tell him in person I text him asking him to be careful how he ha dles our daughter. As if he hurt her he would feel awful.

He has always had problem with strong women, he is abit of a woman hater (dont ask why I was with him for aslong as I was)

He went very aggressive and abusive toward me. Making insults and creating an argument saying I was controlling...all because I asked him not to drag her up like that.

Since then he has created a war against me.
I still remained calm and didnt stoop to his level.

Our daughter lives with me always has (we never lived together since I was pregnant)

I still throughout his aggression sent him updates on our daughter through photos and videos.

He would make accusations that I was going to "take his daughter from him"
I said I want her to have a father as I never had one. Which he knows. And I'd never do this.
He carried on going 'mental' at me and Intimidating me.

I spoke to my HV who advised me I was in my rights to not give him access to our daughter if i thought he wasnt mentally sound.

I still dropped her off to his. But the aggression continued toward me, to a point I thought he lost the plot and wasn't mentally stable for her.

So I didnt give him access for a week. Hes due to see her tomorrow (at a public place,)
However shes been poorly and still poorly so may have to stay at home. And I no longer feel comfortable he being in my house.
So he may not be able to see her tomorrow.
And he works until Saturday. Making it two weeks since hes seen her.

So hes kicked off with me yet again, I explained I was doing my best to get her well for tomorrow.
He then would state that I withheld "his" daughter from him for two weeks. I reminded him it was down to his anger and I was in my rights. And I feel he really needs help with his temper. (Hes admitted In the past he has a problem)

Every text I get from him is hostile and sends my anxiety sky high. I'm on edge and really dont want our daughter to think it's ok to treat people like this.

He wouldnt hurt her, but I worry it could be damaging mentally for her.
I'm at my wits end and feel so scared and anxious all the time. And he just plays the victim card and wont ever change.

What am I to do, am I in the wrong?

You only need a small handful of special people in your life and they could be family or friends.

@MyGorramShip

OP, call Women’s Aid.

The rest of you - DV isn’t taken seriously in family courts in the UK. There are countless threads on here to show that and I know a few women in my life who were devastated to realise that family court didn’t give a shiny shit about the abuse towards them/their DC.

Very true, there is an idea on here of "the courts would never give unsupervised contact to an abuser." That said, I do think you need to change your mindset on how you interact with him. You had the strength to leave but you are still in trying to please/placate him mode. I completely understand why - and I also suspect you want to prove to yourself that you are a reasonable, nice person not the evil bitch he says you are. So he says "you are trying to take my child away from me" and you bend over backwards to prove otherwise. But the problem is, he will never suddenly stop and realise he was the problem all along. And it makes you very easy to manipulate/control still. For example, your child is poorly, you probably have a lot on your plate besides and you are worrying yourself sick about how upset he will be if he cant see her tomorrow and "trying to make her well." You sound like a nice person. You will still be a nice person if you create more boundaries for yourself and your daughter. You dont need to stoop to his level, but if someone is being abusive to you over the phone/sending abusive text messages you dont need to keep messaging them cheery/apologetic updates/going above and beyond to maintain communication. This is harder than it sounds so I would recommend the freedom programme. But I wouldn't give him more than icy politeness. And never apologise- take the words sorry out of emails before you send them. e.g. "unfortunatel x still has a fever so cant go visit as planned tomorrow" not "I am so so sorry. X is still really poorly, but I am trying to get her well for tomorrow. Maybe you could come to mine instead for an hour. blah blah blah.. "

I agree that women's aid could help you. Have you done the Freedom Programme? It's online at the moment and something that will really help solidify the great choices you've already made in getting away. It will help you apply that strength and clarity to what's happening now. Because he's not a good father love. A good father would never treat his child's mother the way he treats and treated you.

But I'm going to be straight up honest with you. I grew up without a father and that was better than growing up with an abuser. The very best thing you could do is throw your phone in the river, get your stuff together and get on the first train going somewhere else. Disappear. Start again. You and your daughter don't need this violent, abusive excuse for a human in your life. I've had enough of helping women on here work with and around abuse. Fuck him off. Start again. Be safe, happy and free. He doesn't deserve either of you.

I had an unstable ex. I always swore he wasn't violent until he went off on one because I was seeing a male doctor and actually ended up getting arrested for attacking said doctor.

I had a thread in AIBU at the time and the amount of times I said he wasn't violent, just a dickhead.